Well, I've got it again...

[kangaroo_mom]

Hi ladies,

I just had my 3rd baby 5 weeks ago and looks like I have PPD again. I had it really badly after I had my 2nd DD. I'm dealing with toilet regression issues again. She was an EC graduate at 2 right before her sister was born and she completely regressed. She was 100% potty trained day and night at 3 and now that she is almost 4 and her new brother is here she has gone back to wetting her bed, and peeing on furniture and carpets again. My almost 2 year old has decided she wants to be a big time nurser again. I only let her nurse once or twice a day despite all her whining because I just can't handle it. I'm seriously thinking of weaning her cold turkey because she keeps biting at me and I'm tired of yelling at her in pain. Plus we have thrush! : Add on top of that financial stress, my teeth rotting and no health insurance (ironic that my hubby sells insurance - mainly home, auto and life- yet we can't afford health insurance!) We home birth and do natural healing stuff so it's not like we've needed doctors much anyways, but it still sucks that I can't afford to get tests and stuff done.

Basically, I hate my life. It's a living hell having 3 kids 4 and under. And before anyone judges me, understand that I did not plan them that close, but I happen to be one of those fertile bunnies I guess. Absitenence is looking pretty darn good.

My DH is going to see about hiring some neighborhood girls to come over for an hour or so after school during the week to help me out or let me get a nap, since I am such a zombie. I know that is half the problem. I get sleep in 2 hour increments since my baby is a voracious nurser. He's very calm but he is high needs and has to be worn/carried all the time and nursed very often.

My midwife keeps telling me I need to put myself first and take care of myself first cause if the mom is unbalanced then the whole family suffers. Well, DUH, I know that. My own mother was clinically depressed for years. I know very well what it's like to have a depressed mother. It sucks! But, I don't have the time/energy to cook good meals or the appetite to eat simple meals like plain old beans and rice. I'm pulling out my crockpot to cook some things this week. They won't be all that healthy, but at least I'll (hopefully) be eating enough. And I'm so sick of everyone saying to ask for help and get help. FROM WHOM??? No one gives a damn about me!!! If I ask my in-laws for help they'll never let me live it down and they'll accuse me of being depressed because of my lofty ideals (just cause I'm a bit of a health nut/studying herbalist, cloth diaper, and intend to homeschool). They make comments about our house all the time. DH and I have finally resigned to the fact that with small kids our house will be in chaos so we've decided to just have a designated junk room to throw everything in and sort through as we can since having clutter strewn everywhere stresses me out even more.

Anyway, thanks for reading this! I'm sorry I'm so bitchy. Life just really sucks right now and I desperately long for those blissful days I had when it was just my oldest DD and I. I just can't seem to divide my attention among the three. I end up screaming and yelling at them all day long because I'm so stressed. I really feel like if I were to just stick them all in daycare and go find a job, they'd be much better off.

Anyway, gotta get them down for naps. We'll see if my 3 year old will even take one!

[Gale Force]

Jenn,

You've got some good plans and a supportive husband, so that's very good. With 3 children so close and breastfeeding more than one now, you need to be consuming more nutrients than you thught possible. i would look to the powerfoods -- bone broth for minerals, cod liver oil in high doses for the vit d and a and for the omega 3 (i rec Nordic Naturals in the orange-flavored liquid, not the high vitamin formulation). I would take 4 grams of it (DHA +EPA), That is a lot but based on the review of the scientific literature in Omega Connection. I would eat liver for the b vitamins and minerals. Take a liquid B vitamin supplement w b12 and b6. don't eat any processed foods which will only deplete you. sorry i've got a fevered child next to me

amanda

[Miss Information]

Jenn -

I totally understand the three under 4. I have a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and an almost 9 month old. I didn't plan it that way either (my gf called me fertile myrtle a lot) - in fact we conceived E the day dh was supposed to get snipped. How's that for planning?

I do agree that your essential vitamins and nutrients are being depleted by 2 nursing children. I only nurse one baby (and I have low milk supply issues at that so I was nursing almost non-stop for months and months until we finally started solids), and I know I can tell the difference when I eat nutritiously, take supplements and when I don't.

I was going through a hellish period too when my 2 yo would be in tantrum/meltdown mode almost all day for about 8 months straight. Some of it was major teething issues, some of it was just adjusting to being second fiddle to the baby (though I tried to include her). In addition, I had no time or desire to clean the house. or I'd spend the time cleaning only to have nothing to show for it at the end of the day. I totally get how a cluttered house adds to your internal stress. It makes me physically sick sometimes to see my house a disaster. Thank Goodness dh had 4 days off in a row for new year's and we both attacked the house to get it under better control. I don't know what would have happened if he didn't help me out.

