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Parenting and Rage - Page 6

post #101 of 1766
checking in- had a good day- played with ds a bit- it was fun...
when he threw a fit about the ONLY pair of socks i could find- i told him he could either wear them- or none at all. we took them off-then put them back on- i did not lose it- i was happy about that.
post #102 of 1766

a parable

There was an Indian Elder talking to a child.
The child was listening intently as the elder spoke.
The elder said,
"Inside me I have two animals.
I have a wolf that is angry and eating away at me, constantly full of hatred, tearing away at my soul.
I also have an eagle that is full of knowledge and understanding, bringing peace to my life and my heart.
They are always in a constant battle.
Fighting over who will be in control of me."
The little boy asked,
"Which one will win?"
The elder said,
"The one that I feed."
post #103 of 1766
I am not white but but 4th generation Japanese American--it does not mean that I have people falling all over themselves to help me out, it is exactly the opposite. I even live with my parents but because I feel the need to do everything myself (and no one can do it better than me) they don't even offer to watch dd. I think all women, esp. those in the US, regardless of race or culture, have the same isolation issues that we all have. I sure wished I lived in a village but then again I am not always the person to reach out to others to create those relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuller2
Another thing--I would bet that almost everyone here is white and middle class?? My understanding is that this group tends to be more accepting, even promoting, of the doing-it-all-alone ideal--that other cultural groups tend to share child care with family members, friends etc. a lot more. (Rich people just hire nannies.) Anybody with insight there? Something to think about is that most of the middle-class lifestyle--the single family home, 3 fancy meals a day, separate rooms for each child, living room, dining room, tons of toys, dishes, carpeting, different clothes for each occasion, etc., was developed in the 19th century--when everyone who had these things also had a couple of live-in servants to take care of it all. We still have the model, but are expected to do it all without the servants.
post #104 of 1766
*
post #105 of 1766
I'm just really appreciating people talking about this -- i agree with others that it is helpful for me to think of other mothers in this thread when i am having struggles with anger.
post #106 of 1766
Im checking in!!Wow, I have had some good days..ds is sleeping for once again and is being sweet and cuddly. DH surprised me with a makeover(whats he trying to say, that he doesnt like my jogging suits and pj look? lol) and I feel fantastic!!! Went to dr today and am having a fasting blood test to see if thyroid is acting up. My rage is under raps for now, but I am sure it will be coming back soon.DS is still not eating good though.
My friend had a baby sat and i have been sad, I want one!!! But cant have any right now due to moving issues and dh being a non helping person(thats a whole other issue in itself and probably a lot of my rage issues) hope everyone is doing well, im off to bed!
post #107 of 1766
I had another good day today. I have been more patient than usual, and as a result my dd1 has been more cooperative than normal.

Could it be because my Zoloft dosage was recently increased? Perhaps. Hey, whatever works at this poiunt. I just want to be a good mama.

must run, baby's upset at something.
post #108 of 1766
I like the thoughts you had fuller2, about being the model. I agree. There is the model that I feel I must live up to. Really, it's an unrealistic model, but then there's the constant training I had growing up. My mom (my step-mom really, but she' my mother in my heart ) kept a perfect house. She took a shower every evening about 4pm, did her hair, makeup, got dressed...all for my dad. She vacuumed under the furniture every single week. She had this great routine for laundry, each child had a day that was theirs to change their sheets, so she had one set of sheets to wash per day along with the whites. She did two loads of laundry every single day. I'm from a family of eight. . We Always had full dinners, including a salad. My father's discipline was..........very very hard.

And Here's me. I don't do laundry every day. But then it piles up and I feel like a jerk, so I do 6-7 loads in one day...get overwhelmed by it, leave the clean clothes in the basket, take them as we need them....you get the picture. Many, many days, I don't feel like cooking. Or more likely, cleaning the mess from cooking. I don't like to dust.

So, that feeling of "less than" good enough that I was talking about in a previous post? It's constant. Truly. It's always riding back there, in the back of my mind....

