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the 1st Mrs. B. - Page 2

post #21 of 53
I am sorry you are going through some emotionally charged stuff right now.

: for you and your family.

How many children does he have? Do you have any children?
post #22 of 53
Sounds like you are really frustrated right now.

I know for me, when my DH's ex is being difficult, I tend to get really irritated with EVERYthing about her, even if it's not important stuff. I try to catch myself in that mindset, check myself, and then move on to more important matters.

In this case, it is her name, she shares it with her children, and it makes perfect sense that she would want to keep it. For your sake, I hope you can focus on what is really bothering you (sounds like there is plenty) and let this one go.
post #23 of 53
I have to admit, that if my ex called me to ask if I was going to change my name or not, I'd likely be pissed at him and tell him it's none of his business. Because, it isn't.

Sure, I took his last name when we married, but I am not the ONLY person on the Earth with that name and I no longer associate my name with him in any way, shape, or form. I don't think it's a "tie to him" or anything about our former life, except for the fact that it is the same name as my children, and for some reason, that means something to me right now.

The biggest reason I keep it is because of the kids. The other reason I keep it is because of the hassle of changing every single thing. I don't even associate it with my ex at all. We have a clear separation of lives now and it is simply, the name of my children and the name I have been using for more than 10 years.

Another point: If your SO's ex has a problem with you....if she finds out that the name thing bugs you....she will likely use that as a weapon against you.
post #24 of 53
Personally, I wouldn't want to keep my married name if I were no longer married. But...I would want the same last name as my children. So, that's a tough one. I agree w/you but I understand why she's doing it. Besides, aren't you going to keep your first name or hyphenate?


btw...guess who
post #25 of 53
Are there any other Mrs. B's? His mom, his brothers wife? A sister who didn't change her name?

If it bothers you, it bothers you....but you asked if you were crazy to let it bother you. I don't think you're crazy to let it bother you, but I DO think you should do what you need to accept it and get over it.
post #26 of 53
I made a post about this, some time ago. It really irked me then. But now, I still don't *like* it, but I just deal with it and let it go. Actually now, thinking about it, I think the ex will have a fit, if I have HER last name..LOL! Here is the link to mine..
my thread
post #27 of 53
I know things like this can get under our skin, but try to put it in the background. There will always be things like this in this situation--if you've signed on for it, then unfortunately it's part of the deal.

My spouse's ex has the same first initial as me, and she changed her email name to "firstinitial-lastname-1". Grrr...am I supposed to be "firstinitial-lastname-2"?

My MIL uses a silver napkin ring that was engraved with her initials at my place setting on holidays.

It goes on and on...just try not to let anyone get more space in your head than they deserve!! Very challenging...
post #28 of 53
Quote:
My MIL uses a silver napkin ring that was engraved with her initials at my place setting on holidays.
OMG!!! Now THAT would REALLY make me mad! Seems like she would honor you as a part of the family and have one made for you, and put away the old one or toss it, something. Although I'd probably say something to your dh and not her, and let him bring it to her attention.
Oh and the first initial thing is where I'll be at too. His family or anyone who knows us both always says 'who' when dp is talking about me or his ex cause our names sound pretty similiar. They both start with a 'k' and end with a long 'e' sound.
post #29 of 53
I do think it is weird when exwives keep the last name. I know that if I divorced dh there is no way in heck I'd keep his last name. Then he'd have this tribe of women out there bearing his last name. I have been married for almost 6 years and I still don't feel like it is my "real" last name. Just the name I use legally. I don't understand this "keeping it for the kids" especially when in our case the ex is living with a new guy, has two kids with him, and those kids, have the other guys last name. What is especially weird in our case, is that dh believes that she never legally changed it to his name anyway.

I find it annoying that the ex still has dh's name, but oh, well. I didn't need to go to consuling over it. Just one of those many annoyances of being a second wife.

I don't think it is a hassle to change your name again anymore than it was to change my name to dh's the first time. It must happen with some frequency since on dh's divorce papers there is just a box to check to restore the wive's name, though no one cared to do it at the time.

Birthmomstepmom, I am confused. You keep your ex's name because it is your daughter's name, but your daughter is changing her name when she gets adopted by your dh? Sorry if I didn't read that closely enough.

