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the 1st Mrs. B.

post #1 of 53
Thread Starter 
SO and ex are in the tail end of their divorce....last night I asked SO if she was taking back her maiden name. He said this was not an issue that has come up.

I have a problem with it! am I crazy to let this bother me...I do not want to be the 2nd Mrs. B.!
post #2 of 53
I don't plan to return to my maiden name. I've had this name for almost 13 years, and I have no desire to change it. I obviously won't go by Mrs. HisFirstName LastName, but I will continue to be MyFirstName LastName. I want to keep the same last name as my kids.
post #3 of 53
DH's ex kept his name - primarily to have the same name as his kids. It really doesn't bother me. And our last name is very unique. I guess I've never really understood why 2nd wives think 1st wives should HAVE to change their names.
post #4 of 53
My mil divorced dh's dad about 35 years ago and she still carries her married name. One of my former graduate assistant was only married for 5 years and she also has no intentions of changing her name back.
post #5 of 53
Yup, I'm another who never took back my maiden name, and have no intentions of doing so.

It is the last name of my child, and I want to have the same last name as her, plain and simple. It is MY name, I was legally given it at marriage, and there's NO reason why anyone should be able to take it away from me.

My SO's ex also still has his last name, and to be honest, the ONLY way it would bother me, would be if she were to have another child and give that child 'her' (my SO's) last name... THAT would bother me...
post #6 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by nata0742
I have a problem with it! am I crazy to let this bother me...I do not want to be the 2nd Mrs. B.!
I also want to add, this isn't up to you, or your ex. And if it honestly bothers you that much, maybe you could keep your maiden name, or just really stop and think WHY it bothers you so much.

This is YOUR issue that you need to deal with, and hopefully, prior to actually getting married.
post #7 of 53
Thread Starter 
I guess becasue I would not want that tie anymore to him.......

I have my maiden - but then again I never took ex's to begin with - never felt it in my heart.....

yes - it is an issue with me - I have no problem in admitting it.......
post #8 of 53
I don't think you should let it bother you.

My last name is the same name as my husband's, but that doesn't mean it's "his" name. My name is my name, regardless of whether I was born with it or not.

Namaste!
post #9 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by nata0742
I guess becasue I would not want that tie anymore to him.......
I'm sorry, but you have to deal with it. He married her, and she took his name. It's now HER name. That's it.

I'm sorry if you have issues to deal with regarding marrying a previously married man, but maybe it's time to talk to a counselor or someone about it if it's really gonna bug you this much...
post #10 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
I'm sorry, but you have to deal with it. He married her, and she took his name. It's now HER name. That's it.

I'm sorry if you have issues to deal with regarding marrying a previously married man, but maybe it's time to talk to a counselor or someone about it if it's really gonna bug you this much...
:
post #11 of 53
Thread Starter 
really no need to discuss with a councler - a name is just a name......the only name I see as mine is the name I was given at birth....any other would be an aquired name but I do not need to take a name to simbolize my love for him....
post #12 of 53
Oh and I don't know about anyone else, but after the divorce, I stopped using 'Mrs', I'm not a 'Mrs' anymore...


Quote:
the only name I see as mine is the name I was given at birth....any other would be an aquired name but I do not need to take a name to simbolize my love for him....
I can see you're getting defensive. And you're right, noone NEEDS to take a name, but it's obviously a BIG DEAL to you, or this wouldn't even be a thread... So, I really would consider talking to someone about this...

You also cannot push your belief of the 'acquired name' on anyone else. I fully believe MY name is MY name regardless of how I got it.

When my SO adopts my daughter and she gets his name, that will be HER name, not 'acquired', make sense?
post #13 of 53
Thread Starter 
I asked the name issue on another board....so far got two answers to the question:
married name : "your" name or "married" name (aquired)

one person considers it her name another considers it her aquired married name but would not change it becasue of the paperwork involved....

it really is how each person sees it - and I was not pushing it on others - just my point of view on the name......
post #14 of 53
Thread Starter 
my mom has been seperated from my dad for ever and a half! and she socially goes by her maiden name......
post #15 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by nata0742
it really is how each person sees it - and I was not pushing it on others - just my point of view on the name......
I never said you were trying to push it on us, I don't think you are at all. But I DO think you want to push it on your SO's ex. You seem to want control over HER name, and quite frankly, that's silly!!

You need to work on getting over this, and deal with this. Instead of worrying so much about what name another grown woman decides to use.
post #16 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by nata0742
my mom has been seperated from my dad for ever and a half! and she socially goes by her maiden name......
And that's what SHE chose, but that's not what every woman chooses. MOST that I've ever known have used their married names, and the ones I know personally who used their maiden, NEVER took their husbands name..

You really should consider talking to someone about this. If it is, indeed JUST A NAME, you shouldn't be this worked up or this defensive about it..
post #17 of 53
I'm wondering if what's REALLY bothering you is the fact that you will be his SECOND wife. Seriously, whether she keeps the name or not, you will ALWAYS be the 'second Mrs B'... You really should talk to someone and deal with these feelings prior to marriage....
post #18 of 53
Thread Starter 
being his second wife does not bother me - he will be my second husband...we each had no love coming from our previous spouses so this is a new feeling for both - a feeling of love and respect for the other as an individual....

I just asked him about that last night and he did not know but would ask her what her intentions are - I think it would just stir things up again...she has been nothing but a pain through this when she saw him moving on with his life...but now she is dating and has been "easy" to deal with except now she had declaired war on me telling him she will not permit the kids to be close to me...that she will not allow them to visit during summer vacation becasue he would be working and they would be in my care.....

I know I can't impose myself to ask her to change it......and I wont - but it bothers me since she has only made it dificult for him...
post #19 of 53
I just don't understand what her keeping HER name has to do with ANY of that? She'd probably still be a pain in the ass no matter WHAT her name was. It's her name, she's had it for a while (I don't know how long), and is on ALL of her mail, ALL of her accounts, on EVERYTHING associated with HER.

I don't understand what a SIMPLE NAME has to do with any of those things that were bothering you. I don't see any reason why your SO should even bring it up to her, unless HE wants to stir up trouble... It's HER right to keep HER name, and that's that.
post #20 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by nata0742
being his second wife does not bother me - he will be my second husband...we each had no love coming from our previous spouses so this is a new feeling for both - a feeling of love and respect for the other as an individual....


declaired war on me telling him she will not permit the kids to be close to me...that she will not allow them to visit during summer vacation becasue he would be working and they would be in my care.....

I know I can't impose myself to ask her to change it......and I wont - but it bothers me since she has only made it dificult for him...

Okay, first, you do sound like you have a problem with someone else having your SO's name. You should work on that before you get married to him. Like it or not, she was his first wife, AND mama to his babies.

Also, I would have a huge problem sending the kids to go stay with dad while he worked and his SO was taking care of them. Most divorces/custody agreements have a line about first refusal. That mom/dad gets first refusal of doing childcare while the other is working/whatever. She can and will likely use that to keep the kids home. Unless your SO can take a huge chunk of time off this summer, be prepared to deal with this.
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