Heart Sick Mama... (long)

[mamaofthree]

My dd is/was friends with another girl from England. They met about 2 years ago. The girls they it off and have stayed in touch. The girl and her mom come to the states at least once a year. Well they came for a visit over the winter break. The girls go out together a couple times. The girl from England was suppose to come over for the night before they left town, around New Years eve. Well the mom calls says girl is sick. I try to arrange something so the girls can see each other before they leave town. I hear nothing from mom. SO today we get a letter from the girl. DD is so happy, we figure the girl was sick and then they had to head back, forgot to call not a big deal. Well the letter accused my dd of only being friends with the girl for her money and that they are no longer friends. My dd is so upset, she cried and cried. We talked (dd and I) about what she might have said or how she acted. At first she couldn't think of anything then she said after they went to the movies she was try to make small talk and brought up that my dh had been wanting to know some stuff about them, like where they lived, what was their house like, what was the girl's school like. I couldn't think that they would think that we were money grubbers from those questions, I mean we have never been to their place in England so it is only natural to be couriuos... I thought anyway.
Needless to say I am pissed that they would be so petty, or whatever to get that upset about those questions. DD writes a letter saying how sorry she is and how she never meant to insult them or make them feel used.
Ok, so I am still wondering what the heck is the matter with these people. Then dd remembers something else she said, she said in passing how my dh had jokingly said they need to stay friends (the girls) so we have a place to stay when ever we are in England. We meant it as a joke, dd isn't even sure why she said it. As soon as she remembered saying it she started crying. She tore up her first letter and wrote another saying how stupid she is, and that she understands why the girl hates her and she hates herself and on and on.
I can't let her send that letter. I mean yes, she said something that shouldn't have been repeated, it was taking out of context, it was a joke that dh said when we were daydreaming about a trip to Europe and who did we know where. Just being silly. But my dd is 11 years old. She put her foot in her mouth, she... is a kid. I can only think that they have been used before and are defensive. And the whole house thing... questions about it, the mother had said the house was so big they needed walkie talkies to talk to each other in it. So we just fantisied about this HUGE English manor. Haha. How cool it would be to visit. Blaa blaa. But nothing serious. I mean I have 4 kids and I am a SAHM, and DH doesn't make that much money, so it isn't like we are heading to Europe soon. I have even joked about my distant reletives in Scotland, about staying with them. Just joking around.
I am so upset. I wish they would have called before they left town. I want to write a letter and explain it all, and say we are sorry. But part of me is pissed. I understand them being upset, but to not call, to send a note. My dd isn't even sure they will read her letter, or any letter from us.
I don't know what to do....

[trmpetplaya]

nak

i don't know what to say... but wanted to wish you and your dd luck!

love and peace.

[scatterbrainedmom]

i would write a letter to the mom and let her know how devastated your dd was by the original letter and at the end explain that what was said was taken out of context. i assume the mother told the child something that prompted the letter. I don't think your dd should apologize though. hopefully if you write a letter the other mom will realize the mishap and have her ds write a letter of appology.

[CaliMommie]

: I think the other mom overreacted. I don't think your daughter did anything wrong. Kids repeat/say things without understanding the full meaning or humor sometimes & that is to be expected.

ETA: I hope you & your daughter feel better about this soon!

[spin462002]

Your daughter needs to know she has done nothing wrong and trying to guess why people would be so mean is just speculation and does no one any good. Sometimes people are just mean, tough but true. Can they still be friends? Why would you encourage her to want a relationship with someone who has treated her that way? Obviously the other girl has a problem and not your daughter. I wouldn't respond at all personally, and just be thankful she revealed herself now. A hard lesson for an 11 year old but one we all need to learn sooner or later. People will believe whatever they choose and facts are often irrelevant. That's life.

If you have to write, you write to the mother and say how hurt and upset your daughter was and how disappointed you are that this has happened. You hope they had a good trip and you wish them well. Goodbye.

Don't let your daughter be a victim, no matter what she said or didn't say, true friends do not treat each other that way.

hugs
Lynn

[mamaofthree]

The more I have been mulling this over the more pissed I am getting. I feel so upset for my dd. I think I will write to them, but not begging forgivness. :

H

[LizD]

Write to the mother and say, this dreadful misunderstanding has seemed to come up, I don't understand what's going on, is there anything we need to know, I'd really like the girls to remain friends...? YOUR daughter did not do anything wrong- the other girl did- but don't assume the mother is behind it or even knows about it. Try to be calm and nice and just get the real story from the other mother, at least. If it can be cleared up, great, if not, good you found out they were jerks. But at least get to the bottom of it without assuming the girl's letter explains the situation.

Sorry your daughter had to go through this. A neighborhood girl- and best friend, hah!- of my daughter was horrible to her last year, and I will, secretly, never forgive them. :

[shanagirl]

Your daughter did NOTHING wrong! But I did work in international HR for about 12 years and learned that there are many cultural differences we are not aware of over here, they are very subtle, things you do and don't say in different countries, and piled on top of that, everyone loves to hate how gauche Americans are. Trust me, whether you believe it or not, American bashing is a favored sport around the world. So your daughter just got pegged into a waiting pigeon hole, it was probably only a matter of time before she said something typically American--funny and open, a joke-- and they took it literally. Tell your daughter I managed to offend people aroung the WORLD many times doing the same thing she did, just being a nice person making a joke. The people I offended most over and over were Japanese, they just have a more elaborate and subtle social culture, and I was at a total loss, I got written up! Tell her the old Winston Churchill joke that England and America are two countries separated by a common language. I would have her send a note to the girl just explaining that she was joking and our humor here includes saying exactly what you know you are not supposed to, that is normal and acceptable humor here. If she and her mother come here every year, they have either encoutered that already, or will at some point. Encourage your daughter to respond in a way that offers enlightenment, that will make her fell better, then let the chips fall where they may.

[bricorssk]

So sorry your DD is going through this. I am learning myself how petty girls and their mothers can be!~