Not sure what to think?

[AahRee]

I am not sure if I belong in here or not. My DH suggested I talk to someone, and the self-assessments suggested the same thing, so maybe I should, but I am not really sure I am ready for that. And if I do need to talk to someone, I am not really sure that PPD is to blame.

Basically, our lives have been chaotic for a while now, and having our DD (as much as we love her) just added to that chaos. In the past 3 years, we've gotten engaged, gotten married, moved three times (not just different homes, but different cities and in one instance, different states) found out we were expecting our DD (who was an *oopsie*), bought a house, and tried and failed to get pg with a second baby. So, it's been a little hectic!

Not to mention that I have had four different jobs during that time. I was at the point of either resigning or being fired from the first one, I was laid off of the second, and I left the third on maternity leave, but I probably would have left anyway. It wasn't working out. I still have the fourth job. I WAH, which I am supposed to be doing right now It's okay, but it makes our lives a lot harder... I take care of DD all day while DH works, and when he gets home, he gets DD and I start working. Which doesn't leave much time to connect with one another.

Plus, honestly, I was losing weight when I got pg with DD, which was great (I needed to), and I lost a bunch right after she was born, but I am still 25# over my pre-pg weight, and I HATE it.

Is it any wonder that I am feeling blue? I really don't think it has much to do with PPD, except that maybe it is just harder to deal with when you have to focus on taking care of a baby.

On the positive side, my DD is great - a wonderful, happy, smiley baby. She sleeps well and has done so since she was 6 weeks old, which helps a lot since I am usually up late working. She's very healthy and happy. However, my DH thinks I worry too much about her. I worry about stupid things that I can't control right now, like what schools will be like when she goes and whether or not she will be challenged in them. And whether or not the schools will have sex offenders attending. : So, I'm a little paranoid when it comes to my DD. I want the very best for her, and it drives me nuts when I think I have found it, and then later find something better, something that I should have done differently.

I had a serious meltdown the other day, and my DH had no idea what to do about it. I really just felt like everything was out of control and getting worse, and I couldn't keep all the balls in the air, you know what I mean? I got pretty hysterical and couldn't catch my breath, and when I did catch it, I said all kinds of horrible things. But normally, I really can handle things just fine, so I am not sure if there is really a problem here or not. :

He thinks I should talk to someone and maybe I should. Only, in order for that to happen, we'd have to borrow the $$$ from DH's parents, and I wouldn't like telling them what it was for. DH's SIL was on depression meds, and it was sort of a subject of *hush-hush* conversation in the family, and I don't want that.

But I want to be a better wife and mother to my DH and DD... I don't know what to do, really.

Sorry, I'm rambling now. If this is the wrong place for this, please delete it. Thanks!

[mamabutterfly]

First of all, here is a hug!

And welcome to MDC! Hopefully you will find lots of support here and also affirmation that you are doing an amazing thing by raising your daughter well... and many working mamas, too, who are trying to juggle a lot , just like you.

But, wow, what a pile of things you have been dealing with in the past couple of years! I think that PPD, like many things, exists on a spectrum. Some women might experience what could be called 'severe' or 'clinical', and it stops you from being able to function much. But there is a range of severity, too, and ther eis something insidious I believe about mild depression, which is hanging there like a cloud but you feel like you'd be whining or blowing it out of proportion to talk about it.

I've had a hectic past three years, too, but I stayed in the same city, in pretty much the same circles of friends, and still I end up feeling really isolated most days. So I can only imagine that you might feel quite isolated with all that uprooting you've done. Being home with a babe all day can feel both overwhelming and boring, never-alone and yet always-lonely (even at the same time as it's wonderful -- I love my dd to pieces too! )

Well, I have a to-do list before naptime is up. I just wanted to say that I hear you. Hang in there.

mamabutterfly

[mrzmeg]

I'm in a similar situation right now. How old is your DD? My DS is three and a half months old now. I've been really down since his birth, but I think I tended toward depression even before that. I just made an appointment this morning to go talk with a counselor.
My DH said something that made a lot of sense. If you aren't feeling the way you want to, you should try to get help.
I go up and down, too. Sometimes (like now), it's hard to realize I have a problem. But when I'm really down, it's bad. I would definately encourage you to go see someone. A lot of psychologists try to resolve things with out meds, so you might not have to go that route. I guess you don't have insurance? If you're eligible income-wise for Medicaid, you might be able to get it to cover counseling. I think they consider PPD a complication of pregnancy, so it might be worth a shot.
(((hugs))). Feel free to come here and vent as often as you need to .

