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Pulling my hair out! (AKA I need new friends!)

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
I've vented about her before -> http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=380097

Each time I talk to her, I realise more and more that I'm just NOT going to be able to have her as a 'mommy friend', she's just gonna have to stay a regular friend even though we both have kids.

She was complaining today that tomorrow is her DD's 1 year doctor appointment, and she's gotta pay out of pocket for it because she forgot to send in the renewal information for her DD's insurance. I suggested she just postpone the appointment. Her reply is "Well, I can't! The doctor is supposed to take her off of formula tomorrow!" I must have looked puzzled because she added "You know, she's a year old. She can have milk now." First off, when did her doctor become a nutritionist? Secondly, um, it's HER baby, she doesn't need her doctor's permission to give her anything. So I say "Well, he's probably going to tell you to slowly wean her from forumla to milk so it's not such a shock to her system. "Well I'm not paying for anymore forumla, so I'm not doing that." WTF?!

I just wanna scream, I can't take it anymore. She's making me lose my mind. We get along JUST fine until the parenting topic comes up, and then she spouts off a bunch of crap, and I end up venting to DH for the rest of the day because she doesn't exactally "hear" me when I talk to her.

Don't mind me I'm just DH is sick of hearing about it, and it's 3:30am, not like I can pick up the phone and vent to someone else
post #2 of 15
There is no spoon.
post #3 of 15
Have you read "The Hip Mama's Survival Guide" by Ariel Gore? It's an interesting read and I laughed a lot when I read it while pregnant with DS. The best piece of advice I got from that book was, "Stop hanging out with people who make you feel like sh*t." That really knocked some sense into me at the time and I took a hiatus from all my naysaying friends who were very disrespectful of my homebirthing and parenting decisions. Made a world of difference. Same situation, they're fun to be around and things are fine as long as we don't talk about parenting issues...so we just don't.
post #4 of 15
I have friends who don't even HAVE kids and they've already lectured me on circumcision, cloth diapers, co-sleeping, starting solids as soon as possible, homebirth, etc. Although from my new point of view, I had no clue either before this happened to me, so I can't blame them too much.
post #5 of 15
You know, I'm actually trying to teach my husband to keep his mouth shut in certain company. He's always been one to go with the crowd but has recently started looking at the world a little more skeptically. But, there are some things that are better left discussed with other people and not his deeply conservative Christian family. As an opinionated person, this rule of thumb is very difficult for me, but man, it helps to keep things smooth.

Good luck with your friend. It's hard to see relationships change, especially if she is a good friend. I do like the advice written above about not being friends with people who make you feel like s*#t. That's good stuff.
post #6 of 15
We've been really good around our non-crunchy granola friends who have kids. Tom is more likely to slip and start lecturing about the benefits of home birth than I am. (I've been at the Smile and Nod game longer than he has.) Mostly I've been incensed by the standard "My mom/sister/friend/I had a c-section and it was REALLY NECESSARY or else she/I would have died" story. I'm just not able to ignore that one.
post #7 of 15
I'm sorry I don't have a more positive spin on this, but in my own experience things only get worse once you have the baby....friends who can't keep their bizarro, judgemental opinions to themselves can be a real headache. Any chance you can cut back on how much you see her? If you start cutting back gradually, by the time the baby is born you could be in good shape to have MUCH less frequent contact with her.
post #8 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by nubianamy
Mostly I've been incensed by the standard "My mom/sister/friend/I had a c-section and it was REALLY NECESSARY or else she/I would have died" story. I'm just not able to ignore that one.
I just got that one for the first time recently! My SIL has a co-worker that just had a baby, and dhe's been telling me about her progress all this time. She called recently and said, "I'm not trying to scare you or anything, but..." (Don't you love that line? As if they're NOT trying to scare you!) "....my friend had to have an emergency c-section, and the cord was wrapped around her baby's neck. If they hadn't been at the hospital, he would've DIED!" I told her that that is more common than you think. My niece had her cord wrapped around her neck, and she was fine. (I know this is not always the case, though.) Anyway, I also explained to her that my midwives are certified in lifesaving techniques. Like they're just going to stand there with their thumbs in their asses while my baby strangles to death! :
post #9 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by nepenthesea
Like they're just going to stand there with their thumbs in their asses while my baby strangles to death! :
I'm sorry but the image of someone standing with their thumbs in their arses while you give birth is just too funny.
post #10 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by corhorvath
I'm sorry but the image of someone standing with their thumbs in their arses while you give birth is just too funny.
I have a friend whose dad is a pediatrician, so she "knows everything" - she argues with me incessantly that homebirth is dangerous and people just take it for granted that babies are born healthy (which sorry, I do, because most are) - but the point is that midwives are qualified to know who is an appropriate candidate for a homebirth, and to know when a homebirth should turn into a hospital birth.

