I'm not sure if this is where I should post this, but I don't know where else it might go.
A week before Christmas, my husband and I were coming home from his work Christmas party at 1:00 in the morning. As we neared the house we had bought 9 months previously, there were lights flashing from ambulance, police and fire trucks. A house was on fire. My husband and I both couldn't believe it, didn't want to believe it was our house, but we drove up and it was. He quickly parked, jumped out of the car and ran to the door right by where our puppies had their kennels. But he was too late. As he came back around the house to me, there were tears on his face and I just knew that our babies were dead. I cried hysterically for a while and even when I calmed down all I could think about was our dogs and how we hadn't been there to save them. I cried for hours that morning, mostly about the dogs.
When all was said and done, our house and everything in it was completely destroyed. What didn't burn (which wasn't much as the house was all wood construction that had "seasoned" for 110 years) was melted, flooded or frozen. (It was in the negatives somewhere that night. As they were still putting out the fire right near the front porch, the bushes in front of it were covered with ice. One of the firemen came up to the car as I sat in it that morning. He squated and the ice film covering him shattered.)
In most ways our lives will be better because of this disaster. Our house was a bit of a disaster before the fire as we bought it as a fixer-upper that we hadn't had as much time or money to fix up as we thought we would. Luckily it was insured for the replacement value which is well over what we owed on the mortgage. We can probably pay off the mortgage and buy a new house for the difference in the policy and what we owe. We have had so many donations from so many places that, where financially we were very tight before and had a number of outstanding loans, we will likely be able to pay off the majority of those loans and still be ahead financially. My husband is military and his squadron and the others on base have been collecting furniture and household needs since the fire and I've been told they have about 4 houses worth of stuff for us to choose from. Our insurance company has set us up with a very nice apartment that is not only closer to my DH work, but everything else as well. We also had personal property insurance for quite a bit, so anything that was in the house we will either be able to replace or get money for as well.
I'm currently 7 months pregnant and we have been given so much baby stuff that I would never have to wash baby clothes for the first 6 months of our child's life. I also have more maternity clothes than I ever had before. Everyone was a bit worried about us living in the house with a new baby as we were heating with a wood burning stove that really wasn't enough for the whole house, plus the many other things that needed to be done for the house to be truly safe for a baby and then a toddler. Now, our apartment is so baby friendly, it's amazing.
So we have come out of this so far ahead in so many ways, and yet there are days I just can't stop crying. I feel so ungrateful, becuase we have been so blessed. Most days I do completely fine and then days like yesterday pop up and I get so depressed I don't want to do anything or see anyone. I haven't been sleeping well (I wake up about every 1 to 2 hours from midnight on) and have strange dreams when I used to never remember the dreams I had.
The biggest thing is still our dogs. Since we have only one car and my husband is gone about 13 hours a day, I'm at "home" alone. I haven't not had a pet of my own in almost 6 years and we always had at least one growing up. It's so incredibly lonely without some animal companionship. I've been told by friends that when I feel lonely to come over (which I could couldn't anyways as I have no car), but I don't want people companionship, I want puppy love. I've even started looking into adopting a new critter. Though I'm not sure this is the best idea anyways, as I'm not over mourning the loss of my other two dogs, no one will let us adopt. I've contacted a number of rescues and shelters that I've found online and none will adopt to us since I'm 7 months pregnant and we live in an apartment. Many say they won't adopt to anyone with children under 3 or 7 or whatever. I don't really want to get a puppy, but the pet stores are the only places that will even consider me (since they are more concerned with profits than the happiness of the animals). So, even though I'm not sure I want to adopt yet (well, I want to, I just don't know if it's the right decision), the fact that I can't depresses me more and makes me more aware of the loneliness that I feel.
I guess my question after all that is, how do I get over feeling so bad. I know I have so much to be grateful for. Even focusing on the good things (like neither my husband nor myself having been in the house) doesn't make me feel better. I have some tendency to get depressed anyways, but stress tends to make it much worse. I just don't know how to manage my feelings. I don't think that feeling like this is good for myself or my baby, and for days I'll do fine, but then it hits me and I don't know how to make it better. I need to "get over" this, but I just don't know how... Please help!
