Parenting and Rage - Page 87

[Magella]

Originally Posted by Awaken 

hugs to  everyone.

I've been up to my old behavior :(  dh is out of town, I've been averaging 2 hrs of sleep a night, no breaks whatsoever.  Even when he is home, I'm still alone 12 hrs a day, and the baby has been up most of every night for the past month.  I've slept a full night once in a month. 

So last night after our customary 2 hours of sleep, I rocked, paced, nursed, did everything to comfort her and put her back to sleep.  I was so patient, had convinced myself to just be calm, deal with whatever comes, etc.  Then she started biting while nursing, and proceeded to bite and whip her head around with the nipple still attached for 5 straight hours and was up for the day cheerfully before dawn.  If I tried to stop her from nursing or biting she screamed and screamed and screamed so I had no choice but to lay there all night having my nipples torn to shreds.  So horrible me, I screamed at a little baby to stop screaming.  I totally suck.  but what do I do in that situation when I can't go on any longer, mentally or physically, but I have no choice but to keep going???  And, to top it all off, she is incredibly high needs during the day, too, and only naps maybe 20 mins a day and that's on me while nursing, she is rarely put down and requires constant attention. (and she is over a year old, we are not talking a newborn baby, which is completely a different story!)

I also realized that a HUGE trigger, is when the kids ignore me when it's time to get ready and leave the house.  Looking back, a lot of my rage incidents stem from this scenario.  I do everything I can to explain the plan ahead of time, give them lenty of time to finish their activity so Im not just asking them to stop what they're doing immediately, have their clothes and toothbrushes, etc easy to get to.  So today I announce that we have x number of minutes until we leave and I proceed to get myself and the baby ready.  DS continues to play.  I make announcements along the way, ie "10 more minutes!  I'm getting my coat on and loading up the car.  Please get yours and follow me".  He slowly starts getting dressed.  I'm finished and say  "time to go, grab your coat, etc and head out the door now."  He then argues and whines over putting on his coat, wants his scarf re-done 10 times, and I'm like, nope, grab your stuff and bring it to the car.  I would have helped you earlier but now it's time to go.  He continues to fuss over the scarf and at this point it's been an HOUR since i've asked him to get dressed and I've been standing around waiting.  I totally flip out, throw things, slam things, scream at him, and generally make him feel guilty and awful and now I feel like crap.  

So what do I do when I start out patient, kind, calm, encouraging and I try every tactic in the book for HOURS and nothing works, I'm at my wit's end and have no help in sight, and am in an impossible situation and it seems like it's inevitable that I'm going to blow up out of sheer helplessness and fatigue?  Sometimes not leaving the house isn't an option.  Sometimes I physically am not able to pace the floors and be bitten night after night.  I hate for my kids to see that and learn that's how we deal with our frustrations :(

Do you have any way at all of getting some help taking care of the kids, or help getting some sleep? I think that any mom who is as sleep-deprived as you are is bound to lose her temper from time to time. You need sleep. You need a break now and then. We moms weren't meant to take on the entirety of child-rearing alone. I know it can be hard to find help. Sometimes when mine were little and I was completely exhausted, I would shut us all into my bedroom (which was heavily baby-proofed) so that I could doze off. Even a few minutes could help. 

It's so hard when you feel as though you're trying absolutely everything and giving it your all, and still you're up all night or there's conflict after conflict. I think at those times you seek out support and help wherever you can, you take care of yourself as best you can, and you get through it as best you can knowing that you cannot be perfect. You'll all get through this. And you know, there are times when it's better to put the baby down and walk away for a minute, even if she's screaming, so that you don't lose it and scream back at her. It's okay. Kids are resilient, they can handle it when mom needs to take a minute. The middle of the night was such a hard time for me when mine were small, and there were nights when one of mine was up all night and I just lost it. It was just hard to remain calm and rational when I was up all night again after being sleep deprived for weeks or months. Sometimes I would remember to walk away and take a minute, which was way better than losing it and screaming (which really just made it that much harder for everyone to get sleep). I wish I had advice for you on getting her to sleep, but I don't. Mine were that age so long ago, and my high-needs kiddo just started sleeping well and through the entire night without waking us all with her night-terrors maybe two years ago (she's 11). But I can say that really, someday this will all be a blur for you.

