Parenting and Rage - Page 82

[WuWei]

Originally Posted by MittensKittens

Thanks, WuWei, I did hear about that but for some reason still bought the supplement. Better than nothing, I thought. Does that mean that a magnesium/calcium supplement essentially cancels itself out, and you may as well take nothing?

I take no calcium supplement. I do drink Nettles infusions for the minerals and use bone broth in cooking for the minerals. And take a magnesium supplement for the many health benefits. Magnesium is a critical mineral and depleted from our soil and food supply.

Pat

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by MittensKittens

FWIW, I have been SO much better with my anger lately. I haven't felt the need to yell at my kids for the longest time, ever since I took part in this thing called family constellations therapy.

Can you tell us more about this?

[Awaken]

Originally Posted by windsorheightsmom

I feel irritable, my kid is in my face/clinging to me leg or whatever, I calmly and politely ask him to give me some space or move over and he responds by clinging to me even more. Sometimes I literally ask five or ten times (in a calm and appropriate voice) for him to back off, give me a few minutes, I am getting angry, I need space, and he either doesn't sense my rising anger or he senses it and responds by grabbing me and doing more of what is driving me crazy. And it ends with me screaming at him and feeling horrible.

I wish I could stay calm, but I also wish I could teach him to listen to me when I am telling him I need space. He is seven years old and still seems not to be able to listen when I ask him not to climb all over me.

No time to write now, but ditto this for me. how do you get them to understand the first time so it doesn't take flipping out to get your point across?

WW- what form of magnesium? I can't buy every type of supplement I need so trying to hit the most important ones. just got some omega 3's and have been on vit D for a while.

[WuWei]

Originally Posted by Awaken

WW- what form of magnesium? I can't buy every type of supplement I need so trying to hit the most important ones. just got some omega 3's and have been on vit D for a while.

Magnesium citrate, it is inexpensive. Comes in 200mg tablets, so you could take one, twice a day, as tolerated/needed.

Nettles infusion are probably cheaper and MUCH more nutrient dense. I order the 1 pound bag from Mountain Rose Herbs. (looks like they are out at the moment). http://www.mountainroseherbs.com/bulkherb/n.html Plenty of places carry them, organic is preferred. The one pound bag is about $8 and makes about a month's worth of Nettles infusions.

Pat

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by Surfacing

Can you tell us more about this?

Sure. I have a good friend who has been doing sessions of family constellations therapy for a while now. The first time she went, and I asked her about it, she said something vague like the therapist said not to talk about the work she did for six weeks, so she could process it all. Sounded a bit like a sect to me .

Anyway, she kept going, and I saw the positive changes in her. So I decided to give it a go as well. Family constellations therapy is something designed by a guy called Bert Hellinger (google him). It is a non-verbal therapy, so no talking about anything, which I love. It is based on the belief that families have collective memories of certain events (stillbirth, abuse, war, whatever), and that something that happened generations back can affect you and your children negatively. Through the work you do, that energy changes and you don't carry those burdens any more. (Apparently )

I know, it sounds terribly unscientific and out there. I didn't believe in it before I went, but I decided to take the chance, because I saw how much it changed my friend for the better. Apparenttly, it works whether you believe in it or not. That is certainly true for me - I still don't believe it, but it DID work .

The work itself is based around one topic. It can be anything - illness, relationships, self esteem, whatever. I chose to work on ME, and making peace with myself. The therapist asked me to choose a representative for myself, my mom and my father (dead). That is how it works, other participants represent things relevant to your situation. You don't tell the therapist much about your past, it's non verbal. I positioned my father away from me and my mom, because he's dead. After that situation resolved itself, the therapist chose other people to represent other events - I just watched and did nothing. It was quite powerful to see other people, who I had never met before, act out my traumas before my eyes, and in the end resolve the energy associated with them. In the end, you bow to yourself (your representative), your traumas, and so on.

I'm an evidence-based science fan so I am aware how bad this might sound. It sounds like quackery and just very weird. It is. But who cares, when it worked. It is also cheaper than regular therapy!

[Devaya]

Originally Posted by WuWei

IN THE MOMENT, walk to the kitchen sink and run the faucet and pour a big glass of water and infuse it with "Be, Divine, Love, Together" energy. Those are key words for connecting and peace and love. Drink the water, no matter if the house is being torn up around you, you will be more able to handle the situation.

Breathe in peace.

Breathe out serenity.


Really works for me.

But, I have to walk away from the situation in the heat of the moment.

