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Parenting and Rage - Page 63

post #1241 of 1766
Are they getting enough sleep?
post #1242 of 1766
they sleep about 10 hours a night, they go to bed at 7pm and are alseep by 8 and wake up (on their own) at 6am

so yes a good amount of sleep, and they eat a healthy diet as well
post #1243 of 1766
Hi all. I'm new to this thread. I am so sad that I'm having issues with this. I'm trying so hard. My dd has been pushing my buttons so much lately and I haven't been treating her with as much respect as she deserves. My problem stems from an anger management issue I've had most of my life. I've made soooo much improvement in the last few years. My mom was really authoritarian so if I didn't listen I got spanked and was pretty much compliant until I was a teen. I see the horrors of her parenting style in myself and my siblings and I'm scared of creating an emotionally turbulent home for my kids.

For the most part I'm great mom. I've noticed that I'm a bit of a control freak and I get short on patience when dd (3) doesn't listen. She will for instance poop on the potty and then want to go right back to playing w/out getting wiped. We get into a power struggle, she's screaming and I'm firmly raising my voice and wanting (but not!) to spank because that's how it was handled when I was a kid. I have to physically pick her up and try to get the poop off and in the midst of her tantrum I step on her hand and she's screaming "ow you're hurting me", which probably has the neighbors thinking I'm abusing her because I'm sure they heard me shout. I feel so upset. Then we have our other struggles and during those times I find myself threatening to not let her go do something fun or to take away toys or putting her in time out when I could be working through the issues. Sometimes I feel so angry at her and myself and I can't shake that feeling.

She doesn't listen very well and my most used line these days is "your not listening!" I hate saying that. I hate losing my temper and yelling. I want to be GD and work through it all without yelling. Yesterday and today were really hard days for us. I feel like a failure of a parent today. The worst part is when I vow to not get mad and I do. It is getting better, but I wish that change could be instantaneous for my sake as well as hers. I need help of understanding how to get her to do what she needs to do. I worry that I'm not patient enough for full on GD. I feel like she is always pushing the limit with everything. I need to increase my patience. I love her so much and want her to be treated nicely all the time, even when she's driving me crazy.

Wow! That's alot of rambling but it helped to get it out. Thanks for listening.
post #1244 of 1766
First, to you, springmama!!!!

Second, I understand completely where you're coming from. When we've been raised in a less than ideal (to put it nicely) environment, it feels almost impossible to overcome those surges of rage that naturally rise up in us when dealing with our own kids. I also know the guilt and agony of regret in harming my child (physically, emotionally, mentally) during that rage although it doesn't stop me from seeing RED when the situation happens.

I've been reading Pam Leo's "Connection Parenting" (http://www.connectionparenting.com/) and have found it to be a WONDERFUL compilation of all my favorite GD (love over fear-based parenting approach) books. I noticed some of your words like, "My dd has been pushing my buttons so much lately" and "I feel like she is always pushing the limit with everything" - those tell me that it is definitely time for you to gain some new perspective. I'm so happy you came to the thread. There has been some GREAT advice throughout the thread and I hope you've been able to read it and can then go obtain some of the resources given.

Finally, remember that you are absolutely doing the best you can with what you have right now. Get some more resources (which you're already doing since you're here and reaching out!), give yourself some breathing room to calm yourself and forgive yourself, create as many positive, loving moments as possible with your daughter and know that things CAN improve.

ETA: A brief statement I've found to be extraordinarily helpful for ME when my kids do something "wrong" has been to say with the utmost sympathy and outloud, "Wow, it is tough to be [2, 8, 9] years old" because it IS tough and saying it outloud is to remind ME that they are just a kid. I've also seen this help my husband who was severely abused in his childhood - when he hears me saying this to the kids, it de-escalates and heads off our anger at the situation and reminds us that these are JUST little kids.
post #1245 of 1766
Quote:
I hate losing my temper and yelling. I want to be GD and work through it all without yelling.
Try this thread! http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hlight=bumping

Sledg has a lot of wisdom about *not* focusing on the yelling, and *not* judging yourself. But, *listening* to yourself, as an observer; and LISTEN to what your needs are! And find ways to meet your needs.

Often, our children "mirror" what we need, ie. YOU "listen to you!" It is amazing how often I'm telling ds something like "be patient", and what *I* need is to "be patient". As you are telling your daughter "you are not listening", it may be true that YOU are not listening to your Self and your needs.

