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Parenting and Rage - Page 32

post #621 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emese'sMom View Post
Pat, are you familiar with the book, "Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness" by Jon Kabat-Zinn? (Now that I'm looking at the cover, I see the preface was written by Thich Nhat Hanh ). I was going to ask if you had ever read it (mine is completely dog eared and book-marked from my coping-with-anxiety heyday). If it's similar then I won't bother to get the book. Just wondered if you knew. Full Catastrophe is all about mindfulness meditation as well.
I am not familiar with that book, but am with the author. Jon Kabat-Zinn is inspirational, imo. And there is something simple and practical about Thich Nhat Hanh's writing that helped me to place the past in perspective, without demanding "forgiveness", and without denying my feelings about it. There is something empowering in his writing about the choice to *be peace*. I believe it is available at the library also.

Pat
post #622 of 1766

New here

Hi everyone,

I'm going to jump in here. I've skimmed some of the pages but obviously don't have time in one sitting to read the entire thread-lol!

I've recently posted in the GD forum under "I think I may need help". I'm having problems with rage (always have) with my kids. A few days back it got out of control and for the first time, I laid a hand on my youngest child. (15 months old.) It really scared the crap out of me. It's been a long time since I've been physical with my children, but that doesn't mean The Rage has ever been under control. I've said terrible things to my babies and have hurt them with my words.

I'm glad to have found this thread for support and info/resources to get help for my anger.
post #623 of 1766
Kristin, two things. It sounds like you don't feel like you had a chance to create a "me" before you became a mama and all the demands that entails. I know that I felt that I needed to go to college for my own self-esteem. I had been told for so many years that 'you need a college degree to be successful', that I had begun to believe that I wasn't "anybody" until I was "educated". Interestingly, after earning the degree as an adult, I realized how much I was learning without school and how much more I knew from my adult experiences that the younger students didn't know. Things like not getting all worked up about grades, and not worrying what the teacher thought; I had become more self-confident along the way by living as a responsible adult. So, the degree was a goal, but it really didn't give me what I thought it would. I had earned my confidence along the way through living. Now, we have chosen to unschool our son, precisely because we are aware that we ARE learning all the time and do not need someone with "credentials" to teach us about life and learning. We are living it; and Life teaches us without the judgment and artificial environment that school encompasses.

So, I am not denying your desire for an education, but you can begin finding ways to provide yourself with the sense of accomplishment, challenge, creativity and recognition in many arenas. I don't know what your passions are, but you might enjoy expanding those without the constraints of school. If writing, art, math, typing, business, parenting, sewing, etc., etc., are your interests, there are many ways to explore and grow within that area with additional "education" that is fun and rewarding. Or consider taking some on-line courses, or night courses, or CLEP some classes, or teach some classes in areas of your own skills and interests. Or start a small home business. There is no way not to be learning and challenged owning your own business. Begin reading everything and anything that is related to your passions, you will learn and grow much faster than in a classroom setting, imo. Consider getting the syllabus from the classes in which you are interested. Contact the professor and buy the books and read them on your own. You'll be head and shoulders ahead when you actually take the class. Anyway, there are many ways to get an education and a sense of accomplishment.

Another thing to consider is if you have PPD. Here is a private on-line quiz. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=201141 And here is a thread about natural remedies for PPD. Often, our nutritional and mineral supplements are out of whack from pregnancy and birth and that influences the out-of-balance feeling of our moods. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...highlight=bach

Another issues is if you are an extrovert, you may need more social interaction than you are getting at home. I am and I do. I created playgroups, invited anyone with a child within 5 years of ours to come to visit. This helped my sanity more than anything else. Dh didn't understand, because he is an introvert and was out working with people all day. So, at the end of the day, he wasn't able to help meet my needs for intellectual stimulation either. Thankfully, there are on-line communities like this one.


