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Parenting and Rage - Page 38

post #741 of 1766
nevermind
post #742 of 1766
Emese'sMom

Pat
post #743 of 1766
We had a difficult day today too.

I went too long too many times without eating today.

I lost my temper numerous times today. I grabbed dd's arm roughly and picked her up roughly and brought her downstairs in a rush.

Dh and I had a big screaming match. It was bad. Dh and I have a good relationship but obviously there are some landmines and triggers there. We scared dd with our intensity and she was crying in fear. We don't usually fight like that. I don't like that. Later I asked dd if it was scary when we were fighting and she said yes. I apologized and told her we talked it out after.

I feel very ashamed. Dh told me that he didn't like how volatile I was today. I'm not usually like this on a day-to-day basis but I have my moments. I feel very ashamed of myself and my behaviour. There really is no excuse. The thing that worries me is that sometimes it's such an automatic trigger that I don't even realize it! I am just suddenly WILDLY angry!

I get loopy when I feel like my needs are not met or are not important. I am tired of feeling unimportant. I am embarassed to ask for more because dh already does so much. I feel inadequate.

I'm sure it's just PG hormones or something! And I need to grow up some more, and accept my life as it is. There is much to be grateful for. How come I feel bored? to all the Mamas who are working to learn how to tame their rage.

Today I hate myself.

I see my friend Z who is a happy mother of two. She has endless energy, keeps a huge clean house, is so good with her children, an amazing cook and gardener. She's also skinny (GRRR!). Her parenting style is a little different than ours, but she has no doubt in her style and no guilt. I wish I had that confidence too. I find it overwhelming to keep on top of the house and give dd the attention that she desires. I feel so guilty if I tell her "not now" so I can clean or cook. But those things have to get done too. Well that's enough now.
post #744 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by majikfaerie View Post
Is anyone around right now? I totally need some help...
I'm just so full of rage today, and its just building up more and more. I've degenerated to shouting at DD, I've shouted at her about 10 times in the last 2 hours, and I'm getting worried that if i can't calm I'm going to hit her.
I dont know what's going on, if she's being unusually difficult, or I'm just angry for no good reason.

I just desperately want some SPACE!! of course it doesnt help that we are living alone together in the woods, and we haven't had so much as a minute without each other in the last 2 weeks. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Seriously, she is literally jumping all over me, pulling on me, shouting at me, refusing point blank to respect my physical space. I shout at her to get off my body and give me some space. she retreats to the beanbag to whimper, and starts up again 2 minutes later.

My computer is playing up, I've been working on trying to fix it, and DD comes with this big rock, offering to use the rock's magic to help fix the computer. okay, fine, but I insist she stand back just one pace, as she is waving this big rock around directly above the computer, and hey, that would make anyone nervous - accidents do happen, even to grown-ups, and we're talking about a four yo with a rock next to my computer!

So then we get into a fight, I'm insisting, calmly and rationally, giving reasons, why she needs to stand a bit back from my computer with the rock. She is insisting very loudly that she wont drop the rock and she needs to wave it over the keyboard to fix it. this goes on for a minute, I get angrier and angrier, and in the end, just took the rock from her hands and put it down at arm's reach away. She goes into a meltdown and starts shouting at me that I'm not being fair...

I just feel like she's in the way all the time, disturbing and interrupting me all the time. I just need a break, I feel like I cant stand her right now. but there's nothing I can do about it. and no, I really dont have a single friend or family member in my area. we've just moved here.

Really, I am just totally on the verge of freaking out.
I just shouted at her that I need space, and went upstairs. I just feel so full of this huge rage, like there is this violence in me that needs to get out. I just dont have a safe outlet. I cant even go outside and scream now. i'm just not coping

I have been feeling like this soooooo much latley. I am trying to visualize much more positive me...it seems to be working although I spanked like 4 times today which is alot for me. I dont belive in spanking but when I realy loose it, I do do it. (And then I feel like a failure and then I rage more...)

Pray for us, we'll pray for you!

Jenny
post #745 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emese'sMom View Post
We had a difficult day today too.