Pat

Thank you, that's great! I really needed something I can do in the moment to break that reaction pattern. I love the affirmation 'be, divine, love, together'.

I'm doing loads better the last couple of days - haven't had one blow out. I think one thing that helps me is having others around. My friend came down to stay for the weekend and I was s uper calm (and not just suppressing it - like, really feeling calm) with the many tantrums that were happening, and dealing with two toddlers at once when my son's friend came to play and there were a lot of fights. I think it helped that I had a couple of earlier nights! I think for me the key is staying connected to my son and loving him. Sounds obvious...but when I don't, that's when I can start to get angry b/c I start to see him as an obstacle to my having a need met - whether it's having enough space (windsorheightsmom, I can really relate to that clinging thing!) or getting something done in the house. When we connect through humour and affection and me just slowing down enough to get to his level, then it all flows better and he is actually more co operative too.

I love the sound of family constellations therapy - I have friends who've done it and they've found it very helpful. Since I know so much of my anger comes from my own parenting, I think it would be really good to investigate.

[Theia]

I have heard of constellation therapy before. I like the way you describe it MK. I am someone who straddles the fence between tangible science and unproved spirituality. When I read your post about your experiences, it made me think of DNA. There is a line of thought that DNA stores much more than physical characteristics. Some believe that traumas are stored in DNA and expressed through generations. Because there is a re-inactment, and no re-inactment is ever the original, it does make sense from that standpoint that the family constellation therapy would work in that there is a trauma and release for lack of better terminology. I've not tried it yet, but it's something I would consider if it was brought into my circle.

Myself, I still have good days and not. DD and I are doing well. She is very much a toddler and I love it. But because I am a SAHM with no outside help, it is stressful on me. I have 2 hours a week away from her so that I can attend a group counseling session. I want to have more time away from her, but I need to make sure I can afford it first, we have a wonderful sitter who we both love. Since I started on medication (15mg fluoxetine and 15 mg temazepam) and counseling, my moments of rage have decreased. I seem to have it worse during PMDD though. The 10-7 days before my cycle starts, I wish I could just skip those. They aren't nearly as bad as they used to be, but I'm still not where I wish I was. I'm going to try to remember to walk away completely next time this comes up.

[WuWei]

I just asked my neuroscientist friend (PhD who studies brains, especially fetal and infant brain development in the NICU) about bio-feedback -whether it changes the brain. The Constellation Therapy seems to allow for the brain to 'relearn' habitual experiences.

She replied, "In regards to whether I think that biofeedback can change the brain...I do believe that things like biofeedback, hypnotherapy, etc. can "change" the brain. I think that in essence they allow "learning" to occur (many times this occurs through these mechanisms subconsciously). The brain is very plastic, especially the hippocampus which is where learning-induced changes occur. There is evidence that this type of learning or retraining the brain can lead to increased neuronal density in the CA1 and CA3 regions of the hippocampus. "

Now, I have no idea what a CA1 and CA3 is, but that sounded like a positive endorsement of biofeedback type therapy. I was asking in regard to sensory integration issues and sensory overload in our family. There are some Auditory Training Therapy tools which use music to de-sensitize the brain to noise and auditory overload. With related benefits to tactile sensory overload.

And obviously, hypnobirthing is beneficial for many people. So, the energetic shifts of the Constellation Therapy seems similarly 'reprograming' the brain's reactions to some stimuli.

I find the practice of walking to the sink and drinking the water and infusing it with 'Be, Divine, Love, Together' helps me to make that shift. It is all energy. And when my energy is connected with ds, we flow. Sometimes, I just need a moment to hear myself think 'I am going to drink the %#$% water!' first.

Pat

[WuWei]

Food folate is great for depression, anxiety and stress hormones. Beans, greens, legumes and liver are high in folate (not synthetic folic acid). Green smoothies are the easiest. In the blender, I just add 2 cups organic baby spinach (from Costco), plus 2 cups frozen fruit (from Trader Joe's) and water. Blend and drink.

I do that about every morning and it makes my whole day easier. Seriously.


Pat

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by Theia

There is a line of thought that DNA stores much more than physical characteristics. Some believe that traumas are stored in DNA and expressed through generations.

Do you know more about this? Do you have links or book recommendations? I'm very interested in this.

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by WuWei

I just asked my neuroscientist friend (PhD who studies brains, especially fetal and infant brain development in the NICU) about bio-feedback -whether it changes the brain. The Constellation Therapy seems to allow for the brain to 'relearn' habitual experiences.

