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Am I a masochist?  

post #1 of 23
1/10/06 at 2:14pm
Thread Starter 
I don't know why, but for the first time since having dd, I decided to check out the due date club at a mainstream board that rhymes with Schmivillage. I suffered through the due date club there with dd because I hadn't found Mothering yet.

There was a thread...OB or Midwife?...sounds harmless, right? Other homebirthers already posted their plans, so I put in my vote.

The response..."What do you do if something goes terribly wrong?"

AHHHHHHH! I'm done. What possessed me to go there in the first place, I don't know. I replied, but I'm done after this debate.
post #2 of 23
1/10/06 at 2:45pm
I have to laugh because your message board experience sounds like my daily life experience. Most (all but one) of the moms I know would never even consider a homebirth. I get questions like "what if something goes wrong" all the time. I even had one friend start lecturing me on how I'm going to pick my midwife and dwella (that's how she said it). It drives me crazy. One day I'll meet other mamas like me in real life!

I actually think it's fun to check out other DDCs, especially when I need a pick-me-up
post #3 of 23
1/10/06 at 2:52pm
I know, I know...Everyone here already think we're nuts because we're planning a birth center birth. I can't imagine what they'd say if they knew we're now considering UC. What really gets me is the mainstreamers tend to be so critical, in my experience anyway. I don't agree w/ managed labor and delivery, but if that's what you feel is best for you, ok. Who am I to lecture you about how wrong that is, even if that's what I think? All I can really do is offer advice based on my knowledge and experience, if you're open to it. Not so w/ most mainstreamers, it seems. They seem to feel this compulsion to jam their beliefs down your throat. And if that doesn't work, they try to tear yours down. I know not everyone is that way, but that's been my experience. I'm so sick of people trying to tell me I'm being irresponsible because I'm not planning to birth w/i arm's reach of all the latest technology.

I stopped reading all the typical books and other mainstream stuff pretty early on w/ dd. Everything made me feel bad about myself. "Never do X. It doesn't work, and trying it will damage your child for life." Well, I do that all the time, and it works, so what's the problem? Am I screwing my daughter up or creating a monster or something? The funny thing is that, even after doing all the things the books, etc. tell you not to, the #1 comment we get about dd is that she is such a happy child.

Whenever I hear a lot of the mainstream stuff now, I remember something that our childbirth educator w/ dd told us. Someone had asked her about Lamaze and the Bradley method, if they really worked. Her response was surprisingly insightful, I thought. "Absolutely...if you buy into it." It's all in your attitude. Well, maybe not all, but it certainly does have a big effect.

Managed labor and delivery w/ an OB in a hospital would never work for me...because I don't buy into it. I don't believe that's the way birth was intended to be. I'm not saying that positive thinking will guarantee a perfect birth, whatever perfect means for you. But it certainly will help. I firmly believe that one of the main reasons more women don't have more natural births, aside from lack of education, is lack of self-confidence. They've been told they can't do it w/o drugs and someone telling them what to do. Just believing that women are capable of giving birth in whatever way they choose for them really goes a long way.

I didn't mean to whip out the soap box here. I probably sound just as bad as some of the mainstreamers...I think this post just caught me at a very emotionally intense moment. Sorry...
post #4 of 23
1/10/06 at 3:01pm
Thread Starter 
Great post Chalyn! So true.

GSMAMA2: I'm so sorry! I eventually lost touch with all my mainstream friends in hopes of meeting more like-minded ones. Sadly, I've only met a couple IRL. You guys are all I've got to reaffirm my non-mainstream birth beliefs!
post #5 of 23
1/10/06 at 3:02pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by chalynm
I know, I know...Everyone here already think we're nuts because we're planning a birth center birth. I can't imagine what they'd say if they knew we're now considering UC. What really gets me is the mainstreamers tend to be so critical, in my experience anyway. I don't agree w/ managed labor and delivery, but if that's what you feel is best for you, ok. Who am I to lecture you about how wrong that is, even if that's what I think? All I can really do is offer advice based on my knowledge and experience, if you're open to it. Not so w/ most mainstreamers, it seems. They seem to feel this compulsion to jam their beliefs down your throat. And if that doesn't work, they try to tear yours down. I know not everyone is that way, but that's been my experience. I'm so sick of people trying to tell me I'm being irresponsible because I'm not planning to birth w/i arm's reach of all the latest technology.

