Parenting and Rage - Page 4

[Sepia]

Originally Posted by APMom98

We've identified my guilt feeling as my triggers. When I start feeling less than, with my kids, that's when it's guilt and anger and sometimes rage.

Wow! apmom98 this was really enlightening to me. thanks for sharing. I definitely have a weird kind of internal rage when my kids aren't all happy and content. I think you've explained it for me. thank you

[Sepia]

Originally Posted by annakiss

TThe thing is for me that I can watch this happening. I can hear the words coming out of my mouth as I am screaming

me too! and sometimes i its things that i just canNOT believe i am actually saying. yuck.


eta: as i continued reading this thread i was nodding my head and laughing and crying... I can relate to so many (all?) of you!

I was rofl about "you don't appreciate nice mommy, well now you get angry monster mommy!" I have been there so many times!

[Morgraine]

no such thing as anger?

no anger - there is only hurt, scared, frustration or a combination of these things. We can not heal from the anger or rage until we start to talk about the real underlying issues.

Hurt that are children won't accept our best and cooperate when we need them to.

Scared that we aren't doing our best for our children

Frustrated when we are tired and have gave our all and yet our children need more

HMMMM??http://www.mothering.com/discussions...e=1&p=4636240#

[timneh_mom]

I have the hardest time coping when I am tired. And I am tired all the time because DS does not sleep well and often keeps me up for 1-2 hours in the night, and lately he has been cutting back on his naps. I try to nap with him when I can but it is just not enough. I feel like such total crap from being so sleep deprived for so long that it feels like I will never feel good or rested ever again. My son is so delightful and I get so upset with myself when I get mad at him... although it is not his fault because he isn't doing it on purpose, he is the reason why I am not sleeping enough... I just try to rest as much as possible and on the days it's really bad, I try to just lower my expectations... I'll keep an eye on this thread though for sure, thanks to everyone who has talked about such difficult things... it's not easy that's for sure.

[luvmy2boyz]

Thank you all so much!! I just happened to stumble onto this thread and I swear, it's been a total comfort to know I'm not alone.

I too do not admit my rage easily--I try to hide it from everyone, even dh. I love my boys, I truly do but I behave so badly with them. I yell, I scream, I say things I wish I never had--I've spanked. That's the worst I think, for me. I swore I'd never spank my kids--thankfully I've never 'beat' them, but believe me, the thought has crossed my mind. I hate myself for letting my anger get the best of me and I feel such guilt about it. There have been times that I just cry and rock my boys after I yell...sigh.

I went on anti-depressants after my 2nd was born (yet another momma who's rage 'started' after the birth of another child), until that point my first born never saw 'psycho mom', he only saw patient, calm mom. The drugs worked for a while, but when my 2nd son was a yr old we moved out of state, away from family and friends. We moved to Louisiana and while I loved the people and the way of life--there were things I could not get over. Being alone was one, dh being gone for work all the time and let's see...the weather. We got hit a tornado 6 mos after we moved into our house--major repairs. We then went through threatened evacuations and eventually Katrina--more damage yet again but we didn't lose a thing (unlike so many others ). I mention this because I keep thinking that maybe my rage has something to do with all of that--being so unsettled and alone for so long. I did make friends, but they weren't AP and it was hard not to be influenced to some degree, which is my fault entirely for not being stronger. But now, those friends I've made are gone, we moved back home and we're unsettled once again...sigh.

And...we just found out we're expecting twins!! And dh is working more than ever. How on earth can I handle 4--2 of them newborns--when I have all this crazy rage inside? I cannot sleep, I can't stop thinking about all that's going on and what will be going on. I want to stop all of the yelling and I want to stop it now.

I do not want to do this to my kids. I want to be a better mom. I want to live my life and not regret how I treated my children. I want my children to grow up happy and not be adults who say, "I had a crappy childhood, my mom yelled and screamed all the time...".

Sorry to go on and on...but it does feel good to actually get it all out. Thank you all so much for being so open and honest, it's brought smiles and tears to my eyes and I'm truly thankful I found this thread.

Sandye sahm to Devin 5yrs, Ryan 2.5yrs and twin peanuts : edd 09/15/06

[JennieYoung44]

Originally Posted by luvmy2boyz
There have been times that I just cry and rock my boys after I yell...sigh.

i think i wrote your post... thank you for saying all that.
my circumstances are exactly like yours (well, except twins, i have to say, i feel for you.).
for me things got easier having a new baby on top of the two boys. it gave me something to take care of that didn't yell at me, have unfullfillable needs, that was basically just cute...
hope the same for you.

