Crazymaking Mother (long)

[Qalliope]

Ok, a bit of background. First, I don't think I've ever posted in this section, though I've read, and learned, quite a lot. I started out as just GD, but have gradually moved into a TCS approach with my son as he has grown because this is the only approach that works for us. He is very high needs, extremely empathetic, and has a very strong personality and will, all of which I admire him for.

My mom came into town for Christmas from Colorado, and we went to visit her at the hotel. My ds (30 months) had spent the last 48 hours being shuttled from place to place, bombarded by tons of people he scarcely knew, and handled it remarkably well, I might add. So when we get there, he is already overwhelmed, influenced by odd eating and sleeping patterns which accompany the holidays, and doesn't want to go in. It was all people he knew, but instead of his usual outgoing self, he was withdrawn and cranky. I was equally exhausted, withdrawn, and cranky. My mother draws him in with candy, which I hate, and he sees that she left a bowl on the table. I remove it from temptation, and tell him, one piece only. He's fine with that and sets about exploring the room. He finds brightly colored objects to sort and stack for a while. Then he gets into pushing buttons on the tv and dvd player, which happen to be right at his height. I stop him from touching the dvd, explaining that it's very delicate, but allow him to change the channels on the tv, as I am very weary, cannot remove the issue, or really redirect as the space is so small, and he is honestly not hurting anything. When we get ready to leave, my mom leaves the door hanging wide open while I am across the room, gathering up packages. I tell her to watch him as he is inclined to bolt. She basically ignores me and then gets surprised when he runs down the hall.

Two days later, she wants a visit with just me. Apparently, she wants to corner me and tell me how "worrisome" Robbie's behavior is. She says that he is not "engaging" with people, but then turns around and rants about him touching the tv or running out of the room and how I did not reprimand him. She seems to think he is being antisocial because I am not setting strong enough limits, or making him talk to or look at people. I ask her if she's saying that I don't discipline my child enough, and she says that she's not talking about discipline at all. She's talking about setting and enforcing limits. Umm, sounds like discipline to me. So I tell her, ok, he was a little difficult the other night, but you are not seeing the whole picture by one short interaction. I give her ten recent examples of ways in which I have effectively gotten my child's cooperation without strong-arming or coercion.
I explain that under normal circumstances, he almost never has meltdowns, unless I'm trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do. She says that I am taking his emotions and desires too seriously. And she doesn't believe that small children are capable of making choices, only reacting.
I tell her that he has shown me repeatedly that he does deserve and need to be taken seriously, and nothing will change my position on that. So she decides to play upon my fears and intimidate me at the same time. She cites his not talking. He has a rather large vocabulary, but doesn't use it for anyone but me and sometimes dh. It has been a stress point for me and she knows it. However he is on target or advanced in every other way and even knows how to count and all his colors. Not talking seems to be an emotional issue for him, not a learning issue. Anyway, she brings up that he was arranging things and implies that he has some sort of disorder. She says he needs to see "someone." It goes on from there.

I did get very upset at one point and felt the need to separate myself for a minute to get recentered, so I turn away from her. She has just been chastising me, claiming that she knows and practiced gentle discipline with me and took me seriously, too, but I apparently take it too far. Then when I turn away, she walks over, and forcibly turns me to look at her and gets right in my face while making her point. Oh yes, I think, you know exactly how to take your children's needs seriously. :

Eventually, I decided to not fight her, and see what exactly she was recommending other than yelling at him more. So I recruited her help in brainstorming ways to encourage Robbie to talk and be more outgoing without being manipulative because I am concerned that he seems so far behind in expressive langauage. We came up with some things and then went to eat dinner. I feel I handled it well, without resorting to screaming, and even turning the argument into something productive.

The problem is that I feel still so defeated and violated by this emotionally manipulative woman who does not respect me or my son, and makes blanket judgements based on short visits, months apart. Nothing I say is ever taken into consideration unless she can twist it to support the point she is trying to make. And she loves to cause trouble and provoke me to a meltdown, just so that she can comfort and rescue me. I don't know what I'm asking for really, I just needed to vent to some mamas who I know are very supportive.
However, if you have advice on some aspect of this, I welcome it.


Peace,
Rachele

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Yea, this is definitely not a discipline issue with you and your son. It's a problem with your mother and perhaps your relationship with her (it's not necessarily anyone's fault...but a problem nonetheless).

Maybe I don't have to tell you this but I thought that maybe posting this in GD that this interaction with your mom was making you feel less confident about your parenting. I just want to remind you that this isn't what's going on at all.

I don't have much advice with difficult mothers but something that has helped me with my long-distance relatives is reminding them that because of the living situation they will *never* know our home life and will never get a good idea of "normal" in my child's behavior. This is a simple thing for a person to understand...if they want to. Your mother may not, for whatever reason.

Maybe she's struggling with not being in your child's daily life and can't acknowledge that she just "isn't". Or, maybe she's just incapable of evaluating your parenting and giving helpful advice. That would suck but you can make changes in how you deal with her that might help.