The last several days I have been making more of an effort to keep up with the house, the laundry. After my fiasco in the playroom last week, I have taken one room per day. Today was the laundry room. All the blankets that have been clean and folded on the floor got picked up and put away. The odd mittens, gloves, socks that have been piling up? Organize and sort, threw away the ones I couldn't find the matches for. It's strange how just having my house more organized, so that feeling of "less than" isn't right under the surface, has helped me deal with my children. AND, I'm finding that I don't feel guilty for asking them to help me. Previously, when it was time to go somewhere, we would leave the house. Now, 20-30 minutes before it's time to leave, we start straightening. If the train set is out, it gets put away. If we've been reading, the books get put up. It sounds completely logical, and it used to be the norm, but this depression that I'm struggling with has made even small tasks like that seem.....impossible.

So, now, we don't leave until the house is straight. And *that* has made a world of difference. Because I don't walk in thinking "I'm a failure, just look at this house." So, the rage is further away, because I'm not feeling horrible about myself. It is going to be a long road, but somehow, I feel like I've turned a corner. I am taking better care of myself, eating healthier instead of sitting and wallowing in everything, and how messy the house is and how far behind I am on the laundry, and just what a sucky mother I am.....I get up. I do something, anything. One little thing that needed to be done, it gets done, and then I can feel better.

Not sure if this made one bit of sense. Rambling.
post #109 of 1766
Just wanted to check in here as well. You ladies have lots of interesting thoughts...I definitely agree with you APMom98 about roll models, I am always amazed at how my grandmother had 5 kids in 7 years, and just is so patient and kind and wonderful, always had dinner on the table. And she also helped bail her in-laws out when their vending business had problems, making 300 sandwiches a week Now I watch her with my girls, and in 5 minutes she's teaching them more than I have in a week, and I'm just amazed!

But it's the little things that help me feel better...the little accomplishments. I've been doing a lot better because I got more sleep, but I get very easily set off by my family. I've got a doula client (my second, I'm working on certification) due April 22nd, and I reminded my mom about it today, because she had agreed to watch the girls for the birth, and I'm paying her the money from my client. She said, "You're on your own with this one." and just walked off...the panic, the frustration, all these horrible feelings filled me up. I just get so overwhelmed when she does that stuff with me, but whenever I say I don't get the help I need with the girls she says all you have to do is ask, you're just complaining . Mom issues...I thought once I got divorced things would be easier because there were no h issues, but the mom issues run deeper. And when I get so overwhelmed like that, it makes me much less patient with the kids. ARrrgh. But I did pretty well tonight, just speaking, ahem, rather firmly rather than yelling. And now they're dreaming peacefully and I can recoup.
post #110 of 1766
Hi Ladies,

My husband is out of town this week, so I don't have much time to read through and respond to individual posts. Just know that you all are in my thoughts. I look forward to being able to read through everything more carefully, when he returns.
post #111 of 1766
Checking in- started taking my Lexapro yesterday....
we will have to see....
post #112 of 1766
Subscribing. Not raised in an abusive home (though it was an alcoholic one) but I can relate.
post #113 of 1766
Well so much for my good days. DH is REALLY getting on my nerves more than ever. He seems to think that because he works, he doesnt have to do anything at all ever. It really makes me so resentful, but i dont say anything. I dont want this massive argument, he is starting to grate me down. He doesnt even go and pour himself a drink anymore when hes thirsty, thats my job! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I have a lot of issues with dh, who i do love, but he is so selfish it is unbelievable. I will not ever have another child due to being married to him. Thats another thing that really makes me angry. ds is back to 4am wake up calls and i know today is going to be bad. give me strength mamas.
post #114 of 1766
Hey Fedup, I hope you had a good day today.

Mine sucked. Dd1 woke up at 2:30am and did not want to go back to sleep. She finally went back to sleep around 3:45. Then everyone was up at 6. I was VERY tired and out of it all day.

Dh is still out of town.

Dd1 had I had a really bad time tonight. She kept whining and flailing about around bedtime. She was overtired, yet refused to settle down. I lost my temper and screamed at her several times. I know I frightened her. I apoogized afer I cooled down, and told her that I was not being a good mama tonight. She agreed. I've been generally grumpy and annoyed with her all day. It's been one of those days where I wish I could stay in bed and not get up. I'm super-tired, and I look forward to my husband coming home (tomorrow night).

