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Parenting and Rage - Page 36

post #701 of 1766
I am very challenged with not spending time with my parents because they live in town and they are the only people on earth who give me a break from my kids. Its s constant struggle. We want to move back to Colorado but my mom has already told me she is going to follow us when we go. (Not in a mean way, we dont have a hostile relationship-she just doesnt want to live in our town.)
post #702 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaiseTrot View Post
:


i'm losing it right now. i have a 7 month old, he's not sleeping well at night. up every 45 minutes or so to nurse. dh is only home 2 days a week due to his job, so i have no help at night.

anyway. i got about 3 hours of sleep total last night, i feel like hell. i put ds down for a nap this morning and hopped in the shower. halfway through shampooing my hair, he woke up started crying. i got out, grabbed him, put him on the floor. he starts crying. all i want to do is throw my f*cking hair in a ponytail, get dressed. i pick him up. he calms down. put him back down, he flips his lid. so i flip mine. i ended kicking a ball across the room, knocked over a jewelry box, beat the hell out of a trash can, yelled and screamed.

at a 7 month old.

now i feel like crap, like i don't deserve him. he looks at me with this scared look on his face when i get this way, it kills me.

just joining in, i guess. can you say "only child?"
My ds has never taken a nap in his life. Never. When he was an infant I was sick as a dog, exhausted, and suffering from PPD. Well meaning people kept telling me 'I don't understand why you just don't sleep when he sleeps'
This child has never required more than 7 hours of sleep a night.

I was losing my mind the entire time he was an infant. I know what you are going through.

You have to find someone who can give you a break. I don't believe in CIO, but I had to put my son in the exersaucer so I could take a shower, and he did cry until I got dried off and picked him up, but I had to at least be able to take a shower.

It's so hard, and people who had 'easy' babies really can't imagine what you're going through. I remember my son rapidly nodding up and down and side to side to fight off sleep as an infant! It boggles the mind.

I really feel for you.
post #703 of 1766

taking care of ourselves

it may sound strange, and crazy, but we must take care of ourselves first...when we are tried, and sleep deprived we are dangerous to our children, give yourself and your babe a break...you are doing a great job! know that you are, it is so oooo hard and it will pass, but remember some how to take care of yourself first (you must sleep when the babe does at this point...and seek help with a trusted friend~or you will be a useless and dangerous mother) much love, jes
post #704 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by zenfulmama View Post
it may sound strange, and crazy, but we must take care of ourselves first...when we are tried, and sleep deprived we are dangerous to our children, give yourself and your babe a break...you are doing a great job! know that you are, it is so oooo hard and it will pass, but remember some how to take care of yourself first (you must sleep when the babe does at this point...and seek help with a trusted friend~or you will be a useless and dangerous mother) much love, jes

As mothers we need to step back and develop the confidence to listen to our own intuition, our own deep voice telling us what we need to do, when we've crossed a line, and throw off the voice of judgement, no matter where it's coming from. We have to find what we think is right in the balance of health for all members of our family. There are many ways to find health and balance, many ways to raise a child. This is an AP board, and myself live many AP principles, but I think it's good to skim and scan all kinds of philosophies for something that might work for your particular family situation and needs.

Yes, we need to take care of ourselves, but this can be difficult if we lack the confidence and support to do so.
post #705 of 1766
i´m sorry there are so many of us who have a hard time conrollng our anger but glad that i found this thread. i´m having a terrible time lately. i´m tired, haven´t slept well and i lost it yesterday. i want to know if this is happening to any of your children and what i can do about it.

my son is very calm, he´s wonderful and easy to parent...that´s what everyone says. and yes, i agree. he gets mad like anyone else would but takes things very well. but last night i lost it and he´s been getting very angry since then.

when i loose it i throw things and hit things and try not to scream but i talked very badly to him. i try to do this where he can´t see me, but yesterday i did it in front of him. later last night, we were in the living room and he got the tv remote and started hitting the tv with it. i asked him to give it to me, showed him a few things that normaly get his attention but they didn´t, so i went over to take it from him, very calmly. he suddenly threw it on the floor, started hitting me and yelling, and then he opened and closed some drawers very very hard and then came over and hit me again.

this is the first time he does this and i feel it´s because he saw me getting so upset last night. i feel terrible, there are no words to describe it. i´m calling my acupuncturist today again, have to get back to therapy but what can i do to change his chip...you know?
post #706 of 1766
Please don't take this as criticism, because I am far far from being a perfect parent! But I think if you throw things it's only natural that he does too.

Which is why I am working so hard on the yelling thing, I don't want us to be a yelling family. I told both kids today to remind me when I do it, even if it means saying 'mom, you're yelling!' I hope I can get dh on board with that one.

