"I'm a bad girl."

[PennyRoo]

DD (3.5) has taken to making disparaging remarks about herself along the lines of "I'm a bad girl." Last night she said, "I'm a bad girl and I'm mean and ugly and stupid." She is pretty dramatic and imaginative, and I suspect she is sort of testing these phrases out for my reaction. Still, it's hard to hear her talk that way! We try to avoid labels and will talk about someone making bad choices rather than being BAD him/herself. A few weeks ago she asked me what ugly and stupid meant - - evidence that these are not words we use in our house. She does go to day care three days a week, and often picks stuff up there (for example, she has never seen a Disney movie or been read any sort of Disney princess/snow white-esque story, yet I hear her playing and talking to herself about "wicked stepmothers" - - I know this comes from some of the kids in her day care who are very princessy and Disney-focused). I asked her matter-of-factly where she heard those words, or if anyone talked to her that way. She denied having heard anyone speak to her, or to anyone else, using those terms.

Thoughts on how to handle? Has anyone else experienced this type of thing? Many thanks in advance for any advice you can offer. Peace, mamas.

[PennyRoo]

Hmmmmm. . . . a bunch of views, but no responses. [Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?] Should I have posted this elsewhere (childhood years?)? I will not have access to a computer after this afternoon until Tuesday, so I'll check again in a few days. I'd love any thoughts any of you have on how to handle this in a positive, gentle way, but if not . . . well, I'm sure I'll muddle through somehow. Happy New Year, all!

[Katwoman]

Perhaps she's just looking for a reaction and she found the words that make you zero in on her at the moment she's looking for extra attention. Have you tried asking her what her good qualities are? I'm thinking along the lines of turning the conversation around, saying I'm sorry you feel that way, now lets list all the good things about you. (Make the list really looong.) Then at other times when you guys are having fun and interacting, use the examples from the list she named while you guys are playing. Like, see! You're a great sharer. Or I love that you're so affectionate when the cat. Things like that. I'm thinking that way she'll get the attention she's looking for from you at that moment, but the two of you can turn it into a positive experience.

Or you can make a rule that says you're only allowed to think your bad if you can come up with examples of being bad. Then you guys could talk about how those examples are examples of making bad choices, not being a bad person. Also, she might be confused and think some things are bad and they're not really "bad" they're just new and confusing. I'm thinking if she doesn't like the neighbor child because the neighbor child takes her toys. She might feel like she's a bad person for not liking that child, but really, not liking some people is part of life. This would be a good time for her to learn that just because a person is different from us doesn't mean we have to like them or get along with them. And if we don't, it's okay, doesn't make us bad.

Just some thoughts. It's so hard when they get outside influences that we don't agree with.

[WuWei]

I am of the philosophy of "if you make it an issue, it becomes an issue". So, I would non-chalantly say 'tell me about that?', or 'oh, I didn't know that?' or some equally benign and calm open-ended response (with the light inflection of inquiry) that allows your daughter to express whatever (or nothing) that it *means* to her. Since she has indicated that these phrases are not being directed at her and she isn't upset, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. And it sounds like you aren't.

Our son says things like "I want a saber torch. What is a saber torch?" or equally ambiguous (to him) queries for information. I may feel surprised and angst at the request, but it is just a fleeting desire, usually. If I were to deny his casual interest, I would be making it *significant*. Whatever "it" is. So, I just reflect back 'oh, you want a saber torch? Tell me about that.' And he processes his desire to try on the idea and see if it is something important (ie. causes a reaction). I try not to imbue random issues with significance, unless they are impacting him or others in relation to his interest.

So, I would just say something playful like 'I think you are a ticklish girl' and tickle her. Or, 'I think you are a fast, silly girl and I am going to get you.' and laugh and chase her to defuse the meaning of the words so that they do not have painful impact or relevance in her life. If she were upset or something then I would gently investigate as you already did regarding the other phrases.

What I have seen is our son is just as likely to say 'the cat is a wicked grandmother' because he inferred that it means *something*. And he will try the phrase out in many sentence contexts to see how it seems to fit like he heard it. Just a trial and error exploration. But then, we don't have any preschool social dynamics in our lives, so I understand that your concern is how these hurtful words may be affecting her. But, they may not mean anything either.

HTH, Pat

[Fuamami]

Great ideas, Pat! My dd was calling herself stupid for awhile after she heard me say that exact phrase when I forgot something. D'oh! Anyway, I just ignored it completely and was more careful about what I said, and she stopped. I'm pretty sure she doesn't even know what it means, but she's such a parrot. But she is younger, too.

[Crunchier]

Ben said something like this once or twice. It did creep me out a little because I try to NEVER say anything like that. (I think he said he was a bad boy). I asked him what he meant. One time he told me that he wasn't a big boy, so he was bad. I'm not sure where he got that, maybe daycare? We had a brief talk about the definitions of those words. The second time, he was pretending to be a video game villain, so my alarm was unwarranted, IMO.

Perhaps she's just playing out a role? Or maybe she doesn;t grasp the full meaning of those words.

[PennyRoo]

Thanks for your input, mamas. I love scubamama's ideas about deflecting with the fast, ticklish girl comments.

These strange remarks continue . . . along the lines of, "Nobody loves me, I feel very lonely and sad right now." I really do think she's testing for a reaction - I just want to make sure I get it *right*, y'know? I am definitely trying not to make a big deal of it but privately it both creeps me out and worries me. I'm trying for casual, playful responses along the lines of, "somebody definitely loves you, and she's right in this room, and she's gonna SQUEEZE YOUR TOE!" DD is very playful and silly and this has the desired effect of turning the odd comments into a giggle session.

I think in retrospect she says many of these things when I am occupied doing household tasks and she's looking for some attention. Anyhow, I'm hoping this is just another stage and that this, too, shall pass. Thanks to those who responded. Peace, mamas.