Parenting and Rage - Page 2

[sweetest]

I feel so much like that

The guilt can be so disabling - I feel so guilty right now for my professional failures that it has infected every aspect of my life. I come onto to MDC to take a break from studying and I feel guilty for that.

[mightymoo]

Originally Posted by APMom98

Instead of getting furious because the girls decided that it would be appropriate to dump a bottle of Hershey's strawberry milk mix all over the kitchen/diningroom/bathroom floors : I realized that my anger was from my own guilt for leaving them alone to play with that, while I was browsing on MDC yesterday morning. : And so, it completely diffused the situation because I was no longer angry with them...and my guilt, in that situation was reasonable. But I didn't yell. So I had no reason to feel guilty or angry towards them. Did that make any sense?

Thanks for posting this - reading this was a little lightbulb moment for me - I definitely get more angry with DD when I am distracted with something and she does something like that - I never really considered it was my own guilt making me angry. Food for thought.

[robin1377]

These posts have really struck a chord with me. I definately have rage, it comes from my childhood. My sister and I both have it, we've talked about, tried to work through it. It was much worse for me before I had a child, I guess I felt I could do or say whatever I wanted when rage overtook me. Now I look at my daughter and I want nothing more than to raise without ever feeling afraid of an out of control parent. For the most part I feel like I have infinately more patience than I used to but there are times when I feel just boiling under the surface and I have thoughts that make me feel so guilty. I have said things I wish I could take back and I have been rougher than I intended when removing either myself or my daughter from a situation for a time out. I felt it this afternoon when I was trying to get her to take a nap and she was so tired and a little sick and just wouldn't sleep. She started hitting me and acting crazy and I just wanted to loose it. Then I realized that (like many of you) I was feeling guilty. I had kept her up past her nap time so I could go to brunch with my sis and then let her eat extra syrup with her pancake. Over tired + sugar...No wonder she couldn't sleep. So I let it go, let go of my guilt for not being able to get her to sleep and my stubornness to not give up (that is another big one for me , I get so wrapped up thinking that I HAVE to do something that I loose sight of what is really going on). So I packed her into the stroller, took a long walk to cool off and took her to the playground. We had a nice rest of the day and she had an early bedtime. Sometimes you just gotta go with it.
Robin

[2Sweeties1Angel]

Sometimes I want to drop-kick my 5 yr-old DS across the room. I swear, he intentionally does things to p!ss me off. Yesterday he went in the kitchen to get a drink of water and after a minute of telling him to get back in the living room I went after him--he was trying give the cat liquid wormer! I didn't even know we had liquid wormer and I have no idea where he got it. I don't know what's wrong with him. I used to be a spanker but I stopped over 8 months ago after reading about all the psychological damage it can cause, but it seems like ever since then he does things because he KNOWS he won't get a spanking. He totally ignores me half the time when I ask him to do something and runs around screaming all the time. I can handle the screaming because I figure he has a lot of energy to burn, but the ignoring is really starting to get to me. His behavior gets a lot worse after he has an asthma attack because the Albuterol gets him hyped up. I don't get it. He's homeschooled and he does really well with listening to me about school stuff (we're unschoolers so we don't do any formal lessons or anything but we do have discussions) but he ignores everything else.

[Red]

Oh, Ladies!


I have never, ever admitted the depths of my rage to anyone. I was afraid they'd misunderstand, think I'd actually DO something.

My oldst had colic. She was dairy allergic. I knew nothing of any of this at the time. She just screamed and cried. The doc said it wasn't colic, she was fine, and he was God, so....what was wrong with ME?

I would hold her and she'd scream. Walk her, sing to her. I'd go to our ebdroom, turn off the lights and walk, from one side to the other,and count, 1, again, 2, intil I got 100. And still she'd be awake, wriggling, miserable. So i'd start over, and over, and over.


I remember holding ehr and remembering an abuse case that had happened recently. The father had lost it and thrown the baby against the wall when it wouldn't stop crying.

And I had thought, "what a monster."

But here I was, singing, "tura, lura, lura..." and thinking ,"Smash! ONe time and it would be quiet. Just ONE f*ing throw, HARD."

