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It isn't like we are planning #20 or anything!!! :o(

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
Hello all. I am hoping to meet other mammas out there with similiar issues or a little understanding.
All can feel free to read my other posts about having my fourth child..and all the issues that have surrounded that decision....maybe I just want to rant..but I am hoping others can relate.
DH and I have been married 5 wonderful years. I was married previously and have two children from that marriage, ds nearly 14, dd 10. My DH has a dd from his previous marriage who will be 11. (total..4). Much to our sadness the court system isn't on daddy's side and we rarely get to see my sd. My husband was military when we met and when his dd was born. He feels he doesn't know his daughter at all and her mother does nothing to nurture their relationship. (Yes, he pays child support..never been late...and she lives across the country which is another heart ache because her mother refuses to let her fly). He said he feels he didn't get to enjoy her infancy/mother's pregnancy/childhood (they divorced when his dd as 3). He has longed for more children.
When we married I had been a single mom for years and worked my bum off. I really felt I was finished having children. After marriage I realized how much I wanted a child with him. Enter ds who is 3 1/2.
Raising our son together has been such a joy. I'm not for sure if it's because I am finally married to someone I love more than life, or if it's my older age. I feel that I finally know what motherhood is all about.
After my sons birth he planned to have a vasectomy (sp?). It never felt right and we cancelled at least 5 appt.'s.
Last year I had a miscarriage that resulted from a wonderful surprise pregnancy. I have been torn about #4..but worry that my decision is darkened by all the negative responses from family and friends.
The miscarriage was heck on my emotions.
First of all...(after boring you all near tears) my question is this........... Yes, my husband has a daughter, yes I have two children from a previous marriage...and we have our son together.........is it so wrong to want another child together?
My other question is this.........do you mammas who have remarried somehow feel cheated when it comes to the issue of having more children?
My other concern .....is the hesitancy I feel toward a 4th pregnancy because I am older and realize what lies ahead or perhaps everyone's negative attitude is poisoning my spirit.
Can anyone else relate out there????
Thanks all!
post #2 of 16
Why would it be so wrong to want another child with your DH? I think that if it is something that you both want, and you are ready for it, then go for it.

As for your friends and family, and the negativity. Honestly, it really isn't anyone else's business.

Yes, I can totally relate. Jeff and I have been together for over two years, and plan to marry when I get out of college. I have 3 children from my previous marriage, and he has one. We hgave talked about someday having another child together. The only thing is, for us it is just not the fact of deciding that we are ready for one and then trying. My ex convinced me to get my tubes tied (told me that if I got pregnant again that he wasn't helping me take care of another one. Stupid me, thinking that we were going to be together forever, got them tied, even though in my heart, I knew that I really didn't want it) So, now it is a tubal reversal, or IVF if Jeff and I ever decide to have more together.

We hear it from both our families all the time that we would be crazy if we ever did it. Or, "Isn't four kids enough, you had your kids early enough, and you'll be young when they are grown, why would you want to do that to yourselves?" But, we figure if that is something that we want together someday, then it isn't anyone else business but our own.

I would say go for it mama!!!! And enjoy it!
post #3 of 16
Alittle cheated yes. I have carried one baby, but dh has been through the difficulties of two infancies. He feels like he is done, and I feel like I need one more. . . .but we'll see. No permanant decisions have been made yet (at least by me!).
post #4 of 16
I have two from my first marriage. I thought I was done. Then comes my wonderful new husband. He never wanted any children of his own. Then we had a surprise, enter baby Jack. Our lives feel full and complete. (sometimes too full) The older kid's bio dad is mostly out of the picture. He pays, and sees the kids MAYBE every other month, and they live less than 100 miles away.

His new wife has four children, ages 17 to 8. Her kids are from her previous two marriages, and they are trying to have another one. I have no problem with my former spouse moving on, I am happy for them. I do have a problem with the fact that he is trying to have more when he is not a hands on, active part of the children he already has. He has the ability to be a great dad, I just wish he would be a dad to those he HAS, before he has any more.

If I were a more enlightened soul, I would be happy that the four children finally have a father figure. If I were a better person, I would know that my children already have a great day to day, hands on father. I were a better person, I would understand my feelings of resentment, and anger.

