Parenting and Rage - Page 88

[50bells]

Hi, I'm not sure if this reply is going to the right place, but I'm trying to reply to Awaken's post about nursing/biting. 

My kids are 10 and 12 now, so I'm out of the baby stage, but I had a lot of trouble with my first baby not sleeping much.  I can't imagine going through it without my husband there to help.  So, first of all, know that what you are doing is really challenging and it is to be expected (therefore, very normal) for you to be struggling and feeling overwhelmed.  Some take comfort in knowing that, and sometimes we need someone to tell us that.

Second, when I was in that phase of life, someone told me a very comforting helpful bit of information--she said "You know, they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture".  The intention is to make the person feel crazy.  That is probably where you are living right now.  I've been there.  It's really bad.

Thirdly, you do not have to allow your one year old to bite you when nursing.  I think that the recommended response to a biting baby is to remove them from the breast.  She's probably old enough to understand that consequence after having it applied consistently a number of times.  If you can clearly communicate what's happening -- "No bite." remove her from the breast, but maybe keep holding her.  Then let her back on and if she bites again, repeat the message and removal.  If she does nurse nicely, maybe give lots of reinforcement--smiling, cooing, "nice nursing", "that feels nice".  If she keeps biting, maybe she doesn't really need to nurse just then.  A nursing consultant might be helpful with just this aspect of things.

What you said was that if you didn't allow her to do that, she screamed and screamed.  What was she getting out of doing that?  It's really okay for you to not allow her to hurt you.  Can you figure out why she is doing that? I don't think she would have an actual need to do that behavior, so is it a result of something else, is it a way to keep you holding her?  What is it that she needs and is there another way to help her get that need met?  Do you think it is pure behavior for behavior sake?  If you think it is, then you might be able to help/teach her about changing her behavior.

I know it's hard to hear your baby to scream and scream --can you tell if she is in pain or discomfort?  Are there any other ways she can be comforted besides nursing? It seems like anything would be better than allowing her to hurt you (especially your nipples, as that profoundly affects your ability and comfort for continuing nursing!).  That is hard on your relationship with her in terms of your ability to feel loving toward her in some ways, I would imagine.  Not having that experience/interaction between you would be better than her getting what she wants (what makes her stop screaming) and you getting hurt and aggravated for 5 hours when what you both need is to be sleeping.  If you walked, rocked, sang, whatever-ed while she screamed, would that be awful-but-slightly-better-than-shredded-nipples? 

I hope you won't feel like I'm criticizing or judging you...I've been through what you're talking about and struggled.  With the perspective of someone whose kids are older, I do see that it's not as bad as it seems for babies to cry.  There is even an author --Aletha Seaver --who suggests that sometimes babies need to cry.  That it is a way for them to release stress.  Sometimes/some babies need to use that method to release the everyday stress that occurs from being a baby, and they may need to release in order to go to sleep.  Her point of view is that the most important part is to be with the baby when they cry.  So maybe you could try just letting her cry/scream right beside you on the  bed.  give her/yourself maybe 10 minutes and see how you both feel at that point.  It may be that she releases and exhausts herself and settles for better nursing or goes to sleep.  I know how hard it is to let your baby cry, but what if that is what she needs?  There are so many unknowns.  But I think trying it while being right there and conveying sympathetic feelings and love and acceptance might be worth a try.  You will probably instinctively know a few minutes in whether this is okay for your baby or not.  I tried Cry It Out once with my first baby, and within a minute my heart was saying loudly, "This is not right for this baby!". I listened.

Given how little it sounds like she sleeps, she may also be functioning at a sleep deprived level.  I know my babies both had this phenomenon of: the less they slept the less they could sleep.!  If they were well rested, they could more easily settle to sleep and also to put themselves back to sleep after a normal cycle--so if they woke at 4:00am, they could settle themselves back to sleep rather than waking fully and need help to get back to sleep.  The more tired they were, the more likely they were to have trouble getting settled down to sleep, and the more likely they were to wake early and be up and wanting to be done with bed....(which of course, made them even tired-er!)  It's strange and counter-intuitive, but I have talked to lots of other parents who have noticed this.  So it's possible that she just feels like, "I feel icky and I need something!", and maybe she's trying the nursing/biting/pulling thing.  Maybe you can help her explore different things to see if there is something else that will help her with that problem.

I did also notice that the more upset I became, the more upset the baby became--that was especially true with my second baby, my son, who is a super sensitive child.  Which isn't great advice for someone who is trying their very best to stay calm...I know.  But maybe knowing that will help.  You could try some deep breathing to keep yourself calm.or whatever technique might help you.