And then I'd think, "Monster! You shouldn't be blessed with children. God is going to take this baby...."

My parents weren't abusive. To me. But I saw them snap. My mother lost it a few times when we had a house full of too many foster kids, too many teens and she....I want to hide....spanked the youngest two. Why do I want to hide?


And my father. He used to smack my younger sister off the head with a huge metal spoon, every night at dinner. I was grown, moved out. Only saw it happen a few times, but I knew.

And did nothing.

And told no one.

Till now.



So, I have felt the rage. And now I've told. TOld all of you.

And I know it's safe here. I'm not going to be harrassed for thinking bad thoughts. FOr even, sometimes, letting that rage swallow me.

I hit my kids.

Years ago and not since. Not hard . I didn't beat them. But I screamed. Terribly. And I wish I could erase it, but I can't.

My reason for posting this is: It's been years since the rage came over me. I think that having all the little ones, having no space, and feeling like, as mollykatsmom said, you have to do it all jsut SO, is most of the problem.

Thaks ladies. I feel better, just knowing, well, that I told.

[TeaBag]

Oh Red.

Mama, I have so been there. I remember thinking when ds was a baby...omg. I wanted to throw him out the window. Down the stairs. He was the same way. He screamed constantly. He never slept. He just nursed and screamed. and the doctors told me the same thing "There's nothing wrong with him." and then all the advise. "let him cry, he's manipulating you." "you're completely spoiling him" and all of it. It was HORRIBLE. That kind of despair has not returned since I gave myself over to mothering him according to my instincts....

But I Did NOT want you to think that you are alone in this. You are a wonderful person for being strong enough to move past it. Much LOVE and Prayers and Hugs for you. Thank you for being brave enough to share your heart. You don't know how much it means.

[Bella'smamma]

Oh mama's

You have no idea how relived I was to find this thread. I've dealt with rage long before my children were born. I too have traced it back to my childhood. It also was sparked by my father's unexpected death when I was 15. That has certainly given me abandonment issues, which are triggered alot. (lots of feelings that I'm raising my girls alone and that dh never helps out)

I related to almost all of you but Annakiss the most. you described my feelings perfectly. I have the toddler/baby combo (25 months & 11 months)

I truely feel like this rage is propelled by hormonal imbalances. I've read that it takes about 3-4 years for a w omans' body to return to normal. With alot of us having children consecutively and close together I could see how the body and spirit could get taxed so easliy.

I also have these thoughts that I need to be constantly doing something, like making progress or being productive. This directly conflicts with the art of raising children. I am trying to stay more focused on my children and slip in the housework where I can. I feel alot more relaxed when I can take this approach and not so resentful and irritated when my plans are thrown out the window.

For me situation, it was my mother that passed down to me this drive to be successful. It haunts me daily. Every time I yelled or reacted to my children negatively I too, felt out of control, out of my body. I couldn't help but feel the anger I had as a child resurface each time I dealt with a stressful situation, whether it was my girls or dh. I realized that I needed to share my feelings about my childhood my mom so that we could clear some things up and resolve some issues. (this took a really long time to work up the courage to do, and even while I was sitting on her couch it took me a LONG time to get the nerve.....) We ended up having a good conversation. She agreed with alot of my perceptions and healed alot of old wounds. This has given me a great sense of peace. it's almost like starting over.

I also wanted to share my perception of our beautiful children. I believe that all of the kid being born today ( and in the past ten years) are either Indigo or Crystal children. They are here to bring a new consciousness to the planet, pushing out old systems and old thought patterns. They are cleansing the planet of dishonesty and untruthfulness. My dh and I see this clearly in our lives and our relationship. We are being pushed to our limits time and time again, and growing and learning each time. They are also guiding us to create the kinds of environments that they will thrive in and also providing us with what we need. (does that make sense?) Like they are protecting US! It's kinda wierd...................

