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A word about "Full Time Mothers" - Page 2

post #21 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by nonconformnmom
Sorry you're feeling : It doesn't bother me. *I* know I'm a full-time mom and my children and husband know and that's what counts. It doesn't matter to me what other people think.

You're my hero. I've spent SO much time and energy trying to bring myself to a place where thoughtless comments like that don't bother me. Between the "full-time mom" title and the statement that "Being a SAHM is the hardest job there is" I honestly want to cry and avoid every mom I know.

I work 4p-midnight, so many of my mom friends (most of which are SAHMs) think of me as "one of them". That's great until they start talking about how much harder their lives are now that they don't WOH. What does that say about me? Unfortunately, very few have taken the time to listen to, and try to understand, my concerns.

I've taken to just keeping my mouth shut, which goes against everything that I believe in. I KNOW that I work hard, and that should be enough. I just wish that somebody, besides my dh, would appreciate all that I go through.

I know. It's a process.
post #22 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by TVChick
...I've taken to just keeping my mouth shut, which goes against everything that I believe in. I KNOW that I work hard, and that should be enough. I just wish that somebody, besides my dh, would appreciate all that I go through....
Well, I appreciate all that you go through AND admire your ability to keep your mouth shut. I could use some of that.
post #23 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by wawap
Well, I appreciate all that you go through AND admire your ability to keep your mouth shut. I could use some of that.
thanks!
post #24 of 130
Thread Starter 
I agree. I wish I didn’t bristle about it either. I think worse of myself for not being above it. For as much as I hear some people complain about how hard it is to be a “full time mother”- none of them would trade that for WOH. It’s the constant reminder of all the sacrifices they are making to be at home and devoted to the kids. But is it really a sacrifice if you give it up willingly, or if you never really wanted it in the first place? Of course all mothers work hard, and all mothers make sacrifices. As another thread points out, there is a huge continuum between purely SAHM and WOHM. Families make all sorts of arrangements to bring in income and to meet other needs. I guess I just wish that if I am going to be constantly reminded how hard this particular subset of mothers works, then I wish they could do it without making it a judgement or comparison.
post #25 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by G&B'sMama
I agree. I wish I didn’t bristle about it either. I think worse of myself for not being above it. For as much as I hear some people complain about how hard it is to be a “full time mother”- none of them would trade that for WOH. It’s the constant reminder of all the sacrifices they are making to be at home and devoted to the kids. But is it really a sacrifice if you give it up willingly, or if you never really wanted it in the first place? Of course all mothers work hard, and all mothers make sacrifices. As another thread points out, there is a huge continuum between purely SAHM and WOHM. Families make all sorts of arrangements to bring in income and to meet other needs. I guess I just wish that if I am going to be constantly reminded how hard this particular subset of mothers works, then I wish they could do it without making it a judgement or comparison.
I have been a stay at home mom for ten years. I would say about 90% of the time I hear how nice it is that I am able to stay home from working moms. It is a choice that I made that came with many years of going without certain things. Sacrifice of material items that I would like to have but have chosen that my child is way more important. Most of them could make the same choices if they really wanted too.
post #26 of 130
NO. I agree with you. And I take this a bit further too. I get offended reading posts by moms who love to discuss how . . . because they are AP. . . they never leave the dc . . with anyone . . ever . . maybe DH or DP once for an hour to have surgery . . . but that was it (exaggerating obviously). Are we WOH mommas in the VAST minority? Does WOHM mean we can't be AP because we obviously leave the dc to WOH? This topic really gets under my skin.
post #27 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by trinket23us
I have been a stay at home mom for ten years. I would say about 90% of the time I hear how nice it is that I am able to stay home from working moms. It is a choice that I made that came with many years of going without certain things. Sacrifice of material items that I would like to have but have chosen that my child is way more important. Most of them could make the same choices if they really wanted too.
Trinket, please keep in mind that for many WOH mothers, not working means they would be sacrificing wacky little things like buying medicine for their children, paying the gas bill, and being able to fix their car so they can drive to the grocery store instead of taking a bus with three kids. For some it means being able to not live in poverty as a senior citizen because of the disgraceful way this country cheats SAHMs. For some it's a safety valve in case her husband leaves her because she's gained weight or talks about the children too much, or if her husband becomes abusive.
post #28 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by trinket23us
It is a choice that I made that came with many years of going without certain things. Sacrifice of material items that I would like to have but have chosen that my child is way more important. Most of them could make the same choices if they really wanted too.
This is an example of the attitude that deeply offends me. This comment is amazingly presumptuous - and really bums me out - as it confirms what I sense that some SAHMs are thinking about me. As though I have to explain myself and my financial/medical situation to justify my work situation . . . .