Of course, this is all a guess, but I wanted to see if I could help you with some of the things that I learned when I was struggling with some of the same things. I wish for you the best, and hope that something here may help.  I would be glad to "talk" if you would like to just bounce things off...

[kayleesmom]

hugs to all

[IwannaBanRN]

I don't know what kind of stuff this thread has discussed as of late or over the last 4 years, but I am going by the first post, and I have to say the OP really hit spot on with how I felt towards my son. I was also raised in a violent home. My son will be 5 in December and was an obnoxious 3 years old when my DD was born. Things had progressively gotten worse throughout my pregnancy with her as far as his behavior and I found myself in a rage almost all the time. I wanted to spank him alot and I yelled, even though I didn't want to. After DD was born, his behavior got even worse and I started resenting him. It wasn't until he was 4 that I started to get help because I had started pushing him and yelled more. I brought him to my mom so I could have an intervention as far as my behavior and to get on the medication I needed to be on for my bipolar. I find myself more even tempered now that I'm medicated, but even now, I am afraid of being mean to him and harming him emotionally. He heard me once talking to my sister when I was rage-venting about him, and I'd said that I loved him with all my heart, I just didn't feel like I liked him. That was almost a year ago and he remembers that and told my mom about it once when he was sad. I am sure he'll need therapy, and it's best if it happens now, I guess than if he has issues when he's older because of stuff I did/said. He's coming back on the 7th and I'm a bit scared. I KNOW I love my son and I want him to be a healthy happy boy. I just can't help but feel scared about getting him back.

[becoming]

Back & needing this thread more than ever. My kids are all grown up, or at least it feels that way (almost 10, almost 6, and just turned 4), and I'm still struggling so much. I feel like they're going to be adults & I still won't have been the mom I wanted to be, or anywhere close. I just feel so helpless & like it's never going to change. I wake up with the best of intentions every morning, and by the time they've been up 20 minutes, I'm yelling or belittling or threatening or all of the above. It's just SO MUCH, having to do everything and be everything all.the.time.

[Devaya]

IWannaBanRN, I just wanted to send you my support. I'm in huge admiration of your courage for going to your mom and getting an intervention, admitting your problem, and being able to acknowledge the effects on your son of your behaviour. I recognised myself in your post, and I just wonder if I should be getting more help. I've been going much longer periods without blowing up lately, like weeks which is really good for me, but then I had another explosion a few days ago out of the blue which really scared me. It seems to happen when DS has been at his dad's overnight and he comes back all kind of cocky and macho, (he's only 4!), I can just see his dad in him, and he tends to be very disrespectful to me then. I have done something that really has reduced the blow-ups lately, perhaps it will be of help to someone on here: I wrote out some key phrases on a piece of paper (and put on living room wall), to do with anger, suggestions of what to do when I'm in the heat of the moment, including one useful suggestion an MDC mom said on another thread: as soon as you feel anger coursing through your body, lie on the ground and go limp like a piece of grass, just let the anger move through your body and make your muscles go totally limp, don't move, and don't get up until it's passed. I found that really helpful - only prob is, I forgot about it the other day ;) Other things were, breathe, drink a glass of water, walk out the room etc. DS noticed my pieces of paper on the wall and asked about them, and said he wanted his own, and as he struggles with anger too (being 4!), I wrote some phrases and drew some pictures. It's brilliant because since then he's been saying 'Mommy, look at the paper!' when my tone of voice gets 'irked', and I can remind him too to look at his paper when he's starting to lose it (he tends to hit me and throw things at me when mad).

The hardest thing has been knowing how hyp9ocritical I can be because I can tell DS not to hit, throw things, shout etc, but I have done all of those things except hit - I've been very borderline though, like pushing, rough handling, even standing on his leg once to keep him still when he was thrashing around. Awful!! He also keeps saying, 'Daddy never shouts,' etc, and the thing is, his dad sees him once a week and is a totally detached, unengaged parent so DS pulls out the stops trying to please him and doesn't 'misbehave', so its a totally different dynamic - of course his dad doesn't shout! Not that that's ANY excuse for my behaviour. I am going to a dance expression/movement meditation course where we work on feelings like anger and fear and it's helping me a LOT to see when these feelings come up in my body and recognise them sooner, and its also been helping me release anger from my own abusive childhood. So I am doing stuff... I just wonder if it's enough. I don't want DS to be scarred like I was by my dad. 

Becoming, hugs to you too... I really know that feeling of waking every morning with good intentions and then losing your way...I can only imagine how much harder it must be with 3 kids and all the dynamics...and I wouldnt say 4 is grown up, I think 4 is very challenging! 