I also apologize when "my buttons" are feeling pushed. I own that as MY issue, and work to listen to what I need. Thich Nhat Hanh's book "Peace Is Every Step" really helped me to recognize anger as a message of underlying needs, which need to be met. But, first I had to listen to my Self and identify, 'What are those needs? How can *I* meet them?', rather than expect our children to meet our needs.

Pat
post #1246 of 1766
Springmama,

One thing I'd like to recommend is reading Time-Out For Parents: A Guide To Compassionate Parenting by Cheri Huber. It's all about taking care of ourselves and being compassionate with ourselves, so that we are able to be compassionate with our children. It's a quick, easy read.

Quote:
Originally Posted by springmama View Post
She doesn't listen very well and my most used line these days is "your not listening!" I hate saying that. I hate losing my temper and yelling. I want to be GD and work through it all without yelling. Yesterday and today were really hard days for us. I feel like a failure of a parent today. The worst part is when I vow to not get mad and I do. It is getting better, but I wish that change could be instantaneous for my sake as well as hers. I need help of understanding how to get her to do what she needs to do. I worry that I'm not patient enough for full on GD. I feel like she is always pushing the limit with everything. I need to increase my patience. I love her so much and want her to be treated nicely all the time, even when she's driving me crazy.
I have some thoughts about this. One is that, as Pat mentioned, when I find myself desperate for my kids to listen to me, that's a big sign that my own needs are not adequately met. I'm screaming not just to my kids, but to myself, that I need to be heard and my needs need to be met.

My second thought is that 3 year olds just don't listen. I've been through age 3 with 3 kids. It's a tough, tough age. If "listening" means "complying within the time frame mom finds ideal, without a tantrum" then 3 year olds don't do this (at least not often). I found that the key to working with age 3 is to slow down (waaaaay down), make sure my expectations were appropriate, be flexible (and creative!), find the humor, put the relationship first, and see things from my child's point of view. (Of course, I didn't learn this until after my first child had passed age 3 and thus my first round with age 3 was very rough.)

My last thought is this: it does not work to "vow not to get mad." People get angry. It's okay. It's when we try to not get angry that we explode. Anger is a normal, natural emotion that we cannot always avoid. We do have a choice about how to handle our anger, though, and this is good news even if it does take us a long time to learn how to do that. Getting angry, and even yelling, does not make you a failure as a mom. It makes you human. Think of anger as your friend: it's the warning light on your dashboard that tells you that something needs attention.

Ten Steps That Transform Anger Into Compassionate Connection

I actually have one more last thought. Children are incredibly resilient and forgiving. They can take having parents who are less than perfect.
post #1247 of 1766
Quote:
Formerly known as sledg
LOL I was wondering 'Who is this sane and calm mama that I haven't met?' Then I saw your sig line! What does your new name mean?


Pat
post #1248 of 1766
Okay, so I've been disliking "sledg" for a long time b/c it makes me think "sledgehammer." (btw, 'sledg' is the first letter of the middle name of each person in my family, from oldest to youngest.) I was looking for something lighter and along the lines of "warrior mother," to sort of reflect perseverance in the face of adversity, hope, fighting with my child* and for my child. Anyway, I couldn't find anything and then one day searching around I found a character name generator for people looking to create names for Dungeons and Dragons characters (who knew??). You plug in character class (I chose 'fighter'), gender, and profession ('animal handler'--it was the closest thing to parenting, and I say that with great respect for my 3 monkeys), and it gives you a name. It gave me "Magella Shieldheart," which I loved but was too long. So I shortened it. And that is my geeky story. I do like my new name. It suits me much better.

eta *When I say "fighting with my child" I mean, together with her (helping her with her challenges)--not against her. (Though we do have our days when we fight against each other.)
post #1249 of 1766
i like your geek name. i keep thinking "magilla gorilla" when i read it though.

and, while i have your eye, what's the name of the book you've recommended about helping your kid enhance their emotional intelligence?
post #1250 of 1766
Er...helping your kid enhance emotional intelligence...I'm thinking that I could have mentioned Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. I know I've recommended Raising A Thinking Child for emotional skills, problem solving skills, communication skills (I've used this one a lot, while I've only read Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child once a long while back).