All that being said, have as many children as you can afford, emotionally and financially. Children are a joy and a pain.
post #5 of 16
pretty much what boobybunny said. I am livid about the fact that my non-seeing, non-paying ex-husband is planning to extend his family when he ignores the two children he's already fathered. I am livid about the amount of crap that we get from other people (three children? are you going to stop now?) and am just enjoying the fact that he's going to get even more.
All I'm going to say is, one of my schoolgate friends is expecting in April- well, actually both of them are. He has four children, this is her first: and it's hard to say who is more excited. There are some families where it can work, and well.
post #6 of 16
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by boobybunny
All that being said, have as many children as you can afford, emotionally and financially. Children are a joy and a pain.
I think that word is perfect for me boobybunny.."emotionally"....when I had my older two children with my ex, I had them for the wrong reasons..DON'T GET ME WRONG..I love them more than life itself..but having my third son when I was older and in a wonderful marriage..it was very bitter sweet..I say my son's birth was the sadest and one of the happiest days of my life....happiest because I truly understood why two people chose to have a child....( I think I had my older two just to keep me alive ..I was so miserable..I devoted my whole being to them)....it was the sadest because I didn't share that loving bond with their father.
I do know I am emotionally charged by what others think and say. I should not be.
The second thing....I don't know why I over think the whole baby thing. Maybe because I am older and finally realize the responsibility of a newborn/new life.
Of course my family doctor (he's male) blames it on changing hormones. Men!
It was nice when I had my third son. I could AFFORD HIM!! With my other two it was a constant financial struggle and I didnt really enjoy them because feeding them, clothingthem, etc. and not having the right amount of spousal support was draining on me.
Perhaps those mums who wait to begin a family later in life..are just down right SMART!!
My husband loves children. If I left it up to him we would have 10 of our own and adopt a whole tribe of children from Russia.
I get really angry with fathers, now divorced from mothers suddenly DIVORCING their children. We wish so much we could actually be involved with my dsd's life. We miss her. He has never been included in any decisions in raising her. His opinion doesn't matter. I am sorry to say..it isn't always the father that backs out of a child's life..in our case the mother pushed him out.

Thanks guys!
post #7 of 16
Sometimes, I feel very cheated, we're *gasp* responsible..lol

I don't mean that as in noone else is, I mean that as in, compared to when we each had our children, we weren't responsible people then, and had our children for the wrong reasons. I have a DD (nearly 5), from a previous marriage. I have sole custody. SO has a DS (nearly 10), from a previous marriage, and he has full custody with biomom having visitation.

We both had our children for the wrong reasons, and neither of us were prepared at all. We're still paying for those choices. We love our children to death, but we both agree we should have put off having children until a later time.

So now, we are older and more responsible. We have each other, and we have our children. We want more together, but are not at a point where that can happen yet (emotionally and financially). We want children, but we can't be as carefree as we were when we decided to have our respective children, does that make sense?

So, we have to wait, and I feel very cheated alot of the time. I wish I could be carefree and just go with what I feel, and what I want. But I cannot. I can't wait to add another child to our family though, and very importantly, a child with my SO.

I don't think it's wrong to want another child with your husband. If you can, and want to, why not?!?

Good luck!!
post #8 of 16

my little family

I have ds2yo, ds4yo
he has ds5yo, dd10yo, dd12yo

together we have ds5mo and want one more some day.

my ex has the big V but speaks of adopting - and his ex has a histerectomy so nothing going on there......

it would not surprise me if my ex has a reversal or adopts...

anyway - I get comments about no more but we say "lets do what feels right for us"
post #9 of 16
My dh doesn't want anymore. We have three - ds1 (12) is from my first marriage and dd (2.5) and ds2 (5.5 months) are ours. I want one more baby...for whatever reason, I've had my heart set on four since I was 18. I still feel as though there's some other baby out there who wants me to be mommy...

My sister thinks I'm nuts, because she has four and hates it (of course, she hated it when she only had one, too). My mom says I'm crazy...I haven't figured out if that's because I'm "too old" or because I've had three c-sections, or just because she thinks I've got three of the neatest kids ever and thinks I'm pushing my luck.

