It's been a while
Wow. I just looked up when I posted last on this thread, in 2007.
I just thought I'd update.
I was never really able to solve my rage issues on my own. They've ebbed and flowed, and most recently, been really bad. So I decided it was time to go for therapy - I started with couple's therapy because I was having difficulties with my husband too, but then after about 2 sessions, it was clear I needed my own therapy too.
I've come to really accept (not just intellectually, but emotionally too) that the abuse (psychological, emotional and physical) I had as a child and young adult had left deep wounds that were just festering. It wasn't just my mother abusing me, but my older sister too. I think that's why I get panicky when my daughter's fight amongst themselves.
I've been diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder which covers things like traumatic childhoods - where the trauma is more than just one single incident. It explains quite a bit how I got where I am now.
Before, I coped with it all by simple detachment - I threw myself into work and pretty much cut off all emotional connection to my mother. Over the years the relationship was better, but it wasn't until I had 3 daughters in 3.5 years that I realized I might have left the abusive situation, the abuse never left me.
I hate to admit it, but I'd been flipping out on my family because of this undealt-with rage.
I had spent the past 6 years in a funk - a functional (but barely) depression. I became addicted to the internet (message boards, blogging, etc) as a means to tune out my problems. Then, when I'd see the 'fruits' of my non-labor (ie a messy house), I'd get angry and that would set me off - my own house would make me feel like a prisoner.
I realize, in many ways, I'd felt like a prisoner - first in my mother's home (she'd even stole $1100 from my bank account so that I couldn't leave when I was 22, but she returned it when I found out and went ballistic on her).
I also managed to feel like a prisoner with one of my jobs, because I was under contract and I owed them 4 years of my life (it was the crime lab that trained me and they made me and other trainees "work off" what they paid to train us).
Then, even though I quit that job and got another really good one, I felt trapped again. I quit that great job to be home with my 2 daughters and was supposed to start grad school that fall, but instead, had another daughter.
Anyway...I really like my therapist...she's very anti-meds, she's a trauma specialist, and she gave me one EMDR session so far after a really bad day with my kids where I said "I never wanted to have kids, so how's THAT for not fair?" Which, my therapist helped me figure out, that's NOT true. Not now anyway. It was true when I was 18, but when I became a mother, I very much wanted my daughters.
Anyway...I anticipate this being a long process of recovery. But, after going through EMDR and feeling better than I have in a while, I'm thinking I can do this without meds.
I have been very productive at home, getting things done that I've put off for forever. I feel a little more hopeful.
And...in the event anyone would like some resources on complex PTSD, I have resources on these two posts.http://raisingsmartgirls.wordpress.c...ood-resources/http://raisingsmartgirls.wordpress.c...auma-recovery/
I think...the MOST important thing I need to remember is that I can get through this, and forgive myself for the past. I think a lot of the anger (well, MY anger anyway) results from a deep sense of shame that has piled up over the years.
I hope this helps someone else.