You see, the problem is that I've read over 4 dozen parenting related books (I really, really like to read) and only go back to a few repeatedly even though I learn from all of them. So now they blend. And I'm not sure which one you're referring to exactly. It could be something completely different that's escaping me at the moment. On my bookshelf my favorites, which I can see from here, are Connection Parenting; Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids; Raising a Thinking Child; The Explosive Child; Nonviolent Communication.

eta "magilla gorilla" is okay. It reminds me of Goodnight Gorilla, which has always been a favorite book around here.
post #1251 of 1766
yeah, i have a especially hard time recommending baby/pg books because, until i found my parenting path, i think i read *all* of them! that's what the librarians from my old town would say anyway.

for this purpose, i'll go with "thinking child". i kno it's one you've recommended more than once. you said it was especially good with your special needs daughter. and you've never let me down before so i'll go ILL it now.

gracias, mama.
post #1252 of 1766
wow, it's been years for this thread.

i can say now that i no longer have that rage as i did before. i get angry now, but i process it better.

alot is having to deal with myself. i am highly self-critical and constantly assessing things quickly. kids don't really need that. the upside is that these traits are why humans survive, these abilities. however, modern life doesn't need it so much in a general sense.

i've also worked really hard to take care of myself. alot has been diet, i also have natural progesterone cream and other supplements that help.

i've also had to understand my power as the adult. it was tricky moving from following baby cues to becoming the parent/setting example.

acceptance and forgiveness go a long way, and feeling right. i still recommend scott noelle's daily groove emails.

hugs to all.
post #1253 of 1766
O)*&$%(&* *$&%(& (&*$ And I was doing SO well with keeping my anger appropriately managed. Today I just shot it straight to hell My 4.5yo is very boisterous... he doesn't seem to care if he hurts people sometimes (ok a lot of the time) he's much more worried about the trouble he's going to get in after the fact (and as a slap in my own face, I wonder friggin why ) Today his older brother was sitting on the floor and he JUMPED straight down and basically dug right into his thigh muscle. Screaming bloody murder ensued, I came in and he was hiding under the bed and I just wanted to kill him :

I screamed and railed and put him in bed with his father (who is sleeping due to night shift) and told him I didn't want to see him for the rest of the DAY. It was only noon ffs. Then the 2yo starts with typical 2yo attitude (door slamming and screaming) and I growled at him. Then the oldest wailed at me about THAt and I growled at HIM. To which he replied sadly now you've upset all three of us I sent him in with his father as well and managed to pull myself together enough to get the 2yo to sleep and finish baking the lunch I was making them. While it cooled I sat & had a peice of chocolate and a big glass of water and talked myself down. Now they're out of exile and have had their lunch and are playing a computer game.

WHY can't I keep my head screwed on straight when he starts being nasty? *sigh* I tried so hard all morning (there were several incidents, as there usually are) but I just lost the plot.
post #1254 of 1766
~sigh~

4.5 sucked a LOT.

post #1255 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by caspian's mama View Post
~sigh~

4.5 sucked a LOT.

Thank you for that I'm waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.. this boy has been hell on wheels since .. well forever

I just spent a good little while with him cuddling on my lap and talking to him. Apologizing as well as telling him it's totally not his fault that mummy sometimes behaves badly We had a nice long talk & snuggle and I hope the rest of our day is better for it.
post #1256 of 1766
Cari: 2 things have really been helping . . .

My oldest DD is going through some things. I understand that, but I also can't let her subject everyone else to her behavior at times. She is taking out stress on her siblings, and that isn't acceptable. At those times, I do not get mad, but I do tell her she needs to go to her room to cool off. I know that time-outs are not necessarily AP, but they've been working because she NEEDS that time to decompress. Given that I have my other 2 children around, my first attempt is to try to involve her with the family, but when it doesn't work and it is troubling the other children, she gets a break (I don't call it time out, I just say go do something fun or relaxing in your room). It helps, and we reconnect when she is ready to come out. I don't give any time or anything, I trust she'll know when she's ready.

The other mantra I've had in my head is to say "THEY ARE DOING THE BEST THEY CAN.' I promise you, no matter WHAT your children are doing, even when it doesn't look like it . . .they are doing their best. It doesn't mean you let the behavior continue, but you have to believe they are doing their best, and then your discipline will naturally be gentle-- really.

