Back...again. I just keep coming back and reading and re-reading all the wonderful ideas and much needed hugs everyone has given. I have given a little thought to the overstimulation factor. Ds has always been high needs, some of you may remember my struggles with him as a little babe. He has always needed much transition time and he doesn't learn with "traditional" methods...he's very much a tactile, hands-on type of kid. I have written down the incident, including my thoughts and feelings as coherently as possible and will just pass the paper over to the therapist on Thursday.
He seems calm this morning. He had trouble transitioning to sleep last night, not surprisingly.....and so didn't end up falling asleep until just about ten. That made getting up this morning for school much more difficult than usual, but I was able to use humor to get him moving and he's now at school. He seems almost subdued, quiet, introverted, which isn't his personality at all....so we'll see where the day goes. I did encourage eggs and whole wheat toast for breakfast this morning as well. (usually, I jsut let him choose what he wants, pancakes, waffles, french toast, etc...but they are all carbs, and I felt he needed the protein)
A lot of my shock and emotions last night were of the "what did I do wrong?" "How could I let this happen?" type....I try so hard, as all of you know, to meet the needs of my children, most of the time, at the sacrifice of my own needs....I hear constantly that "You can't take care of the kids unless you take care of yourself" and under normal circumstances, I believe that to be true....however, I am a 34 year old adult. They are 7 and 3 and 2. They do not understand everything that has transpired in this family over the last six months, nor do I want them to......My needs *must* come secondary to theirs, at least for now. And to feel like I've been giving and giving and sacrificing for their benefit only to have him tell me "I hate you, you stupid, stupid woman, I wish you were dead."
. What did I do? What could I have done differently?
I *know* rationally, that it was his anger....thanks again Kamilla's dh...He was trying to feel in control of himself and me....and trying to manipulate me isnt' something new for this child....in fact, we had a conversation the other night about how mom hates to be manipulated. so he wanted to make me feel bad. Well, he succeeded. Rational thought doesn't factor in when your child says that. It's all emotion. and it hurts. Whether he meant it or not, those words, more than the physical attack, will be bouncing around in my head for the rest of my life.
So, obviously, I'm still processing. I need to call the therapist. I need to call the library. With much love, thank you all.