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Parenting and Rage - Page 59

post #1161 of 1766
I REALLY struggle with feelings of rage.
I havn't been able to read through the whole thread yet but wanted post rather then lurk

I have been working with a fantastic therapist for about 10 months. Things are improving but the progress is inconcievably slow.
post #1162 of 1766
My 23mo ds sometimes makes me want to scream and throw things. I yell more than I want to. I am sometimes ever-so-slightly too rough when relocating his thrashing body during a tantrum.

My good mommy mantra (which I repeat when I'm totally at the end of my rope) is: Forgive and Hug. Forgive and Hug. Forgive and Hug.

And when my back is aching from trying to get ds to sleep, my jaw is aching from a merry punch in the chin, etc, I remind myself: Someday soon, this time with him will be over and he will be gone... Grown up and married and living somewhere else. So hug him while I can.

But parenting a toddler is hard, hard, hard. I think everybody who tries it should recieve a medal for heroism.
post #1163 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hippie Mama in MI View Post
But parenting a toddler is hard, hard, hard. I think everybody who tries it should recieve a medal for heroism.
holla to that. :


(nice sig, btw. )
post #1164 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hippie Mama in MI View Post
My 23mo ds sometimes makes me want to scream and throw things. I yell more than I want to. I am sometimes ever-so-slightly too rough when relocating his thrashing body during a tantrum.

My good mommy mantra (which I repeat when I'm totally at the end of my rope) is: Forgive and Hug. Forgive and Hug. Forgive and Hug.

And when my back is aching from trying to get ds to sleep, my jaw is aching from a merry punch in the chin, etc, I remind myself: Someday soon, this time with him will be over and he will be gone... Grown up and married and living somewhere else. So hug him while I can.

But parenting a toddler is hard, hard, hard. I think everybody who tries it should recieve a medal for heroism.
Your whole post makes me want to cry. So beautiful, so true. Thank you.
post #1165 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hippie Mama in MI View Post
I remind myself: Someday soon, this time with him will be over and he will be gone... Grown up and married and living somewhere else. So hug him while I can.
.
Such a smart wise mama.

If you can stay in the "today could be our last" mind frame, that is also what works best for us. (Or as you stated it before, this too shall pass.)

post #1166 of 1766
i have been struggling with this lately and i want, i NEED, to change. are there any books or something tangible that i can do at home that will help me? i need to learn to not allow things to bother me so much. i have a very short fuse right now, and i need to make it longer!
post #1167 of 1766
"anger" by thich nhat hanh is pretty rockin.
post #1168 of 1766
I looooooove Time Out For Parents: A Guide to Compassionate Parenting by Cheri Huber. Simple, quick read. It's all about taking care of ourselves, and letting go of the self-talk that leads to anger. About being gentle with ourselves so that we're able to be gentle with our children.

Thich Nhat Hanh's Anger is good too. I also really like his Peace Is Every Step (from whence I got my favoritest most helpful quote ever: "When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change."). (moms are the lettuce, too. So no self-blame or shoulding on yourself.)
post #1169 of 1766
This last year since my son ws born has been very trying. with several rage incidents. I am so sad that my son has seen so much anger towards his sister. She is a very intense and high need child who was not ready to share mom and I have not dealt well with it all of the time. I am in the process of changeing alot in our lives to help with this.

Things that have worked:
Waldorf style parenting with routines, little or no tv and natural open ended toys. This has helped her feel better a day to day basis. She also is much more imaginative and less aggresive.

I have moved a little aways from all the AP stuff. I feel the ideals are great but the results we are seeing are less then desirable.

I have read over 20 books on all different child and parenting related topics. I really like The Love and Logic books and feel that I am finally finding something that helps all of us in teh house stay calm and it also actually works.

