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Parenting and Rage - Page 3

post #41 of 1766
Thread Starter 
Wow, when I posted the original thread I thought one or two would "get me" . . .
I do believe our children come to us, they are meant for us, just as we were meant for our parents. We are on a journey together and the journey is awsome and difficult and yet, for me, a thing of wonder and beauty!

My dh and I often recall to each other how it felt to be little, my younger sister also is good at recalling her feelings.
(as a side bar I also was responsible for raising my younger sister, I saw her beaten by my mother and so I am ashamed to say that I often "disiplined" her the only way I knew how. She was four years younger than me and had as my mother does she had a serious OCD (undiagnosed at the time). I will never forget one night she was probably 4 or maybe 5. My mother was at work and I was trying to get A to bed. She had to clean the kitchen floors before she would go to bed. Of course I didn't want her to but she insisted in a way that only a person with OCD can. It was probably 11 o'clock and thesse heavy kitchen chairs we had were still in the hallway waiting for the floor to dry. I had to get us up for school in the morning and I was so tired. . . I snapped 9 years old and I snapped. I got "the belt" and threatened her to put the chairs away and get in bed. Of course she wouldn't/couldn't comply and so I just started hitting her. Move the Chairs, Whack, now, Wack, do it! Whack . . . and then I held her and rocked her to sleep.

Now I know other ways to interact with unruly children but their is always a fear that the rage will resurface and indeed it does (thankfully without the physical abuse).

One of the ways that really helps us is, as I started to say, recalling ourselves as children. Doing things just because. . . no reason, no malice, just doing, just being a child and the anger and disapproval that often came with that.

I do agree that we are raising these amazing children that are here to change the world. I am raising a child that doesn't buy into the status quo, that thinks for his self. That goes his own way, that knows his own mind . . . and yet he is barely 3 yo. I am working on finding a balance between letting him be and ensuring that he feels safe within the boundaries of our family and our rules re: respecting self and others.

I think that the rage comes to when he gets angry . . . I want to smoother his rage with mine.

Since posting I have had two episodes or more of being rough with DS. Mostly losing my patience luckily no RAGE. thank - God.

Better go . . . Thanks everyone for listening
post #42 of 1766
I am so thankful for this thread, I belong here as well. I remember reading an article in Brain, Child magazine about "Mama Rage" when dd1 was a few months old and swearing it'd never happen to me, and once my first became a toddler and outside of my "control" I have had too many incidents of letting the beast out.

Like many of you, I find my rage is "triggered," and usually it's in situations where I am not meeting an expectation (sometimes an AP expectation, guilt, whatever) or when I've lost control of MYSELF (like, we're running late because I had to check email one last time, then I look and the kids made a mess while I was having poorly planned "me" time and they, being little kids, don't change course as easily as I do to suddenly stop mess/merry making and grab the shoes and out the door.)

I also know that I never rage when others are around (okay, with the exception of my mom and sister)...just when it's me and the kids...and now that I'm a single mama, the rage is always bubbling below the surface...

I think I need to try more mama time-outs, my dd1 would definitely go for that at times. I also know, and acknowledge that so much of this comes out of my childhood, it's how I learned because it's what my mom did. SHE would let my sister and I play, get out of control, whatever, then crack down with rage. Never physical, but the verbal abuse was endless, and it continues to this day. Up to this week she's been watching my girls 3 days a week, and I think I'm working up the courage to change that because 1) she's starting to treat my children so poorly and 2) she is so mean and demeaning to me at times that a little bit of her meanness throws me off all day, and takes what was a great day into a rage-ful one. Just one of her snide comments, makes me so hurt inside, and all of that hurt gets taken out on my kids

Not to mention when I resent my ex, who walked out on us all but is now the "ideal" parent to both girls (even the non-verbal one loves to "talk" about her dad!) because the few times a year he sees them he plays with them non-stop.

Thanks for having this forum, letting me vent and learn, and I am glad I'm not alone among those struggling and (hopefully) succeeding in keeping the rage at bay.

post #43 of 1766
Rage is my middle name.

I too was raised in a loving, AP home, where my mother *never* hit us, and yelling occured a handful of times when we scared the wits out of her (I'm the oldest of five).

