Are you GD by nature?

[newbymom05]

Today we were in the backyard and eavesdropped on our neighbors "disciplining" their child--basically threatening to spank if he didn't "stop whining." So I started to wonder, what will I do in that situation? (DS is only 6 mo.) I would like to think I would just ignore it, or redirect, or etc. But...I have a quick temper. My DH is absolutely fabulous in a million ways, yet I frequently react w/out thinking and nag, bitch, and generally act the shrew. I don't want to ever shame/punish/etc. DS, yet I certainly don't wake up planning to be a pain in my DH's arse either!

So, GD mamas, is GD an easy (for lack of a better word) path for you--just part of your general nature? Or is it something you have to consciously work on?

[ThinkBlu]

I had my first child at 35. When I was younger, like in my 20's, my 'natural state' was to see right/wrong, black/white, good/bad...if I had started my family at that time, I think I would have been much more mainstream in my parenting, simply because that was my 'education' and frankly becuase information was not so readily available as on the internet and at that time, I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't really seek to be educated. Luckily, I was open minded enough that I was educated despite my lack of seeking and when I did have kids in my 30's, I was a different person, more shades of grey and recognizing that most people are acting with similar intentions and desires, that we are mostly all 'on different roads attempting to get to the same destination'. I think it has made me kinder, gentler, more patient, more understanding etc., and as I have always been very even tempered, I would say that now it does come very naturally to me.

[Talula Fairie]

No, I'm not GD by nature. I have issues with anger and rage. It's VERY hard for me to not yell, not want to hit ect. I was abused as a child and in my house, when people were upset, they yelled. Though I've been moved out for years, and my husband is not a yeller, it's very very hard to unlearn these behaviors. My first child is just hitting the toddler stage, and I've had a hard time staying calm. But I sought therapy and WILL do whatever I possibly can to remain on a gentle dicipline path. Even if it is not easy.

[Fuamami]

NO! I'm not at all. It's hard for me, too, and I've chosen to be more "coercive" than some moms here to help me with that.

But don't be discouraged! Practice has helped me immensely. Reacting calmly and kindly has become a very ingrained habit for me, and it's now almost always my first response.

[Tummy]

Originally Posted by Talula Fairie

No, I'm not GD by nature. I have issues with anger and rage. It's VERY hard for me to not yell, not want to hit ect. I was abused as a child and in my house, when people were upset, they yelled. Though I've been moved out for years, and my husband is not a yeller, it's very very hard to unlearn these behaviors.

Are you my twin?

I ditto every word you typed!!!

Its hard to unlearn a behavior you have been taught. The old saying "Children learn what they live" is so true! I have had in the past a really hard time with yelling. Being hit as a child myself I swore I would not do this to my children. But often found myself screaming at them. I would not even put it in the catagory of a loud voice. I look back now and it breaks my heart to remember how I have yelled/screamed at my children, and even my SO.

[captain crunchy]

heyyyy....we had our babies the same day!!! Cool, congrats!

GD in general is not something I would think would come naturally to me. I am a fairly impatient person, a person quick to act before thinking (I have gotten better)...and in my house growing up, yelling and hitting were up there with parenting "techniques"...

...but not to worry. I am so amazed at this untapped well of patience that seemed to come with the birth of my daughter... I mean, seriously, I would have never guessed I would have this much patience and calmness when interacting with her --- my husband hopes it will rub off on my patience level with him

...I would just say put it into practice now...read, research, come here, post, read posts, practice daily with your child and every interaction you have together...

[obiandelismom]

I'm not at all. Before I had kids, I taught as a substitute, and I was a total raging screaming monster. : When I had my first, I still believed that you had to "teach them that you're in charge" By the time I had my second, and AP'd him from birth, I finally GOT IT that you don't have to yell or threaten or punish - kids really and truly do want to do what you want them to do, 90% of the time. Stay connected to your little one, and it will be much easier than you think it will!

[Devaskyla]

No, definitely not. It's a struggle for me every single day and most days I fail miserably (dh tries to tell me no one could live up to my standards, but unless everyone's exaggerating, an awful lot of mamas here are coming way closer than I do).

[loraxc]

I would never even have the urge to tell my kid to stop whining or she'll get spanked, or to SAY any of the really mean stuff I've heard people say to their kids. But I would say I am emotionally intense, and in the heat of the moment I certainly have the urge to yell (nothing really mean comes to my mouth, but things like a nasty "STOP IT NOW!!"), and rarely to hit (which I have not done, but at times, yes, the urge has been there ).

I definitely agree that practice helps.

I would, however, say that I am a Playful Parenter by nature. That book was such a joyful read for me!

[royaloakmi]

Before I had kids, I would have said it was in my "nature." I am actually an unusually patient person (with adults).

Now, having had two very high needs infant twins, who are now very spirited 2 year olds, I would say I have to WORK at it everyday. They are constantly coming up with new things/situations that try my last nerve. Long term sleep deprivation doesn't help.

