Survivor parents - Page 2

[truly_sarah]

My kids are definitely not like that. They like to be touched appropriately by people that they know care about them. No problem. RE 'breaking the cycle' I think it might apply more to people who were in situations where they thought what they were experiencing was 'normal'....I never for one moment thought that what I lived with was normal...I had friends and I was in home day care and I knew very well what 'normal' life was like - peaceful! So I don't have a cycle to 'break' - I just walked away from it and cut ties with my family - for me, case closed with the figurative closing door. I babysat all through my preteens, teens, and early twenties (some of those years while I was still with my biological family) and it never even once crossed my mind that I should emulate my biological family in any way. I do agree there are those who do have a cycle to break, but that sort of thing doesn't apply to everyone.

Just wanted to put in my .02 - I don't consider myself damaged by my experiences. On the contrary, it gives me a greater appreciation of a mundane life on the home front. My 11 year old doesn't know the full details of what I experienced...but he knows enough to differentiate between good and bad touching...really the physical component is only one aspect - someone can do much more damage to a child by telling lies, playing emotional games, using bad language, threats, failing to follow through on promises, and the like. The sort of stuff that makes the kid prone to the touching in the first place, because it is oftentimes so much easier than other forms of domestic abuse that children have to live with day after day.

Sarah

[Leopardmom]

First, thank you everyone who is sharing and breaking this cycle. I am amazed by the spiritual strength and determination of survivors. I know how much work it is to face and heal and move on through these kind of situations. I have always known something wasn't right about my feelings toward sex and love. But I didn't really begin to uncover the scenes of violation until I began meditating. Even then, after years of thinking that I was getting rid of some issues I began practicing tai chi only to return to nightmares and memories that I never remembered before. My first years of spiritual growth and uncovering were horrifying (and I might add nothing compared to some of the things being shared here). Now I am grateful to have uncovered these dirty secrets. Being able to see with clarity has given me the chance to heal and truly feel right about my sexuality for the first time in my life at nearly 30 years old.

I have gone from living with and marrying a boy (he is not considered a man to me) who abused me in every way he could think of, to having the strength to leave him and move on. I have gone from sleeping with men just to get attention give them what I knew they would like, to actually knowing what the term "making love " means. I have gone from feeling like I would never be able to truly trust a man or love a man, to being in love with and married to a man that I admire, trust and adore. I have gone from feeling that I would never be at peace, to knowing true peace and joy without fear. And I too have been blessed with the super sensitivity that the others speak of. My only dilemna is learning to work with the sensitivity so that it helps me instead of overwhelms me. Part of that includes the protection of my kids.

I encourage anyone, survivor or not, to read Gavin DeBecker's book "Protecting the Gift". He is an amazing man who endured abuse and lived to become the authority on violence in the country. His book gave me the sense that I have the ability to protect my little ones. Sometimes still I feel fanatical. I check on my daughter at family gatherings more than the other parents. I get freaked out if she has an itchy crotch or a rash. I don't trust anyone with her except my husband. I am not sure what it means to be "normal". I mean, I don't know if I am being a freak sometimes or I am just being cautious. But I don't listen to other people if they tell me to chill out because so many people have a "this can't happen here" attitude.

I will just share a couple of things that I feel very confident about doing to keep my daughter safe.
1) I don't leave her alone with teenage boys. Sorry to those of you who have teenage boys and they are innocent. In my experience teenage boys are hormonal and should not be put into a position alone with little girls that may be arousing. It is not just me who thinks so. I saw an expert pschologist on Oprah who said the same advice. I was forced into sick sexual acts with a teen when I was 5 years old. I don't allow my daughter to be in that situation.
2) I don't encourage my girl to kiss hug or otherwise associate with people she feels uncomfortable with. Obviously!
3)I tell her that if anyone does something to make her uncomfortable and they won't stop she may do anything (kick, bite, hit, scratch etc.) to make them stop. This does not go over well with many of my peace at all cost friends. However, they were not held down in bed with a penis stuck down their throats gagging and wanting to get away. I wish someone would have told me it was ok to bite!!!
4) I tell her that if she is lost to look for a mommy, someone with kids. Sorry again if this is offensive against men but the book above clearly states that most predator's are men.
5) I stick up for her. I respect her. And I encourage the men in her life to do the same. Just as her feelings about the minor things matter I want her to get the idea that her feelings are as valid as another's.
6) I just recently started telling her about other people who may try to trick her into doing things that aren't good for her.
7) I put a spiritual shield and sword with her when I cannot be with her. She knows I do this and if I miss a spot she tells me.
8) I pray for clarity so that I can see anything that might harm her. And I am willing to consider the ugly things that are possible.

Once again thank you for everyone sharing. It makes me feel so hopeful that you are out there not only surviving but thriving!

[lisamarie]

Just wanted to bump this thread for another survivor.

Warmly~

Lisa

[Greaseball]

I'm just glad that my DD doesn't know that hands can hurt, and doesn't know what yelling sounds like.

I also do not leave her alone with any men, except for her father. I choose only female doctors and caregivers. While this does not solve everything, it helps.

Also, if I ever have a son, I don't think I'll let him join the Boy Scouts. Something about a bunch of grown men taking little boys into the woods does not seem right to me.

Sorry if I offended any legitimate, non-molesting Boy Scout families.

[twobabies]

I was told about this thread by lisamarie on the extended bfing thread.
I am a survivor.
I have been blessed with the most precious gift of ds, and dd.
My dh is loving and caring but also a bit tense and fearful. So much so that he questions my play with the babies. He aslo doesn't want dd and ds left in the care of my mother. (She was not the perp but married two abusive men and so in dh mind is guilty by association)
I love my children and would never do anything to hurt them but I am filled with doubt and shame much of the time. I worry and fret over everything--diapering, bath time, extended nursing --everytning.
I know my mind, I know my intentions are good, healthy and loving. But as my dh says "maybe your dad thought he was doing the right thing?" And in fact my father did say exactly that . Father believes his actions were "normal" and "what everyone else was doing" I have no contact with him any longer. I can't have him messing with my mind. And yet obviously his abuse still fills me with doubt, shame, ect.....
I want to raise healthy, happy children and I want to protect them from the pain and abuse that has marred my life. I am glad to have this thread to talk about the issues and to share successes. Thank you all.

[jenoline]

Hi Renee,
I know someone said this in your other thread, but just because you were abused does not mean that you will abuse your children! Please believe that. Abuse/molestation is a conscious choice; you can't abuse someone "accidentally". Regardless of what your father says, I'm sure he knew what he was doing. If he thought it was normal there woulld have been no need hide it and everyone in your community would have known what was going on (know what I mean?).

I'm so sorry that your husband says hurtful things to you. It is so important to have someone that understands and supports what you are going through/have gone through. I strongly recommend that you BOTH see a counselor who is experienced with molestation. Your husband needs to understand what happened to you, the ways the abuse affects your actions, and the ways it DOESN'T affect your actions.

I had a very good counselor in college, and my boyfriend (DH) came with me a few times, and my counselor suggested some reading material for him. It really helped him to understand what I was going through and having his understanding and support really helped me to heal.

You are doing the best you can for your children, and bfeeding them is a wonderful, normal thing. I think it is really important that your husband learns to understand all this, so he can support you and your choices, instead of making you doubt yourself.

My thoughts are with you {{{Renee}}}. Please feel free to PM me if you want to.

Jenoline