Also (oops, here's #3) don't worry about being perfect or being AP, but do your best, your honest best. Allow the anger to come inside, accept it, REALLY accept it (without saying anything) and then allow it to leave your body. Remember that when you allow yourself to scream and yell, you are just indulging yourself . . .but after that brief moment where you've purged that anger onto your children (and you feel justified in unleashing your anger on your children), it will never, ever, EVER feel like you've done the right thing. It will feel very wrong. You know this-- just practice remembering it in the moment.
post #1257 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mizelenius View Post
Also (oops, here's #3) don't worry about being perfect or being AP, but do your best, your honest best. Allow the anger to come inside, accept it, REALLY accept it (without saying anything) and then allow it to leave your body. Remember that when you allow yourself to scream and yell, you are just indulging yourself . . .but after that brief moment where you've purged that anger onto your children (and you feel justified in unleashing your anger on your children), it will never, ever, EVER feel like you've done the right thing. It will feel very wrong. You know this-- just practice remembering it in the moment.
Thank you. Your ENTIRE post really resonated with me, but that paragraph RIGHT there hit home. It never does feel right, and why should it? Totally makes it black & white .. how much sense does it make for ME to engage in a temper tantrum just because he is. Wow. Does it make me utterly stupid that I never SAW that in quite that way?

I'm going to tattoo that to my forehead.. figuratively speaking.
post #1258 of 1766
Ick.

I thought I was doing pretty good for a while...until dd1 (age 5.5) decided that she wants to act like a snotty 16 year-old when she doesn't get her way. The looks that she gives me are positively withering if I even suggest something she doesn't want to hear. It is getting pretty damn old.

We went grocery shopping tonight, DH, dd1, 2 and I, and it was a complete disaster. dd1 was literally bouncing off the walls. I was trying to compare prices of things and read the labels on some vitamins and I swear to god she asked me about 50 questions. Most of which were the same question just worded in a slightly different way :. I could not for the life of me shop like this. I couldn't just concentrate for a minute to read the label on a freaking bottle of vitamins because she was hanging onto me like a hemmoroid and wouldn't leave me alone for just a second so I could process what I was trying to do. Finally I exploded at her and she ran away from me (not upset at all just being goofy and pretty much not caring about the fact that I was starting to get upset), around the corner of the isle, and fell flat on her face. She smacked her cheek really hard on the floor and now she has really nice shiner. Poor kid.

I swear it was the most stressful shopping trip ever. And DH is no help because his first reaction is to take the hard line with the kids so our parenting methods end up clashing in some situations which makes a conflict even worse. By the time we reached the checkout dd1 was back to her old self and running around again (it was like she ate a bucket of sugar or something) and I had had it. I made her sit down on a bench with me and I pretty much let her have it. I lectured her for a minute about how much her not listening to me is making my life a living hell and I knew I was wrong for saying these things and I could see I was making her feel about an inch big but I just couldn't stop myself. What is wrong with me?

And here we are homeschooling, and we have these great days where we make these new discoveries and really enjoy each others' company but I feel like I am not cut out for this at all sometimes. I feel like maybe the more she is around me the worse off she is and I am more toxic than the public school environment. I tell her how awesome she is all the time, I am continually amazed watching her little brain uncover new mysteries every day, and I think she is so unique and special yet I worry that my anger makes her think otherwise. I feel like I really suck at parenting right now.

:
post #1259 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by honeydee View Post
Ick.

I thought I was doing pretty good for a while...until dd1 (age 5.5) decided that she wants to act like a snotty 16 year-old when she doesn't get her way. The looks that she gives me are positively withering if I even suggest something she doesn't want to hear. It is getting pretty damn old.
I'm quite familiar with the male version of that look

Quote:
I swear it was the most stressful shopping trip ever. And DH is no help because his first reaction is to take the hard line with the kids so our parenting methods end up clashing in some situations which makes a conflict even worse. By the time we reached the checkout dd1 was back to her old self and running around again (it was like she ate a bucket of sugar or something) and I had had it. I made her sit down on a bench with me and I pretty much let her have it. I lectured her for a minute about how much her not listening to me is making my life a living hell and I knew I was wrong for saying these things and I could see I was making her feel about an inch big but I just couldn't stop myself. What is wrong with me?
You're human and not perfect? This sounds like most shopping trips I have with the boys lately, if it's just me, for some reason with dh there it goes a *little* better. I get the same 50k questions out of the 6yo, no matter what I am doing. I think we must share the same kids in alternate universes maybe??

Quote:
And here we are homeschooling, and we have these great days where we make these new discoveries and really enjoy each others' company but I feel like I am not cut out for this at all sometimes. I feel like maybe the more she is around me the worse off she is and I am more toxic than the public school environment.
Bolding mine, you are SO not that. None of us are perfect, but she knows you love her and if she were at school it's possible that your relationship would be MORE strained. I hs as well, and there are most definitely days where I say WTF AM I DOING!?!? But then we have those awesome days you described and it goes a long way towards making up for the really shitty ones.

