Parenting and Rage - Page 11

[Tapioca]

Originally Posted by jenniey

I come from an abusive family; I struggle daily to define the difference between forgiving yourself and excusing yourself.
IMO: To excuse yourself is to abuse your children.
To forgive yourself is to show them compassion and humanity.

YES. It's interesting to reflect on that difference. I caught up with an old boyfriend recently who has chosen the first route with his kids, with predictable results - I witnessed a lot of yelling, unrealistic expectations, and sarcasm directed at his children, who were constantly acting out in response. It was awful. After years of being angry at his own parents, he told me that he now understands why they acted abusively and doesn't have an issue with it. He'd just given up. It was sad, because I could see the same pattern happening again.

There's a big difference between that and accepting you are a damaged human who is doing the best she can and honestly striving to do better. At least you (general you) is aware and trying to do better. Being aware is huge, imo.

[annakiss]

Originally Posted by Lucysmama

I wish I would have had the forsight to take that into consideration. That sounds horrible I know. I LOVE my second child more than the world, but it is 20 million times harder with two. I know that isn't the case for everyone, but it is for me. Having two very young children is SO DIFFICULT. I completely underestimated how drastically different of a mother I would be with another child.

I cannot imagine not having my second child now, but I do really wish I would have at least waited longer, it would have been better IMO for me and my first child, who is extremely high-needs.

That's interesting. For me, I think that if I'd waited longer for the sake of my high-needs child, that I would have done both of my sons a disservice because I see how good they are with one another. I feel like I would have potentially left DS1 less able to cope with the addition of #2 if he'd gotten more used to being the only one. Of course, the whole thing has been hard, no doubt about it, and in many ways, DS1 suffered/suffers anyway, but I really think I've given him a gift with his sibling. I can't see how not having that would have done him more good. I hope I make any sense. I know our kids have the same age difference between them too. Is it different you think because of yours being different genders?

[Lousli]

Anna, I tend to agree with you here. Even though I feel it is harder on me to have two, I think my older daughter really benefits from having a younger sibling. It is helping her learn to be a more gentle person, and I think that she just expects me and my dh to do things for her, since we're her parents. She does not, of course, expect this of her sister. It is nice to see that she is coming to realize that the members of her family are seperate entities, if that makes any sense.

I also think that she had 3 years of being the only, and if we had waited any longer, it would have been very, very difficult for her to adjust to another child (not for every family, but for her). My sister, imo, never fully adjusted to having to share attention with me (we're 4 years 3 months apart) and in fact made comments after Melanie's birth and as she was growing up that she thought it would be "nice" if Mel was an only and could "keep" all the attention for herself!

[marieandchris]

I have to agree...

Even though parenting two is definately harder on the momma, in the long run (and even right now) my first child is happier now having his sister than he was before, even when he had all the attention. He loves her with all of his three year old passion, and she adores everything about him. They are three years, three months apart and I think the timing was as good as it was going to get. Any younger, and he would've been shortchanged on the nursing experience (he weaned just as I got pregnant); and further apart, his world would've been too radically different. As it is, he wants her to be his friend and is just waiting for the day she can say "I love you Eli." (not my interpretation...his words...) I just can't imagine a boy, of say 5, wishing for that (well, at least not the 5 yr old boys I know .

I'm gonna do some research on the issue of speaking to your children in their sleep. I wonder if there are any studies out there...Loved the website that discussed how doing this could help with behavioral problems and anxiety. I'll report back what I learn.

Marie

[mystic~mama]

hmmm

dd is four this month and thoughts of a second baby bounce around my head often...she wants a sibling and I want her to have that although I also like my personal space...being single also presents a problem looks like we are destined to have many years between her and a sibling...I'm content to let the universe work out the details

[mightymoo]

Originally Posted by jenniey

I wonder how many on this thread are still having sleepless nights? Are still a bundle of hormones due to lactation? Have yet to have return of menses? I wonder how much of our problems would vanish if these things were "back to normal?"

I think this is definitely part of it for me. My period returned quickly after both children, but sleep is a big factor. I recently made the decision to night-wean my 10 month old because between his night wakings and nursing and the contorted position I end up sleeping in because I fall asleep nursing him I have been getting no good sleep and having back problems on top of my tiredness.

I felt bad nightweaning him at 10 months - I didn't nightwean DD until 17 months, but I really think in the end it will be better for everyone that way. Right now we are at the stage where he still wakes up frequently, but will accept my comforting him back to sleep and some water instead of nursing.

I also need to be conscious of what I'm doing to myself. After the kids go to bed, I love the free time I have then, but I find I get myself too tired by staying up too late and then when they get up in the morning, I'm exhausted.

[JennieYoung44]

Originally Posted by mightymoo

I also need to be conscious of what I'm doing to myself. After the kids go to bed, I love the free time I have then, but I find I get myself too tired by staying up too late and then when they get up in the morning, I'm exhausted.