My children, naturally, can yell with the best of them, so here we are. But so far I've been lucky that they do it rarely. I have to make major changes so they don't get any worse.
post #707 of 1766
i know i know!!!!! that´s why i feel so bad...i don´t want him to learn this is a good thing to do. nothing has hurt so much as seeing him like this and knowing it´s my "fault"
post #708 of 1766
I lost it yesterday, too. i am so mad at myself that i say things like "use your words" and "we don't throw things in the house" and then i've yelled, thrown stuff, kicked the wall, etc. i lost it yesterday so bad that i swatted her on the bottom i feel horrible. my husband and i had a long talk last night about the way she is acting lately, and the way we are responding. its like we are in a vicious cycle of rage and violence. i am breaking that cycle today. for me, its about adjusting my expectations--i am expecting WAY too much of my 3 year old, and i am getting frustrated in turn. i have forgotten so many of my ideas--the most important of which is always put the relationship first. no. matter. what. i get caught up in "shoulds" and wishing things would go "my way" "for once" and junk like that, and then my anger spirals out of control. i hope you can talk to your son about what you did was not ok, apologize for the way you acted, and then move on. that is what i plan to do.
post #709 of 1766
hey there. first off, you have a little one and i have found my kids to be my best teachers in growing up. anger does happen. it is part of being real. how we learn to use our anger positively is a life lesson.

the first thing i suggest is forgive yourself. you are not soley responsibly for the adult he will become. you are not the sole provider of the shape of his personality. forgive yourself, and work on getting rest and getting out so you are not isolated and have realtime adult conversation. find ways to be you, even if it is a small as controlling when you turn on a lamp and eventually to having a little project of your own such as making your home nice or knitting. keep in mind the delightful and real person you are.

shut down the constant self-talk - how you talk to yourself is a big factor and learn to enjoy the moment.
i highly recommend scott noelle's enjoy parenting emails. oops, this is quick reply so i'll send the link in another.

you need to find your boundaries and limits to help you navigate. i have found that many of us attach ourselves to our children in ways that are not healthy - really, a child hitting an object or the parent is not a big deal whatsoever. we have to learn why we react so direly and find our strength to feel balanced, and have confidence in ourselves so the little things flicker by and we can appreciate the big picture.
post #710 of 1766
here's where to sign up for the grooves - go to archives to take a peek.
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove
post #711 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by paakbaak View Post
i know i know!!!!! that´s why i feel so bad...i don´t want him to learn this is a good thing to do. nothing has hurt so much as seeing him like this and knowing it´s my "fault"
I know that feeling very well.
post #712 of 1766
the trick is to accept what happenned and change how you react. i always rationalize that we are good mammas if they feel comfortable enough to express their feelings. many children are in emotional spaces where they have to block and hide their anger and that ain't no better. i have found though that just trying to not yell does not work for me. i do yell much less and in apprpriate momemts, but i do have to love that part of me that is real and heart felt, even tho it ain't pretty.
post #713 of 1766
I am so thankful that I read this thread! Lately I have been feeling terrible about yelling more and being so quick to anger. I too am normally patient and fun loving but lately I dont even feel much like myself.
Since we have had the baby my almost 3yr olds behavior has gotten has escalated to new levels. Its been almost five months and things are evening out some but some days are just crazy! It is hard balancing a toddler and a baby and can be so frustrating, and I feel the rage build up and its like I cant control when I blow up and I hate myself for doing that. I want to have more control!
I grew up with a mom that yelled a lot and left for periods of time when she was angry. I never wanted to be like her and feel terribble when I crack and yell. I actually threatened to spank my duaghter the other day after a long long day. I never use threats normally or spanking for that matter but I was at my witts end and it just came out of my mouth.
i have been seriously considering seeing a therapist because this life transition has been hard on all of us.
I am so glad to see that we all have this happens to others, it makes me feel not so crazy.
post #714 of 1766
What a great thread. I've read and re-read parts of it several times over the last few months.
I'm feeling the need to post now because I've had some realizations today and just want to put them out there.
I lost it today on my ds who is now 16mo. He's been going through something the last few months, doesn't really matter what, but it's been grating on my nerves. VERY clingy and crying a lot and most of the time I'm pretty patient. This last week has been especially hard. Anyway, this morning I yelled. I put him down in his play room (not as softly as I should) and came out in the kitchen and began throwing ice on the floor. He had come out of the play room and was watching me and crying. I kept throwing ice (stupid ice maker) and yelling at him to just give me a f*ckin break! There's always such a let-down after a yelling session where I have to gather myself up and go to my screaming child and calm him while this wave of guilt comes over me. During this moment I realized that 1. Now I know why he throws things when he's frustrated. How can I ever expect him to not do that when I'm throwing ice all over the place (and I've been known to hit a yoga ball or two - which he also hits when he's frustrated). 2. I'm out of control when I'm angry. I don't care about my long-term parenting goals in this moment. I feel this overwhelming need to hit something (I always leave my son alone for this reason) and I don't feel better until I act like a complete moron. Can you get rage out without making a fool of yourself? I don't know how. 3. I was ignored when I was upset as a child. I've always had this tendency to shut off when I'm mad. It also acts as a way to get the person I am mad at to chase me to feel loved. I rarely (if ever that I can remember) had someone comfort me when I was "whining" as a child. I was put in my room and left alone constantly if I was "acting up". It hit me today how horrible I felt during those times. All I wanted was my mother to come and comfort me and talk to me about my feelings and what had happened. I'm now doing this to my son when he "whines". I shut him out and let him do it alone.
Good realizations, but yucky feelings today.
Thanks for letting me hijack a hijacked thread and vent.
xo to all you mommies.