Best wishes, Pat
post #624 of 1766
Hey, I loved this Note from the Universe that I received today:

"There's nothing you're "supposed" to be doing with your life. No one is judged based upon how much turf they cover, how many mountains they climb, or how many deals they close. And because even one small drop from the sea, is as infinite as all of the oceans combined."

You can sign up to receive a personal note from the Universe. They are insightful, inspirational and free. :-) http://www.tut.com/

Pat
post #625 of 1766
i like scott noelle's daily groove, a free daily email. here's the archives.

http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove
post #626 of 1766
Not such a great day here, I'm afraid. Menstrual mood difficulties and tiredness made me irritable and depressed today, as well as the fact that I didn't get to have an actual conversation with another adult. I yelled several times today, and didn't even feel that guilty about it, which I took as not a good sign. :

I got SO SICK of making nutritious and delicious food that gets refused, even when it's what dd asked for. I know she's 3 and she's being perfectly 3, but the wailing and crying about apples and peanut butter, and the absolute turndown of a lunch that she said she wanted before I went to the trouble of making it… *I don't have enough money to throw away perfectly good food at every meal, even if I didn't feel morally awful about it.

Ugh, I'm tired. I need to go to bed, but I needed to vent a bit first, I guess.
post #627 of 1766
[QUOTE=mariamaroo;7222463]I got SO SICK of making nutritious and delicious food that gets refused, even when it's what dd asked for. I know she's 3 and she's being perfectly 3,...*I don't have enough money to throw away perfectly good food at every meal[QUOTE]

I can so relate, this is often what gets me too. : Sometimes I have to tell that Judging Pair of Eyes Looking Over My Shoulder That Say SHE SHOULD EAT IT that you know, it IS a waste, so I'll eat it, or put it away and she'll eat later..... Or remind myself that she's just being a toddler. It can be very discouraging when you're working so hard to be a good giving nourishing nurturing mama and your babe seems to 'take it for granted'! But then I remind myself too that she does love me, she's just immature and a baby for goodness sakes!

Hope you have a chance to get some rest and outer stimulation. Any chance of being around other adults soon? Are you taking any supplements like Omega's or Primrose oil for the PMS, multi's, B vit?
post #628 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emese'sMom View Post
Are you taking any supplements like Omega's or Primrose oil for the PMS, multi's, B vit?
I had been taking EPO for the PMS before I got pregnant, and I LOVED it, but after pregnancy I had some weird effects from it: dizziness, nausea, weird stuff. So I didn't take it for a long time, but I've just started trying it again, and it doesn't seem to be doing anything strange, so I'm definitely going to stay with it. I'm still nursing so I take a good prenatal but otherwise I'm not great on the supplements. I'll have to work on that…

Thanks!
post #629 of 1766
Wow..what an honest thread..this is great !

I do not have kids yet ( June 5th) but I am SO scared of how I will deal with my anger when my child is born. I was not raised in a house that dealt with this emotion in a healthy way..and I have a tendency to not as well.

Part of me keeps thinking..well..it will be different with my child, I will not get as angry because they are my child, and some instinctual mothering thing will prevent me from losing it. Instead I will smile sweetly and respond with calmness.

From what I am reading here I am strating to think it doesnt quite work that way..

So, my question..is there anything I can do to prepare myself for this ?? Any books, resources, reccomendations, thoughts about how to deal with this before hand ??
post #630 of 1766
what a wonderful thread! i'm so glad this is here. i've been reading to see what i can learn from everyone. i don't have rage myself, but my dh does. it's not too often, maybe once or twice a month, but it's still very hurtful. it's never directed at dd, just me...

i just dont know where it comes from? we cant talk about anything in our relationship. i've pretty much shut myself off from him. lately, i've felt like a hermit crab and if i even so much as expose the smallest part of myself, i'll just get pounded again. hence, i dont want to share or be vulnerable or show any emotion--because i dont want to get hurt, AGAIN. DH isnt physically abusive, but it's taking a toll on me physically. i get nauseaus when he yells and screams at me. the dog usually throws up too. then i cry, dd cries, and he gets more enraged. we have a hole in one bedroom door, a shattered phone, shattered remote control and a very broken kitchen drawer.