Holy Cow Mighty Moo, (sorry, i had to say that... )
That is me! Just last night my dh IMPLORED me to go to bed for heaven's sake.
But, I can't. It is so hard for me to wake up at 5:30, spend the entire day getting stuff for little people, then rush madly around the house to put them to bed at 7pm... and then go to sleep? But, it would just start all over again in the morning... and all I'd have to show for it would be a few interupted dreams about the children.
So, I am thinking I will try to give myself one night of sleep a week. I will just go to bed as soon as the baby is asleep. Period. Well, we'll see. Movies are fun. That is another thing... why don't I shower or something instead of putting on a movie? At least then I'd be tired but clean. I could really use a few showers.
Ramble ramble ramble.

... also... this is OT, but:
i didn't even know you could night wean a baby? i am not questioning you here, just, really... i didn't know you could do that. i tried to nightwean our oldest when he was 13 months and i was a month pregnant. that lasted about one night. i thought it wasn't even possible until they were day weaned. i would love to nurse less at night. it is just about this age (9 months) that mine start nursing more frequently at night, and in my opinion become dependent on having the nipple in their mouth to sleep. with all the biting that has been going on around my brestaurant at night i could use some advice if you have any. maybe i should try just sitting up in the night to nurse him rather than allowing him to suckle all night long?

[mightymoo]

Originally Posted by jenniey

... also... this is OT, but:
i didn't even know you could night wean a baby? i am not questioning you here, just, really... i didn't know you could do that. i tried to nightwean our oldest when he was 13 months and i was a month pregnant. that lasted about one night. i thought it wasn't even possible until they were day weaned. i would love to nurse less at night. it is just about this age (9 months) that mine start nursing more frequently at night, and in my opinion become dependent on having the nipple in their mouth to sleep. with all the biting that has been going on around my brestaurant at night i could use some advice if you have any. maybe i should try just sitting up in the night to nurse him rather than allowing him to suckle all night long?

Well, I was getting terrible sleep, so I started sleeping on the couch that is in the room and I found that when I did that, he only woke up once a night to nurse rather than constantly. So I realized he can go just fine most of the night without nursing, but me being right next to him is just a constant reminder. I nurse him to sleep (8-9pm) and if he wakes up before I come to bed, then when I come to bed (around 11pm) and then I don't nurse him until sunrise - about 6am, so that's 7 hours. If he wakes up, I give him water from a sippy cup and I cuddle right up with him and he usually goes back to sleep after about 5 minutes. The first two nights he was really mad when I wouldn't nurse him and he screamed and yelled for a while, but I (and daddy) were right there to hold him and rock him, etc. Since then he complains a bit (but doesn't seem really upset) and settles back to sleep pretty quick after a sip of water. I felt bad about doing that, but I find that with no sleep, I'm yelling all day long and fed up and so I feel like I'm trading a couple bad nights against my being generally angry and short-tempered all day long for weeks. It was generally the same reason I night-weaned DD at 17 months, but I think with two its just been harder to take much much earlier.

[JennieYoung44]

but I find that with no sleep, I'm yelling all day long and fed up and so I feel like I'm trading a couple bad nights against my being generally angry and short-tempered all day long for weeks.

yes, it is interesting isn't it, how everything pales in the face of anger. an odd thing for me was that i, in order to gain control over my anger, have had to resort to videos. it turned out that allowing the boys an hour or so a day of watching movies was a time out from parenting that i really needed. this is something i never thought in a million years i would do because we were super opposed to commercial influences on our kids. so we try to keep the movies PBS stuff, but it is still there... and oh well. it keeps me calmer and it isn't damaging them that much.
also, there is food. i use frozen stuff about 3 nights a week and allow a lot more pb&j than i would have under the perfect circumstances.

anyhow, mighty moo: it sounds like you stumbled onto a good solution for you and your ds. i wonder if i had a bigger bed, or a bed attachment, if that would help. i bet it would. another problem for me is that we stil have the 2 and a half year old in our room (in his own bed), so i am terrified of the baby making any noise what-so-ever during the night for fear of waking the imp! i am sure a lot of my night nursings are simply a result of the baby making a few little sleep noises and me freaking and stuffing my nipple in his mouth... then he wakes up and needs to nurse back to sleep. if i could just leave him alone, we'd be fine. thanks for your response. it helps to read other's experiences. it never fails to amaze me that other people are actually out there at night struggling with the same things in bed.

[mystic~mama]

Originally Posted by jenniey

yes, it is interesting isn't it, how everything pales in the face of anger. an odd thing for me was that i, in order to gain control over my anger, have had to resort to videos. it turned out that allowing the boys an hour or so a day of watching movies was a time out from parenting that i really needed. this is something i never thought in a million years i would do because we were super opposed to commercial influences on our kids. so we try to keep the movies PBS stuff, but it is still there... and oh well. it keeps me calmer and it isn't damaging them that much.
also, there is food. i use frozen stuff about 3 nights a week and allow a lot more pb&j than i would have under the perfect circumstances.