However, the cool thing is that once you develop a reasonable approach, a lot of it becomes automatic. Some of it is just about programming yourself how to respond, and remembering to breathe.

[anhaga]

On the spectrum I am more GD than ... well, what do we call the other end of the spectrum? In general, I'm quiet and introverted. I do get angry, but its incremental and I tend to tell the children that I'm getting increasingly frustrated. And then I try to figure out if they are too. And we tend to verbalize it.

DH is from a more explosive background and he is more explosive verbally (but never physically thankfully).

[Kira's mom]

I was raised very gently. I was never hit.My dad used to yell and I hated that.I have had to work at times on that.Getting more sleep has helped. I DO NOT believe in spanking at all.I guess it comes pretty naturally to me.I teuly believe that our children want to please us. I've gotten great support here at MDC.Keep coming here. There are alot of wise mamas with many opinions and you can take what you want from it. i just read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and it has helped me to be more kind to dh too!

[Jilian]

I am not GD by nature. I was raised very mainstream, when it came to discipline there lots of threats and the occasional spanking. But I really believe in GD and I try my hardest to practice GD. I have good days and bad. Some days I yell at DS and I have spanked him in the past. I don't ever want to spank him again and I haven't in a long time. I'm a work in progress, but I try my hardest and really believe in GD.

[Dragonfly]

I'm a perfect, GD mother.


Unless I'm stressed. And I'm always stressed.

I find the more I read about how yelling, punishment, etc. affects children, the easier it is for me to reign it in. But I have to read and re-read often. And I have to take care of myself - sleep, exercise, eat well, and take some time for just me. The more I feed my soul, the more I can feed my son's.

[johub]

I think it comes naturally to me.
My oldest was born when I was 19 and I disciplined her without ever hearing about GD but just as it was expected at the time.
Back then there wasnt so much information on not spanking. The information that was availible was on how to keep spanking from being abuse. So I vowed never to spank in anger. And never to use anythign but my hand on a bottom. And I did it a few times because I thought I had to.
But it did NOT come naturally to me. It just seemed absolutely stupid and wrong. And when my dd was 5 and she just laughed at me when I tried to spank her I suddenly thought "what in the WORLD am I doing? I might not know what else to do. But I won't do this ever again."
And parenting and discipline became much easier when I started listening to my gut and "choosing my battles" (which were very few).
I am usually extremely patient. ( I do have my moments, usually as a result of sleep deprivation) but I can say "please dont pull mommy's hair, it is not a trapeze" a thousand times and still have a smile on my face at 1001.
I find that my biggest challenge at GD was just letting go of the expectations that society has on how we teach our children. I never wanted to be harsh and punative. It was all I knew.
Joline

[newbymom05]

Thanks, mamas, for the advice and reassurance! I guess I need to start reading and researching now.

[writermommy]

I have always been naturally gentle with kids. It's some adults that I want to spank! I worked with kids teaching preschool and elementary school for 10 years before I had children. I was never a yeller or punishing kind of teacher. My co workers would frequently comment that they never heard me raise my voice or send a child to time out. I always said I worked with kids because I can't deal with adults.
When a four year old is having a fit, I know it's developmentally appropriate and part of being a kid. When a 40 year old is acting like a 4 year old, I can't take it!

[johub]

Writermommy,
You make a good point. I also had lots of practice being patient with other peoples kids from working in Daycare too!
If you can handle 9 one year olds at the same time for 8 hours, it really doesnt seem so tough when you only have one or two. (plus they are your own and you love them so much that they dont irritate you the way an unrelated child might)
Joline

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by Tummy

Are you my twin?

I ditto every word you typed!!!

Its hard to unlearn a behavior you have been taught. The old saying "Children learn what they live" is so true! I have had in the past a really hard time with yelling. Being hit as a child myself I swore I would not do this to my children. But often found myself screaming at them. I would not even put it in the catagory of a loud voice. I look back now and it breaks my heart to remember how I have yelled/screamed at my children, and even my SO.

We could be twins. I think our situation is not uncommon. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. I try so hard not to yell and lose my temper, I know it hurts my DD's feelings...but it's so hard. I'll get better with time, I know.

[Crunchier]

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

...but not to worry. I am so amazed at this untapped well of patience that seemed to come with the birth of my daughter... I mean, seriously, I would have never guessed I would have this much patience and calmness when interacting with her --- my husband hopes it will rub off on my patience level with him

I am the polar opposite. I was a very patient and understanding person until Ben was born. I was raised with lots of affection, and VERY high standards, lots of punishment and absolutely never any praise. I am good with being more positive, but I too have extremely high standards for Ben, and I get frustrated and angry with far more easily than I expected. I have never cared so much about anything to get all worked up over it. I am working on it, and have improved by a million percent. I too am more coercive than many here, but I'm doing what I can.