Hope everyone else had a better day than I did.
post #115 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by annakiss
Just last week after a bad day, my husband came home and first words out of his mouth were, "do you like being a SAHM?" I was hurt and offended and angry. I said that that was about 12 steps beyond where I was at at that moment. I think the question is valid, but it really didn't address anything at all. I did answer it though. I said I don't want my kids in school, I don't want my kids in daycare and I don't want to work outside of the home (the more I thought about it, the more being a WOHM just sounded that much harder, even with a break from my kids). And I do like being a SAHM. I told him it's just that no one is supposed to do it this way. We're not supposed to be one lone woman by herself cooped up in a house in the city (or the suburbs) with very small children for hours and hours on end. It's not supposed to work like that. We're social creatures and need a tribe. What I create with playgroups and outings is not remotely the same thing either. I am still some days in my house trying to keep our life together. I am still isolated and alone. There isn't anyone next door that I can talk to. It's all across town; my family is hours away. It's just not supposed to be like this.

Yet my husband wants always simple solutions for simple problems. Our life and my rage is just not that way.

My therapist and I did talk about this rage last week. Her solution was bizarrely simple and therefor somewhat surprising, though not entirely out of line. Her solution was that since I know that I have a limit, I should just avoid getting there. She said to get a babysitter. I would love to get a babysitter, but I am not from here and it's a lot more complicated when you hardly know anyone. And also it's just not always practical to have a daily afternoon coffee break with myself while the babysitter watches the kids. That hardly even makes sense to me. My second question to her was supposing I could get a babysitter, what exactly would I do? She said I could go shopping by myself. Which sucks, because as a modern, nuclear mom in the burbs, all I can do is shop. I used to go shopping with DS1 when he was a baby during the day because I didn't really know what else I could do. Why is that the only option? Consume more....

I'm totally babbling. I'm not sure if any of what I said is relevant even. :
I have been lurking on this thread for awhile, reading it hit and miss, and trying to come to grips with my own rage. This post, I could have written. I am so alone, so isolated, and it's so not meant to be that way. But how do we get out of that? We can't force friendships, we can't create a support network out of thin air. So what do we do?

So many good posts on this thread. Thank you, mamas, for your honesty and your insight.
post #116 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boadicea
I have been lurking on this thread for awhile, reading it hit and miss, and trying to come to grips with my own rage. This post, I could have written. I am so alone, so isolated, and it's so not meant to be that way. But how do we get out of that? We can't force friendships, we can't create a support network out of thin air. So what do we do?

So many good posts on this thread. Thank you, mamas, for your honesty and your insight.
Yeah that, to everything you and annakiss have written. I am too tired to write any coherent response, so I appreciate reading everyone else's insights.

One thing that has helped me tremendously is going to a homeschooling coop twice a week. That's two days out of the week where I am around a bunch of other mamas and their children. Everyone helps everyone else. We stay for an hour or 5 hours, depending on the day and how my kids are doing. It's really nice.
post #117 of 1766
i have been doing very well lately. just no rage for some reason. i wish i could figure it out. i do know this, i not only feel no rage, but, i actually feel different. like, something in my brain is calm which isn’t always calm. i haven’t had any migraines lately so wonder if it has anything to do with that. but, the weather here has been beautiful and the boys are outside playing almost all day (i do enjoy the country life sometimes, usually it leaves me feeling isolated and inadequate.)

FEDUP: i am sorry things are so rough. your name suits you. and while i am sure you know this and have heard this: You have a very important job and you do not need to babysit your husband. I have a lot to say on the matter of husbands. I tend to think they sometimes go through a bit of a strange transition when babies happen. But, in the meantime please know that you don’t do nothing all day, you do tons. I had a problem with this as well and decided, finally, that it was better to talk to my dh about it. I was feeling too resentful and it was affecting my work (staying home with boys all day). Things in this department couldn’t be better for me now but it is mostly just because of talking talking talking. Not much really changed, not much can. It is just good to know your dh understands the challenges you face. I would be happy to talk with you more about this if you would like, pm me or post or whatever.

pbandj: i don’t think a village would help me much either, i have been raised to be very reclusive.

i think fuller2, you hit on a lot of good points in your post. of course it is impossible to generalize about the social status or race of people but it is a common way of trying to get to the bottom of something. i am constantly amazed at the commonalities between people i have never seen; i guess i tend to visualize everyone as a version of myself. i think you hit on a far greater point which is that this rage/loneliness issue has nothing to do with race or class at all; the isolation hits all of us regardless, because of all the points you mentioned.