As far as getting kids out of the house goes, I always found that when mine were little they needed a lot of supervision and prompting in order to get ready and out the door. There were times when we had to leave in order to get somewhere on time and I grabbed shoes and coat, and carried my sock-footed coatless child to the car. Routine helps, having a rhythm to the day such that we did roughly the same things in roughly the same order most days. I remember when that when they were little I always tried to run errands or make appointments in the morning, because it was just easier to get them out the door soon after breakfast. Mornings were their best time for going out--they were fed, not tired, and not yet engrossed in an activity. We'd get up, get dressed, eat, brush teeth, and go, basically. Morning was the best time for appointments, shopping, going to the park, you name it. If it we were going to leave home, morning was the best time to do it. Even now it's easier to get the ball rolling early in the day than it is to try to get them out the door later on.  

You're working under extreme circumstances, and you can't be perfect. Kids are strong and resilient. I want you to hear this story: for years I struggled and struggled with anger, especially with regard to  my oldest dd's very challenging behavior. I still yell more often than I'd like (once in awhile, way less than I used to but still). Most days I think my kids deserve better, and that they'll resent me. Recently though, my oldest (who has always received the brunt of my anger) has just stunned me with her trust in me. She's confided in me about her first crush despite being embarrassed, and asked lots of questions about that and about growing up. I was so...honored that she could and did trust me like that. I could never talk to my own mom about those things. She confides in me about troubles with her friends. We laugh a lot together. Recently, at school the kids had to write an essay on the topic of "If you had to dedicate a book to someone, who would you dedicate it to and why." Do you know, she picked me? And she wrote the sweetest essay about how I'm the best person to ask questions of, and how she can come to me when she has questions about growing up and I'll give her advice, and how I always like her writing and encourage her. Her teacher tells me that she talks about me a lot at school, in a positive way. She survived my parenting, and is even thriving (not all because of me, she's an amazing kid). We fight. We make up. We're real with each other. I'm far from perfect. And yet, our relationship is okay. She trusts me. We're okay, and I think we'll stay that way. My other two kids are okay too, and our relationship is okay. You don't have to be perfect, or even close to perfect, to be a good mom.

You and your kids will be okay too. You care. You try. You strive to do your best for them. That makes you a good mom. 

Edited by Magella - 12/18/10 at 4:07pm

[Surfacing]

Lately I have noticed that if I keep adding fuel to the anger fire, it grows and grows. Trying to get myself to calm down immediately when I notice it growing, before it gets too big, is helpful. Sometimes I literally put happy music on. I check my self talk. Etc. It helps. We definitely have our ups and downs too. I am glad though, that in the middle of one of my freak outs recently, I literally stopped, told myself, "Mommy, breathe, you can calm down...", centered myself, and carried on. My girls yell a lot too. Progress, not perfection.

[yaboobarb]

I am a mom of three 3.5y, 6y and 8yr. I have been through the rage and meanness and guilt.

What has worked for me:

Make a decision to become calm and grounded and to respond- not react with with children when you get overwhelmed.

Anger is like a bell to mindfulness, when you can remember to stop and breathe, then act a HUGE space opens up. It really is a paradox, because at the moment of anger/ rage is the feeling that " I can't give one more piece of me." But THROUGH that thought -- becoming present. Sinking into your body, stopping everything except breathing, you can relax, become present and ACT instead of REACT. Next, think to yourself, what do I really want right now? What do I want here?

After one coaching call with parenting coach  Kathy Whithem  , She helped me understand how to do this.

 I am happy to say that my yelling has decreased-- but that is not the most important part. When I do remember to stay calm and sink into myself, magic happens. Somehow I am getting the opportunity to connect to my children and give them what I want to give them- love and soothing. Also, the times that I forget and yell ( or bully) - I forgive myself faster and I feel more free!

I have also been playing GAMES with my children. ( I have always told myself that I was too busy.)

Big hugs to you!

Barbara

Edited by yaboobarb - 12/19/10 at 12:21pm

[yaboobarb]

"She survived my parenting, and is even thriving (not all because of me, she's an amazing kid). We fight. We make up. We're real with each other."