A week before Christmas, my husband and I were coming home from his work Christmas party at 1:00 in the morning. As we neared the house we had bought 9 months previously, there were lights flashing from ambulance, police and fire trucks. A house was on fire. My husband and I both couldn't believe it, didn't want to believe it was our house, but we drove up and it was. He quickly parked, jumped out of the car and ran to the door right by where our puppies had their kennels. But he was too late. As he came back around the house to me, there were tears on his face and I just knew that our babies were dead. I cried hysterically for a while and even when I calmed down all I could think about was our dogs and how we hadn't been there to save them. I cried for hours that morning, mostly about the dogs.
When all was said and done, our house and everything in it was completely destroyed. What didn't burn (which wasn't much as the house was all wood construction that had "seasoned" for 110 years) was melted, flooded or frozen. (It was in the negatives somewhere that night. As they were still putting out the fire right near the front porch, the bushes in front of it were covered with ice. One of the firemen came up to the car as I sat in it that morning. He squated and the ice film covering him shattered.)
In most ways our lives will be better because of this disaster. Our house was a bit of a disaster before the fire as we bought it as a fixer-upper that we hadn't had as much time or money to fix up as we thought we would. Luckily it was insured for the replacement value which is well over what we owed on the mortgage. We can probably pay off the mortgage and buy a new house for the difference in the policy and what we owe. We have had so many donations from so many places that, where financially we were very tight before and had a number of outstanding loans, we will likely be able to pay off the majority of those loans and still be ahead financially. My husband is military and his squadron and the others on base have been collecting furniture and household needs since the fire and I've been told they have about 4 houses worth of stuff for us to choose from. Our insurance company has set us up with a very nice apartment that is not only closer to my DH work, but everything else as well. We also had personal property insurance for quite a bit, so anything that was in the house we will either be able to replace or get money for as well.
I'm currently 7 months pregnant and we have been given so much baby stuff that I would never have to wash baby clothes for the first 6 months of our child's life. I also have more maternity clothes than I ever had before. Everyone was a bit worried about us living in the house with a new baby as we were heating with a wood burning stove that really wasn't enough for the whole house, plus the many other things that needed to be done for the house to be truly safe for a baby and then a toddler. Now, our apartment is so baby friendly, it's amazing.
So we have come out of this so far ahead in so many ways, and yet there are days I just can't stop crying. I feel so ungrateful, becuase we have been so blessed. Most days I do completely fine and then days like yesterday pop up and I get so depressed I don't want to do anything or see anyone. I haven't been sleeping well (I wake up about every 1 to 2 hours from midnight on) and have strange dreams when I used to never remember the dreams I had.
The biggest thing is still our dogs. Since we have only one car and my husband is gone about 13 hours a day, I'm at "home" alone. I haven't not had a pet of my own in almost 6 years and we always had at least one growing up. It's so incredibly lonely without some animal companionship. I've been told by friends that when I feel lonely to come over (which I could couldn't anyways as I have no car), but I don't want people companionship, I want puppy love. I've even started looking into adopting a new critter. Though I'm not sure this is the best idea anyways, as I'm not over mourning the loss of my other two dogs, no one will let us adopt. I've contacted a number of rescues and shelters that I've found online and none will adopt to us since I'm 7 months pregnant and we live in an apartment. Many say they won't adopt to anyone with children under 3 or 7 or whatever. I don't really want to get a puppy, but the pet stores are the only places that will even consider me (since they are more concerned with profits than the happiness of the animals). So, even though I'm not sure I want to adopt yet (well, I want to, I just don't know if it's the right decision), the fact that I can't depresses me more and makes me more aware of the loneliness that I feel.
I guess my question after all that is, how do I get over feeling so bad. I know I have so much to be grateful for. Even focusing on the good things (like neither my husband nor myself having been in the house) doesn't make me feel better. I have some tendency to get depressed anyways, but stress tends to make it much worse. I just don't know how to manage my feelings. I don't think that feeling like this is good for myself or my baby, and for days I'll do fine, but then it hits me and I don't know how to make it better. I need to "get over" this, but I just don't know how... Please help!
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved companions.
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