She replied, "In regards to whether I think that biofeedback can change the brain...I do believe that things like biofeedback, hypnotherapy, etc. can "change" the brain. I think that in essence they allow "learning" to occur (many times this occurs through these mechanisms subconsciously). The brain is very plastic, especially the hippocampus which is where learning-induced changes occur. There is evidence that this type of learning or retraining the brain can lead to increased neuronal density in the CA1 and CA3 regions of the hippocampus. "

Now, I have no idea what a CA1 and CA3 is, but that sounded like a positive endorsement of biofeedback type therapy. I was asking in regard to sensory integration issues and sensory overload in our family. There are some Auditory Training Therapy tools which use music to de-sensitize the brain to noise and auditory overload. With related benefits to tactile sensory overload.

And obviously, hypnobirthing is beneficial for many people. So, the energetic shifts of the Constellation Therapy seems similarly 'reprograming' the brain's reactions to some stimuli.

I find the practice of walking to the sink and drinking the water and infusing it with 'Be, Divine, Love, Together' helps me to make that shift. It is all energy. And when my energy is connected with ds, we flow. Sometimes, I just need a moment to hear myself think 'I am going to drink the %#$% water!' first.

Pat

Thanks for sharing that!

[Awaken]

Pat, thanks so much for the info on nettles! I actually have some- I was taking it during pregnancy last year to help with seasonal allergies. I didn't know it had calming properties as well. That is definitely something easy and cheap I can do an a daily basis. Thanks for clarifying about the magnesium- that sounds do-able also.

[becoming]

Well, I'm doing HORRIBLY. I react terribly to everything and CANNOT seem to get it under control. I feel so overwhelmed and mean and controlling and critical and impatient. I LOVE these kids more than anything -- WHY can't I be the kind of mama I want to be? I am seriously considering asking my doctor for an antidepressant.

[akwifeandmomma]

Just reading along. I've always suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Here it is, June, and I'm just as moody, tired, and irritable. I think there's something more going on.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by MittensKittens

Do you know more about this? Do you have links or book recommendations? I'm very interested in this.

Mittens - Sorry I didn't check this thread right away.

I've read it in a few different places, but I'm not sure where. I'm not good at keeping track of that kind of thing. But I can google. I know I've read it in other places, but I can't find it right now.

http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/view/11660

As you can imagine it's not a hard scientific thing. But I tend to think that there is so much that we don't know that to rule out things is a bit short-sighted. Like I said, I have one foot in science and the other in spirituality or otherwise unproven thoughts and theories.

[Tuesday]

Sigh. I feel some days like I'm wading through thick mud. Trying to deal with my issues, the kids' issues and DH. But it feels so hard - like trying to undo generations' worth of patterns. And then I see this sort of article posted by Theia. The theory seems plausible to me but where does that leave us raging moms?

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by becoming

Well, I'm doing HORRIBLY. I react terribly to everything and CANNOT seem to get it under control. I feel so overwhelmed and mean and controlling and critical and impatient. I LOVE these kids more than anything -- WHY can't I be the kind of mama I want to be? I am seriously considering asking my doctor for an antidepressant.

I've had a similar series of days here where I see the ugliness rearing it's head again due to my own exhaustion and feelings of vulnerability in these final weeks of pregnancy.

One day this week dd1 had a big cry about how there's been too much yelling, and she feels like she's in the wrong family, that she is always doing things wrong etc. It was then that I realized how my reactions were affecting her . Anyway, I got online and searched for some free audio tracks of positive parenting tips. I wish I kept the links but I didn't. I listened to some stuff by Fred Rogers, Mary Kurcinka Sheedy (?), and a psychologist. I found it helpful to redirect my attention to a few things that I could be doing to help improve things:

Positive parenting stuff - focusing on what they're doing RIGHT, *NOT* what they're doing wrong, etc.

It was encouraging and a nice way to just turn my mind off the obsessive rumination about what a terrible parent/person I am and how my child hates me, etc. It helped nudge me back on track and although I am still transgressing the positive rules at times, when I notice I just nudge myself back as best I can. Little improvements make a difference, it doesn't have to be huge changes all at once.

Just sharing this in case it helps anyone. I'm certainly not patting myself on the back and walking around like I have all the answers, yk? No sir, not at all... parenting is so humbling.

I have to remember to accept my children as they are in reality, not in the dream version of what I had hoped for/imagined. When I feel disappointed that a response from them was not what I was hoping for, I remind myself that they are disappointed at how I respond to them too at times. We are all human.