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by Devaya 

IWannaBanRN, I just wanted to send you my support. I'm in huge admiration of your courage for going to your mom and getting an intervention, admitting your problem, and being able to acknowledge the effects on your son of your behaviour. I recognised myself in your post, and I just wonder if I should be getting more help. I've been going much longer periods without blowing up lately, like weeks which is really good for me, but then I had another explosion a few days ago out of the blue which really scared me. It seems to happen when DS has been at his dad's overnight and he comes back all kind of cocky and macho, (he's only 4!), I can just see his dad in him, and he tends to be very disrespectful to me then. I have done something that really has reduced the blow-ups lately, perhaps it will be of help to someone on here: I wrote out some key phrases on a piece of paper (and put on living room wall), to do with anger, suggestions of what to do when I'm in the heat of the moment, including one useful suggestion an MDC mom said on another thread: as soon as you feel anger coursing through your body, lie on the ground and go limp like a piece of grass, just let the anger move through your body and make your muscles go totally limp, don't move, and don't get up until it's passed. I found that really helpful - only prob is, I forgot about it the other day ;) Other things were, breathe, drink a glass of water, walk out the room etc. DS noticed my pieces of paper on the wall and asked about them, and said he wanted his own, and as he struggles with anger too (being 4!), I wrote some phrases and drew some pictures. It's brilliant because since then he's been saying 'Mommy, look at the paper!' when my tone of voice gets 'irked', and I can remind him too to look at his paper when he's starting to lose it (he tends to hit me and throw things at me when mad).

The hardest thing has been knowing how hyp9ocritical I can be because I can tell DS not to hit, throw things, shout etc, but I have done all of those things except hit - I've been very borderline though, like pushing, rough handling, even standing on his leg once to keep him still when he was thrashing around. Awful!! He also keeps saying, 'Daddy never shouts,' etc, and the thing is, his dad sees him once a week and is a totally detached, unengaged parent so DS pulls out the stops trying to please him and doesn't 'misbehave', so its a totally different dynamic - of course his dad doesn't shout! Not that that's ANY excuse for my behaviour. I am going to a dance expression/movement meditation course where we work on feelings like anger and fear and it's helping me a LOT to see when these feelings come up in my body and recognise them sooner, and its also been helping me release anger from my own abusive childhood. So I am doing stuff... I just wonder if it's enough. I don't want DS to be scarred like I was by my dad. 

THAT is a really awesome idea! I love the idea of the pictures and words for the children. Michael gets unreasonably angry sometimes, but mostly when he's over-tired. Last night, he was really pushing my buttons because he would blatantly do things to make me or DH mad. I yelled, but only to get his attention, not to be cruel or yell AT him and make him feel bad. I don't know that I could just lay on the floor when I get angry because usually when I get angry, the kids are doing something that they aren't supposed to be. lol

I felt TERRIBLE about telling Michael not to hit and then slap his hand. He's so much better about manners and being respectful. I haven't found any reason to spank him like I used to. I hate the idea that I had to spank him before. The worst part about sending DS to my mom was people knowing about it and judging me for it, saying that I didn't want him anymore because he was "a problem child". And the truth is, MY problems made me send him off. I didn't want to hurt him. And of course, you can't tell other people that because then they say "good thing he's NOT with you then, huh?" And continue to call me a horrible parent. I say good for you too. It's hard to be a parent that has anger problems when you didn't think you'd be that way with children, especially your own.

[darkandlight]

this thread hit home, as it did for many others.  i have not read through all the years of posts here, but a few in the beginning the the last few.  I was not abused, but there was much termoil and violence in my childhood - working/going to school mother, detached-absent father, on/off loving/cruel stepmother, and older siblings often left in charge.  It was a happy childhood with some sadness deep down. 

I have so much rage in me.  I can relate to so much said.  My poor children, I feel such guilt. 

I love the "laying down and going limp" idea.  I will share it with my dh and kids, we will all use it and benefit from it. 

Thanks to whoever started this thread, and all those who shared - what  blessing support is.  This was just what I needed tonight.

[Devaya]

Originally Posted by darkandlight 

this thread hit home, as it did for many others.  i have not read through all the years of posts here, but a few in the beginning the the last few.  I was not abused, but there was much termoil and violence in my childhood - working/going to school mother, detached-absent father, on/off loving/cruel stepmother, and older siblings often left in charge.  It was a happy childhood with some sadness deep down. 

I have so much rage in me.  I can relate to so much said.  My poor children, I feel such guilt. 

