I've been watching some discussions with interest. I haven't participated because I'm not familiar with all the ins and outs of each parenting style discussed, and I don't have a label for how I parent. I don't subscribe to a particular philosophy or style. My desire is only to be gentle with my kids in the best way I can, while guiding them in the best way I can.
I have noticed an interesting thing in watching some of the discussions here. There are some moms here who do not call themselves TCS moms or non-coercive moms. I am thinking of one in particular (for whom I have a great deal of respect and admiration) who considers herself more strict than many moms here. As I understand her parenting, she has clear and consistent expectations for her kids. Though she does discuss issues and feelings with her children, she may not do so in the moment of conflict and values kids learning to cope with their disappointments without interference from others. But this mom also trusts that her children will learn without punishments or threats (or imposed consequences or shaming). When her children do not meet her expectations, she doesn't impose consequences that she has chosen and deemed logical or natural, she simply responds to her children reminding them of the expectation and reminding them that next time she expects them to meet it. She does meet the needs of everyone in the family, and she is willing to fulfill wants as well provided that they don't conflict with the needs of another member of the family. Despite this mom's feeling that she is more strict than others here at MDC, she is very gentle with and respectful of her children. So far as I can tell, the only real difference between how this mom approaches parenting and how the non-coercive moms approach parenting is that the non-coercive/tcs/up moms are simply more often flexible and willing to negotiate with their children regarding more issues. The tcs/up/non-coercive moms are just more apt to question what's really important for their kids to do and learn in ways a lot of us don't for many reasons. But both this "strict" mom and the tcs/up/non-coercive moms avoid using artificially imposed consequnces, threats, or shame to "get" their children to behave a certain way-they trust that given time their children will learn from their (the parents') communication and role-modeling, and they don't need to try to control their children to ensure that they learn. (There may actually be more huge differences between these two styles of parenting, I'm just pointing out what jumps out at me and seems relevant to the discussions I've seen lately. And this is only my interpretation of things from my own perspective, and I realize that interpretation my be inaccurate.)
I think many people here labor, as I once did, under the assumption that without control and punishment (imposed consequences) and shame children will never learn to behave in desirable/socially acceptable ways. I want to share this story because it really changed how I looked at my children and parenting:
As some people here know, I have struggled with yelling as a parent. I struggled for a long time to stop myself from yelling, trying many different approaches both to managing myself and to managing my children's behavior. After quite some time, when I couldn't seem to change and was feeling awful and really wanted to stop yelling, I decided to try just not stopping myself from yelling to see what would happen (this is something I read about as a way to break a habit through getting to the root cause). I felt I was taking a huge, huge risk the day I decided I wasn't going to stop myself from yelling anymore. I thought I had tried everything else to stop yelling and it didn't work, so instead of trying to not yell I was just going to observe myself. I decided that instead of trying to stop myself from yelling, I would simply notice what I was thinking and feeling without judging whether it was good or bad and without trying to stop myself. I hoped that in doing so I would uncover some understanding or wisdom that would help me change. It felt like a huge risk because I was afraid that in not trying to stop myself I was giving myself permission to yell, and that in doing so I would become an even worse parent. I thought this because I, like so many people in American culture, have been conditioned to believe that people are essentially flawed and bad, that without control and shame and punishment people will act in evil and selfish ways. What happened, instead, was that when I decided to simply notice and to not try to stop or judge myself I immediately began to yell less. I felt relief, less pressure, and the urge to yell came less often and less quickly. As I began to notice my thoughts, feelings and needs without judging them I grew in understanding and patience and compassion. I learned I wasn't a bad person, I simply had feelings and needs that I ignored, I simply clung to beliefs, thoughts, assumptions, and perspectives that were inaccurate-and all this blocked awareness of what was really going on and prevented me from responding in a compassionate way. I learned that focusing on 'right' vs. 'wrong' or other such labels got me nowhere, but that my heart will show me the way if I only pause, let go, and listen (to myself and to others). My true nature is compassion. I was never flawed or bad, I was only told that I was and believed it. I also learned that I can trust my children to grow and learn what they need to know to make their way in the world, it just takes them time to do so. What freedom these realizations brought me! Yes, sometimes I do fall back into old patterns and yell, but it is now so much easier to see it and simply let it go. And we're all okay even still. No one has died, everyone here is growing in gentleness and compassion. And when we have our moments of not being compassionate and aware, it's okay. That's part of life. Life includes it all-pain, joy, suffering, contentment, happiness, sadness, ease, frustration. It's all part of it, and it's neither good nor bad. It is what it is. Each moment, each interaction, each behavior-it is what it is. When I can see that, I am free to respond gently and compassionately because I don't feel afraid or threatened.