I don't look down on SAHM - I envy them. And unfortunately, it is not a choice that I could make only if I "really wanted too".
post #29 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by MountainLaurel
Trinket, please keep in mind that for many WOH mothers, not working means they would be sacrificing wacky little things like buying medicine for their children, paying the gas bill, and being able to fix their car so they can drive to the grocery store instead of taking a bus with three kids. For some it means being able to not live in poverty as a senior citizen because of the disgraceful way this country cheats SAHMs. For some it's a safety valve in case her husband leaves her because she's gained weight or talks about the children too much, or if her husband becomes abusive.
:

. . . or how about medical insurance for those with serious pre-existing conditions who are otherwise uninsurable outside of group coverage . . .

. . . if only I were willing to make the sacrifice for those petty little material things like others are so willing to do . . .

Sorry - this one really hits a sore spot with me.
post #30 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by TripMom
This is an example of the attitude that deeply offends me. This comment is amazingly presumptuous - and really bums me out - as it confirms what I sense that some SAHMs are thinking about me. As though I have to explain myself and my financial/medical situation to justify my work situation . . . .

I don't look down on SAHM - I envy them. And unfortunately, it is not a choice that I could make only if I "really wanted too".
I am a SAHM and I agree that that attitude is disrespectful. I think we all get unthinking, disrespectful comments on both sides at one time or another. I wish everyone could be more understanding and respectful. I don't think you should have to explain or justify why you work. I cannot tell you the number of times I have been asked "what I do all day", and that's wrong too.
post #31 of 130
I never thought about it but I suppose it is a bit insulting. You never stop being a mom, whether you are at work (school) or not. To insinuate a working/schooling mom is only "part time" is a bit of a put down. The mommy wars wear me out.
post #32 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnysideup
I am a SAHM and I agree that that attitude is disrespectful. I think we all get unthinking, disrespectful comments on both sides at one time or another. I wish everyone could be more understanding and respectful. I don't think you should have to explain or justify why you work. I cannot tell you the number of times I have been asked "what I do all day", and that's wrong too.
Thanks Sunnyside. Its very healing to have your feelings validated! Let me return the favor . . . it is extremely wrong that people have inquired as to how you spend your time as a SAHM . . very ignorant question . . . and laughable really for anyone that is a parent.
post #33 of 130
Well, I'm a "full time mother" - yes, I work a fulltime job outside of the home, but that doesn't mean I'm not a mother during those hours!

If anything, it means I'm a serious multi-tasker. I can work my ft job, which I have FOR my children, not "despite my children" or "as well as my children," and handle emails from teachers, calls from my dcps, doctors and my older son who can't find his homework (again).

I also am very careful to use the term "Working out of the home mother" instead of "working mother" because ALL mothers are working mothers!

I wish I could be a SAHM, but since I'm a single mother with a less then reliable stbx(financially, since he's been very consistant in his absolute abandonment of our son), if I didn't work, we wouldn't have a home for me to be "at home" in... nor would I have kids, since C&Y would have long removed them since I wouldn't be able to feed or clothe them... :P

AFAIC, if you are an involved, caring, loving parent, you ARE a "full time mother/father" because your child(ren) are ALWAYS on your mind and everything you do has an impact on them.
post #34 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by trinket23us
I would say about 90% of the time I hear how nice it is that I am able to stay home from working moms.
Yes, and do you know why that is? In part it is because they are being supportive. You obviously don't know what it means to say something supportive toward someone who has different circumstances and/or has made different choices than you have. Perhaps you can learn something from these working moms who have acknowledged that staying at home with our children is something we all long for and admire. And that, yes, you are fortunate indeed to be able to do so.