i love my dh, but i'm so hurt by his actions, i've considered leaving. i dont want dd to grow up like this thinking it's okay for her mom or her to be treated like this.

does anyone know what i can do to help him?

i know this wasn't the most appropriate place to post this, but i've asked questions in other threads and didn't know if anyone else could help.

i really have empathy for anyone dealing with this...i hope you find the peace and calming in your life that you need

thanks,
danielle
post #631 of 1766
Jessie'sMom - does dh acknowledge that there's a problem? Is he willing to go for anger management counselling or do some reading on it? Is he willing to makes some changes? I agree that him acting out like that when he's angry is a concern.

Enchanted Gypsy - you might find reading some anger management books helpful and/or doing some counselling. After dd was born I found this book helpful: "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About It" by Bonnie Harris. It really puts the ownership of anger mgmt in your lap, advocates learning to understand where your child is coming from, and learning to communicate better.
post #632 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emese'sMom View Post
Jessie'sMom - does dh acknowledge that there's a problem? Is he willing to go for anger management counselling or do some reading on it? Is he willing to makes some changes? I agree that him acting out like that when he's angry is a concern.
nope. the next day he always wants to pretend that everything is still fine...like nothing happened. right now i've looked to see which counselors are cover in our insurance and i'm going to go. i'm tired of feeling emotionally drained and beat up. i'm afraid to suggest counseling for him--i dont want another episode--so i'll just tell him that i'm going.

thanks for responding, it helps.
post #633 of 1766
Bumping.

Pat
post #634 of 1766
Hello all. I was pointed to this topic when I posted in a poll in the GD form.

I have a long way to go ladies. I spank my children. I want to stop. I also have rage issues. I think they are actually two different but related issues. I do not need to 'rage' to spank. I spank because it is lazy parenting and I don't know what else to do. I try to find advice on the GD form but just get upset at being compaired to my father who was an abuser. Although spanking is wrong, what I do is nothing compaired to what I endured as a child.
Like someone had said about a match and a forest fire. I am holding a match. I am scared of the fire. I want to put out the match.


Do you know how hard it is to come out and admit this in a public form. A form where friends are members. But I need to stop.

So my goal is two fold. STOP SPANKING and stop the feelings of rage.

Gosh, I don't know where to start.

Anyway...here I am. I am going to read more past posts before I open up even more. I am a little gun shy after some of the treatment I have recieved in another form.
post #635 of 1766
Kudos to you Candice for coming out and admitting you have a problem. Spanking is a very touchy subject, I hope you will receive at least part of the help you are seeking here

Admitting there is a problem is the first step (as I'm sure you've heard) I beseech you other mamas to come foreward with helpful advice and stories, rather that any sort of critisism or flaming. This is a brave mama who is trying to do the right thing
post #636 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelovedK View Post
Kudos to you Candice for coming out and admitting you have a problem. Spanking is a very touchy subject, I hope you will receive at least part of the help you are seeking here

Admitting there is a problem is the first step (as I'm sure you've heard) I beseech you other mamas to come foreward with helpful advice and stories, rather that any sort of critisism or flaming. This is a brave mama who is trying to do the right thing
Wow, thank you for that. Believe me...it is very hard to come out and say it on any form. But moreso on a form that has such a strong stance on GD. But who better to get advice from eh?

I have a sister that is a mother and is working on her anger issues. She is MUCH MUCH worse than I am and her anger classes are court apointed. I control my anger much better than her but I still need to GET RID OF the anger. Do you ever? Get rid of it I mean. Do you just learn to control it or can you train yourself to not have it?

Is the anger/rage something that is nature or nurture? I have it from both.