What are your thoughts on this?

thanks for listening and thanks for starting this thread.

cecily

[caitlinsmom]

I am so glad to see this thread. I have been thinking it was me and that I was a horrible mom. There are sometimes I see red.....all I see is grabbing dd's hair and pulling as hard as I can. I have to consiously (sp?) tell myself to calm down when I want to hurt them. The other night I was thinking if Ds would just shut up and sleep he would be so much happier (as would I) it got so bad I woke dh up to take ds. I then went in the shower and cried my eyes out for being so mean and unloving.

I grew up in a violent household, but being the "good child" I only witnessed the cruelty. I had so much pent up rage at other things that at times I would hit my bro's and sis. I remember one time (i wish I didnt) that I beat my brother when I was around 15 or so.....he was 5. I was out of control and angry that my mom was at the bar again and I was watching, feeding, bathing ect her kids, that when he acted up I completly lost it. After ward I sat sobbing (more than he actually) and craddleing him on the floor for a long time. I have never forgot the shame I felt that day.....I try and remember that when I am getting upset with my kids.

I too get more angry and irritaed out of guilt. I have now started to only get on the comp in the morning when the kids are eating (for about 10 min) as I get really distracted. Then I just do my daily thing. Once they are in bed I will read, do the comp, all the things that relax me and take my mind off of things.

Anyway glad to see this, I am so glad that it isnt me only, I have felt like and AP GD failure for months now!!

[wsgrl84]

Hey everyone, new subsciber here!

I just want to say that in the beginning I personally don't support any type of abuse or punishment of childre. But now that I have a child, I can understand why some moms have rage or that urge to punish.

It's funny because on the day that I was released from the hospital, the nurse was going over last minute issues/questions and she said out of nowhere that, "you will have days when you feel that you just want to toss your baby out the window, that's completely normal, just don't reallly do it!" I just chuckled saying "reallly?? oh please..me??..want to toss baby?? NEVER!" And now that my DS is 5 months, I had a total of 3 TIMES when I felt that urge! :

I completely understand...and it's not our fault! Each and every one of us are great Moms to our kids!

[ilex]

I have been thinking lately about our lives. Our lives as mothers in this culture. The pressures, the expectations, the guilt, the noise, the unceasing stimulation, the constant barrage of it all, never letting up. Even when we try to squeeze in that millisecond of time for ourselves, it is never what we need it to be. It is just catch up. and therefore we never get around to what we really need, which is to just be, without all of this. While I was ready to lose my temper with my dd tonight for the tenth time today I just stopped and froze. What would happen if I just stopped thinking about the dishes and the vacuum and the thread I read two hours ago and the snappy comment my sister made to me yesterday and how I wish the kids would stop messing the house every second I turn around and on and on. What if I just stayed in that moment with what was happening, what if I was TRULY present with my dd while she was feeling frustrated? What if while I was lying there nursing my son to sleep and waiting waiting for him to let go of my nipple so I could get up I just looked at him falling asleep (ever slowly) and loved him and remembered that this moment was so much more important than the five minutes I may be losing to his incapacity to want to let me go. And god it is bloody hard sometimes, but I really want to be more there, more present in my life, I don't want my days to fade into the ever escaping next moment and I really really believe that this is why 90% of the time I lose it. On one level or another, indirectly or completely in your face directly. And the other 10% I think is either hunger, exhaustion, or stress. But in all these cases, if I was present enough I would be able to determine this as the cause and not lose it, but be able to *see* it rather than be overtaken by it.

There was a wonderful thread on this same topic in the parenting forum I believe, I will try to find it.

[hmsmomma4]

rage

i would like to know what GD parenting is b/c i know it doesn't mean the only thing that pops into my head.
i know i rage. it is something that i have not been able to control. (feeling AA-ish here). it is very upsetting to me on many levels.
1) i remember my mother doing it and thinking i am never going to be this way... oh yeah... look, i am, only worse b/c my mother hardly ever swore.
2) i behave in a manner with my children that i would NEVER behave in with adults or my husband. they would look at me and think i was a freak.