I love the "laying down and going limp" idea.  I will share it with my dh and kids, we will all use it and benefit from it. 

Thanks to whoever started this thread, and all those who shared - what  blessing support is.  This was just what I needed tonight.

welcome to the thread :) I'm so happy that an idea I passed on from another mama is helpful to you. I know the guilt you speak of so well. I try to remember each day is a new one, and that I can only do the best I can. Learning to parent myself seems to be the key. An ongoing process.... it is so hard to parent when you had inconsistent, neglectful, unsupportive or abusive parenting, and so I have discovered the parenting needs to re-occur for me inside, so I can feel safe enough to not need to take my child's feelings and actions and words personally, but to be able to hold the space for him. 

[Devaya]

Need to come on here right now because I'm really struggling with my 4 year old's defiance, tantrums and daily throwing of hard objects at my head. It kills me b/c I feel I try so hard to let him have the maximum amount of choice and inclusion in our two person household....but no matter what I do, he gets angry with me at some point b/c that is what kids do and b/c he cannot realistically always have his way. Lately we get into fights where I end up shouting at him and saying things like, 'Here's your ****ing rice cake!' etc, it usually happens after I've been SUPER patient for a few hours and suddenly I just reach a maximum ceiling of being tired of taking abuse. 

Sigh. It's so tough. The other day I was on the phone and he got angry and started kicking and hitting me and without thinking I just kicked him right back. It was a horrible moment. He kept saying in tears, 'Why did you kick me?' Awful. It was a total knee jerk reaction. Sometimes I feel I just cannot take care of him, I am just a child myself and can barely control myself. HOw can I expect him to control himself? the worst thing is I think the neighbours hear me screaming and we are quite friendly with each other so I just feel super shame about it. 

[IwannaBanRN]

 I'm sorry, mama. It's hard to keep up with the change we want so badly to happen, especially when we change, but other things WON'T change. Such as your DS's behavior. My son was so nice and polite when we retrieved him from my mom's place back in September. Now he's just as bad, if not a bit worse. And I PAY ATTENTION to him now and don't neglect his needs. He's at my mom's right now, because he didn't want to be here for the birth of the new baby and so it'd be easier for me to transition to having a baby again. I'll be getting him in 2 weeks. I am at the end of my rope. No matter what we try, it just won't work. I'm starting to fear him going to school next year because of his behavior problems and disobedience.

[Devaya]

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

 I'm sorry, mama. It's hard to keep up with the change we want so badly to happen, especially when we change, but other things WON'T change. Such as your DS's behavior. My son was so nice and polite when we retrieved him from my mom's place back in September. Now he's just as bad, if not a bit worse. And I PAY ATTENTION to him now and don't neglect his needs. He's at my mom's right now, because he didn't want to be here for the birth of the new baby and so it'd be easier for me to transition to having a baby again. I'll be getting him in 2 weeks. I am at the end of my rope. No matter what we try, it just won't work. I'm starting to fear him going to school next year because of his behavior problems and disobedience.

Thank you :) I'm sorry to hear things are tough with your DS again not long after his return. Honestly, I fantasise at times about being able to hand him over to his dad for good, but his dad is a very detached unininterested parent so I just hold on b/c I think at least we are close and he knows I really care about him and want to do stuff with him.

I think, reading your post, that there's often a time lag between when we change and when our DC's do - i often give up too soon and find it hard to be consistent, but I have new resolve to try now after looking at some stuff from Naomi Aldort on the 'Ask the Experts' bit of MDC (read her book too a while ago and go back to it often). I think sometimes they are still angry/sad about what's happened between them and their parent and it takes time to heal that, I know my son has sometimes taken that out on me a bit for a while after I have turned over a new leaf. Here's a quote I found helpful in reading about a 3 year old who hits (and whose mother ended up hitting him back sometimes but wanted to stop), from the Naomi Aldort questions page: 'One quick guess I have is that you confuse meeting needs with letting your baby have whatever he wants, and you also confuse his need for autonomy with giving him power over others. At the same time you may have been controlling him and he therefore may feel angry and helpless. Please realize that I cannot counsel you via a question and answer.' That just felt bang on for me - I think I tiptoe around my son, scared of him getting angry, almost apologising for my own existence, and he senses my guilt and confusion and it makes him feel insecure and unsafe, then he acts out, then I eventually react, or even if I stay calm outwardly inside I am usually a mess inside, and i really think children can pick that up - they're way more empathic than most adults. It's like a vicious cycle. I also pay lip service to giving him choice etc but am still actually quite controlling because I am afraid (of being controlled by him).

