I'm doing a lot of blaming, guilting and "I told you so-ing".

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Hi,

Our family has been under some stress lately from a big move (among other things) and I've noticed that I'm getting into a bad habit of frequently blaming, guilting and, essentially, saying "I told you so" to DC.

An example was today when we were at the bank. I was loaded down with stuff, one of which was DC's sweater, which I wanted her to keep on so I didn't have to carry it ~ a pattern. Well, was trying to tear off a check and it ripped. I got irritated (mildly) and told DC that I just ripped the check because I didn't have any space to work in...because of her sweater...bla, bla, bla.

Another example was yesterday. DC was playing in a friend's car, which she enjoys as a rare treat. Instead of just enjoying something that she doesn't often get to do, she was "whining" for more "stuff" (I forget what else she wanted). Another pattern and major cause of irritation for me. Anyway, she got hurt, didn't even get to play and I focused on how she got hurt because she was whining and not being happy for what she had...all instead of focusing on the fact that she was hurt.

Little things like this happen way too frequently.

So, what I'd like to know is if you have any tips on keeping my mouth shut! And, some words to help motivate me in terms of what this kind of behavior (on my part) does to my child and our relationship.

[amydidit]

No advice, just {hugs}... I have this problem too... I hope some help comes along!

[Devaskyla]

:

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

Hi,

Our family has been under some stress lately from a big move (among other things) and I've noticed that I'm getting into a bad habit of frequently blaming, guilting and, essentially, saying "I told you so" to DC.

An example was today when we were at the bank. I was loaded down with stuff, one of which was DC's sweater, which I wanted her to keep on so I didn't have to carry it ~ a pattern. Well, was trying to tear off a check and it ripped. I got irritated (mildly) and told DC that I just ripped the check because I didn't have any space to work in...because of her sweater...bla, bla, bla.

Another example was yesterday. DC was playing in a friend's car, which she enjoys as a rare treat. Instead of just enjoying something that she doesn't often get to do, she was "whining" for more "stuff" (I forget what else she wanted). Another pattern and major cause of irritation for me. Anyway, she got hurt, didn't even get to play and I focused on how she got hurt because she was whining and not being happy for what she had...all instead of focusing on the fact that she was hurt.

Little things like this happen way too frequently.

So, what I'd like to know is if you have any tips on keeping my mouth shut! And, some words to help motivate me in terms of what this kind of behavior (on my part) does to my child and our relationship.

I say you are human. Everyone has a bad day and stress of moving will make the nicest person into a bear sometimes. Whining is something that I cannot stand either. Maybe your child learned a couple of lessons here, about whining and not being happy for what you have.

Just start over.

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

Our family has been under some stress lately from a big move (among other things) and I've noticed that I'm getting into a bad habit of frequently blaming, guilting and, essentially, saying "I told you so" to DC.

I've done this, yoo (we just moved, too). The trigger of "I gave you ___, why are you complaining?" is big for me, also!

Anyway, what helped me is to literally LOOK at DD and "see" her-- that she is just such a tiny person. I'm guessing your DD is very verbal, and it's so easy to forget how little they really are when they express themselves well.

In order to help you "see" her, get down to her eye level when you talk to her. That helps me.

I posted recently asking for 1 minute wisdom. I printed it out and have the little reminders on my'fridge. My favorite is the "love is patient, love is kind." Sometimes I do a little check (even with DH) and ask myself . . ."Am I acting/speaking out of love? Am I bein patient? Kind?"

Is your DD 3.5 years? I've heard that's when the whining gets bad. It did here, and it really is going away. (I also notice she whines more when I whine/complain more, of course!)

And finally, when you are stressed, GD is just so much harder. Find little ways to de-stress. Someone here mentioned mini-meditations throughout the day (since you probably don't have extra time). If at all possible, sometimes a little extra sleep helps, too.

mama! I have been there!!!!

[annab]

If you try to attribute positive intent to the situation, it helps. If you try to see the good in what they were doing, you can work from there. "You really must have big plans for your arms today. Is that why you cannot carry your sweater?"

I work on this everyday. I sometimes find myself saying, "Oh, you, you, you, you really (long silence)" while I search for something positive.

Another thing I do if that fails is think about what I am getting ready to say and how I would feel if I heard it said to me.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Thanks mamas. I do think a more positive attitude as a base would be helpful. I'll try to do that. I've also tried to focus on more child centered things and we got a membership to a children's museum yesterday!

Something I've realized after writing the post is that part of what's going on here is that I'm focusing and reacting to the effect of an action rather than the action itself. I really try to avoid this (it's actually one of my life peeves) and I'm going to have to so some work at being more aware and proactive about the behavior or action...rather than being reactive live I have been lately. I suspect this is a side effect of being stressed and low energy for guidance.

Another complication is that I really can't do a lot premeditated communication with DC. After toddlerhood, focusing on how I talked to her just seemed to get in the way of our relationship...I felt manipulative and fake. But, this has probably contributed to the problem because, yes, I forget how young she is and I forget how unique our relationship is.

It's a weird thing. One minute we can be talking normally ~ real like and it feels so right to me. But the next minute, I'm lecturing and laying on all this guilt trip stuff. Maybe I have to find a way to reintroduce some communication "strategies"?

[MsMoMpls]

Sounds like you are on the right track. I wouldn't want you to use manipulative, non-spontanious language. I just don't think it works. You have to communicate from your heart, not your head.

I suggest focusing on this as your behavior problem and getting her to help you work on it. Use your best GD stuff on you. Catch yourself lecturing or blaming and say "Wow, that wasn't very nice of me... what a grump I am being." Just make it right as quickly as possible and let go of it.

You will make mistakes, you will lose it, you can use that as a teaching opportunity. People make mistakes, people work on doing a better job. If you can be gentle with yourself, you will teach her so much more about the art of being human.

Good luck.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by MsMoMpls

People make mistakes, people work on doing a better job. If you can be gentle with yourself, you will teach her so much more about the art of being human.

Good luck.

Thanks. That felt like one big cybe hug.