My point is not that my way is the right way, but that people can be trusted to learn when they are nurtured with compassion just as I grew when I nurtured myself with compassion. That children can be trusted to learn and grow. They don't need to learn everything immediately, it does take time. Control doesn't always send the message we want to send. Recently we were at a relative's home and my daughter was kicking a softish ball they had in their playroom/tv room. Twice she kicked it toward the tv area, and both times I said "don't kick that in here, it could hit something and break it." I did not take the ball, because I thought taking the ball would focus her attention on the consequence of the ball being taken rather than on the possibility that something could break if she kicks the ball inside-I don't want her to learn that if she kicks the ball inside I'll take the ball, I want her to learn that kicking the ball inside can cause damage. Some time later, she was downstairs with the other kids while we adults were upstairs. She came to get me and said "Mommy, come see. I kicked the ball and something fell." She had kicked the ball and the ball had knocked over a decorative snowman on the owner's computer desk. It did not break. I said to my daughter "Well, it didn't break, which is lucky. Do you understand why I don't want you to kick the ball inside?" She said yes, I reminded her to not kick the ball inside anymore, and though she played with the ball more she did not kick it for the rest of the evening. My oldest child, who had a problem with hitting, only stopped hitting when I stopped imposing time outs and telling her in an angry tone "don't hit!" and instead gently responding by acknowleding her feelings and reminding her to touch gently and tell me with her words what she needs. (One day, when I was still doing time-outs, she hit her brother and I sent her to time-out and her response was "I'm sorry! I didn't know I would have to go to my room!"-she wasn't at all concerned about having hurt someone, she only focused on the consequence I had imposed.) A response is necessary in many cases, but consequences imposed by the parent are not necessary just as shaming is not necessary and threats are not necessary. It takes time and repetition for kids to learn.
We all have within us the seeds of compassion and cruelty, anger and joy, kindness and meanness, aggression and tenderness, selfishness and generosity, and so forth. It is the seeds which we water that will grow. I know that in my own experience that the seeds of compassion cannot be watered with anger or control or punishment. They can only be watered with compassion, though the ways in which I can water with compassion are varied. The seeds of gentleness cannot be watered with force, with anger, with coercion, they can only be watered with kindness and gentleness. I could forever attempt to pull the weeds of anger and aggression and whatnot, but until I water the seeds of compassion, gentleness, etc. they will not grow, and those weeds will just keep popping up. In watering the seeds of compassion, etc. I allow them to grow so that there just isn't as much room for the seeds of anger, etc. to take hold. This applies to watering the seeds within myself as well as to watering the seeds within my children. When I listen to my children I can respond in ways that both meet their needs and water those seeds of compassion, gentleness, respect, etc. that I would like to see grow in them. When I focus only on their behavior as being good or bad or needing to be stopped or changed, then I am not as aware of the causes that need to be addressed and am less likely to water the seeds I intend to water.
I just wanted to share my thoughts. I don't think of my thoughts as absolute truths of the universe, they are just thoughts and opinions. These are simply things that have helped me in my journey, and because they have helped me I want to share. And thanks to all you moms who share your thoughts. I truly value that sharing, because I think it helps us all grow.