I love this--

That is wonderful. I think children respond to authenticity. You were probably authentic in your anger. :)

[umsami]

We're getting into Non-Violent Communication as a family.  I found two resources both by Sura Hart who wrote "Respectful Kids, Respectful Parents" (or vice-versa).  She has a Non-Violent Communication "game" that we just got called, "The No Fault Zone."  She also wrote a book for teacher's called "The No Fault Classroom." I got it from my library and it has a lot of good exercises in it.  You can basically make your own game from the stuff in the book.  

One of the ideas put forth is to do "Energy Shifters" when you feel yourself getting overwhelmed.  I've put a bunch of them into a powerpoint and am laminating the cards from that.  We've also added some family favorites as well as some stuff from Cristina's Energy Center http://www.cristinasenergycenter.com/3.3.5.html  (Expelling Venom is one. :))  (Cristina has great videos (for free) on basically everything in the Energy Medicine books.)

My son and I are both committed to using our No Fault mats at least once per day for the next 30 days.  In the unlikely even that something doesn't come up, we're going to practice anyway.  We've also come to an agreement that in the next 30 days, anybody can request that the other person stop what they're doing and do an "energy shifter."  I'll let you know how it turns out.

Here's one of the energy shifters... it's from the Heart Math stuff....and is called "Heart Breathing"

• Think of something you are grateful for, something that makes you smile. It could be a pet, a person, a tree or a flower. (A lot of times, I try and remember my child as a baby.)
• Sit comfortably, close your eyes and relax.
• Take five slow breaths.
• Place your hands on the center of your chest
• Think of the person, pet or place that makes you smile. Breathe in the smiling, grateful energy.
• Breathe this feeling into the area under your hands.
• Take five more slow breaths.

 

 

[jo2000]

I have just found this thread. I have been trying to find somewhere, someone, anything that addressed this issue. Every time I googled stuff to do with difficult toddlers it was always about dealing with them and discipline issues, never about how I felt as a mum and how awful I felt for losing it with her. It is so helpful to have read some of this. I think it'll take a while to read all 87 pages ;) but Magella, your story here has given me hope (in fact, it had been bawling my eyes out in relief). Thank you so much for making me feel I'm not alone.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Im amazed that I had a morning almost identical to this today, I come here, and BAM.  This thread is at the top of the Personal growth list, and i see THIS post.  Amazing.  This is my trigger.  Plain and simple, this is it for me.  JUST this morning, my two year old did NOT want to get up.  I had to take him out of his crib because, well, we have to leave in fifteen minutes.  I HAVE to go to work.  And I HAVE to get you ready by myself.  I HAVE TO.  I tried turning on his bedside lamp and letting him wake gradually, i tried then turning on his overhead light 10 mintues later.  I finally have to drag him out of his crib and hold him down while I get him dressed.  I HATE THAT.  hes kicking me, im telling him to stop kicking me.  Im staying calm, though.  Hes crying and crying and im apologizing that we have to go.  WE HAVE TO.  Im sorry you dont understand that, BUT WE HAVE TO.  Then my 3 yo is giving me a hard time about putting his boots on, putting his coat on, all the while the 2 yo is screaming in my ear.  I have to forcefully put the 2 yos coat on.  Then its out to the car.  The 2 yo doesnt want to go.  I proceed to get the 3 yo out there.  But the 2 yo wont budge.  I LOOSE IT.  Only for a spilt second, but what I mumble under my breath is repulsive.  And i did yell here and there, mostly at the 3 yo whome I have to call 47 times to get his attention and whome I have to tell to stop something over and over again until I scream it at him. 

All was well by the time I finally got them to daycare, matthew even came running at me smiling and gave me a big hug and said he loved me, which almost makes me feel worse.  That this little angel, who was just having a rough morning can still love me unconditionally. 

So those are my triggers.  Being rushed (and I try not to be.  I was up at 450 and STILL couldnt get out of the house before 620) and having to repeat the same thing over and over and over and over.......................