If anyone has things that work for them I would love to hear about them.
post #1170 of 1766
This article http://www.scottnoelle.com/parenting/unconditional.htm made me feel a lot calmer last week and so far the calm feeling is holding. There are other reasons for that too, but that's one that I can share online.
post #1171 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by sledg View Post
I also really like his Peace Is Every Step (from whence I got my favoritest most helpful quote ever: "When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change."). (moms are the lettuce, too. So no self-blame or shoulding on yourself.)
This rocks.
post #1172 of 1766
I may have posted this before, but it bears repeating: www.byronkatie.com and also there's a thread called A Worldwide Peace Movement in this forum for people doing her work. Wonderful and very freeing. I am a mama with older ones, and if there's any advice I'd give it would be to remember it's all temporary.
post #1173 of 1766
subbing
post #1174 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anodyne View Post
Things that have worked:
Waldorf style parenting with routines, little or no tv and natural open ended toys. This has helped her feel better a day to day basis. She also is much more imaginative and less aggresive.

I have moved a little aways from all the AP stuff. I feel the ideals are great but the results we are seeing are less then desirable.
Hi, I would be interested to hear about the results that you were not happy with Re: AP... this is a debate in our household, with me leaning towards AP and not sure how rhythm can be introduced sensitively... but I am also sure it has much to offer (I come from a Waldorf home)

Thanks
post #1175 of 1766

Finally! Now I know I'm not crazy and not alone!

I wish I had found this thread long ago! Now I know I'm not alone in my "mommy rage." Thank you all for your postings that have helped me. Now let me share some things so maybe I can help you.

1) Zoloft - now I know many of you may be against using antidepressants or other medication to deal with this issue. I know I was at first. I always equated depression with sadness, not with anger or rage. But when my OB-GYN suggested it and a follow-up with a psychologist confirmed it, I decided to give Zoloft a try. The change that Zoloft made was not huge, it was very subtle. It did not change the way I thought or felt really, but this is what I noticed. The little things that used to really get under my skin now roll off my back. I thought it wasn't working at first, so I stopped taking it and that is when I noticed the difference. Things started getting under my skin again! It is just a little tool to help us hang on!

2) A previous post mentioned this, but I'll back it up. LOVE and LOGIC!! Check out loveandlogic.com. The Love and Logic parenting method is GREAT! I went to a seminar last fall and am attending another one this month. The methods are priceless, the materials are entertaining, and it really works. It teaches you how to just go "brain-dead" and use a prepared phrase with the kid and how to balance out control and lots more! Love it. It is the only parenting method that both my DH and I have ever been able to agree on. The basic premise is to deliver strong consequences to children's bad decisions with empathy and love, not anger and yelling.

3) Children's Miracle Music. Check out childrensmiraclemusic.com
This product is a "game" that comes w/ a morning CD and an evening CD and a points chart. Every day you put the CD on and it guides the kids through their morning and evening routines w/ a cheerful voice and fun, upbeat songs. They earn points toward a "private date" with their parent. This product has taken all the yelling, threatening, stalling, and crying out of our morning and evening routines. Love it!
post #1176 of 1766
This was a revelation I had recently, not so much about rage specifically but anger in general.

My dad was not abusive, but he was emotionally absent as an alcoholic and depressed person. I knew he loved me, but I didn't know him, on the whole. Anyway, the older I got, the worse his alcoholism got. I was about 10 or 11 when the dx of alcoholism was officially made, and by that time I learned to react to him with ANGER. That is how I wanted to CONTROL him, to try to get him to stop being an alcoholic. I thought, if I just get mad enough, he will stop.

I remember when I was 13, yelling at him, telling him that if he didn't stop drinking, the next dress I would be buying would be for his funeral. I wasn't threatening that I'd hurt him, I was predicting that it would kill him. And guess what? It came true. I was 13 when he died. Not from something specifically related to alcoholism, but a health problem that was probably exacerbated by it.