I have definitely learned to compromise and let go of my idea of how I would like everything to be because its just not the reality.

all the night nursing has taken its toll on me...I flat out refuse to nurse when I feel I cannot do it and felt guilty about it at first but then I decieded to start putting my needs first sometimes...I've finally made exercise a priority again,,,that goes a long way in keeping me feeling centered and able to handle dd at her worst

[peacefulmom]

[QUOTE=birthjunkie27]I am having serious rage issues lately too. I've got an almost 5 yr old, and almost 3 yr old, and a 5 wk old. I can't get in a moment to breathe! It's especially frustrating when the baby is nursing and the older 2 are arguing, or bugging me for something. I get enraged. I've started yelling. A lot. I HAVE to stop this NOW and I know it..but I don't know where to start. I think seeing a therapist would help a lot, but good grief, I don't even have time to go to the bathroom alone! How would I make time to see a therapist?

i have a 4 yr old a 2 yr old and a 4 month old close to yours/
and h left on jan 4 and I am now in the middle of a divorce..he left bc he hated AP.....anyway...my 4 year old and I are constantly fighting...I am yelling so much and I have physically picked her up and placed herr into time outs...man I am disappointed with myself......i want to be so wonderrful..but lately my energy is gone as is my patiants......so I thank you all for this honest and brave thread....this makes me feel like a human and that I am not alone.....

[marieandchris]

peacefulmom,
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your situation. My heart goes out to you and I admire your courage.

Marie

[JennieYoung44]

i have a 4 yr old a 2 yr old and a 4 month old close to yours/
and h left on jan 4 and I am now in the middle of a divorce..

peacefulmom, and all, i just wanted to share a song i sing sometimes when i feel hopeless & confused;
i learned it at a sufi peace circle:

i want to thank you..
for emptying my cup..
what i didn't know then
that i know right now
is that i'm ready to be filled up..
i want to thank you..
for bringing me to this..
what i didn't know then
that i know right now
is that i'm ready to find my bliss..

you sing it on a strong 4-beat pulse, moderately with passion:
i-wan-a-tha-a-ank you - -(pause for 2 beats)
for-emp-ty-in'-my-cup - -(pause for 2 beats)
what-i-didn't-know-then-that-i-know-right-now-is-that-i'm-ready-to-be-filled-up--(pause for 2 beats)
...same again...

i think it is good for just keeping the peace in your head, especially during times of unexpected change. During change we can find bliss. Ride the pain and confusion and anger and doubt like a wave, and you will come out on top. It is just like birthing babies.

Peace to you.

[annakiss]

Jenniey, that's really beautiful.

[pjlioness]

If anyone is an abuse survivor, but don't have enough time/posts to get into the SA forum, you may be interested in this thread:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=303333

[mystic~mama]

peaceful mommy

jenniey~

thanks for sharing that song and inspiration

[KnitterMama]

Challenging Day

I had a VERY challenging day today ...

1st PPAF (@ 15 months) + no time to myself in over a week (maybe longer) + 6 yo nephew and 17 mo niece staying the night + trying to get all three to bed with no help and several complications = nearly

They're all asleep now, though it was no small feat.

ETA : The niece and nephew thing was just really bad timing for a lot of reasons (a couple listed above). I really love to spend time with them, but I'm really overworked right now and feeling like people keep steamrolling me to get what they want. Doesn't help that I've watched these three kiddos many, many times by myself in the last year and a half (two babies plus the 5-6 yo), and my twin sis has never reciprocated the favor. She calls me all the time telling me how she and her DH just HAVE to get out because they haven't done so in two weeks while I personally never get me time and DH and I never, ever get us time.

*sigh* Sorry bout the rant!

[mystic~mama]

knittermama

sending a

i know how it is having no break

so in that case,,,

sending another

[caspian's mama]

just say NO!

easier said than done, i know, but your family needs you to take care of YOU too, remember.

dh and i just "have" to get out sometimes too... but we suck it up and rent a movie! we've had about 4-5 "dates" since ds was born... almost 3 years ago. but we've committed to "this AP thing" and we wouldn't change it for the world.

[marieandchris]

IMHO, you need to turn around today and ask your sister for that thing that would make you feel cared for as a reciprocation for last night with her kids. Even if you don't want to leave DS (and at 15 months, you might not...I didn't at that point) have her come over and take care of all the kids while you have some "me" time -- read, take a bath, take a walk, anything!

I would feel alot of anger over the situation if I were you. Resentment. It is hard with family.

Wishing you well...
Marie