We all (meaning WOHM, SAHM, and all of us in-between) make sacrifices to do what works for our families and to put food on the table.
post #35 of 130
I used to be wohm. My dh was a sahd. I would refer to him as full time dad. I never thought of myself as part time mom. Or him as a part time dad now that he's woh and I'm sah. Like a pp, I can now see how it would be offensive. I never thought of it in terms of anybody else, just us. So, it was never a better-than-anybody term to me. But I will still apologise to anyone I may have offended in the past.

I have the utmost respect for moms (and dads) everwhere. Its a tough job no matter what!

And I soooo agree on the fathers "babysitting". What the heck is up with that?

But, I do want to say;
Quote:
I see that phrase as yet another reflection of how some SAHMs tend to be very defensive about their choices, to the point of insulting anyone who didn't make the same choice. Grrr.
Its comments like these that fuel the fire..... but I'm sure its just coming from a place of frustration. Not the sweeping generalization that its sounds like, right?
post #36 of 130
You ladies type far to fast for me!

Quote:
We all (meaning WOHM, SAHM, and all of us in-between) make sacrifices to do what works for our families and to put food on the table.
Yes Yes and Yes!
post #37 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by trinket23us
I have been a stay at home mom for ten years. I would say about 90% of the time I hear how nice it is that I am able to stay home from working moms. It is a choice that I made that came with many years of going without certain things. Sacrifice of material items that I would like to have but have chosen that my child is way more important. Most of them could make the same choices if they really wanted too.
Well, I can't speak for others, but for myself, I would LOVE to be a SAHM, so... let's see what I could cut out:

1. Home, sure... who needs one - a cardboard box and shelters during the winter will do.

2. Car, the ambulance is always available if I need to take the kids to the ER.

3. Medical and dental insurance, hey, I could always depend on the state... well, for five years, then who knows...

4. Clothing - nudity is good! Well, the winter months might suck... and T without a diaper is a bad thing, but since I won't have a home, rugs won't be an issue!

5. Food - well, if I'm going to be nude, losing weight will be good for me... it might be bad for the kids not to eat, though...

Well, those are my major expenses... do you think I be less materialistic and can cut them out to be a SAHM?
Did I mention that I'm a single mother? No husband/partner to pay the bills?
Apparently I'm not one of the "most who could make the same choices".
I wish it was just a choice of not having a second car, or buying generic versus brand names or not going to Aruba for vacation. For me, and most WOHmoms I know, it has nothing to do with "make the choice to cut out materialistic things" but has to do with basic survival.
I *do* tell SAHMs I know that I wish I could be a SAHM and that I envy them for being able to do so.
post #38 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnysideup
I cannot tell you the number of times I have been asked "what I do all day", and that's wrong too.
Next time some rude @$$ asks you that, tell them.

Start with the 3AM wake up because this one was vomiting, how you were up til 430AM cleaning up puke and cuddling child back to sleep, then showering cause you were covered in puke, then up again at 6AM to make hubby breakfast... then the healthy kids got up and you had to make them breakfast, get them dressed & ready for school and get the sick one up and take the others to school and....

I think about 2 hours into "what you do all day", they'll have slipped into a trauma-induced coma and never, ever, ever ask you again.
post #39 of 130

Chris, you owe NO ONE, an explanation.
post #40 of 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by trinket23us
Sacrifice of material items that I would like to have but have chosen that my child is way more important. Most of them could make the same choices if they really wanted too.
Wow... what a ridiculously presumptious statement.

Sure.. we all have "choices". I, my child's only living parent, could "choose" to quit my job, move dd out of the only home she's ever known (a modest two bedroom apartment), move into a tiny studio in a bad neighborhood, and go on welfare and foodstamps to clothe and feed my child. And then you could say things like, "She could find work if she wasn't so lazy."
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