One thing that I've noticed is that any complaining or admission of struggle on my part does not work with people who are less then confident in my parenting. So they miss out on the real closeness of honesty in parenting. That's sad to not have with your own mother though. Is that something difficult for you to accept or did you see this coming?

I'm getting the feeling that your relationship has it's hardships. If I were you, I think I would start today with working with what's there in the relationship and by setting major limits.

[WuWei]

I was nodding a lot while reading your post. My conclusion is that your son is "developmentally normal" and so is your mother "developmentally normal". Seriously, a parent who has an expectation of being the more experienced resource for their (adult) child, isn't inclined to change that expectation. The dynamic of respectful collaboration is one that you are modelling for your son, and your mother. Neither learns overnight. It sounds like you addressed your concerns respectfully. I don't know that it is likely that you could benefit from expecting your mother to be different than she is. Your tact and self-control are awe-inspiring. I don't have that much patience with my mother.

Your mother's *underlying needs* are to be a valued and considered an "experienced resource", by my guess. Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? Perhaps, your mother's love language is affirmation. If you can give that to her in authentic ways, just like you did when you *asked* for her input, she may be less imposing of her unsolicted "knowledgable experiece". It seems counter-intuitve, that if you give her an inch, she will take a mile. But, she really isn't in your daily life, it sounds like, so that she will just *feel* important, because you solicited her experience. Nothing says that you are implying that you will obey. And it really isn't likely that she believes that you will obey, unless she turns your body and makes you. So, I would suggest not living physically close. Seriously, I don't see (from her actions) that she could respect your autonomy within the parent: (adult) child dynamic.

I would not worry about the speech. I have many friends whose attached only children were delayed verbally. There is limited need to use words when someone is attuned and facilitating consistently. Not that using words implies that the parents aren't attuned and facilitating. It just isn't as *necessary*. And their children all burst forth with more and more vocabulary when their needs became more complex around 30-36 months. He is already articulating and I am a huge believer that unless *he* is communicating frustration at his own perceived inabilitiy to have his needs met due to articulation, I wait for the *need* to be evidenced. Don't "fix" what isn't broken.

She says that I am taking his emotions and desires too seriously. And she doesn't believe that small children are capable of making choices, only reacting.

Succinctly, I believe this is ummm....not my experience. Passionately, I believe this is B.S.

Hope that helps,

Pat

Btw, I loved Idenity's response too.

[Qalliope]

I knew I came to the right place. I really appreciate your answers and guidance. I agree that it probably is more an issue between my mother and myself, but I needed to check my own perceptions against those of people I trust. This is where the crazymaking comes in. when she gets into a mode of making accusations, I worry that she is right, or that I am not seeing things clearly simply because she is so persistent. I am glad I have folks to tell me that I'm not a bad mama, and I'm doing okay.

One thing that I've noticed is that any complaining or admission of struggle on my part does not work with people who are less then confident in my parenting. So they miss out on the real closeness of honesty in parenting. That's sad to not have with your own mother though. Is that something difficult for you to accept or did you see this coming?

Well, I can't say I didn't see it coming, but I try so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt. It troubles me that I couldn't share the bad and the good both. I think that's so important to have a balanced perspective of life. You also mentioned limits, and I'll definitely start with some rules regarding physical contact, but I have trouble knowing where else to set the boundaries - she's good at sneaking past them without my realizing anyway.

Like you said, Pat, I also want to make her feel appreciated and important because that's how she perceives love. I'm going to have to pick up that book you suggested. It sounds right up my alley.

Thanks again,
Rachele

[WuWei]

Two other books that I found useful in setting bottom line boundaries, without expressing ultimatums, were 'The Dance of Intimacy' and 'The Dance of Anger'. Both helped me to recognize my needs, express them and delineate what I could control and what wasn't within my sphere of influence. (Basically, I could only control myself, and *ask* others for what I needed, without expectations.) Both books were very empowering without disempowering others.

Also, you might check the Center for Non-violent Communications at www.CNVC.org. They have a fabulous little booklet about consensual parenting: Raising Children Compassionately (I believe is the title). It is ~$6. The NVC process helped me to articulate my observations, my feelings, my needs and make a request in a forthright manner that facilitates win-win solutions. It also helped me to *listen* to the underlying communications of other's perspectives of *their* observations, feelings, needs, requests. None of this was modelled in my childhood. I am still on a huge learning curve.

If you are not familiar with Jan Fortune Wood, I think you would find her thought provoking. She has a web site: The Autonomous Child. I LOVE everything she writes. You might find some articles there or at 'The Natural Child Project' (Jan Hunt's web site) to share with your mom regarding her "discipline" concerns. The "danger" is that you are opening up a can of worms by broaching the subject with her. I imagine she will give you the 'you turned out fine' theory as proof of her parenting practices.

I agree with Identity, that if discussing these issues with her wounds your confidence, I wouldn't subject myself to that type of relationship. Discuss decorating challenges, old family recipes, gardening secrets, natural vitamin supplementation, knitting, or whatever else ; and *ask* her input about these, instead. Personally, child-rearing is a taboo subject for My Mother, Myself. (Pun intended.) This has been clarified explicitly. And it is respected.

Best wishes, Pat