I like the thoughts you had fuller2, about being the model. I agree. There is the model that I feel I must live up to. Really, it's an unrealistic model, but then there's the constant training I had growing up. My mom (my step-mom really, but she' my mother in my heart
) kept a perfect house. She took a shower every evening about 4pm, did her hair, makeup, got dressed...all for my dad. She vacuumed under the furniture every single week. She had this great routine for laundry, each child had a day that was theirs to change their sheets, so she had one set of sheets to wash per day along with the whites. She did two loads of laundry every single day. I'm from a family of eight.
. We Always had full dinners, including a salad. My father's discipline was..........very very hard.
And Here's me. I don't do laundry every day. But then it piles up and I feel like a jerk, so I do 6-7 loads in one day...get overwhelmed by it, leave the clean clothes in the basket, take them as we need them....you get the picture.
Many, many days, I don't feel like cooking. Or more likely, cleaning the mess from cooking. I don't like to dust.
So, that feeling of "less than" good enough that I was talking about in a previous post? It's constant. Truly. It's always riding back there, in the back of my mind....
The last several days I have been making more of an effort to keep up with the house, the laundry. After my fiasco in the playroom last week, I have taken one room per day. Today was the laundry room. All the blankets that have been clean and folded on the floor got picked up and put away. The odd mittens, gloves, socks that have been piling up? Organize and sort, threw away the ones I couldn't find the matches for. It's strange how just having my house more organized, so that feeling of "less than" isn't right under the surface, has helped me deal with my children.
AND, I'm finding that I don't feel guilty for asking them to help me. Previously, when it was time to go somewhere, we would leave the house. Now, 20-30 minutes before it's time to leave, we start straightening. If the train set is out, it gets put away. If we've been reading, the books get put up. It sounds completely logical, and it used to be the norm, but this depression that I'm struggling with has made even small tasks like that seem.....impossible.
So, now, we don't leave until the house is straight. And *that* has made a world of difference. Because I don't walk in thinking "I'm a failure, just look at this house." So, the rage is further away, because I'm not feeling horrible about myself. It is going to be a long road, but somehow, I feel like I've turned a corner. I am taking better care of myself, eating healthier instead of sitting and wallowing in everything, and how messy the house is and how far behind I am on the laundry, and just what a sucky mother I am.....I get up. I do something, anything. One little thing that needed to be done, it gets done, and then I can feel better.
Not sure if this made one bit of sense. Rambling.