If you didn't know, my daughter's absent father committed suicide on Christmas eve.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=387218
I waited to tell her until yesterday because I wanted there to be some distance from Christmas so that she didn't have to have a strong association with the holidays and her father's death.
My dad and my very close friend, who's father died when she was in her teens (and who is an MDC member and the person who will be my daughter's guardian should anything ever happen to me), were there. With my daughter on my lap I told her, "Your dad got really, really sick and he died." She has this funny little "say what" kind of look that she gives, usually when I tell her something suprising and good. She gave me that look and then about five seconds later her eyes filled up with tears. She asked me how he got sick and I told her I wasn't exactly sure how.. that he just did. She asked me how I knew and I told her one of his friends called and told me. She then curled up in the fetal position on my lap, stuck two fingers in her mouth and started to cry. She stayed that way for a long, long time, just curled up in a ball, crying and sucking on her fingers. She never was a thumb or finger sucker so it was... I don't know.... I just held her close and rocked her and really didn't say anything. Then she popped her head up and declared that her nose was too stuffed to breathe. My dad went to ger her some tissues and she lept up and followed him and started jumping about and asking us to play a game. I was definitely thrown off... she went from devastated to raring to play games in less than a minute. So I asked her what she wanted to play and she told me she wanted to play a game with all the lights off. I asked her if we could wait for just a few minutes and she layed down on the rug on the floor and started crying again. I sat next to her and she said "Momma, everytime I breathe tears come out of my eyes and they won't stop." I told her, "I just told you some sad news and you're crying. Its okay. Perhaps you just need to cry right now." She insisted that she wasn't crying, that tears just came whenever she breathed. Then she stopped crying entirely and became adamant about playing. We played what basically amounts to animal charades for 45 minutes or so. Then she asked for some ice cream and wanted us all to eat ice cream. We went in the kitchen and my friend sat down with her. My dad and I stepped out of the room for a minute. While we were gone dd ask my friend how her dad died and she reiterated that he got very sick. My friend told her that her father also died when she was younger and that she was very sad and that she cried a lot and that she still felt sad somtimes when she thought about her dad. DD asked how my friend's dad died and she told her that he also got very sick. DD asked her how many people were with her when she cried when her dad died. My friend told her that sometimes there were many people and that sometimes there were only one or two people that she wanted to be around. DD then talked about what Native Americans do when someone dies, talking about one of the ceremonies she's heard of involving drums and chanting. My friend asked her if she'd like to do something like that for her dad, but dd insisted that only Native Americans can do that. Then she changed the subject. For the most part, the rest of the night was pretty normal. She played with her grandpa one on one for a while. Then he left, and that went smoother than I thought it might. My friend stayed for a bit longer while I read to dd and she left with very little protest. After they left, dd said her throat hurt really bad and that she wanted some medicine. She's maybe had Motrin 6 times in the 6 years she's been alive... I really try to avoid medicine, but I gave it to her last night. After she drank it, she asked if I had medicine when she was being born. I told her that I didn't. She said "Oh yeah, that's because I was born here at our home and daddy was the only one here." I told her we had been planning on a homebirth but decided while I was in labor to go to the hospital because we were worried she might be sick (she had severe mec aspiration). I told her that her dad and my midwife were the only people there (my amazing midwife made the NICU team stand outside the door). She started crying and insisting that she was born at home with just me and her daddy and that he was the only one who saw her born. I gently reiterated that she might've gotten the story a little mixed up but assured her that her dad did see her get born. She cried for a while and then said she wanted to go to bed. We walked to her room and she curled up in bed and started to fall asleep immediately.
She slept through the night and even slept in a bit today. There's a lot of sadness coming out today for her. We were doing an activity in this activity book wherein you fill in the blanks about what you did the day before. One of the sentences was "Yesterday I talked with _______ about _______." And she filled in with "mommy" about "daddy" and started to cry. She said that she didn't want to think about it or talk about it because it makes her cry and she hates crying. But she continued to talk and cry, of which I'm glad.. well, not glad.. but, you know. She said she's sad because her best friend and she used to be the exact same because they both had only mommies and both their daddies went away, but they're not the same anymore because her daddy is dead. She also said she thinks she will be sad forever and that she'll never be happy. She said she wishes there was a wishing star that actually worked. I asked her what some of her wishes were. She said that she wished her dad had been to our house and seen her room and played with her and now that would never happen. I'm amazed at the extent of her comprehension of what's happened and the finality of it. She cried a lot. I talked to her about it being a very sad thing and that it was very normal that she felt so sad. She said she doesn't want to feel sad. I talked to her about some of the things I do when I'm sad. I told her sometimes I just let myself feel sad because its important to hear your feelings. Sometimes I talk with my friends or my family about my feelings or sometimes just spend time with them. I told her sometimes I watch a good or funny movie or read a book or do something else I really enjoy, like a long hot shower or taking a walk or yoga. I asked her if she could think of anything like that for herself and she said she couldn't... that she was just going to be sad forever.
She also expressed anxiety about returning to Montessori next week because she's afraid she'll cry at school and that other kids will make fun of her.She said sometimes when kids cry, other kids call them babies and take "fake pictures" of them. I'll be sure to address this in detail with her teacher before she returns to school (she's on intercession right now till the 9th). She cried for a while and then , similiarly to last night, hopped up, said she was hungry and wanted to eat and watch some PBS. So that's what she's doing.
This is so very hard. I hate, hate, hate seeing her hurt so much. But I'm glad she's expressing herself and I'm glad she's able to break herself away from it too. All I can do is be there for her and love her and take her cues the best I can.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=387218
I waited to tell her until yesterday because I wanted there to be some distance from Christmas so that she didn't have to have a strong association with the holidays and her father's death.
