Feeling like I'm not the parent I thought I was.

[ShadowMom]

I've been feeling a bit depressed lately because I just feel like I'm not as good of a parent as I thought I was.

DS turned 2 on 12/3 and he is really challenging in some ways. He's never slept well, and a few months ago graduated to wanting to eat and read when he wakes up at night, and screaming uncontrollably for hours if I don't.

I am just such a horrible parent when the screaming starts. I say mean things, cuss (I mean, I cuss AT him). I figured out that he doesn't want me to leave him when he's going through this, but I have to admit a couple of times the screaming has just been too much and I've walked off and left him in the room. How horrible is it when your child feels abandoned and, face bright red and screaming, comes running for you and reaches out his arms.

I guess I'm just looking for a little reassurance and maybe a pick-me-up that I'm not a bad gal maybe?

I guess the reason I've started feeling so horrible is that I've started limiting what I will do for him at night. I've always believed that if I just got him what he felt he needed and stuck through it, eventually he would sleep through the night and we'd be OK. But if I scream at him and yell at him and am a horrible parent, what good am I? So we're working on "no reading until it's daytime out". It's actually going well, once he understands he seems ok with it. (the whole saga of nightwaking is for another thread)

I just feel like such a failure because of having to do this, I guess. Like, he needs stuff from me that I'm not able to give. And it just breaks my heart.

Anyone got a story they can relate or something they can say to make me feel like I'm doing the right things? Or, any tips on keeping your cool and your sanity when you have been stretched to the breaking point?

[sunbaby]

well, i cannot read this and not reply, but i need to get off to bed soon, so i just want to give you a hug.

it does sound to me that you have golden ideals and they've caused you to put yourself out way too much and in hurting yourself now are hurting your son. setting boundaries and limits are good for kids, and necessary for moms. your child can only be as well as you yourself are. set limits for him without guilt, becuase the guilt will hurt you and also your son will percieve it and therefore feel uneasy with the limits you are setting.

it sounds like you are taking a philosophy of infants (that wants and needs are one and the same) and applying it to a toddler. i think your ds is at and age when it is time to begin gently setting boundaries and limits.

i know night waking is one of the hardest things for me to deal with well in the moment becuase it just feels like i am going to DIE if i cant get some sleep.

hang in there. i know you are going to get some more good and specific advice her. good luck.

[TortelliniMama]

I agree with the PP. Please forgive yourself for not being able to cheerfully fulfill your ds's every wish. Sure, eating when you're hungry is a need. If he's waking up hungry, then you might have some crackers or something by the bed. Being read to in the middle of the night is not, IMHO, a need. It sounds like you're working on teaching him that limit in a gentle, respectful way ("no reading till it's daylight"), and it also sounds like this limit is one that you need in order to be better able to respond to his other needs without screaming or other inappropriate behavior. It's *okay*!

[UUMom]

Growing babies are challenging, for sure.

You also need to take baby steps. Maybe cuss under your breath. Figure this-- you can't expect a baby to control himself any better than an adult can. If you escalate, he will. If the adult is calm, the baby can probably calm quicker.

Nobody is going to be perfect, but we can make small changes that will add up in a good way.

[Ruthla]

We're all human and imperfect. Remember that GD is a set of ideals. These are goals to strive for, and it's OK if we fall short at times. No, let me rephrase that. It's ok WHEN we fall short!

Our children will learn that we're not perfect and it's OK if they're not perfect either. They'll learn from us how to admit when they're wrong and keep on trying to do right.

For me, remembering the above helps me to maintain some perspective when I get overwhelmed. Then I make "babying myself" a priority for at least a few minutes.

[janebug]

mama, i can totally feel your pain,

here's a thread i just started out of desperation this past week. my guy just all of a sudden wanted to start doing crazy things in the middle of the night. i did not react well. in fact one early morning my husband hollered at me to just get out ( of course that did not help at all)
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=391854

but anyway, if it helps, i am there with you!

hugs!!