Today when my son came home from his dad's I just concentrated on loving him and being strong in my own centre, and it really really helped. It helped too of course that i'd had some time off! But often when we've had time apart we get on WORSE, so I think it was more my attitude. When he got upset about stuff I re-directed him and was clear but firm, and sometimes changed the subject or just moved things on so we didn't get stuck in a 'No' - 'Yes' - 'No' - 'Yes' battle. Then tonight when I put him to bed he was so loving and affectionate with me, in a different way than usual. I think most of the time I don't allow myself to relax and enjoy him, and when i do he feels it and we get close again, and everything is easier to deal with. 

Anyway, bit of a ramble but hope some of it helps someone. 

[OkiMom]

I haven't posted here in what seems like forever but Im really needing some support and honestly I have no one to turn to who'd understand (and don't want to hear about how a good spanking will change everything which is what I hear from people I know IRL).

Ill reintroduce myself since its been so long. Im Heather, Ive been married for six years to an active duty Marine. Before I was married I was also active duty and was diagnoised with PTSD after a combat tour to Iraq, its been pretty much "under control" for years now but it surfaces during times of extreme stress or conflict. I have three children ages 4,3 and 10 months. Currently the children and I live in Florida and my husband is deployed to Afghanistan. Its been one hell of a year for me. In February I had my beautiful little boy. End of April we moved from Japan to Florida, middle of May my husband left Florida for training in North Carolina and then he deployed shortly there after. I wasn't 100% wanting to move to Florida but he really insisted so I gave in. He thought that since I would be near his family I would have help, but that didn't happen. They have only wanted to help me on their schedule (which is fine, I know they don't have to but its not help keeping the kids up 2-4 hours past their bedtimes and dealing with the resulting meltdowns) and they don't like my parenting style. I get to hear all the time about how much "better" my SIL is doing and how "hard" it is for her being a "single mom" (not bashing single moms but she lives with her boyfriend and his whole family so to me thats not a single mom). I get to hear them compare my baby to his cousin who is a month younger but according to my in-laws so much more advanced and "great" then mine. His Aunt has been horrible to me (name calling, spreading lies, acting like Im the worse thing in the world etc) and has tried everything to make my life a living hell. So, I have been on 24/7 since the middle of May and even before that I was planning an international move, taking care of a newborn and two older children pretty much alone since DH works extremely long hours.

The deployment hasn't been easy since the beginning. In June my Grandmother passed away. She had been a surrogate mother to me since my mom (her daughter) died when I was 14. It hit me hard, especially since I couldn't be there for my family (they lived in California and there was no way for us to afford to fly us out there). I forced myself to remain positive and active for my children's sake but I could tell it was hitting hard. In September stuff with my husband's aunt started really blowing up and I went from having a little support from his parents/sister to have absolutely none. I didn't even have anyone to turn to if I needed to talk. I made the mistake of going to a family dinner and my husband's aunt decided to very loudly ask what I was planning to do if my husband died and didn't come home, right in front of my 4 year old. So since then my oldest has been having nightmares about her father not coming home. At least 2-3 times a week I spend several hours holding my sobbing child because shes scared her Daddy won't come back to her. I have had very limited contact with my husband's aunt since then because that was just cruel. I don't need to be reminded I could lose the love of my life and my daughters don't need to be scared like that.

Unfortunately all this stress has made a lot of the PTSD symptoms return. Ive been going on little to no sleep between my children not sleeping well and nightmares. Ive had several panic attacks in public and at home. It also has made a lot of anger resurface that I am usually able to control but I can't seem to do anymore. I haven't been being a good mother to my children. Ive been snapping and rough with them. Ive been way to critical and Ive been yelling over just about anything and everything you can imagine. I can see it in my oldest daughter's face that its hurting her to have me like this its just I can't seem to stop myself. When I lose it almost feels like Im watching myself from outside of myself. I hate what I see but I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. I know Im adult and I should be able to but lord I can't figure out how.

I don't want my children growing up like this. Its how I grew up. My mother spent my whole childhood basically telling me I wasn't good enough. Yelling over everything. My father and her use to get in fights and throw things us each other, which hit us more often than not. My half brother was really abusive (and please don't say its normal sibling stuff, taking a knife to your sister and cutting her hand open isn't normal) and my mother would tell us it was out fault for provoking him. I almost didn't have children because I didn't want to continue on the evil cycle my family was on (my mothers father had been abusive and as much as I loved my grandma she was extremely critical of everyone in the family) and Im afraid Im doing just that. I just want my babies to have a better life than I did and Im not sure Im capable of it right now. They deserve so much better than what they have, they deserve a calm mom and a dad that doesn't miss every little thing they do. They don't even complain either, they are always telling people their dad is their hero and they have the best mom. I don't know how they could love me when Im so mean to them at times.