When I have mornings like these (And they are getting better, believe it or not) I try to think of the day I was home with Matthew cuz he was sick, and let him sleep on me all day, even though it was killing my hiips and back.  Because his comfort ment WAY more to me then my own.  So for ME, that means not that Im a bad mother, but that Im a good mother, GREAT mother, who has bad moments.  Im human.  I have flaws and imperfections, but im defined by my efforts, not my failings.  Because the failings are WAY fewer between then the triumphs.  And THAT is why my kids still love me and turn to me for a booboo kiss or a hug, or tell me they love me SOOOOO much while they are just sitting on the couch watching woody woodpecker. 

And I know that I am not alone.  The fact that any of us feels awful after an episode like this only proves that we KNOW what our faults are, and want to improve them.  Our struggles with rage will show our kids that they will probably have the same struggles as they grow.  BUT THATS OK.  its ok to get angry and yell, as long as you know in your heart that it WASNT RIGHT.  If we were all perfect and kept our kids happy 100% of the time we were with them, what would that teach them when its time for them to go out into the world on their own?  NOTHING.  They would know nothing of disapointments, hurtful words, apologies, let downs.  They would be utterly unprepared for whatever curveballs life would undoubtedly throw them, and that, to me, would be a far larger disservice then watching mama try to overcome her triggers as they grow. 

Originally Posted by Awaken 

I also realized that a HUGE trigger, is when the kids ignore me when it's time to get ready and leave the house.  Looking back, a lot of my rage incidents stem from this scenario.  I do everything I can to explain the plan ahead of time, give them lenty of time to finish their activity so Im not just asking them to stop what they're doing immediately, have their clothes and toothbrushes, etc easy to get to.  So today I announce that we have x number of minutes until we leave and I proceed to get myself and the baby ready.  DS continues to play.  I make announcements along the way, ie "10 more minutes!  I'm getting my coat on and loading up the car.  Please get yours and follow me".  He slowly starts getting dressed.  I'm finished and say  "time to go, grab your coat, etc and head out the door now."  He then argues and whines over putting on his coat, wants his scarf re-done 10 times, and I'm like, nope, grab your stuff and bring it to the car.  I would have helped you earlier but now it's time to go.  He continues to fuss over the scarf and at this point it's been an HOUR since i've asked him to get dressed and I've been standing around waiting.  I totally flip out, throw things, slam things, scream at him, and generally make him feel guilty and awful and now I feel like crap.  

So what do I do when I start out patient, kind, calm, encouraging and I try every tactic in the book for HOURS and nothing works, I'm at my wit's end and have no help in sight, and am in an impossible situation and it seems like it's inevitable that I'm going to blow up out of sheer helplessness and fatigue?  Sometimes not leaving the house isn't an option.  Sometimes I physically am not able to pace the floors and be bitten night after night.  I hate for my kids to see that and learn that's how we deal with our frustrations :(

[Everrgreen]

I'm new here.  I want to come back when I have more time to read more (I can't believe there are 87 pages on this thread!)  But I am glad I am not alone in dealing with rage issues.  I have one 2 year old son and I am a solo parent.  My husband ran off with another 'woman' (a 19 year old *girl* actually) and he is no longer involved with my son.  I have a lot of anger over what he has done to me and what was supposed to be our family.  And unfortunately, my 2 year old brings it out of me.  It is mostly in situations like others here have mentioned - feeling trapped, feeling impatient/in a hurry, or distracted by something else I'd rather be doing.  I yell way too much (he's only 2!  Actually, he's not even 2 until next week - he's still soo little!)  I feel so bad when I yell at him.  Sometimes he doesn't care at all, if he's in a silly crazy mood.  But other times his lip comes out and he bursts into tears and then, god, do I ever feel awful.  I will grab him and hug him and tell him I'm sorry.  But I hate that.  I feel like I am such a bitch sometimes.  And I even recognize that while I'm yelling.  I can hear a voice inside of me saying 'wow you sound like a real bitch right now' but I can't stop.  I need to find a way to get all that built up anger out of me.  I need to find a solution to my problems.  I love my son, he is my entire world, and he deserves so much better from me.

I am so glad to have found this thread and I hope I can finally do something about my anger. 

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Thank you Mods.  Very much.

[WuWei]

Gina, let them sleep in their clothes for the next day. Seriously. I did. I do. No harm at all.

