Hi,
I've posted here before about myolder dd biting her younger sister, as it was a problem from the time dd2 was born. Well by about 9 or 10 months it had really slowed, though it does occasionally happen. It's been replaced with another type of 'problem': she is constantly picking up dd2, trying to carry her, sometimes she drops her or pushes her, but most of the time she just wants to drag her around. I hear an echo in my head saying that 'kids will pick up kids', but dd2 usually gets hurt or cries. (She can walk now, she was walking at 9 months, and she can get around fine by herself)
I started off trying to be positive; 'well at least she's not biting, at least she's trying to interact positively with dd2, the motive is better', and at the same time there was an increase in the two of them playing together and having fun (they've invented this great game where the scream back and forth, matching each others' sounds - it drives me up the wall...)
However, dd2 almost always (about 99% of the time) gets hurt and/or cries. And on yet another hand, we've been noticing lately that it seems like dd2 is over-sensitive to her sister; sometimes dd1 will do something like a hug that looked very gentle, or some type of contact that looks like it was doubtfully hurtful at all, and dd2 will still cry and scream. My mom says she thinks dd2 does it cuz she's learned to get our attention that way (we cuddle her when her sister hurts her), but I don't like that take on it.
I've considered trying to teach dd1 a better way to pick up her sister, but I don't know if she can, she's only 3 and a bit. So literally dozens (feels like hundreds) of times a day, every day, we tell her not to pick up her sister. Dh and I both get so angry about this we have, shamefully, ended up doing a lot of yelling, because she just *won't* listen. We can tell her not to, and then 10 seconds later she's doing it again. Sometimes she picks her up around the neck.
I need a gentle approach to this that is effective and need to help dh and I stop the yelling. We have also done timeouts for it, mostly to give dd2 a break from being accosted, though her unrelenting devotion to her sister is very inspiring. I am trying to stick to Alfie Kohn's principles of Unconditional Parenting, so the timeout are something we've been trying to phase out, but in a day when it feeld like I've been constantly repeating myself on this issue, I reach a breaking point. I'm pretty sure the anger I feel has a lot to do with aggravation at dd1 for not obeying/listening, and I have identified some control issues that I have linked to my anger.
So, is it true? kids just pick each other up, and I shouldn't do anything about it? How do I deal with this issue?
Thanks so much
I've posted here before about myolder dd biting her younger sister, as it was a problem from the time dd2 was born. Well by about 9 or 10 months it had really slowed, though it does occasionally happen. It's been replaced with another type of 'problem': she is constantly picking up dd2, trying to carry her, sometimes she drops her or pushes her, but most of the time she just wants to drag her around. I hear an echo in my head saying that 'kids will pick up kids', but dd2 usually gets hurt or cries. (She can walk now, she was walking at 9 months, and she can get around fine by herself)
I started off trying to be positive; 'well at least she's not biting, at least she's trying to interact positively with dd2, the motive is better', and at the same time there was an increase in the two of them playing together and having fun (they've invented this great game where the scream back and forth, matching each others' sounds - it drives me up the wall...)
However, dd2 almost always (about 99% of the time) gets hurt and/or cries. And on yet another hand, we've been noticing lately that it seems like dd2 is over-sensitive to her sister; sometimes dd1 will do something like a hug that looked very gentle, or some type of contact that looks like it was doubtfully hurtful at all, and dd2 will still cry and scream. My mom says she thinks dd2 does it cuz she's learned to get our attention that way (we cuddle her when her sister hurts her), but I don't like that take on it.
I've considered trying to teach dd1 a better way to pick up her sister, but I don't know if she can, she's only 3 and a bit. So literally dozens (feels like hundreds) of times a day, every day, we tell her not to pick up her sister. Dh and I both get so angry about this we have, shamefully, ended up doing a lot of yelling, because she just *won't* listen. We can tell her not to, and then 10 seconds later she's doing it again. Sometimes she picks her up around the neck.
I need a gentle approach to this that is effective and need to help dh and I stop the yelling. We have also done timeouts for it, mostly to give dd2 a break from being accosted, though her unrelenting devotion to her sister is very inspiring. I am trying to stick to Alfie Kohn's principles of Unconditional Parenting, so the timeout are something we've been trying to phase out, but in a day when it feeld like I've been constantly repeating myself on this issue, I reach a breaking point. I'm pretty sure the anger I feel has a lot to do with aggravation at dd1 for not obeying/listening, and I have identified some control issues that I have linked to my anger.
So, is it true? kids just pick each other up, and I shouldn't do anything about it? How do I deal with this issue?
Thanks so much
