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My cry for help... - Page 4

post #61 of 103
I too don't have any advise for your situation but I wanted to offer my support and thoughts.
post #62 of 103
I'm so sorry, I have a sometimes violent son, he has been informally Dx with youth onset bipolar. If that is so, he will need meds (I have alot of experience w/ bipolar---it''s in my family) BTW, when i talk about meds, i'm talking about my own son.

When my own son is violent, it is usually towards himself/his stuff, etc,,,but he does tell me that he hates me and wishes i was dead among other things. I don't know if that helps, Hugs to you as you go through this startling situation....Blessings to you and your family
post #63 of 103
Originally Posted by amj'smommy
I too don't have any advise for your situation but I wanted to offer my support and thoughts.

I wish you peace and love while you are trying to figure out what is going on and get the best solution. I have absolutely no experience with this so would not feel comfortable giving suggestions. I got similar when I was little, but not to the point of being mean, just uncontrollable tantruming. (For me it was red food coloring.)
post #64 of 103
Originally Posted by A&A
He was absolutely WRONG (obviously!) but I think you were also wrong to take away/threaten to take away something he enjoys so much.......hockey. Boys really need a physical outlet for their energy.
I can't believe you are criticizing her (whether you thought you were being helpful or not), but whatever. Wouldn't this send a message to him that his behavior was somehow okay? FWIW, the mama did a fantastic job in a very nasty situation and I don't think she needs this comment on top of everything.
post #65 of 103
So much great advice here..

Hugs to you mama, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!!

You did a GREAT job dealing with the situation at hand.

Blessings to you
post #66 of 103
Wanted to add; I think you did the right thing in turn around and going right back home.

With a normal "tantrum" you can usually just go on with the day once a child calms down. But if a person - at age 7 or 13 or 43 - is in danger of hurting themselves, hurting someone else, or doing serious property damage, their day should really "shut down".

He may not have been able to handle being at the rink right after that ouburst.

Children need a different kind of structure and attention after that kind of outburst. They also need to understand that they can not continue with their typical day if they put themselves and others into that kind of danger.

For normal tantrums, then yes - you can usually just move on. But children who are violent are often afraid of their own aggression. They feel safest when they know that the adults in their lives will contain them.
post #67 of 103
Hugs to you, APmom. I second looking into sensory issues.
Both me and ds have sensory issues and I have reacted very badly when overwhelmed with background noise.
My son is being evaluated right now but, unfortunately, I don't think many of his sensory issues came up while being seen by the autism spectrum doc.

Just wanted to offer some positive, loving energy to you and your ds.
I really hope things start getting better for you and your family.
post #68 of 103
First off hugs to you and your little ones. That must have been very difficult for all of you!

My first thought (I did not read through so this may have been mentioned) is that he gets over stimulated easily. I do and a lot of noise can get really overwhelming for me if I am trying to talk. This can make me very frustrated, so I will leave the area for a bit. This is how I handle it. Maybe your sone has some sensory issues as well and could not escape the noise in the car and did not know how to control his feelings. Just my thoughts!
post #69 of 103
s mama. This sounds so difficult - I'm sorry.
post #70 of 103
Thread Starter 
So, it's morning, and I'm reading and thinking with a clearer mind. Again, I can't thank all of you enough for your support and suggestions and ideas.

Some things that have jumped out at me, and please forgive me if I don't get a user name correct, a LOT of wonderful advise here and I don't want to offend anyone. First, for those that suggested more time with me, I *know* this is what he needs from me and I am doing my best to get it for him...but with dh gone, it's hard to get time alone with any of them. I did take him to go see Narnia on Friday night and he loved it. Food issues is something that I had considered, as far as sugar goes. I hadn't really thought about looking into dyes, etc....so that's definitely something I'm going to look at more closely. Kamilla's dh, thank you for the reminder that he's dealing the best way he can at this moment. I needed to hear that....it was so overwhelming and something I told dh but didn't mention here....it took every single ounce of self control I had at that moment not to just hit him as hard as I could. : I know, looking back, it was my own "Fight or Flight" instinct kicking in, and as Janis (?) said about driving off and leaving him on the side of the road...It did cross my mind, "That'll teach him" mentality. Which I hate to even remember, much less admit. But, of course, it got dismissed as quickly as it was there. I *wanted* to hit him....to hit him back. To make him stop.