I would get into these awful rages where I'd just scream at my little angels over the smallest infraction. Things got really bad around Christmas time, when I had two bad episodes where I actually started punching my husband in the arm after I had a temper tantrum, and one where I acted really bad in front of his family (and didn't really care).

It sounds like you've got a helluva lot on your plate. Is there anything you can compromise on - at least until you are in a better frame of mind to cope with all of your desires to cd/cook special meals/homeschool?

As far as the regressions in your children. Yes, it's a PITA, and it is so frustrating. I'm sorry about that. I wish it could be an easier transition for them. It just isn't and only time and patience will fix that. In fact, the less upset you get about it, and use more reminders to dc to use the potty (I'd tell my oldest, even if you don't think you have to go, please try and see what happens) and more praise when they start remembering on their own again. It's so frustrating to have to get up in the middle of the night when you are exhausted from being a pacifier to your nursling to change a dc and sheets. I've so BTDT.

Can I assure you that it will get somewhat easier as your wee one gets a little older?

Speaking of whom, I guess I ought to try and get her to bed, she's finally sleepy. She's not a great sleeper unless she's attached to my boob. I've learned to live with it. Good thing we are both night owls though.

I think you ought to make getting more nutrients a priority to counteract all the stressors that are additionally burning the little energy you do have. I agree with Gale Force's suggestions. There's others too on one of the other threads here about natural sources to fight off depression.

Good luck as you sort out what you need to do to help yourself.

Karla

[kangaroo_mom]

Thanks for the help and suggestions. I wrote up a list of stuff I needed for my DH last night. He did some things, and that was great. However I really emphasized that I needed someone to come by and check on me today. He said he'd see what I could do. I called one of my close friends this afternoon when I was having a particular horrible breakdown. I kept sending my children into their playroom so that they would be "safe". I was screaming and crying and freaking out with so many scary thoughts going through my head, none of which I believe I would act out, but just having them there is terrifying enough. I called my DH amid all this chaos and told him what was going on. He seemed so calm and just told me that I was doing fine, that everything would be okay. He asked me if he needed to come home. I told him I needed somebody here, and then I hung up on him. So it's been an hour and I've heard nothing from him, no call back, nothing. I know he had a lunch appointment (he does insurance), but I just can't believe he didn't call me back to see what was going on when I was freaking out on the phone with him. :

So after I calmed down I started cooking some steak. I told my little girls that it was dragon steak. I said a big scary dragon had flown through the house and attacked me and that was why I was screaming and crying so loudlly because it was so scary, but I killed the dragon and chopped it up and was cooking it for lunch so it wouldn't come back. My oldest said it was a blue dragon and went and got her lobster puppet to act out the dragon. I'm hoping they'll be okay. I finished reading Playful Parenting and am trying to incorporate more of that into my chaotic life.

And then I called my local Natural Healing and Wellness Center and made an appointment as early as I could. I couldn't get in until the 18th, but they will do my first treatment the following day after my initial consultation. It's gonna cost $160 to get started, which is a lot, but I need help. I just wish my husband would take this more seriously. He is such an optomist and he really believes this depression "stuff" is all in my head cause I don't think positively enough. He has to come with me to treatments though, so hopefully they'll get it through his head how serious this is.

The thing is, now I'm calmed down and feel fine, so I really feel like a neurotic mess because I really feel like I'm going crazy. Is this what schizo's feel like?

In anycase, I am taking my herbal prenatals, an additional b-vitamin complex, organic flax seed oil (I'm doubling up on it now), a pro-biotic (since we have thrush), extra magnesium, and extra calcium (calcium in the morning, magnesium before bed), as well as St. John's Wort and a Wild Yam Progesterone Cream (both of which I used last time to treat the PPD). I'll look into the Cod Liver Oil. Liver is not an option. My mom used to serve that and I would starve all day and still not touch that stuff. I hate it. It makes me want to vomit. I did go out and buy a bunch of meat. I usually lean vegetarian, so meat isn't really my favorite thing to eat, but I'll choke it down somehow.

In anycase, back to my kids and my "dragon steak".

Thanks for the support. Hopefully I'll be able to help all you ladies out soon !