OP, I don't think you are crazy for having these feelings. Just decide if it is worth it to bring it up, might get ugly.
post #30 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flor
Birthmomstepmom, I am confused. You keep your ex's name because it is your daughter's name, but your daughter is changing her name when she gets adopted by your dh? Sorry if I didn't read that closely enough.
I'm not married now. I *never* said I was. And when I do get married, I will not be changing my last name, until my DD can change hers as well. We will continue to have the same last name until she decides to marry.

It's important to me to have her last name. Her 'biodad' is NOT in the picture at all, and any and ALL relatives live 3000 miles away. I feel to keep things less confusing, her and I need to share our name.
post #31 of 53
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katt2005
I made a post about this, some time ago. It really irked me then. But now, I still don't *like* it, but I just deal with it and let it go. Actually now, thinking about it, I think the ex will have a fit, if I have HER last name..LOL! Here is the link to mine..
my thread
my point exactly - the ex is in a relationship now and SO thinks that within a year - she will be married.....and take his name....you have a point.......
post #32 of 53
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BusyMommy
Personally, I wouldn't want to keep my married name if I were no longer married. But...I would want the same last name as my children. So, that's a tough one. I agree w/you but I understand why she's doing it. Besides, aren't you going to keep your first name or hyphenate?


btw...guess who
yea - we have enough last names - LOL

I would take his or our son's wich is a hyphanated him-mine......but after the "discussion" we had the other night - I am thinking of just keeping mine! what the heck! big deal - lets all have different last names..."a last name does not make a family - love between the people makes a family" so Once my mother's divorce goes through....we can officially add her maiden name to our mailbox - LOL
post #33 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by nata0742
I just asked him about that last night and he did not know but would ask her what her intentions are - I think it would just stir things up again...she has been nothing but a pain through this when she saw him moving on with his life...but now she is dating and has been "easy" to deal with except now she had declaired war on me telling him she will not permit the kids to be close to me...that she will not allow them to visit during summer vacation becasue he would be working and they would be in my care.....

...
I wouldn't worry too much. Lots of mean things are said but things like this aren't just up to her. Your SO has rights, too. The ex in our world says things like this too, then her lawyer calms her down and we move on . I was still thinking about this issue when I went to be last night. I think some of it is cultural. My family is mexican and in Mexico, women don't change their names, they just add their husbands name to their name. The children have both and use them both quite frequnetly. I see my dh's name as on I have added to my name. I still have credit cards with my maiden name on them, I use both names. So, it amazes me that the ex still wants dh's name, but we are coming from different perspectives.

The students I teach, most have at least on parent with a different last name (most are Mexican, and the women are using their names or unmarried parents, or divorced). It is really not strange at all for kids to have a different last name, I don't understand the issue.
post #34 of 53
Our dp's ex's sure can be annoying, can't they?

Here's what my dh's ex did.
When she got remarried, a couple years after their divorce, the twins were probably about6 or 7 years old, she just started using her new h's last name for the twins too. Like when she registared them for school (yup, all their school records all the way through high school, have the wrong last name)

She didn't do it legally at all. Never asked dh if she could. Her new h didn't try to adopt them. She just put the wrong last name on everything regarding her and my dh's kids, for years.

The twins are 25 now and are still having problems getting legal records and stuff like that because the official records show a different last name then what is their legal name.
post #35 of 53
It bothered me to learn that dh's ex who initiated the divorce (all 'news' to my dh at the time) and who was in a relationship with the man she cheated on him with... decided she'd keep her married name. :

I didn't want dh's last name anyway and opted to keep my last name but I did hyphenate at least on my marriage license. I did give our son dh's last name, without any hyphen.

For whatever reasons I have stuck in my little head, I just don't care much for the idea of taking a guy's name... I especially don't care for how some men have a whole gaggle of women out there with their last name... Like my aunt's previous now deceased husband. He had 5 exwives!

Since I'm not qualified to give an opinion from the ex's standpoint, I will just take considerations from the PPs points of view.

The ex is engaged to the same man from above and I figure she'll take his last name when they get married. I still doubt I'll be wanting to change mine...
post #36 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by yoyo65
Our dp's partners sure can be annoying, can't they?