How do you stop a cycle when its the only thing you know? Ive never had an example of a "good" mom. I don't know how to be calm or work them through things. I just want my children to have a happy childhood and I know unless I can figure these things out they won't.

[mrsteapot]

Heather are you near a base? Do you have a church you go to? (if I remember right, you are LDS?) If it is one that DH's family goes to, try to find a different one. Look for a MOPS group or something that will give you away to make friends that are not family. You need support. You sound a lot like us, moved back from Japan and DH left with in 6 months for a tour to Afghanistan. It is very stressful. If you are near a base look for the Marine and Family services or what ever the equivalent is, and ask about support groups.

My heart just goes out to you because I know exactly what you are feeling, that overwhelming, paralyzing freaking out that comes out in snapping anger at your kids.

You've already broken the cycle, you just need to find your path again. Part of that is getting away from the negative people that are making you doubt so much. The best thing I was ever told that helped me deal with anger and rage was that Anger is a secondary emotion. Something else (fear, sadness, frustration etc..) is always the primary one. If you can slow down and ask yourself "Why am I angry? What am I really feeling? Why am I feeling that? What can I do about it?" it is amazing how you can turn the anger into a productive emotion and use it to problem solve a way out of what it is you are really dealing with. 

OK, back to lurking..... 

[Devaya]

Originally Posted by mrsteapot 

Heather are you near a base? Do you have a church you go to? (if I remember right, you are LDS?) If it is one that DH's family goes to, try to find a different one. Look for a MOPS group or something that will give you away to make friends that are not family. You need support. You sound a lot like us, moved back from Japan and DH left with in 6 months for a tour to Afghanistan. It is very stressful. If you are near a base look for the Marine and Family services or what ever the equivalent is, and ask about support groups.

My heart just goes out to you because I know exactly what you are feeling, that overwhelming, paralyzing freaking out that comes out in snapping anger at your kids.

You've already broken the cycle, you just need to find your path again. Part of that is getting away from the negative people that are making you doubt so much. The best thing I was ever told that helped me deal with anger and rage was that Anger is a secondary emotion. Something else (fear, sadness, frustration etc..) is always the primary one. If you can slow down and ask yourself "Why am I angry? What am I really feeling? Why am I feeling that? What can I do about it?" it is amazing how you can turn the anger into a productive emotion and use it to problem solve a way out of what it is you are really dealing with. 

OK, back to lurking..... 

Heather hugs to you too...that sounds so rough. I agree with mrsteapot and think that another way of looking at it that helps me is to think, underneath the anger is always an unmet need - so, what do I need? and talking to myself inwardly about that has really helped lately - as soon as I start to feel any tiny bit of stress, I start talking to myself (in my head), like parenting myself the way I never was parented. 'Oh, that is hard Devaya, what's going on there for you...it's no wonder you feel xyz, you know, you can take a break later and do xyz, you can talk to a friend...' etc, sounds  abit lame on paper but it's been helping me separate out from my feelings and take a step back before I just suddenly find myself screaming.

DS has not been to preschool for a week and I've noticed how much less aggravating our relat has felt. Honestly thinking for many reasons of pulling him out. I have not felt even close to blowing up during the time he's been at home - strange b/c I am with him all the time, so you'd think I'd get full up more quickly - but somehow i get MORE furious when I have time away from him and then have to change modes and accommodate his needs. 

[Mam2ArdeumDoll]

I am a new parent to an amazing 3 1/2 month old girl.  And last Sunday, it was just her and I in the apartment.  I'd been on cycle of trying to frantically finish work online and tend to her crying, whimpering, needs, etc, while trying to finish the other work due online. 

At the last minute, while I was trying to scan and upload some work on the internet, when I had refused to pick her up as I had been doing all during the day, she began crying and screaming SO loudly.  And then..... well I just lost it.  I yelled at her to stop screaming, "Shut-up.  Shut-up.  Do you know what shaken baby syndrome is?"    I scream at her.  She was sitting in her swing-glider.  And I just grab the edge of the glider with my hands and clenched and shook it so hard.  It was sickening, to feel that overwhelming heat of rage.  It just brimmed up in my stomach and up my chest and shot out at her, so suddenly! 

