Saying Please

[Jacob'smomma]

Just wondering what your opinion is on getting your child to say please? My son is almost three and he doesn't say it. I have said to him "say please" but I am starting to think he doesn't understand? I do believe that modelling the behaviour is more effective but just wondered if there were other points of view on how to encourage it?
Thanks for your input!

[ShellyK]

This is something I've been working with my daughter on. She learned to say Thank You easily just by us modelling it, but Please was a little harder.

I started working on it with one or two things that I knew she really wanted, and now we're working on it with more things. When we get in the car, she almost always demands "Music! Music!" So I just started saying "You need to ask Mama nicely - say Music, please" and I would just repeat that until either she said "music, please" or until she really started to get frustrated, at which point I would say "Music, please, Mama" (kind of like I was saying it for her) and then push the tape in. It took several weeks before she started "getting" it and even now - a month or so later - I usually have to remind her to ask me nicely, but not always.

Once she started to get the hang of it with that, I started in on her vitamin in the morning. The kid wakes up asking for her vitamin she loves it so much - so I just started the same "ask Mama nicely - say please" routine. I don't let it get adversarial, and if she's having a hard time on a certain day, I just say it for her and move on.

We also talk about saying please to other people when we're asking for things, and I definitely think modelling polite behavior is the first and best way to teach kids these things. It's so cute - when we're out at a store or somewhere and she's in the way, she's taken to saying "excuse me" to strangers, just like I do - and that's something I haven't trained into her. She also says things like "Have a nice day" and other little pleasantries that I know she's picked up from me without me even thinking about it. But I'm also the kind of person that will thank a waiter for pouring me water, so she's had plenty of examples.

[PuppyFluffer]

My dh and I are polite to each other, saying "please" and "thank you". I believe that dd has picked up on it from us. There used to be plenty of times when she wouldn't say it as well. Here's what I would say:

Dd: "I want an apple."
Me: I would say: "It's nice to say please when you ask for something." as I handed it to her.

I use the phrase "It's nice to say please when you ask for something" or "It's nice to say thank you when someone gives you something."

I leave it at that. I give dd information rather than demanding that she do something. I don't make her fulfilling her request contingent on her saying please. I think to do so creates aggravation for kids. It also seems to teach them to say it just to get what they want. I want my dd to use manners because she sees that it is a pleasant way to interact, not because it gets her something.

I really really hate the question "What do you say????" ...usually said in a high pitched tone by some well meaning person who isn't consciously thinking about how manipulative they are sounding.

AT 3.5 years old, dd has this courtesy (sp?) pretty well mastered. The closest I will get to helping her say it to others is to ask her "Do you remember the nice thing to say when someone gives you something?" And she will smile and say "Thank You!" in a really happy exhuberant voice. She forgets to say it when she is excited. I think by asking her nicely if she can remember, I'm reminding her in a way that is polite to her. There is just something about "What do you say?" that sound so condescending to the child.

[IncaMama]

we do only modeling here. i've never told him to use any of those phrases, but he uses them all the time. i think most kids will eventually get it through modeling alone and when they do it will be more fully internalized than if it's been asked of them directly. imo.

[captain crunchy]

Woah boy...here we go again...

I don't believe in forcing children to say please and thank you. I don't believe in withholding objects of enjoyment until they get too frustrated or until they say the "magic" words. I don't make gifts, or fun things, or my acceptance of her contingent on whether or not she says please and thank you. I won't shame her, or embarrass her, or remind her, or nudge her, or give her "the look", or a lecture in front of other people if she doesn't say please or thank you... I will graciously and happily say it for her on behalf of her and nothing more -- if she requests further discussion or conversation or initiates the desire for reasons why I said thank you, I will act accordingly.

I will model genuine gratitude and genuine emotion, and model everyday social customs and provide my daughter information on all of the above through general everyday conversation or the questions she may ask about certain social customs or situations. I won't buy books that teach please, I won't watch videos where Mr.Bear or whoever loves to share and is accepted by all when he does, I won't sit and wait with a look on my face when she asks for something and withhold it until she says "the magic words".

I trust my daughter. She is bright, and social and capable. She will learn appropriate social customs and, I have no doubt, the meaning of gratitude and the relationship between feeling good inside and the good works we do in the world and how that is often intertwined -- I trust all that.

I will guide her towards respecting others by first respecting her. She has free will, she is free to use it.

[IncaMama]

yeah, what she said too. LOL

[ShellyK]

I'm glad modelling alone works so well for all of you! That's terriffic! I'm feeling a bit defensive here, so please forgive me, but I just want to clarify that I never shame my daughter, I don't make a practice of working on this stuff in front of other people. Like I said, I do it when it's the two of us in the car or in the kitchen. This has not been a huge part of our lives! I do respect my daughter. I agree with most of what all the other posters are saying.

One motivating factor for me was that I was tired of my daughter straight-out demanding certain things, and I want her to understand how important it is to ask me and other people for things nicely. My husband and I do not model that negative behavior - we are polite to each other and to other people, and always say please and thank you like I said in my other post. I am well aware that we're in the Gentle Discipline forum, and I feel that the ways I've talked to my daughter about this have been very gentle. No snotty, sneering, condescending, LOOKs, or otherwise obnoxious behaviour from me. Just calmly explaining that Mama likes to be asked nicely.

Edited to add that, as I mentioned in my first post, we do talk a little bit about saying please to other people as well...and to clarify that, It's usually me saying please for something at a store or restaurant or out in public wherever we are and saying something like "people really appreciate it when we ask nicely for something".