[Morgraine]

that is heavy luvmy2boys. I agree, it is good to get it out. You have to name it to change it. I guess it really depends on finacial situations. I mean ideally you could have a mother's helper . . . but who can afford that! My family is also very isolated from family and my friends have their own little ones to deal with. There are solutions. I am sure you will find one that works for your family.

Thinking of you sisters.

[tofumama]

Oh, mamas...I wish I could hug you all...
I could have written most of the posts here. I can't tell you how glad I am not to be so alone. I feel like such a failure as a mom sometimes for being 'mean'. How can I treat these blessings in such a harsh way? Mothering is one of the hardest jobs there is...

"There have been times that I just cry and rock my boys after I yell...sigh." ~yeah, luvmy2boys, me too....

[Morgraine]

ok . . . Dh is away. Spent last night (night 5 with 3 yo vomitting) and the 9 month old is stuffed up so badly he can't nurse and will only sleep with me sitting in a chair barely. But I am managing . . . everything in fine. The babe is up at 6:00 - 9:00 roles around and he needs his nap and has been cranky for at least 21/2 hours. So I get the 3yo all set up. Books, games, snacks, and I tell him quiet, if you really really need something creep up stairs really quietly and get mommy. baby is sleeping for 20 minutes and what do I hear MOmmy Mommy mommy . . . on and on for 5 minutes. But I can't move or respond lest I wake baby. Then all the crying wakes him and I go down stairs and freak and of course ds had had a huge loose stool in a tupperware container which in my fury I kicked and sent poop EVERYWHERE> god help me . Well o.k. now I need to patch things up with DS. Am I expecting to much of him? Should he be able to stay quietly playing while I help baby nap for 40 minutes?

[Bufomander]

I need to get offline right now, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who has been brave enough to share their experiences. Even knowing others struggle with the same thing is helpful to me.

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

I am here....haven't had a chance to read all the post...but I am feeling that I have found a home here....
Subbing for now...when I had a moment today I will thru and post more....THANK YOU for starting this thread!!!!!! all around

[fuller2]

I haven't read every post here, but. The rage to me feels like a totally natural reaction to being left alone to care for small children, something I truly believe is not 'natural' for our species. (Can you imagine some cavewoman trying to hunt and gather, make shelter etc while also looking after a bunch of small kids alone?? Didn't happen, was groups of people doing it together) Yet our culture gives us the powerful message that mothers ARE supposed to do it all alone. Even MDC has a bit of this myth about it, the perfect selfless AP earth mother in harmony with her babies and the universe (and the many less-than-pleasant comments about women who use even part-time day care, even send their kids to preschool).

I am a single mom whose ex takes care of our son (age 3) probably as much as I do (even more, sometimes); we also do a babysitting trade with another family and he goes to preschool 3 mornings a week. Though I do miss him when he's with his dad, and sometimes feel he's away from me too much, I KNOW that part of the reason he has so far (knock on wood ) turned out to be a pretty easygoing kid is because he rarely has to deal with exhausted, isolated parents. (Well, I didn't have the greatest time last week, but...) My ex and I have something closer to an equal parenting relationship than anyone I know, and because of it neither one of us is frequently sent to the end of our ropes. Most of the time, our son gets warm, loving care by a small group of people who don't usually have him long enough at one time to become overwhelmed and enraged, if I can be so blunt.

So I think one of the mysterious external places this rage comes from is the cultural expectation that we are supposed to do it all alone. Then we get beat up both by ourselves and by society if we don't love this. Even our response to it is so often a problem with OURSELVES that we are supposed to fix by ourselves. (like trying to fix global warming by buying yourself a Prius.) Look where this thread is--in Personal Growth. But in some ways I think that is exactly the wrong approach. It's the way our culture structures our families and our everyday lives, making everything about individuality. If it was normal for us to raise our children with the everyday help of family and friends, I bet there wouldn't be as much rage. I wonder if it's not so much about personal failings but rather the failure of society to take child-raising seriously as everyone's responsibility.

[tofumama]

Wow, fuller2
I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying. Those feelings of isolation, and the 'I shoudl be able to do this by myself' tape that runs through my mind...despite the fact thtat its NOT natural...Thank you for posting that.