Red, thank you for your thoughts. I know that I have had many people comment, discuss, or just plain at ds' behavior before. He always has had a hot temper, it's been a running joke in our house that while he looks like his father, his personality is so like mine, it's scary....right down to the terrible temper. I look forward to discussing your experiences with you further.

I know there's more I need to say, but dd is sitting at my elbow saying "I want breakfast, I want breakfast,..." so I'm off for now. Oh, and thanks for the reminder to process with the girls. I did talk to 3yr old last night, but now is my chance with 2 yr old. Be back with more later.
post #71 of 103
for you, hon.

You have had much good advice here, and I can't add to that. The experience that I can relate is that of a child at my DD's preschool. He is about 3.5 and is a very sweet child in general. I *know* him to be raised by parents who are very much AP and whom have done the "right things" for him in his young life. In spite of it all, I have personally seen this child launch himself in attack on a couple of separate occasions at other children, screaming and hitting them. The one common thread that I see is that the father is often gone from home. He is a professional musician and frequently on the road. Just like with your DH being gone, there isn't *really* anything that anyone can do about it. It is what it is. They try to find the best ways to cope with it that they can, and are very successful...but sometimes the anger explosions squeak out the edges anyway.

As I'm sure everyone here has the same thoughts at heart, I'm not trying to diagnose your DS or situation by any means. Just trying to relate different experiences that we have had that *might* relate to your situation. You can decide if they resonate with you and your family.

PS: Kamilla's DH....you have put into words for me something my inner child has known for years, but I haven't been able to see in such a simple, straightforward manner. Thank you more than you know for the reminder about anger being a momentary attempt to grab power and control.
post #72 of 103
what has been the assessment of the therapist he is now seeing?
have meds been recommended? not that i'm for meds but i'm interested on his/her take on it.
and I love mikes hard lemonade................a hard mike is good to find!
post #73 of 103
Oh, my heart goes out to you, Mama. ElderSon was much like your boy, to the point of a psychiatric hospitalization at age 10. Somehow we got throught the intervening years, and he is now in the Army, and seems to be thriving on the structure and discipline that this hippie, pacifist Mama could not give. I didn't mean to say your son should join the army, hope it didn't sound like that. What I meant was that there is a niche in this world for everyone, where they can be their best. Finding it is the trick, I suppose. And getting through the day is a worthwhile goal. I remember being overwhelmed by the situation, partly because it was rough in the here-and-now, but also because I was so worried about how this young man would ever find a place in the world. My advice to you is feeble, and not much help, but here goes: One Day at a Time. Keep looking for answers and solutions (many of the above are great), but remember to reward yourself at the end of each day that you and your family have survived. Keeping yourself and your kids safe might be all you can hope for, until therapy, diet, or whatever starts to work its magic. Give yourself a break whenever you can, even if it is only a soak in a hot bath after everyone's asleep. You have earned it; you deserve it!
post #74 of 103
Thread Starter 
Back...again. I just keep coming back and reading and re-reading all the wonderful ideas and much needed hugs everyone has given. I have given a little thought to the overstimulation factor. Ds has always been high needs, some of you may remember my struggles with him as a little babe. He has always needed much transition time and he doesn't learn with "traditional" methods...he's very much a tactile, hands-on type of kid. I have written down the incident, including my thoughts and feelings as coherently as possible and will just pass the paper over to the therapist on Thursday.

He seems calm this morning. He had trouble transitioning to sleep last night, not surprisingly.....and so didn't end up falling asleep until just about ten. That made getting up this morning for school much more difficult than usual, but I was able to use humor to get him moving and he's now at school. He seems almost subdued, quiet, introverted, which isn't his personality at all....so we'll see where the day goes. I did encourage eggs and whole wheat toast for breakfast this morning as well. (usually, I jsut let him choose what he wants, pancakes, waffles, french toast, etc...but they are all carbs, and I felt he needed the protein)

A lot of my shock and emotions last night were of the "what did I do wrong?" "How could I let this happen?" type....I try so hard, as all of you know, to meet the needs of my children, most of the time, at the sacrifice of my own needs....I hear constantly that "You can't take care of the kids unless you take care of yourself" and under normal circumstances, I believe that to be true....however, I am a 34 year old adult. They are 7 and 3 and 2. They do not understand everything that has transpired in this family over the last six months, nor do I want them to......My needs *must* come secondary to theirs, at least for now. And to feel like I've been giving and giving and sacrificing for their benefit only to have him tell me "I hate you, you stupid, stupid woman, I wish you were dead." . What did I do? What could I have done differently?

