How can I teach my DD NOT to be a "pleaser"?

[Nora'sMama]

Ths has been on my mind a lot lately. I was raised to put anyone and everyone's needs before my own, which were largely mocked or ignored. Doing so was really against my nature so I was labeled "selfish", "ungrateful", etc. - you get the picture. My life was full of intense guilt and shame, and I had no idea what appropriate boundaries were and how to have them.

As an adult I have struggled so much due to my upbringing. More than I can say, I DO NOT want this for DD. But I don't know how to teach her to have appropriate boundaries, to think herself worthy when A) I still have major issues with these things and so does DH and B) I also value politeness and a high degree of respect for others' feelings. I don't want to "throw the baby out with the bathwater" and teach her that her needs ALWAYS come before others', kwim?

It may seem like a ridiculous worry since DD is still a babe in arms. But I feel that I am already unthinkingly setting the wrong example and "teaching" her to please others before herself. Example: we were in Starbucks and a man was gaga over DD and started making all kinds of faces, etc. to try to make her smile. DD was not amused and sat stone-faced on my hip ...and I heard myself say, "Nora, the nice man is trying to get you to smile! You should smile!" - It's like I feel this pressure to please complete strangers that is totally irrational nd goes beyond simple politeness. I don't want DD to feel this pressure!

I hope I am being coherent; it's hard as I am typing with one hand and find I lose track of my thoughts due to the slowness. But I really am concerned to raise DD emotionally healthy - somehow - despite the fact that I don't think I am. Any thoughts or advice are welcome.

Elizabeth

[johub]

You know that this was against your nature and it made you uncomfortable etc. . . It is hard to know or predict what will be your daughter's nature. What I do suggest is treating them like two separate issues.
BY making an effort to respect her nature and help her have an appreciation for her own nature and to respect it. And also to encourage manners and politeness. WHen she has a strong understanding of both of these separately she will be able to choose which to honor in any given moment.
When a situation makes her feel uncomfortable and she has both a strong sense of what is expected and the understanding of how to do that, and a strong sense of herself and respecting her own innate feelings, she will be able to pull from both to determine when pleasing others will come at little to no cost to herself and when it is too costly and is not worth it.
Joline

[alamama]

Your Starbucks example reminded me...
Somewhere on this board a mama wrote that her mantra is "It is not my child's job to make me look good." I really took that to heart. It helps keep me grounded that ds's "job" is to grow and develop and learn and my job is to support him in doing those things. When I'm grounded in that, I find that my connection to ds overrides my concern about what other people think.

[crunchy_mama]

I have been thinking about this as well. When I read UP it really struck me as I am a total praise junky, "Oh honey did you like supper? Was it good? What about the veggies? How about the rice? What did you think of the sauce? " Sadly it goes on, thankfully I have a very generous, loving and supportive husband. I do not want to raise my kid(s) to rely on others for their self-worth.

My feelings on this so far and the ever- evolving plan of action is...

1)Try to show my kid(s) unconditional love through my actions and words.

2)Make praise specific and identifying rather than wrapping it up in them, encouraging them to validate themselves, rather than look to someone else's evaluation of what they do for validation

3)Accept all of them; all of their emotions, thoughts, feelings; just let them be; try not to force them to shove feelings away because it is uncomfortable. Let them know that whatever they are it is ok- it is ok to be angry, or sad- we don't have to be perky all the time for other's benefit. For me this will also strongly include accepting their body- I was brought up that anything over a size 6 was "fat." I am lucky I don't have more issues than I do I see this also manifesting as letting them have autonomy over their own being as much as possible for their age, development and the situation. If they want to wear the red pants and lime green shirt so be it; I will not ridicule or force them to be some cookie cutter just so it makes others happy.

I think manners is an entirely different issue. To me this will be approached as a respect issue, just as we respect ourselves we respect others- however- I don't forcing this issue is the way to go. I am trying very hard to set a better example with this one- this wasn't big in my house growing up.

I got a few books for Christmas which have been really helpful; Uncontional Parenting- to me it set the frame work of what it looks like to show your child Unconditional love and how some times words or actions can unwittingly convey that our love is conditional. He also discusses praise and how it can be damaging.

Also, I received "how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" I am loving this book as well. It gives real life examples on how to handle situations without using punishments and without shoving their feelings aside. It is helping me figure out how to put into practice this concept of unconditional love. She also gives examples of appropriate praise, so that the child validates themselves.

[NinaBruja]

i was starting to think i was the only one who took this as an issue...

i dont really see being polite as an issue, my daughter is polite to us because we have always been polite to her. we dont force her or expect her to say thank you or excuse me but since we say it in our everyday lives so does she...

i think as long as you validate her feelings(even babes in arms have feelings) and think of her as a person deserving of respect she will be fine...
with sandrel we always treated her like a little adult (in the respectful ways)
ive been criticized, even by ap mamas, for that but im really enjoying how shes turning out.
so i guess...see her as her own person and follow what your heart is telling you. what worked with sandrel may not work with your child.

[MoonJelly]

I, too, have concerns about this. I want to avoid that "be a good girl" message that I grew up with. I am only now realizing that this was a subtle form of sexism (mostly from my dad) that I never really noticed until recent years.

Ugh, and what do you do when strangers do that?! I hate that! Why must there always those people who stand there for what seems like an eternity trying to get your kid to smile? I think we respond in those ways just to get it over with so they will go away. I definitely think I need to come up with a strategy for this since I guess it's not really going away as she gets older. I definitely don't want her to think that she has to please some stranger like that, especially one who is male.

[Nora'sMama]

Wow, thank you for the thoughtful replies. I wish I could respond more fully right now but am at my parents' house and computer access time is limited. However you have all given me much to think about and I will try to reply more when I have a chance. There are so many aspects of this issue that I want to discuss, actually.

[NinaBruja]

Originally Posted by MoonJelly

I, too, have concerns about this. I want to avoid that "be a good girl" message that I grew up with. I am only now realizing that this was a subtle form of sexism (mostly from my dad) that I never really noticed until recent years.

Ugh, and what do you do when strangers do that?! I hate that! Why must there always those people who stand there for what seems like an eternity trying to get your kid to smile? I think we respond in those ways just to get it over with so they will go away. I definitely think I need to come up with a strategy for this since I guess it's not really going away as she gets older. I definitely don't want her to think that she has to please some stranger like that, especially one who is male.

ack youre right!
i know not many of you would feel comfortable doing this but when people stand around forever harrasing my dd i just outright tell them 'i dont think shes up for that'... i dont really care if they think im rude or whatever, my job isnt to make them happy my duties lie with dd...
im finding that even though shes very verbal i still have to intervene on her behalf because shes getting frustrated with someone who isnt listening to her..

[TortelliniMama]

Originally Posted by poxybat

ack youre right!
i know not many of you would feel comfortable doing this but when people stand around forever harrasing my dd i just outright tell them 'i dont think shes up for that'... i dont really care if they think im rude or whatever, my job isnt to make them happy my duties lie with dd...

ITA! I tend to use humor as well. If ds is serious and people are trying to make him smile, I might say, "Oh, he's busy contemplating the economy." If they're trying to get him to 'perform' and he's not in the mood, I'll say, "Isaac's motto is, 'I'm not a poodle; I don't do tricks.'" People generally get the point.