[JennieYoung44]

Originally Posted by Morgraine

ok . . . Dh is away. Spent last night (night 5 with 3 yo vomitting) and the 9 month old is stuffed up so badly he can't nurse and will only sleep with me sitting in a chair barely. But I am managing . . . everything in fine. The babe is up at 6:00 - 9:00 roles around and he needs his nap and has been cranky for at least 21/2 hours. So I get the 3yo all set up. Books, games, snacks, and I tell him quiet, if you really really need something creep up stairs really quietly and get mommy. baby is sleeping for 20 minutes and what do I hear MOmmy Mommy mommy . . . on and on for 5 minutes. But I can't move or respond lest I wake baby. Then all the crying wakes him and I go down stairs and freak and of course ds had had a huge loose stool in a tupperware container which in my fury I kicked and sent poop EVERYWHERE> god help me . Well o.k. now I need to patch things up with DS.
Am I expecting too much of him? Should he be able to stay quietly playing while I help baby nap for 40 minutes?

First of all, I admire your honesty so much.

You have the two kids right? One is 9 months, the other is 3?

I've got to tell you, if there were ever a time i truly doubted myself as a mother, as a caring and compassionate, loving humane woman, it was when I had the two boys at about the same age difference as you. I could tell you things, I could tell you stories, I could write you books, on how horrible I was at mothering. Reading your posts, I don't think I have to. You know what it is like.

I really want to reply to your questions but I have to think about it for a little bit. I want to remember what it was like at that point and decide if there were anything I think I could have done differently. I am still living with this rage, but it was stronger with 2 children than it is with 3.

I have to say, I think this is important. I think, having 1, I was like, "oh, cute. look at me. i am a mama. aren't i sweet. isn't my little boy sweet. aren't we just the sweetest little family.".... pregnancy strikes....
not so sweet.
having 2 was hard. went from fun with a touch of crazy to crazy with a touch of fun. with 2 i started to think i actually never existed the way i remembered in my mind. i thought, maybe i had made up that other person who was going to be a folk mama.
ahhhh. 3. at this point. when i found at i was pregnant even, and believed it, being a mama became a job. i don't really mean this in a bad way. but 3 children wiped out all possibility of ever returning to the life i once knew. it was a good thing, for me.

having 3, i was like, "hey look at me, i can do this. i have 3 boys. no god would give me 3 boys if i couldn't handle it." (...i consider myself to be of no religion but believe strongly in something bigger than us...) i felt proud and strong and wise.

i still have bad hours, days, weeks... but i can pull out of it better... and i don't freak on the boys the way i did (maybe still once a month i come close or do a little). imho, i believe this is b'c i stopped focussing on hating being a mama (ie: lack of sleep, lack of adequate nourishment, lack of personal space and time - lack of support&friends i still hate), and i started just BEING A MAMA. i started taking homeschooling a lot more seriously (actually explained to the oldest what this would mean and we currently home-pre-school, not because i think it is important to start early, but because i thought it was important to set him apart from his littler brothers and give him something to do when i had to be occupied with humbler undertakings.)

i still haven't answered your questions, which i bolded, because i am not ready to yet. i asked myself those same questions at one point and nothing i did to change seemed to help. if i wasn't angry at him for being too little, i was angry at myself for having no life/sleep, or angry at the baby for being a baby. but i will think on it.

[JennieYoung44]

October 2004

After i got away for a month with the two boys to visit folks my head was really clear and i felt okay about things. i didn't really lose it for like 3 or 4 months after these visits, our home was so peaceful and i actually forgot what it sounded like to yell. when i got home i talked to dh and we came up with some sort of game plan for dealing with my attitude.

basically, it was simply to pretend to be what i wished i was.

here it is:

1. i will not yell at the boys just because i want to prove (to whoever is listening or not) how hard my hour, day, life is. or how bad they or one of them has just been.

[I]the thing with this was i really found that i was feeding my anger (turning it into rage) by verbally expressing what had just happened. everybody involved knew darn well whatever had just happened and i was standing there in the midst of it yelling, "you just poured all of the dirt onto the floor. you have dirt all over you. do you know how long it is going to take me to clean this mess up? i can't believe you just did this. go to your room, no, go to a time out! how could you?...." i was turning a little thing into a huge thing by reminding myself of what had just happened.
2. if i feel the urge to be rough with one of them i will fight it back. i will hug and love them, my hands will be gentle and loving.


3. when dh comes home i will tell him all the good things about the day first.

4. when i tuck the oldest into bed i will have him tell me his best part of the day, and his worst. we will talk about it.

