Help me be more assertive about my parenting style..

[gaialice]

I am home with my parents for the holidays. The kids are staying up way too late, they do not get the sleep they need and are generally overexcited. DD1 has become more challenging than her usual (although, it would have been hard to imagine it could get any worse) and throws major fits for the most stupid little things (like her favourite t-shirt is not clean...) While I am not giving into her fits, I sometimes do lose it, which I should (but do not) forgive me for given the circumstances. Since everyone around here thinks mild spanking is OK and everyone does it, you can imagine the chorus. The problem is I cannot defend my parenting style because my kids are disobedient and disrepectful, while theirs are much calmer.
Today dd1 started to scream she was hungry and while I was fixing some snack for dd2 I told her Ok I will fix you something too. Would you like fish. She said yes, OK I warm the fish. While it is on the fire she screams I am hungry NOWWW and proceeds to open and bang close the fridge door. Two or three times over. I say that fridge really costs a lot of money and I will not allow you to break it. At this very point, DD2 asked me if she could have a little cheese on her soup. I was really not at my best by then and I screamed: "there, here's your stupid fish you can eat it cold!" I also proceeded through the kitchen like a madwoman and plated it on her dish. My brother said that "What you just did is worse than spanking. You should dump all your stupid theories, and just look around yourself to see the results of what everyone else has been doing and the results of what you had been doing." I said, OK I lost it, it happens sometimes. He said it happens all the time because I have no control over my dc. I said I am not going to spank my dd I am going to spank YOU. Which I luckily did not do. DD1 while eating her cold fish said "he's right it is not OK to yell" ..... I went on to say he is suggesting I spank you, would you like that... My mom said, this is not a way to serve food. Everyone should be at a table, properly sitting and eating in peace, all this running around is just the worse thing. Who wuld not agree to that.
The day ended everyone giving me dirty looks amid more tantruming.
I feel like a rotten mum, I feel like everywhere I go people look at me as though I come from Mars, I feel like I want to stay at home with dc until they turn 18 and never go anyplace or invite anyone... I am sorry for rambling MDC is just the only place where I can at least virtually meet likeminded people....

[AntoninBeGonin]

**Hugs**

You're right, the kids and you sound so stressed. I would be too, if my life was suddenly being watched by a houseful of people who were judging my every move as a parent (or as a kid).

Is there any way you can get a hotel room for the time you will be there? That'll let you and the kids act in a way more normal for you.

Best luck
~Nay

[MissRubyandKen]

That situation sounds soooooo stressful! I hope things are better today. I've noticed when I'm having an off or stressed day the kids act way different then usual. From being more demanding to being extra loud and bouncy. I think its their way of saying mom, I need you anyway and also trying to get me to laugh and play with them. I usually try to hunker down and give them my exclusive attention on days like this, which helps us all feel better. Anyway you can kinda seperate from the group for a bit?

And also PLEASE do not feel the need to defend your parenting choices to people who are telling you to spank. Instead put your energy into destressing you and the kids. Those babes hear what the other adults are saying. Just plainly say I didn't ask for advice or I will never hit my children no matter what you say so save your breath. Send home the message loud and clear without defending your parenting. There is no way losing it in that moment was more terrible than hitting a child. I apologize when I feel the jerk and my kids learn I am human with the full range of colorful emotions. The see me keep my cool so much, losing it occasionally and letting something stupid slip out my mouth is not the end of the world, ya know? We all love, strive to understand, and forgive each other in our less loveable moments. How is that worse than hitting?

[lechepatito]

I'm sorry it's so stressful for you! In terms of prevention, I would try to limit your time with those who are criticizing you and your kids - eat when they're watching tv, eat a "picnic" in the living room when they're in the kitchen, etc. Make sure to have special alone time with your kids to keep their cups full and help them recharge - a snuggle or tickle game or quiet storytelling in the bedroom can help smooth over those rough spots, you know? Try to get out of the house every day, even if you're just blowing bubbles in the driveway or doing a winter nature walk - something that doesn't involve added stress like getting in the carseat or the overstimulation of a restaurant. When my ILs were here over the holidays, every day the kids and I spent an hour outside walking to the park - partly because I knew they wouldn't come with us (They're wonderful, but we all get a little stir crazy sometimes.)

To handle the criticism, instead of defending yourself, it would probably be better to offer bean dip and refuse to discuss it:

http://morejo.blog-city.com/a_seasonal_re_write.htm

Hang in there!

[gaialice]

Thank you for all your encouragement. We are back home now and more relaxed. I think Nay you are right, the problem really is that I feel that these visits are like a test and I feel like I fail when the kids do not behave.... Sigh... MissRuby and Elizabeth you are so right instead of defending my parenting choices I should just keep my mind on destressing... It is not easy... the kids just do not want to go outside at all recently ....
P.S. I loved the bean dip advice! I should have read that before the holidays!!

[Mamma Mia]

I'm so sorry. Knowing that they are all judging you can make it so much more stressful- and make you so much more likely to lose your cool. I too feel as though it's a test because I'm different from everyone else. Usually I pass- my child is overall more confident, less aggressive, able to communicate better, and more assertive than my relatives' children. I think that a lot of that has to do with temperment and some has to do with our parenting style. My child is hell on wheels at a store but a delight at a family gathering.

Is there any way to help your kids get more sleep? What about you? Can you all get away together for a little bit to reconnect and de-stress together?

Also, your brother (in law?) was way out of line to criticize your parenting. For one, it's none of his business, but to do it in front of your kids was not only out of line but seriously disrespectful and undermining. What he did was more wrong than you losing your cool for a minute in the kitchen.

You have all my sympathy, mamma. This is a tough situation.

[gaialice]

Thanks again. I think I need to talk to my brother, calmly, about what happened. However, there is no doubt in my mind that I attract that criticism .... I think that because I question myself everyday to try and improve my parenting people think I can take any advice...