But, the only opinion that matters, aside from mine, is dh's. I don't really care what anybody else says. They're not me, and they don't know what's right for me. If they think four is "too many"...too bad. (I did have a lovely lady in the hardware store admire my babies over Christmas. She told me to enjoy this time while it lasts, and that she had six - she described those years as the best in her life, and is now enjoying her grandchildren. )
post #10 of 16
Thread Starter 
My ds (3.5) is a wild child. Of course he is spoiled rotten by his older siblings who although complain when he puts milk in the PS2, love him to pieces. He has been a difficult child all the way around..horrible sleeper, has had every virus out there, didn't care about potty training.....I feel most of my grey hairs come from his actions! So I think, if I have another....I have been trained well...all 3 of my children have been horrible sleepers........I'm due for at least ONE good sleeper! If not........I know how to handle it. Besides..ds is 3.5 and I still don't sleep all night.

It was always me and my sis.....just the two of us.......now we complain that family gatherings are just plain BORING! She remarried and they have a total of 6....I have my 3 and would love another one........when my mother complains my sister tells her if she would have given us more siblings we wouldn't feel such a strong longing for a HUGE family of our own!

OF course...I was thinking of #4 today.....(sigh)..and thought..OH MY GOSH..I"m thinking of a fourth child..when my mother was my age I WAS GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL! Now I FEEL OLD!
post #11 of 16
Feeling a little cheated here!

DH has 2 sons. They will be 15 and 17 when my baby is born. DH really didn't want to start over, but knew that since I had no children (this is my first marriage) that I wanted a child more than anything.

Part of me wants another one after this one, too. I thank God for my brother and sister and think it would be sad not to have them around.

DH is 46 and I am 35, so we are getting older too...I just don't know if we should at our ages.

The other thing I am conserned about is how his sons will feel about the baby. The older one lives with us, the other with his mom. One said that it was WEIRD that we were having a baby. The other was just like, "whatever" when we told him. I want them to feel like she is their sister and we are a family, but that will take time.

Anyway, you and your husband know what is best for your family...don't let friends and extended family make choices for you.
post #12 of 16
I think there is a difference between a dad having more kids and a mom. My two older ones are very close to their baby brother. They got in a fight at their bio dad's house because they told my kids that the baby was only their half brother.

But then, I have a half brother from my mom. We are not close but his is my brother. (he is 23 years younger)

I have a half brother from my dad, he is two years older and he is no family of mine. We were raised differently, with different ideas, beliefs and histories.
post #13 of 16
Oh yes, I know where you are coming from. Mr Toona gets all kinds of jokes about "don't you know where those things come from?" from people when he tells them he has four kids (sheesh he and I are both from a fam of 8 kids, now that's alot, four, not so many). Well, lately we've been (unbeknownst to most people so far) talking about us having a kid together (it would be my first birth, if so) and I'm a little unsure about the "popular reaction" to it. I'm not striving to keep up with my mom, but it's something that I want to do, I'm just not so sure I'm ready for the way other folks will react to it.

BUT... It is your life, and it's what you feel is right. There's sort of a saying I've heard, and honestly, that I've seen in real life, that suggests you'll know when you're done having kids. People can talk all they want. Do what's right for you.
post #14 of 16
If you feel it is right I say go for it! I have a co-worker who just married a man (he does have 50% custody) who has 4 kids. She has none. I do understand now she is a stepmom, but I also understand her need to have another child. She has never had a baby and raised a baby. Yes, together they will have 5 kids, but they are not fooling themselves of what they are getting into, they will be happy and they made the right decision to pursue it. BTW, they are doing fertility treatments.
post #15 of 16
When my DH and I got married, he had a ds. Then we had a one together. When I got pregnant with dd, I was shocked as to all the opinions we got from my parents and other family members about stopping. With the next pregnancy, I didn't tell them. They found out on their own. Now with this pregnancy, the news came out but my attitude is different. WHO CARES WHAT OTHERS THINK ABOUT YOUR GROWING FAMILY!!! It's not their business. It's a decision for you and your dh and it should not matter how many you already have unless you are dependant on the state system or other people to take care of you or your children. If you are self sufficient, don't talk about it with anyone except you dh. When asked if this is our last one, I reply "probably not". Then it won't be a shock to them next time or the next 4 times. I often say that we are planning on 12. It gets them to zip their lips. They don't know if I'm serious or not.
Do what's right for your family. You and your dh only share dna in one of your children, Have 5 more!!! Go for it!
post #16 of 16
I'm hoping to have four , and dh is on 6 right now, with our first together, so that will give him 9 and me four.....who cares?
I LOVE having kids with dh!
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