Lather, rinse, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.........

[Miss Information]

It's been a while

Wow. I just looked up when I posted last on this thread, in 2007.

I just thought I'd update.

I was never really able to solve my rage issues on my own. They've ebbed and flowed, and most recently, been really bad. So I decided it was time to go for therapy - I started with couple's therapy because I was having difficulties with my husband too, but then after about 2 sessions, it was clear I needed my own therapy too.

I've come to really accept (not just intellectually, but emotionally too) that the abuse (psychological, emotional and physical) I had as a child and young adult had left deep wounds that were just festering. It wasn't just my mother abusing me, but my older sister too. I think that's why I get panicky when my daughter's fight amongst themselves.

I've been diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder which covers things like traumatic childhoods - where the trauma is more than just one single incident. It explains quite a bit how I got where I am now.

Before, I coped with it all by simple detachment - I threw myself into work and pretty much cut off all emotional connection to my mother. Over the years the relationship was better, but it wasn't until I had 3 daughters in 3.5 years that I realized I might have left the abusive situation, the abuse never left me.

I hate to admit it, but I'd been flipping out on my family because of this undealt-with rage.

I had spent the past 6 years in a funk - a functional (but barely) depression. I became addicted to the internet (message boards, blogging, etc) as a means to tune out my problems. Then, when I'd see the 'fruits' of my non-labor (ie a messy house), I'd get angry and that would set me off - my own house would make me feel like a prisoner.

I realize, in many ways, I'd felt like a prisoner - first in my mother's home (she'd even stole $1100 from my bank account so that I couldn't leave when I was 22, but she returned it when I found out and went ballistic on her).

I also managed to feel like a prisoner with one of my jobs, because I was under contract and I owed them 4 years of my life (it was the crime lab that trained me and they made me and other trainees "work off" what they paid to train us).

Then, even though I quit that job and got another really good one, I felt trapped again. I quit that great job to be home with my 2 daughters and was supposed to start grad school that fall, but instead, had another daughter.

Anyway...I really like my therapist...she's very anti-meds, she's a trauma specialist, and she gave me one EMDR session so far after a really bad day with my kids where I said "I never wanted to have kids, so how's THAT for not fair?" Which, my therapist helped me figure out, that's NOT true. Not now anyway. It was true when I was 18, but when I became a mother, I very much wanted my daughters.

Anyway...I anticipate this being a long process of recovery. But, after going through EMDR and feeling better than I have in a while, I'm thinking I can do this without meds.

I have been very productive at home, getting things done that I've put off for forever. I feel a little more hopeful.

And...in the event anyone would like some resources on complex PTSD, I have resources on these two posts.

http://raisingsmartgirls.wordpress.c...ood-resources/

http://raisingsmartgirls.wordpress.c...auma-recovery/

I think...the MOST important thing I need to remember is that I can get through this, and forgive myself for the past. I think a lot of the anger (well, MY anger anyway) results from a deep sense of shame that has piled up over the years.

I hope this helps someone else.

[Abvnx]

I'm not sure if this the right place to post this. Dh and I have been putting off having kids for years. Growing up, I was abused (emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally). Never in a million years would I want my kids to have to go through what I did. I have worked very hard to be nothing like my mother. I still worry that, I might just lose it and smack my child. I have had lots of therapy and have made huge progress. Still, when Dh and I talk about kids, I have bouts of panic. I keep thinking that I'm just going to turn into my mom.

I used to think that there were only two options: I would either be like my mom, or I would be super-mom. Since super-mom is an impossible goal, that left only one other option. Recently, I came to the conclusion that its OK to not be perfect. I don't NEED to be the perfect super-mom.

We have agreed that Attachment Parenting sounds wonderful. My concern is having the presence of mind to practice it when the kids are getting on my last nerve.

My DH is wonderful. He is very understanding and supports me however he can. DH thinks I will be just fine as a mom. He points out that I am different from my mom in fundamental ways.

We decided that we really want to have a baby. We have been reading books on AP and discussing parenting strategies. Even with all this preparation, I still have bouts of fear and doubt.

Anyway, sorry this was so long. I just had to get that out there. Any thoughts?

[WuWei]

None of us are perfect mom. You will be exactly the mom your child needs you to be. And you will grow and learn alongside your child. It is a relationship, not a job. You don't get a grade, reward or failure notice. You just do the best you can. It is hard. And fun. And you learn and grow.

Pat