[Jish]

I'm sorry about what you are going through. I am currently on anti-depressants and have no embarrassment about telling anyone that I am. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that was so severe that I couldn't function and ended up in the hospital for six days. For me, the anxiety is what knocks me flat. I go throught extreme periods of anxiety about my health (which is fine: ). Part of my brain knows that when I get like this, it's crazy, but the part of my brain that is "controlled" by the imbalance just can't stop the obsessive worrying.

I feel sorry that your SIL's disease is sort of a family secret. If she were a diabetic and on insulin, would they feel the same way? She is being treated for a chemical imbalance - pure and simple. She is not crazy. The reason I went for so long was that I wasn't "depressed" the way people think of depression. I was very happy with my life. I wasn't "depessed" about anything. My brain chemistry simply got thrown out of whack, likely from late onset PPD and severe sleep deprivation. Because I went so long before being diagnosed (my ds was three weeks from turning two -- but it began about a year before that.) my official diagnosis is clinical depression. It also runs strongly in my family and is something I will have to deal with throughout my life.

Talk to your SIL. Ask her questions about her depression. Her answers might surprise you. She may be much more open about talking about it than you think. It feels good to talk about it with someone who understands, because, trust me, those who haven't been there simply can't understand as much as they would like to think they can.

See if you can find a counselor who works on a sliding scale if you can. Just don't go to your family doctor. They are not informed enough as a whole to deal with the issues involved in depression.

Keep posting and know that you are welcome here.

[AahRee]

Thank you all so much for your support. I am so glad I found this community.

mamabutterfly ~ Thanks. I think you're right about there being a spectrum. I guess I am realizing that I am in a different place on it than I thought I was.

mrzmeg ~ Katie is 8.5 months now. (I can't believe it's gone by so fast!) Anyway, I think I tended toward depression and/or anxiety before that, though, too. I guess the emotions/hormones/sleep deprivation of motherhood sort of brought things to a head. Anyway, I do have insurance through COBRA from my old job, but we were planning to switch me to an individual plan that doesn't cover any kind of mental health visits. I guess we could keep the COBRA coverage for a while longer, but it is about 3x as much per month that what we were going to switch me to, so it might actually be less $$$ to just pay out-of-pocket.

jbcjmom ~ I think the reason my SIL's depression is *hush-hush* is that she didn't tell anyone, and my MIL didn't want to gossip (which is why I wish she hadn't said anything at all) but my BIL and SIL are separated and planning to divorce, and her depression is a factor both in why they are separating and in why they haven't yet divorced. So MIL mentioned it to DH by way of explaination of what is going on with BIL and SIL. Anyway, I think MIL and FIL aren't really talking about it much to protect her privacy, since SIL doesn't talk about it much herself. But the fact that they are so *hush-hush* about it makes it seem as though they disapprove. (Well, and I know they think BIL got a raw deal in their marriage. They think he had to do everything for her because she was too depressed to take care of things herself. I don't think that that is really the way it happened, but that is BIL's story, and they are obviously going to believe their DS over the woman who broke his heart and left him... So, their impression of depression is colored by their perception of what is going on with BIL and SIL - most of which has nothing to do with her depression at all. *sigh* ) Anyway, I would love to talk to SIL about it, but she is now out of state, and it would probably be pretty awkward, since she is divorcing my DH's brother.

I think I will call the pastor at our church, though, and see if he can refer me to someone who can see me on a sliding scale. I guess that is as good a place to start as any. Thank you so much for the warm welcome. It is so nice to know I am not alone!

