Originally Posted by Morgraine
ok . . . Dh is away. Spent last night (night 5 with 3 yo vomitting) and the 9 month old is stuffed up so badly he can't nurse and will only sleep with me sitting in a chair barely. But I am managing . . . everything in fine. The babe is up at 6:00 - 9:00 roles around and he needs his nap and has been cranky for at least 21/2 hours. So I get the 3yo all set up. Books, games, snacks, and I tell him quiet, if you really really need something creep up stairs really quietly and get mommy. baby is sleeping for 20 minutes and what do I hear MOmmy Mommy mommy . . . on and on for 5 minutes. But I can't move or respond lest I wake baby. Then all the crying wakes him and I go down stairs and freak and of course ds had had a huge loose stool in a tupperware container which in my fury I kicked and sent poop EVERYWHERE> god help me . Well o.k. now I need to patch things up with DS.
Am I expecting too much of him? Should he be able to stay quietly playing while I help baby nap for 40 minutes?
First of all, I admire your honesty so much.
You have the two kids right? One is 9 months, the other is 3?
I've got to tell you, if there were ever a time i truly doubted myself as a mother, as a caring and compassionate, loving humane woman, it was when I had the two boys at about the same age difference as you. I could tell you things, I could tell you stories, I could write you books, on how horrible I was at mothering. Reading your posts, I don't think I have to. You know what it is like.
I really want to reply to your questions but I have to think about it for a little bit. I want to remember what it was like at that point and decide if there were anything I think I could have done differently. I am still living with this rage, but it was stronger with 2 children than it is with 3.
I have to say, I think this is important. I think, having 1, I was like, "oh, cute. look at me. i am a mama. aren't i sweet. isn't my little boy sweet. aren't we just the sweetest little family.".... pregnancy strikes....
not so sweet.
having 2 was hard. went from fun with a touch of crazy to crazy with a touch of fun. with 2 i started to think i actually never existed the way i remembered in my mind. i thought, maybe i had made up that other person who was going to be a folk mama.
ahhhh. 3. at this point. when i found at i was pregnant even, and believed it, being a mama became a job. i don't really mean this in a bad way. but 3 children wiped out all possibility of ever returning to the life i once knew. it was a good thing, for me.
having 3, i was like, "hey look at me, i can do this. i have 3 boys. no god would give me 3 boys if i couldn't handle it." (...i consider myself to be of no religion but believe strongly in something bigger than us...) i felt proud and strong and wise.
i still have bad hours, days, weeks... but i can pull out of it better... and i don't freak on the boys the way i did (maybe still once a month i come close or do a little). imho, i believe this is b'c i stopped focussing on hating being a mama (ie: lack of sleep, lack of adequate nourishment, lack of personal space and time - lack of support&friends i still hate), and i started just BEING A MAMA. i started taking homeschooling a lot more seriously (actually explained to the oldest what this would mean and we currently home-pre-school, not because i think it is important to start early, but because i thought it was important to set him apart from his littler brothers and give him something to do when i had to be occupied with humbler undertakings.)
i still haven't answered your questions, which i bolded, because i am not ready to yet. i asked myself those same questions at one point and nothing i did to change seemed to help. if i wasn't angry at him for being too little, i was angry at myself for having no life/sleep, or angry at the baby for being a baby. but i will think on it.