5. everynight i will confess to myself and dh anything i did or said that i shouldn't have and i will forgive myself.
journalling comes in here

6. i will understand that i am an adult and can at least pretend to change over night. my boys are just little guys and they need my example to follow. i cannot follow their example.
what this meant for me was, i can't act like a monster because they are, and i can't expect them to be patient just because i am.

i have no idea if this will help anyone. it did help me but i wonder if it wasn't the conviction to do it more than anything.

[Emilie]

thanks mams for being here.....
lots of good ideas0- my aunt and uncle were here this weekend.... ds did NOT want them to leave..... i knoe it was because he did not want mean crazy sometimes happy- sometimes not- mommy back.....
i need to get help and make a change.

[TeaBag]

Oh Morgraine... You are in such a rough patch right now. I don't know if you're expecting too much. I mean, my ds still can't play alone for 40 minutes...and he's seven. It's all personality.

I've been doing somewhat better. Red recommended that I try some rescue remedy and the stuff works magic.

We had a very stressful week last week and over the top stressful weekend. I lost ds in Target last Saturday night. We found him....15 minutes later. Then the girls decided to cut their own hair, and I did not react well at all. And then my cleaning lady cancelled on Wed, rescheduled for Friday--I had a dinner party planned for Sunday. She cancelled on Friday as well. DD1 was sick on Friday, terrible croup on Friday night, Satuday we had a birthday party that we had to go to, and ds has hockey and his end of season pizza party. Dd1 was soooo sick, but being that dh is still deployed, I had to do it all myself, so I dosed her up with meds. and out we went. There's more to this part of the story, but I'm not posting it here.

So, I'm spending all day Friday cleaning house, I had to hire my sitter to come over and stay with the girls so that I could get my groceries for the party on Sunday (another almost $20 out of the budget). Saturday, comes and goes. Sunday comes and the house is still a mess. Dd2 is now sick. I have a sore throat and a cough. Cleaning frantically.

Guests arrive to a clean house(well the areas they could see anyway! ) and a nicely cooked meal. Children are at least dressed and if you knew my girls, that's an accomplishments in itself!

Not once did I give into the rage. Not once did I feel out of control. I got angry. I expressed that anger (I even raised my voice a few times) but I did NOT yell, scream, kick or hit anything. I did not punish them.

Why? Because I forcibly removed myself from situations. I decided that I will be the mother of that toddler...if they cannot handle something, they need to be removed from the situation. I spent some time in my bathroom But I was able to hold off the rage.

Maybe in posting here and reading your stories, adn the things that have worked for all of you, and knowing that I Am Not Alone. helped me so very much.

[tofumama]

I also find 'spending time in the bathroom' has helped me to keep myself from completely exploding. I will sometimes say to the kids that 'mommy needs a time-out for a couple minutes'. What I really need is 3 hours, but that couple minutes will do in that moment.

[Strong Mama]

I am so loving this thread! I FEEL the rage often, it started after ds 2 was born and I suffered ppd terribly. I thought the rage was ppd related, and I am sure it was as it is not as bad now(2 years on) than it was then. But I HATE the rage. My dh says I have a monster face on and he makes me feel so bad for the rage but literally I am with ds 2 ALL day and have been for his whole 2 years of life. I have never left him with anyone or had a little break or anything so yeah, the rage is inevitable in my opinion! DH doesnt have to put up with ds in the kitchen underfoot as I am tryhing to cook/clean, etc(gates dont fit the doorway and dh is too lazy to build something)Luckily I am blessed with the BEST 2yo in the world who can play alone for over an hour, takes 2 hour naps a day and sleeps 12 hours at night most of the time. BUT I still feel the rage.!! I am going to start doing the bathroom thing. I think my rage stems from guilt of ppd and I feel so angry for suffering and not bonding with ds2 as I would have loved to even though I wore him for 6 months , etc..I couldnt breastfeed due to medications and I just HATE myself when I look at my beautiful son and think I didnt give him all he needed in his first year and I feel like a horrible mom 99% of the time because of my ppd when I yelled at him when he was a baby and told him to SHUT THE F**K up(yes i did ) when he was screaming nonstop. I know it wasnt me, but I have these feelings of guilt like you wouldnt believe and dh just doesnt understand. Thankfully I am better now 100% from ppd but how do I deal with the guilt? Thanks for the long vent here.

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

reading...trying to catch up with all of you.