I couldn't foresee it or control it, the rage just APPEARED, "how dare she....she's ruining the work...all that hard work.  Just because of an ill-disciplined brat!" - the voice in my head projected.   The rage, I wasn't even aware of it building.  I was just so tired and had been acting so patient with the baby's needs all day.  I practice attachment parenting 24-7. And she can be demanding at times.

OMG, I do not remember feeling that kind of rage, in years.  And it frightened me. I remember the expression on her face.  Her eyes went so large, and her breath just stopped with some small shock.  And then she let out the most gutsy cry.  And her small face just turned so RED!  I can just imagine how I looked to her.  LIke somekind of scary, large person.  A veritable stranger in her mother's body.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to frighten her.  Because, to this day I still remember the look on my own mother's face when she'd "flip out".  And to this day I still remember the bruises and fear.  Both emotional and physical. 

I realize that part of the problem is my perspective of things.  I was so "HUNG" up on finishing that project and so stressed about it.  I should of had kept things in perspective.  And been rationale, as much as possible.  The project was important sure, but my daughter's well-being is important too.  And I can take those deep breaths and close my eyes when I feel some of that tension come on.  When I start to feel the LEAST amount of stress creep in.  I need to take preventive measures.  I WILL NOT BE THAT PERSON.  I CANNOT be that person.  I can grow out of that existence.  And learn better coping skills. 

I owe to my daughter.  I owe it to myself. 

1.  Take stock of things and realize control is only an illusion. 

2.  Thus take things in stride. No SUCH THING AS PERFECTION.

3.  Preventive measures to take deep controlled breaths when confronted with

     stressful situations. Time-outs.

4.  Try to get plenty of rest.  And try to become more organized.  Plan. 

5.  Forgive the past and the people who were a part of it. 

6.  Tell myself daily that I am a good mother.  And forgive myself.   

[louicq]

I am so grateful to have found these threads. I know I am a few years too late. But it helped to read them because I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I suffer PMDD and am reluctant to take meds and have been playing with it such as not taking as many or as much. The result is wild rages that I can't control. I too attend AA (11 years) and I totally relate to having said I would never behave like my mother, which is how she behaved and trying to read all these montessori books and failing because i just don't have the patience. I raged tonight because I am in the thick of PMDD. I have been unable to function for 2 days and feel very ill. My hubby works away in the mines for 3 weeks at a time and is only home for 1 week. I am not coping with this all by myself and don't feel I have a right to this because I only have one child (and a puppy). All my family live in another country and I don't have many friends here. At a meeting today I cried so much that some AA members have rallied around to help me out. That's so sweet of them. 

Tonight I raged at my daughter because she just wouldn't go to sleep. She then wanted water and I drop everything and get it. Then she got something in her eye and wouldn't let me help her. I threw her on her bed and slammed the door. She then threw up and the dog was trying to eat it, I totally lost it and punched the door and ran away screaming and crying. I feel so trapped. I feel so alone. There's no let up. I didn't think motherhood would be like this. Is it just our modern age or have mother's always felt like this? I am so full of hate that I behaved the way I did. I calmed down and went in and hugged my daughter and apologised. She's only 3. I never wanted to be like this and would rather kill myself than hurt her. my own mother was like this and i grew up in fear and ended up drinking at 14 suffering anorexia. i know i need help but it's so expense and im over reading books on self help!

[Louplus2]

I am so full of shame today. This is so hard.

I am a SAHM to 2 gorgeous little boys. DS1 is 29 months and DS2 is 7 months. We recently moved to an area that is 4 hours away from family and friends. OH is out the house from 8am to 6.30pm. We co-sleep, breastfeed, AP as much as possible. You all know the drill.

I grew up in a house full of yelling, smacking was routine for minor infractions. I didn't get hit because I learnt very quickly watching my older brother. I was quiet and shy. OH grew up in a house worse than me. He was the oldest, so he bore the brunt of his mother's anger and he has the scars to prove it.

Neither of us believe in hitting of any kind. We try to use GD whenever possible.

I don't want my children to grow up with the kind of fear I had. I want disagreements to be resolved without anger or tempers being flared.

Yet I find myself unable to control myself at the moment. I haven't hit them, but I have grabbed DS1 arm too roughly, Today I screamed at him from the top of the stairs. I had put DS2 finally down for his nap and DS1 yelling that he wanted to come up the stairs woke him up. I lost my temper and was yelling at him. I am sure the whole street could have heard me.

I just don't know how to get back to where I was. When DS1 was born and until we had DS2 I could discipline him without shouting.

I find that I am short-tempered, prone to yelling. Someone is always touching me and it is starting to drive me bonkers.

DS2 is very clingy, I find it very difficult to even have a shower, let alone wash any dishes or put any laundry on.