I didn't mean to whip out the soap box here. I probably sound just as bad as some of the mainstreamers...I think this post just caught me at a very emotionally intense moment. Sorry...
That has been my experience also. Not one time have I ever made a comment about their birth choices or their parenting choices for that matter, yet they still feel they need to comment on mine. It's all negative also. I don't agree with most of the things they do, but I haven't said a word. It pisses me off actually.

I don't think you sound as bad as a mainstreamer because you aren't saying this to their faces. You are just venting about it at a message board. That's totally different than making someone feel bad for their choices just because they are different from yours.

Again, why can't I find more women like you guys here to be friends with in real life?!
post #6 of 23
1/10/06 at 3:32pm
Yeah, I am so out of touch with mainstream that when I happen to end up reading a mainstream mag or website, I am like, 'wow, people don't all try to breastfeed?' or 'why on earth are they having a perfectly healthy delievery in a hospital?'.

We're UP/UC ing and I learned when we were still TTC to just say we're having midwife care for people IRL. Then when the start tellign me how dangerous a midwife is I am just puzzled

My favorite about home birth is, 'oh, if something happened you'd feel SO bad' yeah, like I'm not going to feel bad if my baby died or was in the NICU because they had a reaction to pitocin or the csection or the hep B vax that they gave...

Cara (who just says ummmm hmmmm when ever people what to talk about it!)
post #7 of 23
1/10/06 at 3:52pm
Excellent post, Chalynm!

I am so very thankful to have a board like this. You mamas rock!

And don't go wandering off again, OK?
post #8 of 23
1/10/06 at 3:56pm
Thread Starter 
Oh great...now I'm a bad mother and risking the life of my child! And I have not once insulted anyone on the board there. I've only provided evidence-based info and links from credible, reputable sources.
post #9 of 23
1/10/06 at 4:13pm
Thread Starter 
Last update on my wrong turn into mainstream-land:

The woman who was "debating" with me, actually, just trying to insult me, wasn't able to handle the facts and posted a "leaving the board" message.

Okay, now I'm done...
post #10 of 23
1/10/06 at 4:27pm
i'm bad. That made me laugh.

:

Cara
post #11 of 23
1/10/06 at 4:35pm
That's hilarious! That's so like my mom, actually, whenever she tries to discuss religion w/ me. She don't like to be confused by the facts (her words, not mine), so she gets upset and refuses to continue the discussion.

Kudos to you for standing your ground and not stooping to her level! Maybe some other on-the-fence mama will read your debate and feel empowered to try a more natural birth. Here's hoping...
post #12 of 23
1/10/06 at 4:40pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by chalynm
Maybe some other on-the-fence mama will read your debate and feel empowered to try a more natural birth. Here's hoping...

Actually, I'm one of those mamas who was "shown-the-light" in that way. I had barely heard of homebirth but had all the typical thoughts about it being crazy and unsafe. I was at that terrible mainstream messageboard w/ my first pregnancy and read a hosp/homebirth debate with an open-mind. After a little of my own research, I learned the wacko was right! I went on to have an amazing homebirth of my own.
post #13 of 23
1/10/06 at 4:43pm
I was one of those mamas, too! I used to be on another board and I "met" Darshani and Trishshack (both MDC mamas) and learned so much from them and then I followed them over here where I feel to much more accepted.
post #14 of 23
1/10/06 at 5:02pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by HomeBirthMommy
I was one of those mamas, too! I used to be on another board and I "met" Darshani and Trishshack (both MDC mamas) and learned so much from them and then I followed them over here where I feel to much more accepted.
The grass is so much greener over here.
post #15 of 23
1/10/06 at 5:26pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by jlpolzin
Great post Chalyn! So true.