I HAVE to stop the cycle. I was abused as a child, my father was abused as a child. The cycle stops with me. I will not pass this anger down to my children. I will pass down my love of popcorn instred :

My biggest issue is yelling. Even my father once told me that I yell too much. He is the one that screamed and beat me for 18 years.

I have read a few pages and am off to read some more.
post #637 of 1766
post #638 of 1766
Welcome, keep reading. Have you seen any patterns to your anger associated with your diet? Our son has rage and aggression, inability to hear and consider other's needs when he consumes dairy. It develops about one hour after consumption and lasts for 1-6 hours, depending upon quantity consumed. Dairy is not meant for human consumption, imo. It takes about a week to eliminate the dairy proteins from your body.

Also, artificial food colors yellow and red make him hyper and less able to control himself. You might find some information at www.feingold.com about diet and behavior. I can post some more about this later. But, diet is HUGE in our family. When ds doesn't eat dairy, or artificial colors, flavors and preservatives he is considerate and respectful of other's body. With dairy he invades other's space, pushes, hits, kicks, etc.

We also use Rescue Remedy and Cherry Plum for upsets and "out of control" feelings. These are Bach Flower remedies, safe for children even. And available at most natural food stores. I could not parent without my Bach flower remedies.

I am glad you are here and opening your heart to learning another way. I was abused and have learned to see my visceral reactions as something within my control. It is very empowering to learn that I can control my urges to strike back/strike out. You can learn to be an observer of your reactions. That is the first step. Don't damn yourself for imperfection. We all are imperfect and learning all the time.

Pat
post #639 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by candipooh View Post
So my goal is two fold. STOP SPANKING and stop the feelings of rage. Gosh, I don't know where to start.
you just did. as an attached parent, i think it's extremely difficult to admit that you have anger problems, especially if they have resulted in physical acts towards your kid(s). you are very strong and brave for being able to look inside yourself, realize something's not right, and start taking the steps to change it.

i'm sorry you had bad experiences opening up in other forums. i have yet to see anything like that happen over here, so hopefully you'll feel "safer" here.

eta: a feingold diet is a great place to start. i am a cruel, nasty b*tch when i have too much processed sugar. cutting that out, along with all the creepy chemical preservatives and colors, was very beneficial for me. not a miracle cure, mind you, but it cleared my brain enough to let me see the mistakes i was making and feel like i was in control of my own actions again.
post #640 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by candipooh View Post
Hello all. I was pointed to this topic when I posted in a poll in the GD form.

I have a long way to go ladies. I spank my children. I want to stop. I also have rage issues. I think they are actually two different but related issues. I do not need to 'rage' to spank. I spank because it is lazy parenting and I don't know what else to do. I try to find advice on the GD form but just get upset at being compaired to my father who was an abuser. Although spanking is wrong, what I do is nothing compaired to what I endured as a child.
Like someone had said about a match and a forest fire. I am holding a match. I am scared of the fire. I want to put out the match.


Do you know how hard it is to come out and admit this in a public form. A form where friends are members. But I need to stop.

So my goal is two fold. STOP SPANKING and stop the feelings of rage.

Gosh, I don't know where to start.

Anyway...here I am. I am going to read more past posts before I open up even more. I am a little gun shy after some of the treatment I have recieved in another form.
I feel very unsure about what happens to those feelings of rage. Can I get rid of them? Can they really stop, or can I just learn not to be ruled by them? I don't know. But I do think that trying to make them go away or trying to control them is probably not going to be succesful. I think I have to deal with them, probably go through the experience of them (safely, not using my daughter or anyone else – including myself*– as a target) in order to master them. Maybe at that point they'll go away, or maybe I'll just be better at putting them where they belong; I don't know. Either way though, I won't be harming my little girl with them.

Thank you so much, Candice, for being honest and brave in this forum. These kinds of discussions are what help me keep going in my quest for better mental health and a more harmonious household.
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