Having a bad week...

[mama2girls]

I would say that I used to be even tempered, but the past few weeks I get so mad so easily. I hide it well, dh didn't even know until last night that I was feeling so miserable again.

I feel so out of control. I get mad at dd#1 so easily. Is it because she's 2.5 or becuase I need to up my ppd meds? Is it because I'm so tired or because I have been trying to do it all while my mom has been hospitalized for nearly a month? The only one I'm truly happy with is dd#2. Is it because I love bfing so much?

I have been worrying for a week now, since I read a thread about having favorite children, that I truly prefer #2 to #1. Some days I wonder if I'd miss her if she were gone for awhile (like spending the week at il's) or if I'd even notice. When she spends a weekend with my gma, I don't miss her at all. I worry that with my ppd after she was born that I never adequately bonded with her. But, how could I have missed bonding with a child I bf for a whole year?

This is so scary to me. I want to love my children, I want to nuture them and listen to them and be the best mother I can be and I feel like a miserable failure. Writing it out seems to help a little. I just don't know what to do to get my emotions back under control. I can fly into a rage at the littlest things that used to make me laugh.

[Jish]

Jenni, do you go to a pdoc, or do you get your meds through your family doctor? If you don't go to a pdoc, I suggest you do so. I love mine and will be happy to recommend him to you. While I don't do actual "counseling" therapy, I really look forward to my visit with him every couple months. I can talk to him about my concerns and really feel validated and like he cares. He's really cute too. I don't know what to tell you about A. You know what, though? As I type this I just remembered something about those first few months after Jonah was born. Are you going to be at the meeting tomorrow? If so, lets talk then.

[Foobar]

Jenni-

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think it is normal for any parent to love their children differently. How do you know you won't feel the same way about #2 when she is older?

You have a lot on your plate right now, so if you can get a chance to talk this out, it might help.
I'm glad you can see Beth IRL and have someone to understand and listen to you.

Do you need more med? That's a tough call. I think you might want to take a long look at all of your stresses first before you make an important decision like that. I hate how a simple post can drive you (the generic you) crazy... I know the feeling.

As for missing bonding when bf for a year, well, I have to say I don't really buy the bf=bonding bit. (I know, I will get flamed for that one) Bonding to me, is just anytime you spend with your child and love them. You surely have done that with your first child.

And really, you are NOT a failure. You love your children enough that you are trying to improve yourself for them. How can that be a failure?

Thinking about you and I hope you feel better

[mama2girls]

It was great to talk to Beth IRL on Fri, and then A spent last night with my aunt, but today (she's only been home for 2 hours) I already am feeling badly toward her. She spent her first hour home yelling at M, hitting her, knocking her over, etc. All I could think was that my life would be heck this week if A was going to be like that. I just feel so worthless, I mean what kind of mom gets mad at her kid when she hasn't seen her for 24 hours?

Foobar, I didn't mean to imply that bf=extra special bonding. If I had been the primary formula feeder, I would also expect a special bond. I guess what I was trying to say is how, if I had spent that much concentrated time nuturing this kiddo, she was driving me nuts now and suddenly I was doubting my attachment to her.

I really am anxious to know if when M gets to be 2-3 yrs, she drives me crazy, too. Maybe I'm just not built for a 2 yo. I pretty much knew that already--I hope to be a jr/sr high media specialist when I go back to work.

I know I have a tendency to hold a grudge, and I think that all the little annoying things she does really get to me and I stew on them. (Jeze, it sounds like I am talking about my mil, not my daughter!) It does help to write them out, Foo, and it helps to talk to people (Beth, ), and also dh has been awesome this weekend. I got to sleep until 9:30 this morning (minus the bizillion times I was up with M and her sleeping with me for awhile with me keeping one eye on her so she didn't roll off the bed.)

Thanks for listening.

[gurumama]

AM Mom, my kids are 4 yo and 9 months. Until literally the last two months I was sooooo irritated by everything the 4 yo did, and totally in love with the baby. I felt like such a bad mother for feeling this way. If I was alone with ds1, no problem--I could connect with him, get into the 4 yo stuff, etc. But when I had BOTH, I totally disconnected from the 4 yo, focused on the baby, and started blaming the 4 yo for everything that was going wrong with the house, the baby, my life.

NOT good. Thankfully I have a good support network and was able to work through this very aware and with a lot of sensitivity.

Oddly enough, the past few weeks and especially this week, I find myself more interested in doing 4 yo stuff--making a diorama, building a snow fort, etc--than hanging on the couch with the baby playing patty cake or nursing. The baby is cutting his sixth tooth and is MAJOR clingy. Driving me nuts in a way I never thought possible.

I think, for me, balancing two is SO HARD. And I've come to accept that it's OK for it to be HARD. I see all these moms with three, four, five, etc. who balance well, but I'M NOT THEM. I parent really well one on one, I'm finding. I also parent MUCH better when we're out of the house at a play area, a kid-friendly museum, the grocery store. Some part of me kicks into gentle mommy mode when it's just me, the kids, and no messy house to deal with.

So, FWIW, I'm there with you, and just take it one minute at a time. Can you get some alone time with your older one to have some good connecting time?

Hugs to you,

Mel

[Foobar]

AM-

Maybe you just aren't great with 2 year olds. It's ok. I am not great with babies. I am surprizing myself with my patience with my dd. I really want her to be talking and discussing things, so I think I am ready for a full grown 6 year old to pop out of me:


I hope you weren't offended. I think I read the bf comment wrong. I see what you mean about doubting your attachment with her, but I don't think this is a terrible thing. I only have 1 child, but my sister has 3 and complains that her middle child drives her NUTS. She tells me there are days that she can't stand him and wants him to leave, but when they get the one-on-one time, she feels differently. I take the 2 older kids for a week every summer and I agree with her on that. Sometimes, I find myself getting frustrated with him, but it is different when he is alone with me.

Can you get some time with A alone? Maybe start some mom and A time everyday where you two are together and she gets your full attention?

Anyway, Keep talking and writing. We'll be listening to you!

[mama2girls]

Foo & Mel,

you guys are great (Beth, too). This week seems to be going better. She normally goes to her old sitter on Monday morn for some "preschool time", but I didn't send her this week. I think that got us off to a better start. I have been trying to do fun "Annika and Mommy" things when M has her morning nap--and try to make them things that M can't do with us. I think that helps. I might also take Beth up on the offer to watch M. She's eating solids now, so mommy and A time is getting easier! If we could just get M to sleep all night...

edited to add: I don't think I deal well with kids 2-8 or 9. I actually am a school library media specialist (when not a SAHM) and I prefer jr/sr high kids!! The youngest I like is about 10 yr olds. At least I know my limitations! I think kidnergarten teachers should be sainted.