i have done a couple of things. the first was to go on anti depressant meds. i am off them now, but they were a big help. i wish that i had gone to therapy while on them.
this next think is goofy but sometimes it works. sometimes i pretend that someone i really admire, generally for their calmness and spirituality, is watching me. i told you it was hokey. but i think how would this person behave and how would i want them to percieve me. i know that is only a quick fix. but...
the getting away for a while is a double edged sword for me. i know i need it. and it does feel good. but it seems worse when i get back home. i have changed but they have not. also the house is a mess, dishes not done, laundry piled up even if i was gone over night. so you need to recognize that while you may have recharged and changed a bit everyone and everything else has stayed the same.
exercise is problably the one thing that always makes me feel better. if only i had the time to do it for an hour everyday.
but this too shall pass as someone stated above. and it does get better, or atleast different as the kids get older.
i wish you peace.
peace
michele

[CelticMomma]

I'm so relieved to find so many people who face these issues. I face them, too. It's hard to deal with at times. And, the surprise of feeling that rage and trying to suppress it can sometimes make things worse. I don't know how to manage that one. I try to give myself a time out, but it's not always possible. So, how do you deal with that?

I, too, grew up in an abusive home. Emotional and physical. It's hard to let go of. I think that it's gone, and then something comes along and I'm right back in it. I recently had to stop seeing a friend of mine because I realized that I only felt bad about myself around her. My house was never clean enough, I was never efficient enough, I never measured up, I felt so darned JUDGED and it made me a bad mother. Since I made that change, I find that I'm much more relaxed and easy going with my kids. And, the friends that I'm making now are so much easier to be around. I actually feel okay if my house is a little messy, or if I don't get to do everything I need to in one day. I also don't feel like I need to measure up as much. I'm trying to not be in competition for the world's best mom, and it sure makes a difference.

Interested to see where this thread goes...

[beemama]

I am so thankful I stumbled across this thread. I was trying to read around on the GD forum some time ago & felt worse & worse about myself... and stopped going there

I've never had this kind of rage, nothing in the world can bring it on like my dd. And it's hard to understand, being a mom is the one thing I've always known I wanted to do. It's what I've wanted as long as I've known women have babies.

My parents were abusive, too. I was an "angel" up until around 11, so I only saw them being abusive to my sister until then... and she would in turn take it out on me at a young age. There were times when I was little when I would lock myself in the bathroom & pull the drawer next to the door open so she couldn't get to me & I would scream so I couldn't hear her any more.
That is the only thing I can remember in my whole life that is similar to what I feel now when my toddler is really turning it on. It's different, at the time it wasn't rage... it was fear and helplessness.
Now I have fear/helplessness/rage rolled up in one. I could totally relate to annakiss's statement of tunnel vision & hormones. It feels like something beyond my control is causing this to happen.

I know she's not in actual danger, but this is harmful. We never let her watch TV before a couple of months ago but I've just come to the conclusion that she's better off watching Sesame St. sometimes than being treated roughly. I don't hit her but I grab her in a way that is definitely not going to be considered gentle to put her in time out. And I yell, and it doesn't even phase her. I wonder if I would stop if it ever seemed to scare her but it doesn't do that. In fact, it sometimes makes her laugh and at this point I am practically frothing at the mouth & remove myself from the situation. I need to take a time out before it gets there.

What makes me so sad is when I see her playing w/her little figurines, and she's talking to them in a rough way. And I feel so guilty.. and that she'd be better off raised w/out me.

There are days where I am able to put all of my focus on her, and we get along beautifully and I wonder what the problem ever was.... and there are days where I start out with the same intentions & turns into a disaster & I want to run away.

I am so glad that I've read so many people struggling even more when a new baby is introduced. I have been driving myself nuts trying to conceive #2 for almost a year & a half w/out even thinking about that aspect of it.
I guess I'm "lucky" I've been unable to get/stay pregnant.

I don't really have much AP influence IRL, so I really have to go searching for help. I have one friend here who is, and is also in early childcare, I want to ask her for her feedback but I'm so scared to, I'm so afraid she's going to judge me harshly. I have to explore that further. I need to get past my fears because I do believe she can help. I've been on the verge of breaking it all down for her for a couple of weeks now & this may just be the motivation I need.