Somebody always seems to be crying at the moment. The baby or the toddler. I dread to think what the people next door must think.

I want our home to be full of love, laughter and conversations. I know these things are built on a life-time of shared experiences. I just don't want ours to be too negative.

I do need to just share that neither boys are afraid of me DS1 doesn't even pay any attention when I start shouting, which I suppose is a good thing.

Any tips mamas to get back to a good and positive parenting of 2 little ones. I don't know if it's having 2 or having a toddler that's got me so unravelled.

How do you other mamas do it without losing their everloving sh*t over it?

[Mommel]

Originally Posted by Louplus2 

Any tips mamas to get back to a good and positive parenting of 2 little ones. I don't know if it's having 2 or having a toddler that's got me so unravelled.

How do you other mamas do it without losing their everloving sh*t over it?

I just wanted to say that I am glad to find this thread. I have a really hard time not losing it, especially on the super clingy days (teething or feeling sick). It goes double when I have a deadline that I am rushing to meet, which is often... and it's even harder when I'm in physical pain with sore nipples, sore back/muscles, headache from all the shrieking, etc. I do lose it sometimes, though it doesn't seem to make much of an impact on him so far (thank GOD), and mostly I go to another room to scream into a pillow or pound on the bed until it passes, but sometimes I just shriek back at him, which he seems to find hilarious, but makes me feel like a monster. I'm getting help for my PTSD, as I've found that my rage comes mostly from fear (BD was extremely emotionally/physically abusive - as were several exes before him - and I left him when I was 3 months pregnant). That helps, but it's a struggle and it makes it so much easier to know I'm not alone.

[applecider]

I wanted to comment again on this thread, it's been years since I first did. But I want to share what has worked for me. First off...I started medication. Wow, I wish I had done that a long time ago. I was so scared to take medication...what about side effects? Will I damage my body? What if it doesn't work? I should be able to do the natural thing! No. My brain was chemically imbalanced and I needed the help. Now I feel so much better that if I had to stay on medication the rest of my life, I would absolutely do it. I didn't realize how much better I could feel! I think the rage was a symptom of a lot of depression and anxiety that I never knew I had.

Secondly, I took a parenting class. It was Positive Discipline and it was so awesome to sit in a room with other parents, sharing stories and realizing that we are not alone. Then to be able to learn tools to help us in our parenting journey. Best time and I money I could have spent and I plan on taking the same class again just to refresh myself.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still have my moments, more than I would like to have, but I'm not screaming at my kids anymore. When I do scream now, they are shocked and tell me to stop yelling because it is so uncommon of me now. Before, it was no big deal because mommy was always screaming.

So that's my story, and I just wanted everyone to know that there IS another side, just work on getting the help you need and letting your kids know how much you love them.

mamas!

[gitanamama]

Wow--what a powerful thread! It helps me tremendously to read through these pages (I haven't made it through all 88 yet!) and realize that I'm not alone in feeling rage towards my child, and that it doesn't make me a bad mother. It's something I'm working really hard on and it's honestly one of the hardest challenges I've faced so far. I've always thought of myself a very peaceful, patient person, but since my son was about 18 months, I have found myself having moments of intense anger, frustration, and rage towards him. He's a particularly high-needs little guy and his whining, tantrums, and demanding nature often just wear me out completely and leave me feeling raw and irritated. In these moments, I find myself wanting to lash out (either verbally or physically) although I manage not to. But I can literally feel white hot energy running through my body--my heart race increases and sometimes my hands literally tremble. I've never felt such intense emotion at any point in my life, and honestly it scares me. I am glad that I haven't gotten to the point of yelling or spanking at my son, but I don't think it's healthy for me to hold such strong emotion in either. I'd like to find a way to defuse before getting to that boiling point, which is what I'm working on now. I've started taking "time-outs" for myself. This often means I leave my son alone screaming hysterically or having a tantrum on the floor, but I feel like it's better to step away than risk taking my anger to the next level. 

I wonder if the rage many of us feel has to do with carrying too much as mothers. Ever since becoming a parent, the single-family living system that's so common in "developed" countries has seemed absolutely ridiculous to me. There's so much truth to the proverb, "It takes a village to raise a child." Often, when I'm feeling angry at my son, the root of it is actually just feeling overwhelmed. I think we expect so much of ourselves as mothers---and society expects so much of us--and not all of us have the support system that we need. We're working on creating a "communal" house with my mom and eventually MIL---I know it may come with other stressors, but I think having two extra sets of hands (and two extra hearts!) will really help me feel less overwhelmed and angry.