Create a fun, silly routine for getting out the door. Something like "Jump three times, put boots on. Spin two times, put coat on. Frog hop once, put hat on." Have something you are moving *toward* in the car: a song you all will sing together, a lolly in the carseat, a cup of juice for the ride, a Magna Doodle to play with...

The key is to connect and then move along together. When we lose it, they can't move away from us until they reconnect. So, they are *stuck* not moving, not making progress out the door, not feeling secure enough to move on to daycare without you.

Create games which help to connect in the morning, connect during the transitions and connect during the drop-off.  My son and I have a ticklefest first thing in the morning. I "eat" his LEFT ear. Can't "eat" the right one. He wiggles and squirms and giggles and I "eat" his toes and we have a big production of it. He can tell by my playful demeanor that I want to connect with him. But, we "practice" this in unstressful times to create the "routine" of 'mama is going to eat your left ear'. So, when I do this to intentionally connect during a transition with intention to move us along, he starts giggling immediately. It takes some time to create the routines, the patterns, the connection to being silly together.

Same when dh leaves for work, they have a 'Give me 5, up high, down low, too slow' routine. Involve large muscle groups for preschoolers. They need to move to FEEL their body making big motions.

Create a mantra for yourself. I found that the time pressure was the most difficult. I just repeat to myself over and over, "There is plenty of time. There is plenty of time. There is plenty of time."

When you are exasperated. Walk away. Get a glass from the cupboard and run the faucet, fill the glass, drink it. Hydration is amazing for my patience. Repeat your mantra. Breathe. And then try to connect to move out the door. Be silly. Find a playful way to connect. Kids can't resist playing with mama. It is all they want in the world.

Also, magnesium is used up with stress. I suggest Mama Calm all the time. Guaranteed to help. Epsom salt baths provide magnesium too. Great for everyone. And Rescue Remedy helps too when everyone is upset and losing it.

You are doing great. It will get easier when you focus on the fun.

Pat

[Devaya]

Originally Posted by Gillian28 

I'm new here.  I want to come back when I have more time to read more (I can't believe there are 87 pages on this thread!)  But I am glad I am not alone in dealing with rage issues.  I have one 2 year old son and I am a solo parent.  My husband ran off with another 'woman' (a 19 year old *girl* actually) and he is no longer involved with my son.  I have a lot of anger over what he has done to me and what was supposed to be our family.  And unfortunately, my 2 year old brings it out of me.  It is mostly in situations like others here have mentioned - feeling trapped, feeling impatient/in a hurry, or distracted by something else I'd rather be doing.  I yell way too much (he's only 2!  Actually, he's not even 2 until next week - he's still soo little!)  I feel so bad when I yell at him.  Sometimes he doesn't care at all, if he's in a silly crazy mood.  But other times his lip comes out and he bursts into tears and then, god, do I ever feel awful.  I will grab him and hug him and tell him I'm sorry.  But I hate that.  I feel like I am such a bitch sometimes.  And I even recognize that while I'm yelling.  I can hear a voice inside of me saying 'wow you sound like a real bitch right now' but I can't stop.  I need to find a way to get all that built up anger out of me.  I need to find a solution to my problems.  I love my son, he is my entire world, and he deserves so much better from me.

I am so glad to have found this thread and I hope I can finally do something about my anger. 

Welcome to the thread. I have found it very helpful. I'm having a bad couple of rage days after weeks of doing extremely well, I think my son's behaviour has worsened since starting preschool recently and he's really pushing all my buttons, but still, it's no excuse... and your post, Gillian, really struck a chord with me, because I've only just realised that I'm taking out some of my an ger and frustration and disappointment from the failure of my relationship and family unit, on my son at times - as well as stuff from my own childhood. I totally hear myself and think, 'Oh my god you sound like a bitch' too, and today I really couldn't believe how I was behaving, even in public to some degree.