My dad and my very close friend, who's father died when she was in her teens (and who is an MDC member and the person who will be my daughter's guardian should anything ever happen to me), were there. With my daughter on my lap I told her, "Your dad got really, really sick and he died." She has this funny little "say what" kind of look that she gives, usually when I tell her something suprising and good. She gave me that look and then about five seconds later her eyes filled up with tears. She asked me how he got sick and I told her I wasn't exactly sure how.. that he just did. She asked me how I knew and I told her one of his friends called and told me. She then curled up in the fetal position on my lap, stuck two fingers in her mouth and started to cry. She stayed that way for a long, long time, just curled up in a ball, crying and sucking on her fingers. She never was a thumb or finger sucker so it was... I don't know.... I just held her close and rocked her and really didn't say anything. Then she popped her head up and declared that her nose was too stuffed to breathe. My dad went to ger her some tissues and she lept up and followed him and started jumping about and asking us to play a game. I was definitely thrown off... she went from devastated to raring to play games in less than a minute. So I asked her what she wanted to play and she told me she wanted to play a game with all the lights off. I asked her if we could wait for just a few minutes and she layed down on the rug on the floor and started crying again. I sat next to her and she said "Momma, everytime I breathe tears come out of my eyes and they won't stop." I told her, "I just told you some sad news and you're crying. Its okay. Perhaps you just need to cry right now." She insisted that she wasn't crying, that tears just came whenever she breathed. Then she stopped crying entirely and became adamant about playing. We played what basically amounts to animal charades for 45 minutes or so. Then she asked for some ice cream and wanted us all to eat ice cream. We went in the kitchen and my friend sat down with her. My dad and I stepped out of the room for a minute. While we were gone dd ask my friend how her dad died and she reiterated that he got very sick. My friend told her that her father also died when she was younger and that she was very sad and that she cried a lot and that she still felt sad somtimes when she thought about her dad. DD asked how my friend's dad died and she told her that he also got very sick. DD asked her how many people were with her when she cried when her dad died. My friend told her that sometimes there were many people and that sometimes there were only one or two people that she wanted to be around. DD then talked about what Native Americans do when someone dies, talking about one of the ceremonies she's heard of involving drums and chanting. My friend asked her if she'd like to do something like that for her dad, but dd insisted that only Native Americans can do that. Then she changed the subject. For the most part, the rest of the night was pretty normal. She played with her grandpa one on one for a while. Then he left, and that went smoother than I thought it might. My friend stayed for a bit longer while I read to dd and she left with very little protest. After they left, dd said her throat hurt really bad and that she wanted some medicine. She's maybe had Motrin 6 times in the 6 years she's been alive... I really try to avoid medicine, but I gave it to her last night. After she drank it, she asked if I had medicine when she was being born. I told her that I didn't. She said "Oh yeah, that's because I was born here at our home and daddy was the only one here." I told her we had been planning on a homebirth but decided while I was in labor to go to the hospital because we were worried she might be sick (she had severe mec aspiration). I told her that her dad and my midwife were the only people there (my amazing midwife made the NICU team stand outside the door). She started crying and insisting that she was born at home with just me and her daddy and that he was the only one who saw her born. I gently reiterated that she might've gotten the story a little mixed up but assured her that her dad did see her get born. She cried for a while and then said she wanted to go to bed. We walked to her room and she curled up in bed and started to fall asleep immediately.
She slept through the night and even slept in a bit today. There's a lot of sadness coming out today for her. We were doing an activity in this activity book wherein you fill in the blanks about what you did the day before. One of the sentences was "Yesterday I talked with _______ about _______." And she filled in with "mommy" about "daddy" and started to cry. She said that she didn't want to think about it or talk about it because it makes her cry and she hates crying. But she continued to talk and cry, of which I'm glad.. well, not glad.. but, you know. She said she's sad because her best friend and she used to be the exact same because they both had only mommies and both their daddies went away, but they're not the same anymore because her daddy is dead. She also said she thinks she will be sad forever and that she'll never be happy. She said she wishes there was a wishing star that actually worked. I asked her what some of her wishes were. She said that she wished her dad had been to our house and seen her room and played with her and now that would never happen. I'm amazed at the extent of her comprehension of what's happened and the finality of it. She cried a lot. I talked to her about it being a very sad thing and that it was very normal that she felt so sad. She said she doesn't want to feel sad. I talked to her about some of the things I do when I'm sad. I told her sometimes I just let myself feel sad because its important to hear your feelings. Sometimes I talk with my friends or my family about my feelings or sometimes just spend time with them. I told her sometimes I watch a good or funny movie or read a book or do something else I really enjoy, like a long hot shower or taking a walk or yoga. I asked her if she could think of anything like that for herself and she said she couldn't... that she was just going to be sad forever.
She also expressed anxiety about returning to Montessori next week because she's afraid she'll cry at school and that other kids will make fun of her.She said sometimes when kids cry, other kids call them babies and take "fake pictures" of them. I'll be sure to address this in detail with her teacher before she returns to school (she's on intercession right now till the 9th). She cried for a while and then , similiarly to last night, hopped up, said she was hungry and wanted to eat and watch some PBS. So that's what she's doing.
This is so very hard. I hate, hate, hate seeing her hurt so much. But I'm glad she's expressing herself and I'm glad she's able to break herself away from it too. All I can do is be there for her and love her and take her cues the best I can.
mama and dd
Wow. I am so sorry you and your daughter are having to go through this. You sound like an amazing mama doing all the right things to give your daughter the support she needs. Hugs and blessings to you both.
