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the 1st Mrs. B. - Page 3

post #41 of 53
I think counseling is in order because th OP is USING this issue to mask other issues (which she stated in one post, issues with the ex over children). THAT is why counseling is needed, not simply over a name...

I also belive the OP's got some issues with 'well, *I* did this and *MY MOM* did this, so it's WRONG for others to do it differently' attitude..

That won't get anyone far in life...
post #42 of 53
Thread Starter 
I never said I and MY and HER - you are the one accenting these words.

I stated she has made our relationship dificult but that just made me stand with him stronger and realize she has not moved on. ex has gone from never allowing any contact wioth me and not feeling confotable sending the kids to visit grandparents in florida and the ultimate best: a comment she made to SO "you took the right away from the kids to hate you, they should hate you for leaving them and having a new son" I think you would have issues with this person. none of this has made me love SO less...and we have stood strong together besides all her insults to me.....she is so hurt he left her originally, she started to brainwash him that the kids would be emotionally disturbed their whole lives if he did not go back home and fake a happy marriage with her......

I do not care, and for the 1.5 yrs SO and i have been together have not cared what she does....including when she called me a floozie from Vegas and that I was only with him becasue he was my lottery ticket (I work, I own my house, my car is paid off and I supply the happiest life I can for my children)
To me she seems that she has the emotional bagage....I have friends that have kept their married name and others who have returned to their maiden. I asked him what she planned on doing and he said he did not know but if it were imortant to me than he would ask her.....

it bothers me that someone who has developed such hatetred for someone would keep it. the comment about my mom is just an example that not all women see it as HER name (as you so capital letter put it) but that I am not the only person who sees nothing with taking back your original name.

I cannot remember - but what would you do if you marry? will you take your husband's name ans YOUR name? If not, then would you not feel like you are identified with your husband because you have different names? If explaining why your child and you have different names, would it not be dificult to explain to a mortgage broker that you are married but legaly have different names? Would you correct everyone that called and asked for Mrs. Husband that you are not Mrs Husband, but Ms Daughter.......

give me a break on the figer pointing...all I said was that I did not understand why she would not change it - not that I was irrate that she would keep it.

Why is this post hitting so close to home for you? Have you internalized how rude and accusive you sound to me to find the base of your reaction to a person you know nothing about or nothing about my relationship? Have you nothing better to do than to become so passionate about my mental well being and the life I am about to embrace?

I don't get it.

Thank you for those that understood where I was going with this post...even those that do not know me.
post #43 of 53
Thread Starter 
OMG - plus counceling was *suggested* before I mentioned her problem with me in regards to the kids or a problem with everything in general
post #44 of 53
I am keeping my married name. Mainy because it is DS's last name and also because it is a PITA to change my name back on all my credit cards, liscense, ss card, etc. I really don't have any extra money to do it either.

I can also give you a different perspective: I grew up with my father's last name. My mother and father were never married and my father left when I was 3. I spent my whole life with a different last name than my mother's and I always wished we had the same last name. My mother then married, took my step-dad's last name and they had my sister. So all three of them had the same last name and I had a different last name. Talk about feeling left out. It kind of bothered me when people assumed my last name was the same, or would call me by their last name. It contributed to my feelings of segregation.

I can defenitely see why someone would want to keep their married last name, especially when there are children involved. Don't take offense to it.
post #45 of 53
It is messy in many ways. So the ex kept dh's last name and it matches my dss's name. Great. But now she has another 2 kids with boyfriend and those kids have the guys last name. So keeping her name to match her kids' isn't happening. Maybe we have to believe that a name is a name and doesn't have to separate you from, or join you to anyone. And teach our kids that, too.
post #46 of 53
My mom and dad divorced and my mom kept her married name. Her rational - "it is my name."


I am married but didn't take my dh's name. Our children will be hislastname-mylastname. People choose the symbolism they find important. Symbols aren't teh thing themself - just a symbol. Me and dh have plunty of symbols of teh strnegth of our relationship (and we also have th relationship itself ). We have abosutely no problems with health insuraence or banks or anything. LOTS of women don't change their name when they marry so it isn't anything new.

Let this one go. It really is silly to get up in arms about what other people choose to call themselves. It is a very personal thing and everyone has different ideas and reasons for calling themself something or other.
post #47 of 53
Quote:
Maybe we have to believe that a name is a name and doesn't have to separate you from, or join you to anyone. And teach our kids that, too.
That is a GREAT way of thinking!
post #48 of 53

I can relate, the last name is a touchy subject

Okay, it's been a very long time since I've been on this website. Frankly, as if my own problems weren't enough, I found myself concerned and down right worried about everyone else's problems. I know, it probably sounds stupid, but I had to wean myself off this site just like getting off Dr. Pepper sodas.