I've been seeing a kinesiologist and am getting some supplements to help me with my extreme tiredness and overwhelm, which I am to start soon. I'm  hoping that's going to help. The Mama Calm sounds good, Wu Wei, but a bit pricey for me! But thanks for the suggestions about bringing fun in, as I'm also really struggling with getting my son to nursery school in the morning and we need something to break it up. he's often very 'wise' to tricks like that though so don't know if it'll work, but i'll try. I like the affirmation, "i have plenty of time'. Time stress is my biggest thing, I almost feel like I'm going to have a panic attack sometimes (although I never have) when I'm racing against time to go somewhere and my son is not being co operative. I feel we would be late for school every day if i didn't at some point just start putting my foot down... sigh. But I realised he needs some connection from me first thing in the morning before we start getting ready, so I'm going to force myself to play with him a little in bed when we wake up (we co sleep, so I thought that was enough connection, but I guess not!!), and then go to the toilet and all that, (even though when I wake up my bladder feels like bursting!) The pattern at the moment is, I get up, go to the toilet, he starts whining and finding fault with absolutely everything and bursting into tears at the smallest thing - and this is after 12 hours sleep so it cant really be tiredness... and then I start having unhelpful thoughts like, 'oh for f**k's sake, can't I just have a f***king PEE for gods sake,' etc etc..and its all downhill from there. I've been gritting my teeth and being pleasant regardlss, but last two days that went out the window, I think bc I find weekends so tough and relentless with him (being a single parent). I really think I need to live around other people again even tho it makes things more complicated in many ways. I can't take being whined at and constantly having things demanded of me all the time, and I feel I need to spread it around and get my own needs for adult company met more. Last week I realised I didn't see a single friend all week. Sad. Sorry, rambling now. Grateful for this thread!
 

[WuWei]

Magnesium citrate is absorbed well orally (not all magnesium combos are). It is about $8 per month in tablets, generically. The Natural Calm is supposed to be more bio-available. I give it to our son.

Epsom salt baths are well absorbed magnesium through the skin, plus the sulfate in them helps the body to detoxify better. They are fairly inexpensive too. I've bought them from Costco, a bit cheaper than at CVS.  Ordering online is cheaper still, but you have to pay shipping.  Vitacost only charges $5 for shipping regardless of products ordered. So, we order in bulk there.

Bone broths and nettles infusions are inexpensive, bio-available and ideal alternatives for nutrients, including magnesium.

Pat

[neveryoumindthere]

Bumping.

[WuWei]

How are you mamas doing?  Holidays kindle (often unmet) expectations, especially when extended family is involved. 

Drink water, stay hydrated.

Take a walk, get outside and Breathe.  You do not have to DO everything and Be Everything for Everyone. 


Hope you all have a peaceful day on this special Mother's Day.  (magnesium and Epsom salt baths help immensely!)

Also, I found this new adaptogen herbal supplement. I took it on vacation and it helped me with the stress of travel/transitions.


Pat

[Devaya]

I was doing really really well, even in the holidays...and then there was a HUGE change to our routines with having to say goodbye to my car (it needed too expensive repairs) and as a result having to bus and walk it to DS's school three times a week...which is a total PITA. He is only 3 1/2 so gets tired walking but refuses to get in the buggy, so we have a lot of standoffs and I feel I'm always rushing him. We also have no time for playing together in the morning and barely any after returning from preschool (byt he time we get home its 4:15 sometimes) what with dinner needing to be made etc, so this is def having an impact on our relationship. I have snapped at him several times the last few days. I am finding his constant questions and tired-whinging really unbearable. I can be in the best mood ever when I go to pick him up, but it's all in pieces after 10 minutes. I want to be less reactive but the resounding thought in my head is that I don't want to be there, I want to be doing something else, which feels terrible.

I have been doing Epsom Salts baths several times a week but not just recently. Maybe need one!

[BeckyBird]

Devaya, I have a quick tip for dinnertime.....

Put a chair next to the counter, and put snacks and toys on the counter. Let your little buddy stand on the chair, and eat and play next to you while you are cooking. My kids hate when I am working in the kitchen, and I think it's because they feel left out. All alone on the floor, while mommy is up high doing something interesting! So the countertop play trick has worked wonders. Sometimes, I'll let the faucet run, and let my little girl play with the water.

It has made kitchen time into fun time!

[Devaya]

Thanks BeckyBird (love ur avatar by the way!), that's a great idea. My kitchen is TINY, but I'll see what I can do!

Does anyone else find this - I am actually LESS patient when I've had lots of breaks from my DS. As in, in the Easter holidays I got into this groove with him because he wasn't going to preschool etc, and somehow I just was more on his wavelength and we got into this co-operative harmony, where I hardly had any power struggles at all. Then when he's away from me 15 hours a week at preschool, which I THINK i need for my sanity and to work etc, I find it takes me so long to get back into a groove with him, by the time I do he's off again. Hhmm.