So why am I constantly, barely clinging to the edge with my three year old? Two was such a joyful age for us, but since she's turned three... well, it's been a war zone.

Quote:
Like many of you, I find my rage is "triggered," and usually it's in situations where I am not meeting an expectation (sometimes an AP expectation, guilt, whatever) or when I've lost control of MYSELF (like, we're running late because I had to check email one last time, then I look and the kids made a mess while I was having poorly planned "me" time and they, being little kids, don't change course as easily as I do to suddenly stop mess/merry making and grab the shoes and out the door.)
This is ME. Oh my god, this is ME. I'm a full time nursing student, and I find I feel the rage bubbling up the most when I've had a long day, and I'm exhausted. I'm feeling guilty because I've been away from dd for so long, and she's soooo happy and excited to see me... while all I wanna do is crawl into bed and hide from the world.

I have rage issues relating to my ex leaving us (leaving me) and I find that my despair and anger and frustration from that still colors a large portion of my day, even though it's been eight months now.

I've never spanked/hit dd, but I have been known to scream - and sometimes I wonder if that's not worse. The look on her face makes me feel nauseous; and like a pp said (forget who) I can see myself, tunnel vision style, and helpless to stop what's pouring out of me.

Everyday I reaffirm to myself that I have the option for a "better" or "good" day with dd, I just have to choose and choose and choose again.

Somedays it works, others we scream.
post #44 of 1766
zoesmummy- Yes Yes Yes!

Today was not so good. I'm so freakin tired and all i wanted to do is sit on the couch. I was very grumpy and the baby was fussy from teething. Ds 1 wanted to go out and play but I couldn't muster the energy.
Why can't I just be more easy going. Why do I have to / choose to react the way I do, even when I'm not tired? Is it really true that I lack the 'control' it takes to remain calm and centered, or am I just being lazy? These are the thoughts running through my head tonight as I purge my guilty feelings about the events of the day.
It makes me feel very selfish.
Like I'm indulging myself when I express my anger.


We finally went for a walk about 4:30. It kinda helped.......I think the fact that dh bought an Ipod without talking to me about it, really didn't help my day today.

talk to me mamas...............................

cecily
post #45 of 1766
i just want to tell you guys that
1) i keep losing this post, so i am glad that i found it again.
2) that you (we) are all very brave and courageous.
and that writing your feelings down might just very well help. i know that it helps to read that others feel the same way.
my son used to trigger me all the time. i just didnt' "get" boys. he is 6 now and it really is a lot better.
i think the things that really tick me off is when i can't find stuff and when the kids can't find stuff. i know my house isnt' as tidy as it could/should be. but between trying to homeschool 2 kids, 1 kid in public school, and 1 kid in college, working 3 nights a week, teaching karate, well who has time for dinner and vacuuming?????
anyway... i have desided that i am going to play one game a day with the two that are homeschooled. and i am going to go back to reading to them atleast 4 nights a week.
i am not sure what i am going to do about my anger, but i did go to this meditation on anger. and i got a great deal out of it. anger can become acceptance which can become patience. well that isn't really an accurate description but...
anyway... sometimes knowing why you act in a certain way is great. but sometimes you just don't know why. and sometimes there is no why... it is just the way you are. i do see alot of my mother in myself and i remember being 7 years old thinking "i am never going to act that way" well lo and behold... i do. i think my mom couldn't help it. i think she wasn't living up to her own standards, even though she worked full time and we did nothing around the house to help. and then i get so mad at my kids when it feels like they are not helping me. perhaps my misplaced guilt.
anywya... keep posting.
and post what you ahve done, even for just one minute to keep from raging. and you know it is ok truely truely ok to be angry. it is what we do with the anger that we need to be careful of.
peace and thanks
m
post #46 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by hmsmomma4
you know it is ok truely truely ok to be angry. it is what we do with the anger that we need to be careful of.
peace and thanks
m
M, thanks for this thought! I'll try to keep that in mind!

Bellas'mum, sorry you've had a hard time...and I imagine that your dh buying an ipod probably played into your troubles a lot. I've found that things that I feel restricted in objecting to (such as when my mom really hurt me) get internalized and come out against my kids as rage.