So, now I realize . . .that is what I learned. Anger is an attempt at control. This lie still resides in my brain: "Maybe if I get angry enough, I can control what is actually not in my control." This lie is played out again and again, and of course . . .never works. But maybe I'm still that 13 yo, trying to fix what I can't fix, what I could never fix. It's obviously time for me to put that lie to rest.
post #1177 of 1766
Oh God, after probably my most horrible day ever with my 6-year-old, I need to be here so badly. I don't have the strength to talk much about it right now, but I think I probably made him feel like the smallest, most insignificant person on the planet today (alternating between ignoring him and scolding him). Thanks so much for this thread. I'll be reading and lurking until I feel like I have something to contribute.
post #1178 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
Oh God, after probably my most horrible day ever with my 6-year-old, I need to be here so badly. I don't have the strength to talk much about it right now, but I think I probably made him feel like the smallest, most insignificant person on the planet today (alternating between ignoring him and scolding him). Thanks so much for this thread. I'll be reading and lurking until I feel like I have something to contribute.
I had one of those days this week too. It sucks mama, I know.
post #1179 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
Oh God, after probably my most horrible day ever with my 6-year-old, I need to be here so badly. I don't have the strength to talk much about it right now, but I think I probably made him feel like the smallest, most insignificant person on the planet today (alternating between ignoring him and scolding him). Thanks so much for this thread. I'll be reading and lurking until I feel like I have something to contribute.
I'm so sorry. I'm sure we've all been there and know how you feel. I hope things are going a bit better now.
post #1180 of 1766

i did what i swore i would never do

my mom hit all five of her children frequently and with vigor. i vowed when my dd (now almost 3 and my only child) was born that i would never spank or strike her, but i broke my promise last night.

for about the past year, dd has grown increasingly impatient with me. i have posted before about her preference for her papa and was reassured that it was normal since i am her primary caregiver. but it's gotten beyond mere preference at this point. at nearly every step of the way i am met with resistance to my requests. i have used every approach across the spectrum to get her to cooperate with me--i try to make them fun or a surprise, or i act nonchalant, or i become stern. still i get the knee-jerk "no" response and subsequent struggle. if i say i'm going to leave without her, she'll say she wants to come and will cooperate for a second, but then run away or refuse to let me put her shoes on or something. just getting out of the house to go to the market or even mail a letter has become a chore and i sometimes just give up altogether because i cannot handle the lack of cooperation. she doesn't do this with dh.

then there's the fact that dd feels free to haul off and belt me or throw things at me when she's frustrated. the other day she threw a wooden box at my hand and cut my finger. again, i have tried every trick in the book to teach her that this is beyond not okay. i have gently taken her hands and had her pat me while saying, "we are gentle with mama," and "we don't hit." i have also broken down in tears to show her that it hurts me and my feelings when she does this. dh also intervenes and reinforces my approach and the message that it is not okay to hurt mama. sometimes she'll show remorse and say she's sorry, and although the frequency of these incidents has subsided slightly, she still attempts to give me a whack nearly every day. my mother, of course, keeps telling me i need to hit her back and she'll stop.

last night i reached the end of my rope. my husband was working late and i was trying to get dd ready for a tub. i somehow managed to get her clothes off, but she kept running away from me. so, i knelt down to her eye level to try to talk with her and she walked right up to me and gave me an open-hand slap right in the face. i was absolutely blinded with anger and frustration and turned her around and gave her one quick smack on her bare bum. she looked so shocked and began to cry really, really hard. i drew her close and hugged her tight while i explained how much i love her and how sorry i was that i had done that, but that she has to understand that she can no longer hit mama. i told her i didn't want to ever do that to her again, and that she could help me by listening to me and not hitting me anymore. i held her for a long time until she stopped crying and told her repeatedly how much i love her. (incidentally, this has seemingly had no immediate effect on her since she hit me again this morning.)

so now i feel just terrible. i love this little person more than i could ever explain, and i work so hard to make sure her childhood reality is nothing like my own dysfunctional experience. but sometimes i feel so angry and frustrated that she outright rejects me on so many levels. i have tried not to take it personally since i know that her age predisposes her to being challenging, but it is so hard. and now i let my rage overtake me and i spanked her--giving her the confusing message that it's not okay for her to hit me, but i can hit her.

will she ever forgive me? or will i ever forgive myself?
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