[sarahrockwell]

A friend on another online group I belong to brought this thread back to my attention and I went back and read my posts from a year ago and I feel like I just don't know who that woman is anymore and I feel like I really need to share an update. My anger and rage kept getting worse (mostly directed at DH and not DS, but still). By the time DS was 6 months old, DH and I were on the verge of divorce. I just wasn't myself. I finally went to see a psychologist I had seen during my high risk pregnancy who had helped me deal with some pregnancy-related depression. She told me something I had never been told. Postpartum Depression can manifest as rage. I had absolutely no other symptoms of PPD - I was bonded with my child, I was not sad or listless, I had plenty of energy to go to play dates and such. I was just ANGRY all the time and the slightest thing would send me into a rage. My psychologist sent me to my doctor to get medication and it worked beautifully. I am on 25 mg of zoloft a day (a VERY tiny dose) and I'm myself again. It's amazing. This is not to say that I never feel anger or even rage, but it's a rare occurrence rather than an every day thing. If you feel like you are angry all the time, if you feel like you truly can't control your rage, if you feel like you are not the same person you were before you had this child, please, please, please talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in PPD and get help!

Now onto how I've learned to manage the ocassional rages that do still occur. I think they're inevitable when you are dealing with toddler tantrums, aggression, clinginess, and whining. When DS now 18 months old (or another child in my care) is making me crazy and I'm ready to explode I use these tricks. 

1. Tell him I'm angry. I used to be super concerned with being gentle with DS to the point that I wanted to never ever show him my anger. Then I realized that this is totally unrealistic. People get angry - even adults. My job is to model to DS how to appropriately manage anger. I don't yell, hit, slam doors, throw things, threaten, or name call. I do make an angry face and in an angry (but not loud) tone say "Mommy is mad, mad, mad. I am mad because..." Amazingly my DS often stops the behavior I've named as the reason for my anger. He doesn't WANT me to be angry. And an added bonus, sometimes when he's angry, instead of screaming, hitting, or throwing things, he'll look at me and say "mad."
2. Nursing. It makes me and DS calm instantly. Also works on my BFF's son (we have a cross-nursing agreement)
3. Babywearing. It keeps an out of control child calm and contained and frequently puts and overtired child to sleep.
4. Baby in a safe place break. DS refuses to cosleep so we do have a crib and it's a perfect safe place, but I've also used a highchair, car seat brought inside, or even child-proofed room. I leave the DS with his lovie and a few books and walk outside for a few minutes to calm down. I frequently call DH or my mom to have a minute of adult time and reassurance and love. Yes, this does mean my DS has to be alone, often crying for a couple of minutes. So this is not ideal and really is a last resort that I don't come to often. However, when I'm really on the verge, it prevents me from doing or saying something I'll regret. It's also a great way to give DS the option of having calm-down time when I'm not angry. For instance, today I was trying to make an online bill payment to renew my teaching certificate and DS was screaming at me to read with him. I said "you can sit by me and quietly look at the book and I'll read it to you when I finish or you can look at the book in your crib." He chose to sit by me quietly. Other times he has chosen his crib - usually when he is tired or overstimulated and really does need some time (or a nap) in his crib.

I really hope that this information helps another new mom with a toddler :)

[Kanna]

Well, your 2 year old WAS misbehaving / bothering you when you asked him not to, so his behaviour was definitely something that required parental intervention.

Something that would help him learn that bothering other people when they nicely ask him not to is NOT acceptable.

The big question is: How do you do that?

The answer is difficult to find and if at that moment, you're at a loss at what to do, that makes you feel helpless.

I don't know about other people, but feeling helpless in the face of something that's bothering me always makes me feel angry. VERY angry.

Coupled with the fact that in this case, a familiar, well learned pattern of response to such situations was violence, I quite understand how you might have felt so enraged.

One part of the solution might be to come up with responses to such situations beforehand that don't involve violence. It might make you feel in control more and thus less angry.