[Jish]

Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[shematrix]

mom2katie

Did you call your pastor yet and get a referal? How are you feeling now?

HUgs,

Brenda

[AahRee]

An update...

It has been a while since I posted in here last. I am still having a lot of trouble dealing with the idea that I might need help with this. Mamabutterfly ~ you are so right. It feels like blowing it out of proportion to talk about it, because I do function fairly well most of the time, and I mean, really - in a lot of ways, my life is everything I've ever wanted. I have a DH who loves me despite my problems and a gorgeous, funny, wonderful DD who is the envy of everyone who meets her. Strangers, men even, stop me on the street because she is smiling at them and they can't pass by without commenting on how adorable she is. We own our own home and it is a really great house. We have my ILs nearby, who help out however they can and have been nothing but wonderful to both of us. We have friends here (well, they are really DH's friends and their wives, but it is better than no friends at all!) We even have a church we like. So, why can't I shake this grey cloud?

We did try talking to our pastor, but the conversation centered around our (incredibly stressful) financial situation, and he was all balance sheets and bottom lines. My feelings about our life (financial and otherwise) were basically dismissed. He basically said that he realizes the situation is stressful, but that we should just muddle through the next several years and it will get better someday. Only, on the really, really bad days, I'm not sure we'll make it that far. And to be fair, I really tried to remain composed and non-chalant about the whole thing, so he probably didn't see that we were there for more than just number-crunching. I HATE, HATE, HATE feeling out of control or needy in any way, and I especially hate thinking anyone else sees me that way, so I guess I couldn't get past that to actually ask for help. My heart is racing as I type this, because I feel so exposed, and I don't even know any of you.

I have given some thought to talking to my OB about this when I schedule my annual exam. He is awesome, and I probably feel more comfortable talking to him than any other person IRL other than my DH. The problem with that, though, is that my insurance policy doesn't cover *mental disease* : and even if I could get some good advice from him during my exam, I wouldn't be covered for any kind of follow up or medications. So unless he had a magic wand, I don't think it would do any good. Plus, he thinks I am so composed. I do a good job of faking it.

Anyway, I am not sure what to do next. I hate the idea of just living with this. I am hoping that stopping this transcription job will be the thing that kicks it, but I don't think it is likely. I feel like a crybaby to even be complaining about all of this, but on the other hand, it is starting to take its toll on DH and even on DD, too, and it isn't fair to them. I wish sometimes that I could give them a better wife/mommy...

[mommy2kyler]

OH mom2katie, I feel for you. I have been there and still there. YOu should really call DAD (depression after delivery) b/c they got in in touch w/ a university near me, where I was able to be seen for free. It really worked out, I loved my DR. he was great.

The thing that really got to me in your story was everything that you had been through from the very beginning. I had a very similar situation, moved across the country away form all my family and friends. (hubby was in Navy) Not only that but we had a very rocky mariage. Things seemed to get better during preg, but after the baby problems started to surface. Lucky for us we found a great therapist! Anyway, I don't think you need to wait any longer. It's hard to even do the simplest things when going through this.

But it sounds like you truly want to find help. That is a big step just in itself. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If there is anything I can do.... Please don't think twice!


(((hugs)))

[mamabutterfly]

((((())))))) I'm sorry it has continued to feel so hard! You sound like a wonderful partner & mama already but yes, your family will thrive most when you are living as your full self!
And most importantly, you really do deserve to live joyfully just for you, too. You have been through so many transitions it sounds like and it is hard to feel isolated - even among many great people. Relocating is hard, as is the transition to motherhood, and all the rest.

Every one of us can benefit from someone not connected to all of this to talk with. And with a counselor there isn't the sense of "oh I feel bad for whining to dh [or whoever]" (Not that i even consider it whining to share our struggles but i'm just referring to your feeling that it can seem that way to you).

The pastor conversation doesn't sound at all like what you needed! : Talk to that OB -- that sounds like someone you can confide in an it is likely he'll point you towards a reference!