Here's what my dh's ex did.
When she got remarried, a couple years after their divorce, the twins were probably about6 or 7 years old, she just started using her new h's last name for the twins too. Like when she registared them for school (yup, all their school records all the way through high school, have the wrong last name)

She didn't do it legally at all. Never asked dh if she could. Her new h didn't try to adopt them. She just put the wrong last name on everything regarding her and my dh's kids, for years.

The twins are 25 now and are still having problems getting legal records and stuff like that because the official records show a different last name then what is their legal name.
To be honest....I do not totally disagree with this

What if that is what the boys wanted?

This was me when I was little....I was the only one with a different last name. It made me very self conscious. My bio dad would not allow me to switch it.

Finally at age 19, I was adopted by my step dad. I had already used his last name on everything since age 8. It made me feel like I belonged.
post #37 of 53
Quote:
I don't see any reason why your SO should even bring it up to her, unless HE wants to stir up trouble... It's HER right to keep HER name, and that's that.
Not really, the name was aquired through the marriage, and he can fight her on it if he chooses. He may not win, but he can fight it. And I really don't think the pp needs counseling to deal with this. If she said, she didn't want to marry him, if the ex kept his name, I could see suggesting counseling to deal with the issue, but she didn't. She said it bothered her. It bothered me, and I dealt with it, without seeking professional help. It just took time. And reading through this thread, and the one I linked, she and I are not the only ones who have felt like this. So I think repeatedly telling her to seek counseling, is jumping the gun, just a bit.
post #38 of 53
Seriously, you are telling a woman that she needs counseling because she doesn't like the idea of having the same name of the woman that caused her SO grief? I think that's a bit harsh....

When DH and I first got together, he was still married to his ex as well. Only because, at the time, neither one of them could afford a divorce... When he finally did get the divorce, it bothered me a little that when we would get married, I would have the same last name as her... was it something I would leave him over? Of course not, but it did bother me a little... then I realized that she was really only keeping her name because the kids have it and really, it's just a name. Her maiden name wouldn't make her any less his former wife.... everyone knew that I was the 2nd Mrs Y. and her changing her name wouldn't make that any less of a fact. What I have come to realize is that being the 2nd Mrs Y. just means that I was the one to succeed in keeping him, lol. And honestly, the only people that know I'm the 2nd Mrs Young generally call me Jeri so it's not really an issue... it's just a name and I do love sharing it with my husband and I will be happy the day she gets married and changes her last name... but then a whole other issue comes about when she tries to have the kid's change their name... cuz I'm sure she will.

But anyway, just try to let go of the anger for her. I know that's a hard thing to do but just remember you will be the new Mrs. B which just means you are the one that's tied to him, her name is just a left-over from a failed marriage... I highly doubt it's a name she's proud of, just easier to keep then change.
post #39 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee
To be honest....I do not totally disagree with this

What if that is what the boys wanted?

This was me when I was little....I was the only one with a different last name. It made me very self conscious. My bio dad would not allow me to switch it.

Finally at age 19, I was adopted by my step dad. I had already used his last name on everything since age 8. It made me feel like I belonged.
she didn't even ask the twins, she just did what she wanted. she just started using her new h's name (they divorced about 5 years ago) in place of their legally givin name. She never asked their daddy. Never took the legal route through the courts. It would have not been so bad, I would have understood , just to use the same last name for social situations, but she wouldn't use their legally givin name on legal papers (like school registration). Like I said, that act is STILL causing those two problems even into their adulthood. When my DSS joined to marines a few years ago, he had to go through a whole bunch of crap because his school records did not match his SSN and his birth certificate and such stuff. He also had a hard time emotionally for a while because he did not "know who he was".
Neither of them even liked the stepfather and tried to hang our at our house as much as they could. May have worked out in your situation, but this one it didn't.

I didn't take dh's last name when we got married. Not because of any ex issues, I wouldn't have a problem with that. My name would've been Shelly Kelly. I rather have my own last name.
post #40 of 53
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by yoyo65
My name would've been Shelly Kelly..
Julia Gulia...........

sorry bad humor!
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