I have noticed an interesting thing in watching some of the discussions here. There are some moms here who do not call themselves TCS moms or non-coercive moms. I am thinking of one in particular (for whom I have a great deal of respect and admiration) who considers herself more strict than many moms here. As I understand her parenting, she has clear and consistent expectations for her kids. Though she does discuss issues and feelings with her children, she may not do so in the moment of conflict and values kids learning to cope with their disappointments without interference from others. But this mom also trusts that her children will learn without punishments or threats (or imposed consequences or shaming). When her children do not meet her expectations, she doesn't impose consequences that she has chosen and deemed logical or natural, she simply responds to her children reminding them of the expectation and reminding them that next time she expects them to meet it. She does meet the needs of everyone in the family, and she is willing to fulfill wants as well provided that they don't conflict with the needs of another member of the family. Despite this mom's feeling that she is more strict than others here at MDC, she is very gentle with and respectful of her children. So far as I can tell, the only real difference between how this mom approaches parenting and how the non-coercive moms approach parenting is that the non-coercive/tcs/up moms are simply more often flexible and willing to negotiate with their children regarding more issues. The tcs/up/non-coercive moms are just more apt to question what's really important for their kids to do and learn in ways a lot of us don't for many reasons. But both this "strict" mom and the tcs/up/non-coercive moms avoid using artificially imposed consequnces, threats, or shame to "get" their children to behave a certain way-they trust that given time their children will learn from their (the parents') communication and role-modeling, and they don't need to try to control their children to ensure that they learn. (There may actually be more huge differences between these two styles of parenting, I'm just pointing out what jumps out at me and seems relevant to the discussions I've seen lately. And this is only my interpretation of things from my own perspective, and I realize that interpretation my be inaccurate.)
I think many people here labor, as I once did, under the assumption that without control and punishment (imposed consequences) and shame children will never learn to behave in desirable/socially acceptable ways. I want to share this story because it really changed how I looked at my children and parenting:
As some people here know, I have struggled with yelling as a parent. I struggled for a long time to stop myself from yelling, trying many different approaches both to managing myself and to managing my children's behavior. After quite some time, when I couldn't seem to change and was feeling awful and really wanted to stop yelling, I decided to try just not stopping myself from yelling to see what would happen (this is something I read about as a way to break a habit through getting to the root cause). I felt I was taking a huge, huge risk the day I decided I wasn't going to stop myself from yelling anymore. I thought I had tried everything else to stop yelling and it didn't work, so instead of trying to not yell I was just going to observe myself. I decided that instead of trying to stop myself from yelling, I would simply notice what I was thinking and feeling without judging whether it was good or bad and without trying to stop myself. I hoped that in doing so I would uncover some understanding or wisdom that would help me change. It felt like a huge risk because I was afraid that in not trying to stop myself I was giving myself permission to yell, and that in doing so I would become an even worse parent. I thought this because I, like so many people in American culture, have been conditioned to believe that people are essentially flawed and bad, that without control and shame and punishment people will act in evil and selfish ways. What happened, instead, was that when I decided to simply notice and to not try to stop or judge myself I immediately began to yell less. I felt relief, less pressure, and the urge to yell came less often and less quickly. As I began to notice my thoughts, feelings and needs without judging them I grew in understanding and patience and compassion. I learned I wasn't a bad person, I simply had feelings and needs that I ignored, I simply clung to beliefs, thoughts, assumptions, and perspectives that were inaccurate-and all this blocked awareness of what was really going on and prevented me from responding in a compassionate way. I learned that focusing on 'right' vs. 'wrong' or other such labels got me nowhere, but that my heart will show me the way if I only pause, let go, and listen (to myself and to others). My true nature is compassion. I was never flawed or bad, I was only told that I was and believed it. I also learned that I can trust my children to grow and learn what they need to know to make their way in the world, it just takes them time to do so. What freedom these realizations brought me! Yes, sometimes I do fall back into old patterns and yell, but it is now so much easier to see it and simply let it go. And we're all okay even still. No one has died, everyone here is growing in gentleness and compassion. And when we have our moments of not being compassionate and aware, it's okay. That's part of life. Life includes it all-pain, joy, suffering, contentment, happiness, sadness, ease, frustration. It's all part of it, and it's neither good nor bad. It is what it is. Each moment, each interaction, each behavior-it is what it is. When I can see that, I am free to respond gently and compassionately because I don't feel afraid or threatened.