Keep us posted. Spring has been lifting my spirits some. Hope it does for you.

take care,
mamabutterfly

[ilovemybaby]

Sounds similiar

Hi mom2katie,

Your situation sounds similiar to mine. I don't have any answers for you, but maybe if I shared what's going on with me, we might find some common ground that could help us both?

I have been depressed a bit since DD was born. I took the assessment test and scored just 41, so I'm on the border, I guess. But it sure feels worse than that. I also have a good life, good DH, happy DD (6 months old), nice home, good family, although they aren't nearby. But we have someone living with us, a friend of the family, "Susie", and she is our "family assistant" helping us with DD, cooking, cleaning, errands, etc. DH and I both work at home, and we just couldn't get everything done after DD was born. So "Susie" came to live with us. Like you, I hate to complain!

Your last three years sound like our last five years. We started dating, I had to move away for 6 months, moved back, kept dating, got engaged, married, went back to college, moved from the mainland to Hawaii (talk about an ordeal!), I started a new business that opened 6 weeks after DD was born. Things got super crazy then, and we hired "Susie" to live with us for 9 months while we adjusted. The business was crazy, even working from home (another thing in common with you). I thought working from home would be easier when having children, but it is still so hard. No time to spend with DH, I hear you! We are both so busy with our work and keeping up the yard and house, projects, problems, etc.

I wanted to end my new business, but I have spent the past 2-3 years getting it ready, investing money, etc. I feel like I need to keep going with it. I also feel guilty because it is my DH's money that started my business. I would feel so bad closing it and taking a big loss, although he assures me that it would be fine with him, he just wants me to be happy. What a guy! It also brings me a lot of satisfaction, so there is some guilt going on with running this business and not spending time with DD and DH. DH also paid a bunch of my debts when we got married and I feel like I owe him - I want this business to be a success to pay him back - although he says not to worry about that, either.

When you talk about feeling like you really can't complain, and that your life is pretty good and you hate feeling out of control and needy, I understand! I am just on the border of feeling depressed, almost like I'm whining and not really in need of help. I read other people's troubles with PPD and they sound really severe, so my issues seem like nothing. And yet, I can't shake the dark cloud either! Am I just being whiney, or is there something there? Not that I want my depression to be worse, but if it was, then maybe I would feel justified in seeking help! Does that make any sense?

I know this might not be very helpful to you, but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone!

[AahRee]

It has been a while since I braved coming in here, so I apologize for not responding earlier. Let's say I was taking a little trip down *De Nile*... :

Anyway, every time I thought I was doing fine without any help, something would happen to knock me back down and make me lose control. The final straw was a very scary health scare I just had. The short version of that story is that my lung capacity is currently at around 40% of normal, and it took a few weeks to figure out why. For a while, I was convinced that I had a rare lung disorder called lymphangioleiomyomatosis (LAM). I was convinced I had that because the breathing problems started around the time I had my daughter, and pregnancy can be a trigger for LAM. And LAM is a progressive lung disease with no cure, and a life expectancy of 10 to 20 years, tops. It was really, really, really scary. And when it turned out that I do NOT have LAM (after a lung biopsy... which was NO fun... ), I realized that I really want to be able to LIVE the life I have, not just muddle through under this dark cloud. Nothing like the possibility of a terminal diagnosis to set your priorities straight, right? So anyway, I realized that I was being selfish by not doing something about my depression. Which is what it is - it is depression. I realized that it isn't fair to DH or DD to have to live with me like this. And I decided to do something this time ~ not just talk about doing it, but actually do it.

So, I took advantage of an appointment with our nurse practitioner on Wednesday to bring this issue up. And she was SO nice. She gave me a questionnaire to fill out (like the one I had already taken) and told me to fill it out as if I were in the middle of one of my depressed times (because I wasn't feeling depressed at all that day. For me, it is sort of cyclical... anyway...). She scored it and told me that I had moderate to marked depression. She suggested starting anti-inflammatories and/or anti-depressants. I told her I would be starting prednisone soon for my lung disease. (I have what is basically a severe allergy to dogs that manifests itself as inflammation in my lungs. The inflammation was severe enough to start bursting aveoli and causing holes... ). She said that one of the common side effects of prednisone is depression, so it would be a good idea to try the anti-depressant. So, I'm taking the lowest possible dose of Celexa as of Wednesday. I'm actually only taking a half dose until Monday, when I go up to a full (but minimum) dose.