Now about this post. I have three not so short, but very interesting, stories to tell. All very different.

1. My mom has kept her married name after leaving her husband 50 years ago. She had two children with him and wanted to keep their name (like most of you). She then had 3 more children out of wedlock and gave them her last name instead of their fathers. She has never liked to talk about it and would never answer any of my questions as to why she did that. It was so long ago (1950's and 1960's). She then had me & my sister by our father and gave us his last name. I had a real problem growing up with a different last name as my older siblings and mother. I didn't understand why she gave them her name but not me & my sister. It wasn't until I was older that I realized I was given the correct name, then the questions started. lol

To this day the three siblings that were given her first husband's last name are having an identity crisis. One brother wanted to change his name to his father's last name when he was an adult, but found out it was a lot of work for a man and he would have to explain why to a lot of people & didn't want to air dirty laundry.

2. My sister got a divorce 15 years ago. She kept her married name because it was her children's last name (common). She then had 3 more children with her live in boyfriend and they had their father's last name. Now those children question why mom has her ex husband's last name. It's been a little difficult on her.

3. My husband's ex kept his last name because of the children (again). I never had a problem with it because she wasn't married and it was her children's name. My problem came when she remarried and chose to keep my husband's last name instead. She had a new child with her new husband and wanted to give it my husband's (which is hers) last name. My husband threw a fit and threw it in her husband's face. He told him that this child will be confused as to who her father is and will have trouble tracing her family tree if something happend to her real dad when she was young. He finally put his foot down and insisted his last name be given to the child. The ex put her last name (my husband's) and a hyphen with the father's last name so that it can go by both and all her children will have the same last name.

My real problem started when the staff at the school were told by her to continue to refer to her as MRS. #$@#$#@. I explained that I am the MRS. @#$#@$ and she is the MS. #@$#@$. She then sent us an email and demanded that we call her MRS.@#$@#$#@. That is pushing it. I can see keeping your married name while you are single, or in rare cases like if you became a doctor after getting married, that you keep it after you remarry. But when you are married to another man and wanted to be called MRS. Exhusband's last name. I don't think so.
post #49 of 53
I'll make up names here. I have a friend who was born "Matt Cook" but he never knew his bio dad. When his mom remarried, the stepdad adopted him and he became Matt Jones. His stepdad left and Matt grew up Matt Jones. When he got older, he reconnected with his dad (Mr. Cook). When he married, his wife wanted to keep her last name since her brother had died. He loved her family so they were going to be called the Greens. His dad found out and freaked out and volunteered to pay to have the son's name restored to Matt Cook then they could hypenate Cook-Green. Matt had a baby and named it Jane Cook-Green (though his wife is still Green and he is still Jones). THEN, his biodad found out how much it costs for a man to change his name, and backed out! So they are:
Wife with last name Green,
Husband with last name Jones
and baby with last name Cook-Green.

They had another baby,too, but I haven't asked what her last name is.

This stuff is all so confusing and carries on into the next generation!
post #50 of 53
Can you imagine what it's going to be like for the grandchildren of this Matt guy? If they ever try to research their ancestry, they'll have a heck of a time.

Sometimes I wish I would have hyphenated my last name with my husband's. I really miss having the name I was given at birth. I've only been married for 2 1/2 years and I have a hard time. I feel like I'm talking about a stranger when I say my full name. It's like I'm a new person and I miss my old person.

Heaven forbid it would ever happen (knock on wood), but if I were to ever get a divorce, children or not, I will take back my birth name.
post #51 of 53

Understood

My husbands ex THANKFULLLLLLYYYYY took back her maiden name after their divorce. She planned a pregnancy (unmarried) and therefore the child took her name. So happy she had taken back her maiden name so the baby had HER name , NOT my DH's. He is from a different country and there aren't many names like his out there. I didn't want any confusion on who the father of her son was. :
post #52 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by nata0742
SO and ex are in the tail end of their divorce....last night I asked SO if she was taking back her maiden name. He said this was not an issue that has come up.

I have a problem with it! am I crazy to let this bother me...I do not want to be the 2nd Mrs. B.!

ooopss... i will add.......... You are NOT crazy !
post #53 of 53
Thread Starter 
[QUOTE=Flor]
Wife with last name Green,
Husband with last name Jones
and baby with last name Cook-Green.
[quote]

cute....

I have a friend in town - names changed:
DH Paul Jones, dad abandoned them
DW Maggie Smith (2nd marriage - restored maiden at divorce)
DD Aimee More (DH's mother's maiden name - they feel more More than Jones.....)

I dont think this kid will be any more confused than any oth the other scenareos presented....

we have to admit - we are different generation as of before and remarriage and multiple partners with children through a lifetime is not unheard of.

so when are we dropping this thread?
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