I'll look for the book recommended earlier in the thread. I read "becoming the parent you want to be" (my IRL friend's earlier recommendation) and it helped me immensely for a little while... maybe I need to re-read it. Another friend recommended "without spanking or spoiling" and that's somewhere in the mail right now. I'll let you know if it's helpful.
Blessings, everyone. Peace & Calm.

[Bella'smamma]

Originally Posted by beemama

And I feel so guilty.. and that she'd be better off raised w/out me.

I really resonated with your post. And sweetheart your baby chose you before she was even concieved (imho). Know that. Know that you were meant to be together to help eachother learn and grow and to become the best possible you. There is no way you could ever fail her.

Each time I deal with anger/frustration, I look at it as an oppertunity to change my emotional habits. To find a new way to react to my children that is both healthy for them and therapuetic for me. I've been rereading "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. I highly recommend this for anger issues.

Bellasmum- i wanted to say your post struck a chord with me as well. It was like reading something 'I' had written. All of that was stuck up in my head. Thank you for sharing............

It's so good to hear all the responses. I feel so much releif that I am not alone.

I also wanted to share that I use essential oils to help control my mood...esp a blend called "Peace and Calming"

cecily

[annakiss]

Mamas, just wanted to let you all know that I've been reading. I wish there was some suggestions I had though. I just don't. I have rescue relief and aromatherapy around, I just haven't actually used them much. Maybe I should just start walking out of the room and grabbing the rescue remedy before I say or do anything.

I'm having such a hard time. Some days it seems that even the anger is within the range of normal, and then we have bad days and it is anything but. Some days are good days and there is no frustration or anger at all! I wish I had a magic bullet or a perfect equation to rid myself of the anger or have just good days. So much I don't even feel as though we're moving forward or working on anything at all, it all just sits in my head, spinning round and round, going nowhere, facing nothing but closed doors, no solutions.

Sometimes I think I need to embrace my bad days, move through them, gain understanding from it, but this just doesn't feel like I'm doing that, it feels like rotting guilt and boiling hatred. I want to like my son. I want to want to play with him. Instead I'm always working on moving through the day, getting to the end, accomplishing all the dumb things I gotta do. Even when I set the bar really low because I'm not going to get anything done anyway due to a bad day or being sick, it all just unravels sooner because of the bad day, because of the being sick.

I feel sometimes, like when I was in high school and wanted to throw my desk out the window. I hated being there and had all these destructive fantasies. Is that what's bubbling beneathe my surface? Am I just resentful of having all this to do? How can I stop trying to control everything? How can I learn to let go?

[mamaGjr]

Originally Posted by mollykatsmom

Before I had a child I never knew that I could feel love like this. I also never knew what truly primal rage felt like. I was raised fairly gently, and still struggle with violent impulses sometimes. I think that it's just the intensity of the experience. It triggers strong emotions all over the spectrum.

I have also noticed that the times I feel the most rage are when I feel boxed into a corner, and that the box is usually made of my own expectations or insecurities: "I HAVE to lie here and nurse you until you fall asleep RIGHT NOW, because a. I still need to wash the dishes or b. that is what a Good Mother would do." I try to recognize this and re-evaluate my expectations. My father, who was a GREAT dad, sometimes became irrational and punitive when we were in public, because he is very uncomfortable in social situations. I try to keep an eye on myself for that as well.

--Deirdre

wow , this is pretty much how i feel sometimes although i could never have put it so eloquently.!
thanks mama!

[Kristine233]