(And sometimes, when I notice that happening, I literally stop and sing I'm a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout. When I get all steamed up I will SHOUT! So tip me over and pour me out!" Sometimes it helps. When I remember. Because really it's just a need to let off some steam, you know? I'm sure all you ragin' mamas do know...)

I've had a couple of tough days with dd1 (4.5yo). I think part of it is her picking up on my stress, I have a paper due Friday, but also part is that I've been trying so hard to be calm that she can't seem to take it. So her normal behavior doesn't get countered with my normal reactions, and instead of her own emotions getting stopped, they snowball. I've had screaming/crying kid for hours...and I've tried to be calm, off her alternatives, time outs, etc., not demanding anything. But after awhile I'm full of steam and explode...then amazingly she's my normal kid again. So I feel as if we're stuck in a bad cycle...I've ruined her with my rage . I really need some help with this.

I think my lack of sleep hasn't been helping, or child care woes or never getting a break from my two dear ones. Sometimes I'd just LOOOOVE someone else to do the dishes, make dinner, clean the litter box, etc...being a single mom can be overwhelming at times. And also, I hate to admit this, but I almost never let the rage out if another adult is around watching...but if it's just me and the kids, I for some reason am more comfortable. Probably another learned behavior from my own mom who acted the same way (and was also a single mom). Sigh...hopefully I can get to counseling sometime soon, I really feel I need it.

Has anyone found counseling helpful to deal with rage/parenting issues, especially when there are learned behaviors from our own parents?

Here's hoping we all have peaceful, calm days tomorrow!
post #47 of 1766

So I am not crazy or evil...

I am so glad to find this thread by chance... I feel so lost sometimes, with hubby in the service and gone a lot and working a lot when home. We are only on our first child and I DO want more..right now I am afraid how I would be with more children. Its hard getting used to being the "only one"..who feeds baby, that baby wants etc. My hubby is a GREAT husband..with that I am lucky. He helps when he gets a chance..like weekends. For me I still seem to feel mad at him..for having a life(not that I don't but YKWIM) for being able to go to the gym after work and unwind while I am stuck figuring out how to entertain the baby and make a good meal UGGH...It is so tiring and when I finally unwind for the night..baby has already slept for 3 hours or so..morning comes and I feel exhausted and baby is ready to go. It all seems so frustrating, tiring, hard, and I hate it sometimes.
Then I try to bring myself to reality..I wished for this child for a long time..was told I couldn't have children and did. My mother was a horrible abuser. Drunk and drugs a lot until I was 16..then got help. However, by then the damage was done. She had many drunk bf molest me and then continued to let them live with us. ..she punched and even after the drugs and alcohol..she still is an abusive mother..verbal and before I moved out physical. At 16 I got beat with a belt until I had welts from my neck to knees..it was a hard childhood, but many had those..so I feel like its not an excuse to feel anger toward my child. But I do. When he screams and I have done EVERYTHING..I get so mad. Not that I would ever hurt him..but the thoughts I have scare me sometimes. I am just glad to hear such honest mamas tell their experiences..it makes me feel more normal and not like i should hide in a closet!
Thank you ladies!
post #48 of 1766
i doubt this will come out right, it was sort of a revelation to me, and has sort of helped me a little bit. it is in relation to what the above posters have said about not letting their own past affect their children:
Once you have children it is sort of like your existence splits in two. You are still yourself, with all of your baggage, but you are also totally new. The you that you are at the moment of that child's birth is the only person that child has ever known. (and it is kind of sad/depressing to find out that the other you is still there, isn't it?)
I have always felt that I screwed up at some point; I let my child see who I was before I had him (them). I let my past out of the bag: he saw me cry, yell, experience emotions... Well the other night I was just lying in bed while my dh gave me a few moments respite from all of their needs and I started thinking about my own childhood, my mom's headaches, mood, temper. And I thought how sad that when I thought of my childhood all that came to mind was my mom, nothing of my own, and I thought of how that wasn't fair, and I thought of how I didn't want to do that to my own children.
So I decided something, and while it hasn't helped my mood/temper it has relieved the guilt.
I will not allow my past to interfere with my children's lives.
See, it isn't their problem that mama was abused, mama was neglected, mama was anorexic, mama had a really hard life... The fact is since they came along none of that is even true. That stuff didn't happen to mama, it happened to jenniey. Ever since pregnancy, I love my body and I don't even feel like the little girl that was hurt anymore. BUT, jenniey still affects my parenting; I do not think you have to suffer the childhood some of us did in order to be a moody parent.