My point is not that my way is the right way, but that people can be trusted to learn when they are nurtured with compassion just as I grew when I nurtured myself with compassion. That children can be trusted to learn and grow. They don't need to learn everything immediately, it does take time. Control doesn't always send the message we want to send. Recently we were at a relative's home and my daughter was kicking a softish ball they had in their playroom/tv room. Twice she kicked it toward the tv area, and both times I said "don't kick that in here, it could hit something and break it." I did not take the ball, because I thought taking the ball would focus her attention on the consequence of the ball being taken rather than on the possibility that something could break if she kicks the ball inside-I don't want her to learn that if she kicks the ball inside I'll take the ball, I want her to learn that kicking the ball inside can cause damage. Some time later, she was downstairs with the other kids while we adults were upstairs. She came to get me and said "Mommy, come see. I kicked the ball and something fell." She had kicked the ball and the ball had knocked over a decorative snowman on the owner's computer desk. It did not break. I said to my daughter "Well, it didn't break, which is lucky. Do you understand why I don't want you to kick the ball inside?" She said yes, I reminded her to not kick the ball inside anymore, and though she played with the ball more she did not kick it for the rest of the evening. My oldest child, who had a problem with hitting, only stopped hitting when I stopped imposing time outs and telling her in an angry tone "don't hit!" and instead gently responding by acknowleding her feelings and reminding her to touch gently and tell me with her words what she needs. (One day, when I was still doing time-outs, she hit her brother and I sent her to time-out and her response was "I'm sorry! I didn't know I would have to go to my room!"-she wasn't at all concerned about having hurt someone, she only focused on the consequence I had imposed.) A response is necessary in many cases, but consequences imposed by the parent are not necessary just as shaming is not necessary and threats are not necessary. It takes time and repetition for kids to learn.
We all have within us the seeds of compassion and cruelty, anger and joy, kindness and meanness, aggression and tenderness, selfishness and generosity, and so forth. It is the seeds which we water that will grow. I know that in my own experience that the seeds of compassion cannot be watered with anger or control or punishment. They can only be watered with compassion, though the ways in which I can water with compassion are varied. The seeds of gentleness cannot be watered with force, with anger, with coercion, they can only be watered with kindness and gentleness. I could forever attempt to pull the weeds of anger and aggression and whatnot, but until I water the seeds of compassion, gentleness, etc. they will not grow, and those weeds will just keep popping up. In watering the seeds of compassion, etc. I allow them to grow so that there just isn't as much room for the seeds of anger, etc. to take hold. This applies to watering the seeds within myself as well as to watering the seeds within my children. When I listen to my children I can respond in ways that both meet their needs and water those seeds of compassion, gentleness, respect, etc. that I would like to see grow in them. When I focus only on their behavior as being good or bad or needing to be stopped or changed, then I am not as aware of the causes that need to be addressed and am less likely to water the seeds I intend to water.
I just wanted to share my thoughts. I don't think of my thoughts as absolute truths of the universe, they are just thoughts and opinions. These are simply things that have helped me in my journey, and because they have helped me I want to share. And thanks to all you moms who share your thoughts. I truly value that sharing, because I think it helps us all grow.
Discussion helps me learn, and sometimes it's the discussion (or listening to the discussion) of things I don't agree with that helps me learn and grow the most- sometimes through changing my perspective and opening me to new ideas, sometimes in reinforcing or clarifying my perspective. And sometimes in opening up and listening, I find that people I thought were very different from myself or ideas I thought were so very different from my own-or other people that I thought were very different from each other-are really not all that dramatically different after all.