I just happened to stumble across this thread too and glad I did. I deal with alot of the same issues... I have a 3, 5 and 7 year old and for me I think it was a combination of childhood and having all 3 so close and major PPD from the first that didnt clear up until last year.. yes, 6 years of bad PPD. Dh doesnt get it and hes only home once or twice a month for a few days so I'm essentially a single mama. Theres no support network here in terms of family but in a way I'm thankful for that. MIL and my own Mom made me feel so inadequate about my own parenting skills. My house wasnt perfectly clean, I couldnt get the kids to keep their socks on all day or thier room swere messy or the biggest: I had crayon on my walls. *gasp*. MIL would call DH after a visit and just scoff and scold me because I *obviously* must not be watching the kids if they can make a mess or write on the wall... afterall *she* never had that problem. Then you have kids who get wild and over stimulated from school or whatever and start yelling and running crazy that leads to fighting and its near impossible to calm them down at times. And here I am thinking: Why cant I just get them to STOP? I'm such a bad mom I want to scream and grab them and make them shut up. And the non-moms dont *get-it*. I had a friend tell me I was stupid because I couldnt breastfeed *right*. We had severe latch issues and I have a closed duct, I pumped exclusively for 4 months before we finally were able to get a hang of latching. I had mastitis no less than 6 times and yet I breastfed for over a year. But she told me I was stupid and doing it wrong... so-and-so can just put her baby on her boob, why cant you, its not hard. And why was I taking anti-depressants? It was all in my head and PPD wasnt anything that needed meds, I was just a druggie if I needed them. I didnt talk to her after for along time that but it made me feel sooooo awful. Actually I havent seen her in over 2 years. (yay me!)

Dh doesnt get why I need to every once in awhile go find a closet and stomp my feet and jump up and down and scream at the top of my lungs to feel better. Kids do it and they do it for a reason, why cant we?

Anyways, just want to offer out my hugs and add my name ot the list of mamas dealing with similar issues. Thankyou so much for posting, stumbling across this has made my day (and made me cry! lol).

[johub]

I also was not raised in an abusive home. I had gentle loving parents and maybe was spanked once in my entire life.
And yet having children has introduced me to rage.
There is even an old saying that goes like this "You dont know rage until you have kids" And I believe it is true.
With every other relationship you can withdraw when thigns get bad and you are not fully responsible for the other person.
I think the fact that we love our children so much and that they need us so much and that they take so much of our energy sometimes leads us to the point of rage.
I have felt it, especially with my oldest who is now 13.
And I have heard this come up with enough normal healthy parents to think that it is not abnormal to feel rage towards your child. It is still important to never act on that rage. But forgive yourself for feeling it. It doesnt mean anythign is wrong with you or your child or the way you parent.
Joline

[JennieYoung44]

I hope no one minds if I join in to this discussion? I only have a minute to type b/c the 2yo and 4yo are currently downstairs throwing things across the table at each other to the vast hysterical amusement of the 7mo old: it is going to turn ugly very soon.
So, I just want to say ditto to everything you said annakiss. I would love it if some of the people on this thread would actually like to have an ongoing discussion about these things. Because I think the hardest part for me is the feeling that it is all so surreal: like if there was a video camera in my home it might be funny or entertaining but since its just me and the boys sometimes I feel like its not even happening...
I wonder at the fact that I am a creative person, you know, artist before mama, writer, whatever. Does that make it harder to give up my life? Like, I was selfish before I had kids, that hasn't changed much I guess. I just want my time. But they are my children. They are humans. They have a right to their selfishness too. So, here I am: BFing, Cosleeping, vegetarian, no tv-ing, natural childbirthing. But also, yelling, losing it, over reacting, semi-neglecting.
Chris and I (sorry, my dh and I...) were talking about this the other night- how hard it is to try to control the kids when we are such anti-controlling-others type of people. But, do you really just LET them break all the eggs in the fridge onto the kitchen floor AND pour glue on each others heads? See, this is when I lose it: I ignore them, do my own thing, they do their own thing, I re-enter their world and LOSE IT because of what they have done to our world...
Anyway, I better go downstairs and see what they've done.

[j924]

Just jumping in with another me too. I had four kids in six years and my body and mind are still reeling. I had managed to keep my "stuff" in check for a long time. It wasn't until the birth of my 3rd dd that it all began to unravel. Now I feel like I am dancing with my rage. It can seem like I can control it and I can go days,weeks without it and then it crushes me usually taking some family member hostage with it. I like what a pp said about being in the moment, not worrying about past or future. Offtimes this is when my glimpses at sanity seem almost permanent. I want to thank all of you for posting on this thread. It has helped me immensely and reenergized my drive to defeat this monster.