The hard part of course is not the theory but the real life. Everyone on this thread wants to do better, be better; we just want to know how, right?
Well, I for one have read a lot of things on this thread and others that have REALLY helped me deal with this. Maybe it is just not feeling so alone in my feelings, maybe it is real advice.
One thing that I have either read or come to understand through reading the MDC threads (btw, i am a pretty new member, just started posting, used to have a different id which i can't find/remember but never posted...) is:
when i have been doing my own thing, living my own life, ignoring my boys, it is NOT FAIR to re-enter their world yelling. If they have made a huge-o-mongo mess during my absence, I can't yell at them about it. I have to calmy and happily clean it up.
The fact is i cannot change or give up or ignore my need to write and paint. I also cannot always involve them in it. So, I have the downstairs childproofed as much as possible, but the 4yo and 2 and a half year old gang up together and can pretty much do anything they want (from emptying all the eggs onto the floor, to gluing a sock to the wall). Instead of getting mad for those actions which I have facilitated, by not being present, I focus on their creative aspects (cooking and art, in the above examples) and get them to help clean it up while I explain what they could do next time (please don't touch eggs because they can make you very sick and maybe we could just glue things to paper?).
Also on a side note, I have connected my migraines with my mood. I tend to have 3 REALLY bad days right before a migraine, followed by one day of migraine, followed by one night of sleep, followed by revelations...
I was in counselling for a long time when I was 18-22, but have never tried it since. I sometimes wonder if one of the reasons I like to be pregnant is the time with my midwife, she is great... especially those last months when I get more appointments. I know counselling would help. There is just NO WAY that is going to happen (time$transportation). I do however have a great husband who is willing to listen to all my revelations and nod.
But this is sort of like counselling...

ot: it would not even be possible to have this discussion with most moms out there irl. there would be a lot of, you go girl, and don't you just hate kids?, and what you need is to go to work, stop nursing, and get those kids out of your bed....
i am glad to know their are REAL PEOPLE struggling with these issues.
post #49 of 1766