Her dad, incidentally, is known about the area for being so great because he has a "feeding plan" whereby he introduces solids months earlier than most pediatricians, and this is supposed to be why he is sooooo good. I just stay away from the entire discussion!
post #11 of 15
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedOakMomma
Any chance you can cut back on how much you see her? If you start cutting back gradually, by the time the baby is born you could be in good shape to have MUCH less frequent contact with her.
Thankfully, that's gonna kind of work itself out. We only have one car, and with gas prices the way they are, I can't afford to be driving across three towns to go visit her all the time, expecially once the baby is here. I also refuse to leave the baby with anyone (which she has done since like day 2) unless it's a quick trip to the store. (Which of couse she thinks I'm nuts for, because if I would just be 'normal' and feed the baby formula.... ) And she works a full time job. As it is, I see her once a week, and that's late at night and I wouldn't be willing to take the baby with me anyway.

Thanks everyone. I'm just having a bit of a hard time knowing that one of the only two friends I have is making me want to pull my hair out. The other one isn't much better either. She agrees with 99% of my parenting choices, but she SCREAMS and spanks her kids nearly constantly. So.... she may be out of the picture soon too, if she cannot understand that I won't have her acting like that in front of my child.

Sheesh I really need to get out and find some new mommy friends.
post #12 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by ahwuko
I have a friend whose dad is a pediatrician, so she "knows everything" - she argues with me incessantly that homebirth is dangerous and people just take it for granted that babies are born healthy (which sorry, I do, because most are) - but the point is that midwives are qualified to know who is an appropriate candidate for a homebirth, and to know when a homebirth should turn into a hospital birth.
I got a mini-lecture recently from my OB/GYN because I want to deliver at a respected progressive hospital that has a low rate of medical intervention during births and employs midwives for most births. The OB told me, "That hospital doesn't have a full-time anesthesiologist on staff, and *I* just wouldn't be comfortable delivering babies there." I just smiled and said, "Yeah, I know. But I still want to deliver there!" (Later this month I'll be seeing a new OB or midwife that *is* comfortable with delivering babies there.) It about scared the pants off my husband though, but I reassured him that this hospital delivers over 1,000 babies a year and we only hear positive things about the facility. So it's not just home-birth that docs love to say terrifying things about!!!

Kristin
post #13 of 15

Just chiming in on the "Smile & Nod" game . . .

No nearby friends who are also parents, so I haven't had to deal with this issue with personal acquaintances. However, working as a massage therapist who specializes in pregnancy massage, I have heard my fair share of mind-blowing comments from my clients! The most recent one was from a woman who came in for a massage, due date just a week ahead of my own, and we had a lovely conversation for the first half of the massage. Then she offhandedly mentioned that they would be delivering at a different hospital this time than they had with their first two babies--and that she would love to go back to the original hospital, but "since it's a boy, and our insurance doesn't cover circumcision (at the other hospital) . . ." I really had to bite my tongue to avoid going off on the topic of circumcision. And then, right before the end of the massage, we were talking about the difficulties of the first month or two postpartum, and sleep deprivation and all that. And she mentioned how tough it had been for her when her babies were nursing round-the-clock . . . "until I learned this great trick--I forget how old they are supposed to be when you start, but you put some rice cereal into their formula and it helps them sleep longer at night". :Puke

It is really hard not to say anything when I hear those kinds of comments, especially since I have always been the type to try and educate on any topics that I feel passionately about (pregnancy & childbirth being at the TOP of the list!). So glad that I haven't gone through it yet with friends . . . but I'm sure there will be some "OMG" moments in the years to come, as our friends/family start reproducing.
post #14 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Birth Junky
And she mentioned how tough it had been for her when her babies were nursing round-the-clock . . . "until I learned this great trick--I forget how old they are supposed to be when you start, but you put some rice cereal into their formula and it helps them sleep longer at night". :Puke

Funny you should mention this but the nurses at work (not OB nurses) were just talking about this today! They asked me what kind of bottles I wanted for my shower, and I said I don't know, I don't plan on giving a bottle for a long time, and when I do, it will be breastmilk. They were all in a tizzy - saying that at three months you had to start supplementing formula with cereal to give your baby enough nutrition, and you had to have a special bottle that lets cereal through the nipple! Honestly, if people don't want to be inconvenienced by a baby and their whole idea of parenting is minimizing what they have to do, is that even parenting?!

At risk of ranting, and also highjacking this thread, but related topic, I'm tired of people taking advantage of my inexperience to tell me what I will do when I have kids - knowing I can't argue because I don't really know. My boss told me I'll hate my dog once the baby arrives and want to give it away.
post #15 of 15
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ahwuko
My boss told me I'll hate my dog once the baby arrives and want to give it away.
How mean! Granted, you most likely won't feel the same way about your dog, and let's just say you'll probably scare yourself when those mama-bear instincts kick in towards your dog.

When I was pregnant with DD I had the sweetest cat in the world. He was wonderful, I'd never had a better pet. I took him everywhere, he really was like a baby to me. Until DD was 2 weeks old and he tried to pee on her (missed by a few inches) he was at the humaine society first thing the next morning (and prior to that I was the type of person that would totally go off on someone for getting rid of a pet due to a new baby)

So chances are that you will feel different, but I highly doubt you will hate your dog!
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