I am so thankful I stumbled across this thread. I was trying to read around on the GD forum some time ago & felt worse & worse about myself... and stopped going there
I've never had this kind of rage, nothing in the world can bring it on like my dd. And it's hard to understand, being a mom is the one thing I've always known I wanted to do. It's what I've wanted as long as I've known women have babies.
My parents were abusive, too. I was an "angel" up until around 11, so I only saw them being abusive to my sister until then... and she would in turn take it out on me at a young age. There were times when I was little when I would lock myself in the bathroom & pull the drawer next to the door open so she couldn't get to me & I would scream so I couldn't hear her any more.
That is the only thing I can remember in my whole life that is similar to what I feel now when my toddler is really turning it on. It's different, at the time it wasn't rage... it was fear and helplessness.
Now I have fear/helplessness/rage rolled up in one. I could totally relate to annakiss's statement of tunnel vision & hormones. It feels like something beyond my control is causing this to happen.
I know she's not in actual danger, but this is harmful. We never let her watch TV before a couple of months ago but I've just come to the conclusion that she's better off watching Sesame St. sometimes than being treated roughly. I don't hit her but I grab her in a way that is definitely not going to be considered gentle to put her in time out. And I yell, and it doesn't even phase her. I wonder if I would stop if it ever seemed to scare her but it doesn't do that. In fact, it sometimes makes her laugh and at this point I am practically frothing at the mouth & remove myself from the situation. I need to take a time out before it gets there.
What makes me so sad is when I see her playing w/her little figurines, and she's talking to them in a rough way. And I feel so guilty.. and that she'd be better off raised w/out me.
There are days where I am able to put all of my focus on her, and we get along beautifully and I wonder what the problem ever was.... and there are days where I start out with the same intentions & turns into a disaster & I want to run away.
I am so glad that I've read so many people struggling even more when a new baby is introduced. I have been driving myself nuts trying to conceive #2 for almost a year & a half w/out even thinking about that aspect of it.
I guess I'm "lucky" I've been unable to get/stay pregnant.
I don't really have much AP influence IRL, so I really have to go searching for help. I have one friend here who is, and is also in early childcare, I want to ask her for her feedback but I'm so scared to, I'm so afraid she's going to judge me harshly. I have to explore that further. I need to get past my fears because I do believe she can help. I've been on the verge of breaking it all down for her for a couple of weeks now & this may just be the motivation I need.
I'll look for the book recommended earlier in the thread. I read "becoming the parent you want to be" (my IRL friend's earlier recommendation) and it helped me immensely for a little while... maybe I need to re-read it. Another friend recommended "without spanking or spoiling" and that's somewhere in the mail right now. I'll let you know if it's helpful.
Blessings, everyone. Peace & Calm.