Wendi
post #715 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by wendizbaby View Post
Thanks for letting me hijack a hijacked thread and vent.
that's what we're here for. hope it helped.
post #716 of 1766

I need help

I know I haven't posted here for a while, but I'm lurking around most of the time...
anyway, life was in general, fine and for the most part rage-free since I gave up chocolate, but lately...
we moved to Australia (my home-country) and old stuff started coming up and...
I need help!

I just had some serious realisations about my parents and my childhood, and decided to cut myself off from my family all together (not that we've been particularly close).

basically, I put together a bunch of random things in my head and realised what it all means - my mother was raped by her brother when she was 8, this same brother raped my dad's sister just after my parents were married, when she was 14. and my parents not only let this brother stay with us when i was small, he was even left as our BABYSITTER!!! I know I was abused as a child, but I could never remember by whom, and now I finally put all the puzzle together.
my parents allowed a known incestuous paedophile rapist to baby-sit their children...

and this realisation has me boiling with rage again.
its like I wake up in the morning, before I've even gotten out of bed, and my cup is already full. I'm on the verge of crying all the time, and the tiniest things just flip me out.
I have almost no patience for DD, and I'm starting to lose my control with her. I actually pushed her over into the beanbag yesterday (yes, no harm done, but it was a violent act; tho I didn't push hard, she fell down, and there was rage behind my hands). This is just SOOO not cool.

In the midst of it all, I'm fighting with DH, I'm frustrated and depressed, and basically not coping.

I really dont know what to do, and on top of everything, I've just moved to a new place, I dont know anyone around here, let alone have friends!

phew. I think i just really needed to express some of that.
post #717 of 1766
~HUG~

sounds like you've been doing a ton of crucial, difficult personal work. your soul and body are going to need a lot to recuperate. you really know what you're up against, though, so i think you can resettle yourself and move forward soon.
post #718 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by majikfaerie View Post


my parents allowed a known incestuous paedophile rapist to baby-sit their children...

and this realisation has me boiling with rage again.
its like I wake up in the morning, before I've even gotten out of bed, and my cup is already full. I'm on the verge of crying all the time, and the tiniest things just flip me out.
yikes! I think you're entitled to some rage.

good for you realizing where it comes from and knowing that you need to work on it. Welcome to the club.

I think incest survivors are the angriest people on the planet, and with good reason. We just need to find good ways to channel it.

post #719 of 1766
I found Thich Nhat Hanh's book, Peace Is Every Step, really helped me to put my (similar) past into perspective and helped me to feel empowered to live in the moment rather than dwelling in the past. I highly recommend reading it. He also has a book called ANGER. I have found it to be helpful about embracing anger as a message about our values and priorities. And recognizing and honoring those values as important in my life.

Pat
post #720 of 1766

Does it Help?

Does it help with rage when you cut yourself off from dysfunctional family? I feel so strongly that my mom/dad/brother need to be cut off because of the dysfunction in my childhood, and the continuation of everyone in my family always blaming me when there isnt peace. It happened again today.

My problem is that when I try to rationalize it, its not like anyone is hitting my children, or yelling, or raping, or doing typical stuff that would mave severing ties OBVIOUS. I feel a little crazy for wanting to....but I still want to. I hate them. I dont want to hate them for what they did to me. And what they "did" was not nurture me, make me feel loved, take care of my mental well being. They did the typical shaming, punishing, etc until I was 12 and they just quit disciplining alltogether. My mom also has severe swings, I think she is bi-polar but is completley in denial. We never know whats going to happen. (But we can bet it will be MY fault.)

They live in town, and they are my refuge because I am really depressed and having a hard time dealing with the kids. But I dont want the kids around such people! They shame them all the time and they think its just ok! I HATE it but it seems to be the norm in society.

That was a little long wnded, but my point is that I am FAST turning into my mother who was a bitchy, moody, mean spirited, TERRIBLE mother and I wonder if its because of the close contact. I feel dependant on them still, its like a abusive relationship where the victim cant leave.

I just needed somewhere to put this-and mabye someone can tell me what they have done.

I rage all the time, or else I just ignore everything around me and dont discipline because I am too tired. I am working on the depression and my parenting.

Its hard to be commited to AP and yet, I dont have my own self worth so I cant possibly be an effective parent.
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