No idea if that might work for you, but when my kid misbhaves (she's 2 too), I gently, sternly but firmly push her away from me or leave the room and leave her behind. I tell her why I do this too. Often, she'll start crying, because for her, knowing mommy is not happy with her and leaving her behind is very frightening. So if she does cry, I let her (no more than for a minute or two...just enough for it to be unpleasant, but not long enough for her to become frantic) and then I return and ask her if she will be a good girl? If she says "yes" I'll cuddle her and tell her that things are all right again between us and most of the time, she actually WILL behave better afterwards. If she doesn't, we repeat this little exercise until she does.

Bad behaviour SHOULD come with consequences....but they should be as gentle and as restrained as possible while still driving the point home. And they should not come from rage and helplessness, but from the knowledge that we love our kids and that we are teaching them to be the kind of people that will respect other people's boundaries.

[50bells]

Wow what a thread!  I only read the first page, but there is so much commonality here.  I struggled with the same thing, and my big trigger was when I felt helpless, stuck, unable to think of how to respond, what to do.  I learned through counseling that my "first erroneous belief" or "first error" was "I'm not good enough",and that is the basis for most of my negative feelings about myself and what I do.  So one way to combat it is Affirmations.  I have a few CDs with great affirmations to repeat to boost my self-acceptance (Shakti Gawain is one--Creative Visualizations).  I try to listen regularly and repeat along with her, then try to bring the really pertinent ones up during the day or when in a stuck situation.

Also, after being in Post Partum Depression for about 4 years (2 kids, 2 years apart), I finally realized that I should see about medication, and within a few days I felt like I was able to glimpse what it would be like to be a "Normal Mom"!  I experienced a situation that had triggered my rage every time, and this time I felt calm inside, and responded to my children appropriately instead of insanely.  It took me a long time to consider meds, partly because of the "I can do it myself/handle it" mentality that is so pervasive in our culture (just look at the idea that our babies need to learn to be independent going to sleep--cry it out--how would we NOT be conditioned to think we have to handle everything that comes our way and be able to do it on our own, without help, including medical help!?), and partly I really want/ed to be as chemical free as possible, and I was nursing for about 4 years.

But for me, the depression (which runs in my family) took the form of rage, instead of sadness.  Though there was a lot of sadness, too, of course, as I wept over my inability to be the mother I wanted to be, the mother my children deserved, and wept for my childrens' experience which I knew was forming the people they would become, and I as listened to this ridiculous tape in my head saying "I'm not enjoying my children the way I should, and I know I'll be so sorry for that in the future!". But not being able to fully enjoy them the way I wanted to.  That said, I will also say that I DID really enjoy my children, and I was a wonderful mom for them except in those times when I was sucked into the anger and frustration.  When I see video of those times, I see the mom who was there a lot of the time, and she adores and cherishes her babies and they know it deeply.  I think, even thinking back on those times, that I am aware of the bigger amount of time that I was frustrated and angry, and I remember that I tried SO HARD to keep my patience and loving approach, but I also remember those feelings, and they seem to be a lot of the time, but since I was successful at holding my anger in a lot of the time, my children didn't experience that time as negatively as I did.  They had a mom who was nice most of the time, and crazy sometimes.  I experienced it as being angry a lot and that sticks with me, but I am hopeful to think that it doesn't stick with them as much.  They are 10 and 12 now, and we are SO connected and in love with each other.  I am the mom I want to be most of the time (tho I still have the tape in my head that says in certain challenging situations, "What would the Good Mommies do here?") and able to feel patient and loving so much of the time.  It's hard to say how much of that is the meds (I am also an older mom, birthing my second child a week after my 40th birthday, and there were certainly hormonal issues going on! then--nursing and going into peri-menopause....now (LOL!) it's approaching parenting tweens/teens, and being in my own menopausal hormone fluctuations!!

I just had a revelation in re-reading this, but I can't remember it now because I had to take time out to go find out why my kids were screaming at each other!  Ah, such the life of a mom!

I extend best wishes and hopes for all of you who are struggling with these things.  Just know that you love your children and you are doing your best.  I think Maya Angelou said something like "I did the best with what I knew, when I knew better, I did better."  That comforted me (and still does) some.  Also a good mantra..."This too shall pass".  Love and light to you all.