I'm honestly iffy about the idea of meds, but since I'm going to be full of nasty chemicals anyway, and those nasty chemicals could make my depression worse, I figure I might as well see if the anti-depressants help.

So, I'm doing something about it. Finally. It is weird, though. I wasn't feeling depressed when I took my first dose, so I have no idea how to gauge if they're working. I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens in the next two weeks.

I mentioned all of this to my mom yesterday. She said she'd been meaning to say something to me because she thought I was depressed. She said that she noticed that my coping skills, which used to be really good, were pretty much shot. And she said she was really happy that I was doing something about it. I kind of wondered if she would have an issue with the meds, but she just said she hoped they helped. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive response from her.

[Penguintrax]

Glad to hear that things are looking up, although I'm sorry you had to go through a health scare in order to seek some help.

Keep us posted...and take one day at a time.

I wasn't depressed every day, either, but after being on meds for just 2 weeks, I notice a huge difference - just keep taking things as directed and you'll see the sunshine!

[mama2girls]

mom2katie, Wow, what an ordeal you have been through. I think that you will find that the Celexa, combined with finally have an answer and treatment to your health problems will boost your mood tremendously. Keep on top of the feelings, especially in light of hte prednisone causing depressive feelings. Thanks for the update!

Godspeed,
J

[AahRee]

Thanks Penguintrax and AM Mom!

I've been taking the Celexa now for 7 days. I started with a half-dose for the first four days, and have had a full dose (20 mg) for the past two days as well as today. And I can honestly say that I can already tell a difference. I am SO much more calm. And motivated! I find it strange to be both at the same time. Usually, I'm either dead to the world, or completely frantic, so it is a really good change!

So far, I haven't noticed any side effects, other than a little insomnia the first couple of nights. But I tend to have that, anyway. I'm thinking that I need a bedtime routine as much as my toddler does!

Anyway, so far so good!

[Momma Aimee]

Glad you are getting better.

It does get better.

I do not have PPD; but clinic Dep and have had some really black times; where I couldn't function. IT DOES GET BETTER.

I have been on Celxia 3 years not and it is great. I am currently on 40 after a long time at 80.

Read the artial from Yahoo I posted about benifits of Anti-D medication.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are christian I will sugget at least one book for you as depression support. the Story of Shelia Walsh (fromer 700 club host and recording artist) and her depression, by her, it is a tear jerker.

Remmber we aren't alone; even Churchill battled depression.

Aimee

[AahRee]

THanks Aimee!
I will look for that book. I've noticed that I have been SO much happier lately. AF showed up today, and I had none of my usual PMS rage, which is a great improvement. However, I've noticed a couple of side-effects. I'm going to monitor myself for another week or so, and if I can't deal with them, I'll discuss it with my doctor and see if she can help. I'm glad you're getting better, too! My mom thinks I might have underlying general depression - it wouldn't suprise me. I think the post-partum thing just brought it to the boiling point.

[Momma Aimee]

about the side effects ......

don't give up too soon. the side effects fade as you get used to the medication. I don't remember how long it took; its been 3 years, ask your doc, maybe as long as 4 or 6 week. BUT the side effect do go away. And go aways totally.

So unless they are really bad; I'd try to wait it out; or at least give it some time.

You might try Zoloft. As I understand it, it is chemically similar to Celxa. (I was on it back in college and right after for about 4 years and it worked great -- zoloft and celixa have been the best tow for me).

Kepp up posted.

Aimee

Ps ......there just might be clinicl depression; if you have clinicial dep then you are 7X more likly to have PPD and the worse the pre-baby depression the worse the PPD.

A