[ambdkf]

Originally Posted by ShellyK

One motivating factor for me was that I was tired of my daughter straight-out demanding certain things, and I want her to understand how important it is to ask me and other people for things nicely.

I've found it helpful to just share how I'm feeling. Not worry about how others might feel, one day but how I'm feeling right now. Share with her that you feel yelled at (or whatever you feel). I still wouldn't withhold but sharing your real feelings can really help them get a handle on navigating social situations.

Also (and you may be doing this) but really watch - are you saying "please" EVERY time you ask her for something or to do something. For us, that kind of constant modeling has worked. When I started to really watch I noticed that it was rare for others (out in the world) to say please to small children.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by ShellyK

I'm glad modelling alone works so well for all of you! That's terriffic! I'm feeling a bit defensive here, so please forgive me, but I just want to clarify that I never shame my daughter, I don't make a practice of working on this stuff in front of other people. Like I said, I do it when it's the two of us in the car or in the kitchen. This has not been a huge part of our lives! I do respect my daughter. I agree with most of what all the other posters are saying.

One motivating factor for me was that I was tired of my daughter straight-out demanding certain things, and I want her to understand how important it is to ask me and other people for things nicely. My husband and I do not model that negative behavior - we are polite to each other and to other people, and always say please and thank you like I said in my other post. I am well aware that we're in the Gentle Discipline forum, and I feel that the ways I've talked to my daughter about this have been very gentle. No snotty, sneering, condescending, LOOKs, or otherwise obnoxious behaviour from me. Just calmly explaining that Mama likes to be asked nicely.

Edited to add that, as I mentioned in my first post, we do talk a little bit about saying please to other people as well...and to clarify that, It's usually me saying please for something at a store or restaurant or out in public wherever we are and saying something like "people really appreciate it when we ask nicely for something".

Thank you for that. I believe that everything is not black or white. There is a lot of gray area in raising kids.

[ShellyK]

Thanks, Tinkerbelle.

Anna - thanks for trying to help. I'm really happy with the way our family has chosen to do things. I respect that *you* wouldn't withold. I've already explained to what extent I do withold things. As Tinkerbelle pointed out, there *are* gray areas in how we raise our kids. Even within the AP/Gentle Discipline spectrum.

[angela&avery]

I have never had to insist my kids say please. I always say please and thank you and they say it back. If I need to I will remind them, but usually by just repeating their phrase with the word please, and then if they forget I just say "hey, thanks mom for getting me a drink". No pressure, and my kids use their manners happily.

[Fuamami]

Since you asked, here's what we do:

If my dd asks politely for something, I give it to her immediately, as long as I can, or explain why I can't. If my dd demands something rudely, I give it to her immediately, as long as I can, or explain why I can't.

However, when she demands something, I either repeat back to her how I'd like to hear it as I get it, or I say something like, "I'd sure like it if you asked me a little more politely." or "Can you say that with a please?" or if I'm kind of grouchy, "I don't really like being bossed around like that." I usually try to keep it positive, though. And she almost always corrects herself. Or sometimes she shouts, "No!" when I ask her to ask politely, especially if she's in a bad mood. Which is no big deal to me, I just let it go. We never withold things while waiting for a please, but we don't rely solely on modeling either. I agree with angela&avery, we've never had to insist, and she almost always asks politely. In fact, I saw her manners in action over Christmas with her cousins, and I think she saw how well they worked for her and seemed very gratified. It was cool to see her negotiating and getting along so well with them (they're 4 and 6), and she was SOOO happy and having so much fun.

Another thing we do a lot is practice and role play with her dolls. She LOVES to play with them, and it's good practice for her to see how one of them can be rude. She says things to me like, "Okay, now your baby says, 'Give me that bottle right now!' and then my baby will cry." Then my baby apologizes and says it more politely, etc.

This might help your ds figure out when it's appropriate to say please, etc. We also checked out this book from the library called "The Goops" which is pretty outdated, but still gave us some ideas. Sometimes I ask her if she's being a goop when she's rude, and it makes a game out of it.

[IncaMama]

i think that when he's older, if rowan starts having issues with being nice/polite, etc i wouldn't have a problem talking to him privately (not immediately before or after an "encounter", but at some other random time) about how these things make others feel good, etc...and you're right that the world is all about gray areas...definitely. i should have been less generalizing in my post re: modeling, etc...it doesn't work for everybody.

[Annikate]

Sometimes I'll tell my very verbal dd that it's polite to say it & sometimes she'll say the words, sometimes she won't. She always uses the sign though & that's good enough for now.

[writermommy]

We model please and thank you and they use these words regularly. If they leave out the please, but still ask nicely, such as "Mommy can you get me some milk? or Can I have a snack" then no problem, I get it and don't worry about the please. (its a process) However, if they are rude, demand something or yell a command at me, they are reminded to ask nicely. I don't insist that they say please, but that they ask nicely and with respect. We speak nicely to them and expect the same in return.

[Kira's mom]

We always say please , thank you etc.It comes naturally and I don't even realize it. Dd seems to have picked it right up. However i'd prefer it be used genuinely or not at all.As long as she doesn't demand, or on the other end just say please to get what she wants it's all good. When she does demand I may make mention that it's nicer to ask nicely. in the end it will come...I love how honest children are and sometimes wonder if dd is modeling me!tee hee.