RedWine: i like reading your posts. it is comforting to me to know others go through the same seemingly random ups and downs.

APMom98: as i have said previously, i don’t clean. my laundry is exactly like yours. amazing. i think i must struggle with depression, because when i feel good i don’t care if the house is messy. when i feel like crap, well, i feel like crap and i care.
Quote:
So, now, we don't leave until the house is straight. And *that* has made a world of difference. Because I don't walk in thinking "I'm a failure, just look at this house." So, the rage is further away, because I'm not feeling horrible about myself.
Do you feel like you go through sort of extreme ups and downs? like, you can go crazy cleaning for a couple weeks and then let it all slip for a couple? i don’t know, i do this. it seems sometimes like it goes together. like if i feel good then i do good, if i feel bad then i don’t do good. i can’t seem to feel bad and do good at the same time.

Jster: Are you saying that you are paying your mom to watch the kids but she isn’t going to do it? Is that nuts? That just doesn’t seem fair to me. I have such a hard time being nice to my boys after my mom has been around. I really feel that for me, she is a big big big issue. I talked to her about my childhood and in response to the rage thing she said, “i yelled at you girls so much i raged everyday i am sure, i don’t even remember it because it was so common.” so, i guess i have a bit of a role model problem.

Emilie: pardon my ignorance, but what is lexapro? good luck with it, i'd be curious to know if it helps any.

Okay, sorry for long post. i finally got to the computer, i’ve been crazy quilting for a few days.

You are all in my thoughts. I wish you calm and patience.
post #118 of 1766
wow i got lots to say today, ill get back to everyone later. i am going swimming with ds for a bit. see ya later, hope everyone is ok today!
post #119 of 1766

Well..

Today has been ok. I finally made a point to call the doctor and make an appointment for myself. I really need to get my depression under control. I know that some of it is realy about the PCOS and the fact that it is getting worse instead of better. I even squeeze in exercise in the morning during DS nap and also eat wonderfully..and I do mean that...and still I am now considered morbidly obese. How ugly of a term? My face is breaking out constantly now and I have tons of hair growing everywhere it's not supposed to. I feel ugly and in turn it makes me mad. Mad at DH, DS, the world. The options are now limited to dealing with all of this or getting the evil gastric bypass. I hate and loath that thought. My DH is really supportive of everything and goes through all of the research with me, but it is so hard to feel pretty for him. So hard to try and try and still fail. I plan on getting bloodwork done in order to start the process which will take a couple years usually anyway, but I really want to BF as long as possible. Unfortunately I have been feeling guilty about the fact that I keep thinking that if I wasn't BF, then I could take care of me, because everything I can do..I can't do because of BF. I feel horrid for thinking this, but I know that this time is precious for DS and if its the only thing I can offer to prevent against such bad genes, then so be it. I guess today is just a pondering day, thinking of how I would be if I had all of this under control. All of the rage, the PCOS, everything. I feel like it will never happen, but I need to talk to the doctor about something for depression. I got the RR, but it is not helping like I thought it would...maybe I am just a lost cause. I feel like I am spinning out of control sometimes. I hate feeling so mad and frustrated so much. Each day, DH comes home and says "Was it a good day?" How sad that he can be so concerned and I still want to hit him for not helping enoough...ugggh....enough ranting for today. Back to lurking
post #120 of 1766
Things were much better today. I was able to be firm during dd1's usual tantrums without raising my voice. Bedtime went very smoothly. We had a good day at the Science Museum, which dd1 loves.

I hate the guilt, though. I hate wondering if, in the grand scheme of theings, I'm a good mama or a crappy mama. I'm doing the best I can. I hope that's enough.
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