I *know* rationally, that it was his anger....thanks again Kamilla's dh...He was trying to feel in control of himself and me....and trying to manipulate me isnt' something new for this child....in fact, we had a conversation the other night about how mom hates to be manipulated. so he wanted to make me feel bad. Well, he succeeded. Rational thought doesn't factor in when your child says that. It's all emotion. and it hurts. Whether he meant it or not, those words, more than the physical attack, will be bouncing around in my head for the rest of my life.

So, obviously, I'm still processing. I need to call the therapist. I need to call the library. With much love, thank you all.
post #75 of 103
I want you to know I am thinking of you and that you are very intelligent and brave to reach out for help. I do not have any wisdom to share, but I believe that your DS may not be getting the type of help he needs. The tantrum and physical anger may be a cry out that he needs something more or someone different (counselor, psychologist, etc.). Please keep us posted and lean on us for support.

post #76 of 103
2: : Im sorry
post #77 of 103
Originally Posted by APMom98
Ds has always been high needs, some of you may remember my struggles with him as a little babe. He has always needed much transition time and he doesn't learn with "traditional" methods...he's very much a tactile, hands-on type of kid.
APMom your ds sounds just like mine, tho he's not yet four years old.

I did encourage eggs and whole wheat toast for breakfast this morning as well. (usually, I jsut let him choose what he wants, pancakes, waffles, french toast, etc...but they are all carbs, and I felt he needed the protein)
I find that my ds is much calmer and happier when he eats more protein and less carbs. Our problem is that he is very picky and won't eat a great variety of foods. I'm lucky to get protein into him, but when I do, he is less likely to have major tantrums. And I mean out of control tantrums where he is trying to beat me up and tells me he doesn't like me. So, I try to focus on proteins and if we do have carbs, the least processed as possible. And I try to avoid most packaged foods (altho I don't make pasta). And, we eat rice or potato pasta or crackers or bread. We don't eat wheat. Removing wheat has made a huge difference in ds' behavior.

Over the holidays I made a lot of concessions in his diet - he had wheat products and candy and desserts that surely had corn syrup and food coloring, and he had packaged foods that had a lot of salt or msg in them, and tons of sugar. His sleep was HORRIBLE and his behavior even worse. We've been detoxing him the past couple of days and already he is getting better.

I think food has a lot to do with behavior, but also I am thinking that with a sensitive child it is so challenging bc you have to remember to listen harder or be more in tune with the child and his/her greater needs. I often tell my ds that I am listening to him and stop and look him in the eye, or pull him onto my lap, even tho it's obvious (at least to me) that I am listening, bc I really want him to know that I am getting his message.

You are doing a great job! It is so hard. And you have three kids on your own. I wish I could offer more ideas, but so many people here have posted so many great things for you. Stay strong and know that you are a great mama!!

post #78 of 103
Oh Mama.

You responded so well, both during the incident and afterwards. I don't have a child that old, but when my best friend's son was that age (he's 11 now) he was a pretty good kid most of the time, then he'd have these rages where he'd either fly off the handle externally at her physically, or at himself, emotionally. Therapy kicked up to 2-3x/week (it had been 1x every other week) and he started spending 1 on 1 time w/my dh (the only male role model in his life at that time. Can your brother (that's who you called, right?) spend some time w/him doing physical, non-violent stuff? Instead of hockey, could they rake leaves or pound nails into stuff? Dh and bf's son also went on long hikes. Basically physically demanding things where if they "happened" to talk during their time, the focus wasn't on the talking.

One more thing, as time goes on, don't look at the incident w/rosey glasses. Please don't beat yourself up over it, but remember how serious it was so that you keep looking for answers to make it better.

You did great Mama. Your son is lucky to have you. Kudos for overcoming that initial reaction to being hurt and using your higher level brain in a situation that was certainely not operating at a higher level.

post #79 of 103
You've gotten a lot of great advice. ITA with Kamilla's dh and I think you handled the situation well.
I also wanted to say when I was 8 years old my parents were getting divorced and I became very angry and violent towards my mom. I would yell things like "I hate you I wish you were dead. I wish I had a different mom" etc at her. I think at the time I felt very frustrated like all these changes were happening that no one was asking my opinion of or letting me know what was really going on. I also felt like the divorce was my mom's fault.

I just wanted to possibly give you some perspective into an 8 year old's mind.
post #80 of 103
to you mama Lots of good advice here by knowledgable mamas
peace to you and ds today
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