the crying baby thing

ok... nothing can set a mom off more than a crying babe who just cannot be consoled and will not stop crying. having had 4 kids, been a single parent at one time (with only 1 kid though) and also i had a babe who would not not not cry herself to sleep, but would only cry herself into hysterics, well i know from where you come... from.
anway... when my oldest was small and upon occassion could not be consoled and i was stressed out and at my wits end, i would make sure she was clean, dry, fed, and safe. i would put her in her crib with the radio or the tv... whatever at that point it really didn't matter. then i would take a shower and turn the radio on in the bathroom. she was safe and i could just let the really hot hot water wash over me. sometimes i would yell in the shower, just to get my own frustrations out. sometmes i would sing really loud!!(and probably badly). the idea of showering and not taking a bath is that the noise of the water would help drown out the crying. bad pun, sorry. and water is soothing to me.
i will add that this didn't work wth dd#2, as she would just cry herself into hysterics. but it did work with #1 and she is 18, pretty well adjusted and smart.
thought this might help a bit.
peace
michele
post #50 of 1766
I have been slowly reading through this thread when I find time and have gotten to the last one so feel I can post
I vented on another site (PPD site) about my feeling like a Jekel and Hyde and I'll not bore anyone with repeating it but feel free to read it.
I have really appreciated the diversity of people posting here. There are people who have had hard childhoods and people who didn't. I'm not sure where I fit in. My parents never intended to abuse me but my mom had issues to work through as around the time she had twins (I was 5) she was the same age as when her mother had died and in had stepped her abusive step mamma. And I believe not only was she going through ppd but also dealing with her past. So I got to weep with her and learned many things in that time but I think it also was frustrating that she would treat me like a child and other times like an adult. And I believe that was where my rage came from. I remember being so mad at my parents for not listening to me!
I just wanted to thank Jenniey for sharing that insight with us. I know that alot of my rage comes from having 2 very little ones and not being able to do what I want to do. And I know for me that I am changing slowly (hubby attests to it) and (imho, with God's help) will continue to change into more of the person I want to be. In the mean time I have been journaling to each one of my kids and when I have a particularly bad day I usually weep over their journals and apologize so that one day they can read it and know (as an adult) that I knew I wasn't perfect but loved them dearly.
Thank you for your time and I am interested in seeing where this thread goes.
post #51 of 1766
ETA: I wasn't ignoring your post, we posted at the same time .
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambiguosinamber
In the mean time I have been journaling to each one of my kids and when I have a particularly bad day I usually weep over their journals and apologize so that one day they can read it and know (as an adult) that I knew I wasn't perfect but loved them dearly.
I do this also, sometimes I wonder if I will actually let them read the journals.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Jster
Up to this week she's been watching my girls 3 days a week, and I think I'm working up the courage to change that because 1) she's starting to treat my children so poorly and 2) she is so mean and demeaning to me at times that a little bit of her meanness throws me off all day, and takes what was a great day into a rage-ful one. Just one of her snide comments, makes me so hurt inside, and all of that hurt gets taken out on my kids
just wanted to say, in terms of the mom thing: i have not seen my mom in one full month and i have been doing so much better. i could have written what you wrote up there... i am so jealous of people with happy relationships with their moms. i guess, this is part of what i was saying in my pp. when it comes time, i want my sons to have a good relationship with me. i don't want them not returning phone calls and staying on line all day so the phone won't ring....
i actually couldn't believe how much my mom was affecting my parenting.
it was like sometimes i would start raging and i was possessed by her; i could actually feel her face on my face. it was suffocating.
i have a very lengthy story about this actually, so some good has come of it i guess.
post #52 of 1766
I just wanted to say that showering and batheing are REALLY helpful to me when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Alot of times i'll take a shower in the morning and the evening.

I'd also like to post about jenniey's comment " I won't let my past interfere with my children's lives". I think I'll have to chew it over a bit. My first reaction is 'how is that possible' (for me). I am my history, my story. I breath it everyday.
I feel like my children are my counslers (in a way) and by just interacting with them everyday we expose, identify and (attempt to) heal my weaknesses. Does that make sense. I believe that my children and I have a spiritual contract with eachother (as well as all of my family memebers) and that we "signed up" with those who could teach us what we 'needed' to learn here on earth.
I look at the relantionship between my mother and I and see all that she has taught me, through her weak and strong attributes. I do see that each generation is getting better and more conscious.

more to come as i think about this thought.

cecily
post #53 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bella'smamma
I'd also like to post about jenniey's comment " I won't let my past interfere with my children's lives". I think I'll have to chew it over a bit. My first reaction is 'how is that possible' (for me). I am my history, my story. I breath it everyday.
I feel like my children are my counslers (in a way) and by just interacting with them everyday we expose, identify and (attempt to) heal my weaknesses. Does that make sense. I believe that my children and I have a spiritual contract with each other (as well as all of my family members) and that we "signed up" with those who could teach us what we 'needed' to learn here on earth.
I look at the relantionship between my mother and I and see all that she has taught me, through her weak and strong attributes. I do see that each generation is getting better and more conscious.
more to come as i think about this thought.
cecily
Cecily, thank you for responding to what I said, and now you have given me something to think about.
What you say, and have said throughout this thread, makes a lot of sense.
-jenniey
post #54 of 1766
Thread Starter 
[/QUOTE]When he screams and I have done EVERYTHING..I get so mad. Not that I would ever hurt him..but the thoughts I have scare me sometimes.[/QUOTE]


Exactly. When I do all the right things, I say please, I smile, I explain, I hug, I direct, I am firm and loving, fair and kind . . . and then it's like "you little so and so, you don't appreciate nice mommy, well now you get MEAN monster mommy, that will teach you!" That's when I hate myself. Self hate is the worst, it makes me even meaner and angrier.

His 3 year old anger comes at me like a wave, but my wave is bigger and stronger and it crushes him.