It sounds like you're a bit like me in that you set yourself up by thinking every day will be one of those idyllic ones? I read blogs and such and think those people have it totally together.. what an awesome family, why can't I be that way??? But I fail to realize at the time that they have the same crap days as the rest of us You're doing the best you can for your kids, and I'm sure it's at least as good as what strangers could do and with better intentions!

I think I'm going to give ME a smilie on the calendar everytime I have a 'good' day

(I hope any non homeschoolers don't take offense to the above post We all do the best we can for our kids, whatever path we choose to take!)
post #1260 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mizelenius View Post
Cari: 2 things have really been helping . . .

My oldest DD is going through some things. I understand that, but I also can't let her subject everyone else to her behavior at times. She is taking out stress on her siblings, and that isn't acceptable. At those times, I do not get mad, but I do tell her she needs to go to her room to cool off. I know that time-outs are not necessarily AP, but they've been working because she NEEDS that time to decompress. Given that I have my other 2 children around, my first attempt is to try to involve her with the family, but when it doesn't work and it is troubling the other children, she gets a break (I don't call it time out, I just say go do something fun or relaxing in your room). It helps, and we reconnect when she is ready to come out. I don't give any time or anything, I trust she'll know when she's ready.
: One thing I've learned in parenting my special needs kiddo is that boundaries are absolutely essential. Safety-physical and emotional-is absolutely essential. For us, that means if my oldest has hit someone or is screaming at someone or otherwise taking out her tension on others, she is going to go sit somewhere until she cools off. This is to protect everyone, physically and emotionally. And you know, doing this has both helped dd with boundaries (and with coping, now sometimes she'll take a break to calm down all on her own) and helped the rest of us with stress.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mizelenius View Post
The other mantra I've had in my head is to say "THEY ARE DOING THE BEST THEY CAN.' I promise you, no matter WHAT your children are doing, even when it doesn't look like it . . .they are doing their best. It doesn't mean you let the behavior continue, but you have to believe they are doing their best, and then your discipline will naturally be gentle-- really.
(Also, remember that you as parent are doing the best you can. Our best at one moment may not be as good as the best we've ever done. We do the best we can under the immediate circumstances. That goes for us and for our kids.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mizelenius View Post
Also (oops, here's #3) don't worry about being perfect or being AP, but do your best, your honest best. Allow the anger to come inside, accept it, REALLY accept it (without saying anything) and then allow it to leave your body. Remember that when you allow yourself to scream and yell, you are just indulging yourself . . .but after that brief moment where you've purged that anger onto your children (and you feel justified in unleashing your anger on your children), it will never, ever, EVER feel like you've done the right thing. It will feel very wrong. You know this-- just practice remembering it in the moment.
Accept the anger, accept yourself and your needs, accept your kids just as they are, and do the best you can. It takes practice and time, and that's okay.

Quote:
Originally Posted by honeydee View Post
Ick.
We went grocery shopping tonight, DH, dd1, 2 and I, and it was a complete disaster. dd1 was literally bouncing off the walls. I was trying to compare prices of things and read the labels on some vitamins and I swear to god she asked me about 50 questions. Most of which were the same question just worded in a slightly different way :. I could not for the life of me shop like this. I couldn't just concentrate for a minute to read the label on a freaking bottle of vitamins because she was hanging onto me like a hemmoroid and wouldn't leave me alone for just a second so I could process what I was trying to do.
This is how I feel when I'm shopping with all of my kids. They are 9, 7, and 4.5. They like to talk. They like to play with each other while we're shopping. They ask lots of questions. *When I'm by myself, all alone, and relaxed the grocery store is overstimulating for me.* It's worse with kids. You know what? I do my darndest to never shop with more than one kid. One day I decided, I can't do this well with all of them. I'm not going to anymore, if it's at all possible to avoid it. And if I do take them all out, and things do get hairy, I just tell them "look, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I feel really overwhelmed right now. Let's finish this up fast so we can get out of here. Will you help me? I need quiet so I can concentrate, please. You get this, and you look for that, and you help me figure out where the other thing is." And we muddle through the best we can. Because sometimes, all you can do is muddle through.

Also, the "who can be quiet the longest?" game helps. As does the occasional promise of treats if we get finished quickly and quietly. Yes, bribes. But only occasionally. Sanity takes priority over perfect parenting technique.

Also, what Cari said about setting yourself up by thinking the day will be just the ideal way you'd like it to be? Totally true for me. I lose my temper much more when my expectations are not in line with reality. If I know going in that being in the store with my kids is not going to be easy, and I accept that, then I handle it better and it tends to go more smoothly. Because I'm responding to reality, I think.
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