GSMAMA2: I'm so sorry! I eventually lost touch with all my mainstream friends in hopes of meeting more like-minded ones. Sadly, I've only met a couple IRL. You guys are all I've got to reaffirm my non-mainstream birth beliefs!
I'm starting to loose touch with my friends now, but it's scary. I want an adult connection, you know? The good news is I just pm'd a mama that lives in my area, we're planning on getting together soon! Yay
post #16 of 23
1/10/06 at 5:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by jlpolzin
Last update on my wrong turn into mainstream-land:

The woman who was "debating" with me, actually, just trying to insult me, wasn't able to handle the facts and posted a "leaving the board" message.

Okay, now I'm done...
post #17 of 23
1/10/06 at 5:30pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by jlpolzin
Actually, I'm one of those mamas who was "shown-the-light" in that way. I had barely heard of homebirth but had all the typical thoughts about it being crazy and unsafe. I was at that terrible mainstream messageboard w/ my first pregnancy and read a hosp/homebirth debate with an open-mind. After a little of my own research, I learned the wacko was right! I went on to have an amazing homebirth of my own.

I'm a mama who's seen the light too! With DD I didn't even realize you could have a baby at home, let alone that women were actually doing it. After she was born though I started looking for something more than what I was finding at the mainstream messageboards. I was basically being told that everything that I was doing, you know AP, was wrong and I was damaging my child. How could doing what felt right and safe for my baby be damaging her. Then I found MDC and I was in ! I'm so thankful for all of you!
post #18 of 23
1/10/06 at 5:44pm
I read a mainstream board today where a poster mentioned she will be using the same dr as last time because he sneaks in a u/s at every visit. EVERY visit??? And this was a perfectly healthy pregnancy - not high risk. I just can't read them, it frustrates me.
post #19 of 23
1/10/06 at 7:13pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by belleandboo
I read a mainstream board today where a poster mentioned she will be using the same dr as last time because he sneaks in a u/s at every visit. EVERY visit??? And this was a perfectly healthy pregnancy - not high risk. I just can't read them, it frustrates me.
Some people are just control freaks like that. My SIL was certainly that way w/ both of hers. (I mentioned some of this in the over 35 mamas post.) They had just about every test known to man, even requested some the doctor didn't bring up right away. Everything had to be perfect. After her dd was born, all anybody talked about was what a trooper she was for being "forced to go through delivery w/ no drugs." I guess she had some grand plan for how the birth was supposed to go or something. Big whoop. She made a stupid decision and didn't make it to the hospital in time for an epi. As for me, my MIL told me not to tell anyone about my birth experience, particularly the fact that I didn't tear because no one she knew had ever delivered w/o tearing or needing stitches, and it would make them feel bad if I shared my experience. Grrrr...

Sorry...soap box again...
post #20 of 23
1/10/06 at 9:01pm
I feel pretty lucky, because I have a couple AP, homebirth friends IRL. Prior to my having Jadzia, I guess they figured I'm non-judgmental enough that they could share their choices with me and it really influenced me a lot. I have a couple friends who have the most wonderful children in the universe, and I decided I wanted to do exactly what they did. Turns out they extended BF, co-slept, etc.

Boy, did I get the doomsday scenario from mainstream friends and aquaintences during my first pregnancy. Some of the comments (about how I was risking my life and my child's life by not going to a hospital) I found really insulting because I felt like if they knew me at all, they knew I never make any decision rashly. If I was deciding to do this, it was because I thoroughly researched all the options and believed it was the best choice for me and my family. And I totally agree with Chalynm that the big thing for a lot of women is lack of self-confidence. They've been sold a bill of goods by modern society that they can't do it. They can't handle the pain, they can't do it without medicine and doctors and monitors and all that. I had a few women say, "Good for you having a natural birth. I know myself and I know I can't handle that kind of pain." As if I have some kind of abnormally high pain threshold. My DH will tell you I'm the biggest wimp alive. I'll whine for 3 days if the cat scratches me.

On kind of a funny note, my dad still doesn't get this at ALL. He tries to be understanding, and I think he's gotten used to the fact that I never do anything like "normal" people do, so he's stopped being shocked. But even after we had multiple conversations during my last pregnancy about why I was doing an out of hospital birth, as he was sitting there in the birth center holding my daughter, he was all, "so, why aren't we in a hospital?" When I tell him we're doing it at home this time, he's gonna be like, . My mom who died in 1996 I know would totally understand why I'm doing this. She was so open minded.
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