It is selfish to let our anger go on our kids . . . I really believe it is but what can we do but try and try again. I am always happy for another chance to prove that I can be a great mom . . . and I always get another chance!

Do any moms with partners or not ever feel like they can't "complain" to their partners in fear that the partner will think that more kids is a bad idea. Like I feel if my husband doesn't think that I am the perfect mom he might secretely believe that I don't deserve or can't handle more. I guess that might be my secret fear about myself . . .

These last weeks have been good. . . my thoughts are with all the mamas who want to do better. Take it one moment at a time.
post #55 of 1766
Quote:
Do any moms with partners or not ever feel like they can't "complain" to their partners in fear that the partner will think that more kids is a bad idea. Like I feel if my husband doesn't think that I am the perfect mom he might secretely believe that I don't deserve or can't handle more. I guess that might be my secret fear about myself . . .

that's where I am.. but if I didn't have dh to let it all out on I would lose my mind. he is very understanding of "where" I am after a few hours alone w/dd... she is so spirited and this AP parenting business is HARD....
and yet we have been actively TTC for some time... and I can't help but wonder if "god/dess" is keeping us from having another because I don't have it all under control. we had a m/c early last month & that kept going through my head.

I'm thankful for this thread, Morgraine... thanks for having the strength to start it... and thanks to all who share your experiences... I am gaining a better understanding of myself & situation.
post #56 of 1766
Originally Posted by beemama
Quote:
and I can't help but wonder if "god/dess" is keeping us from having another because I don't have it all under control. we had a m/c early last month & that kept going through my head.
I am so sorry you miscarried.
post #57 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Morgraine
Do any moms with partners or not ever feel like they can't "complain" to their partners in fear that the partner will think that more kids is a bad idea. Like I feel if my husband doesn't think that I am the perfect mom he might secretely believe that I don't deserve or can't handle more. I guess that might be my secret fear about myself . . .
Just last week after a bad day, my husband came home and first words out of his mouth were, "do you like being a SAHM?" I was hurt and offended and angry. I said that that was about 12 steps beyond where I was at at that moment. I think the question is valid, but it really didn't address anything at all. I did answer it though. I said I don't want my kids in school, I don't want my kids in daycare and I don't want to work outside of the home (the more I thought about it, the more being a WOHM just sounded that much harder, even with a break from my kids). And I do like being a SAHM. I told him it's just that no one is supposed to do it this way. We're not supposed to be one lone woman by herself cooped up in a house in the city (or the suburbs) with very small children for hours and hours on end. It's not supposed to work like that. We're social creatures and need a tribe. What I create with playgroups and outings is not remotely the same thing either. I am still some days in my house trying to keep our life together. I am still isolated and alone. There isn't anyone next door that I can talk to. It's all across town; my family is hours away. It's just not supposed to be like this.

Yet my husband wants always simple solutions for simple problems. Our life and my rage is just not that way.

My therapist and I did talk about this rage last week. Her solution was bizarrely simple and therefor somewhat surprising, though not entirely out of line. Her solution was that since I know that I have a limit, I should just avoid getting there. She said to get a babysitter. I would love to get a babysitter, but I am not from here and it's a lot more complicated when you hardly know anyone. And also it's just not always practical to have a daily afternoon coffee break with myself while the babysitter watches the kids. That hardly even makes sense to me. My second question to her was supposing I could get a babysitter, what exactly would I do? She said I could go shopping by myself. Which sucks, because as a modern, nuclear mom in the burbs, all I can do is shop. I used to go shopping with DS1 when he was a baby during the day because I didn't really know what else I could do. Why is that the only option? Consume more....

I'm totally babbling. I'm not sure if any of what I said is relevant even. :
post #58 of 1766
i am so fed up with not having a circle of like minded females to connect with and share childrearing experiences with and take care of who would also take care of me....

you are right. isn't supposed to be this way.
post #59 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenniey
i am so fed up with not having a circle of like minded females to connect with and share childrearing experiences with and take care of who would also take care of me....

you are right. isn't supposed to be this way.
post #60 of 1766
This thread has helped a lot of moms. I hope this helps some here too. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...=yelling+sledg

Pat
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