I went too long too many times without eating today.
I have to make myself eat every 3 hrs or so, whether I feel hungry or not. They never find anything when they test my blood sugar levels, but my ex and my current dh both noticed that I get cranky when I don't eat. Ds is the same way. EX-dh used to pull into drive thrus if I was irritable and just refuse to talk to me until I ate something.
post #746 of 1766
bigeyes - Same here, blood sugar tests always show "all is fine" but I too have to eat every 3 hrs or else! Today I only ate 2 meals which is NUTSO! I KWYM about having to eat, even if you don't feel hungry. Dh observed that sometimes both dd and I don't seem to know when we're hungry....we'll be really crabby and irritable and then all of a sudden realize I'M RAVENOUS! (shrugging) I wonder what it's like to be him. I've told him before that when I'm irritable it's not like I'm having a good time -- I feel miserable! I wish it wasn't so.

Transformed - s and support in your venture not to spank.

majikfaerie - I hope better days are up ahead with some rest and new ideas from WuWei.
post #747 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emese'sMom View Post
bigeyes - Same here, blood sugar tests always show "all is fine" but I too have to eat every 3 hrs or else! Today I only ate 2 meals which is NUTSO! I KWYM about having to eat, even if you don't feel hungry. Dh observed that sometimes both dd and I don't seem to know when we're hungry....we'll be really crabby and irritable and then all of a sudden realize I'M RAVENOUS! (shrugging) I wonder what it's like to be him. I've told him before that when I'm irritable it's not like I'm having a good time -- I feel miserable! I wish it wasn't so.

And boy did it piss me off when ex dh was right. Of course, that was the only time he ever was. :
post #748 of 1766
Thank you all for being here. I can so relate to you, majikfaerie. I haven't posted in this thread for a while, but I came downstairs tonight to find the update email in my mailbox, and at the exact perfect time (well, maybe about 20 minutes too late ). DD (3.75 yo) is not going to sleep (how is it possible? She spent the whole day outside, on a boat, she should be exhausted!!), and I just lost it and yelled and screamed, slammed the door. Twice.

I feel so sad and guilty and such shame and disgust and disappointment with myself when I do this. It's been much too often that I've lost it this past week. I just canNOT cope when she's testing me, and when she refuses to cooperate, or deliberately does what I've just asked her not to do. I too have the physical space problem. I get feeling trapped when she's climbing on me, grabbing my arms and legs, trying to nurse when I'm touched out… I just flip out, and I am harsh and angry without even knowing it's going to happen.

I have made some progress over time; I have some better coping skills than I did last year, and I remember to use them more (the drink of water is key!). But times like tonight, when I'm extra tired, or stressed, or whatever, it goes out the window – and there's a momentum thing too: when I let it get to that point, it's easier the next time and it becomes a real slippery slope. I have to work HARD to pull myself out of it and get out of the habit. Then, once I'm out of that rut it's easier to stay in a more positive space.

My daughter is so perfectly wonderful and precious, and I can't believe I talk to her the way I do sometimes. I too live alone with her in an isolated place, frequently get no break from intense constant parenting, and it just becomes too much for me. I get stressed when the house is chaotic, and that makes everything worse, but I haven't figured out how to keep the housework under control and give the attention and time to dd that she needs.

Right now I don't know whether she's awake or asleep up there; I think she must have conked out while I've been down here, and I feel so guilty for how I treated her. I always apologize, but it begins to feel meaningless to me, and I'm sure to her.

This is NOT the mother I ever thought I'd be!
post #749 of 1766
mariamaroo, you are not alone.

I am feeling like such a bad mom for sitting here in front of the computer while my kids watch schoolhouse rock on a disc.

But sometimes we need to be able to just 'talk' to other adults. This place is the only contact I have with other people some days. After all the negative feedback I've gotten from the job hunt this week, I really need a little bit of reinforcement from people who can relate to the daily SAHM struggle.

This mommy stuff is a lot harder than it looked in those 60s sitcoms.
post #750 of 1766

Rough days....

We all have them!

My problem lately has been that I'm completely unable to forgive or be gentle with myself.

I did quite a bit of overtime at work (I hardly ever do it!) and last Wednesday was my first real day off in a while. It was great not going to work but I was just not in a good mood and not all that fun with DD. I was being really short and just all over rotten.

Since the older two are off with their dad for the summer, I've had a little too much time to dwell on all the mistakes and bad days and now feel like crap.

anyone have tips on how they start fresh or be good to themselves?
post #751 of 1766
Forgiving ourselves -- how do we do it?

I try to understand where it's coming from within me. Sometimes I need to have a good cry and acknowledge the person inside who is crying out for contact, some physical or psychological strokes, some mental or physical stimulation, missing old hobbies, friends, a change in routine, some peace and quiet, or is triggered from childhood abuse stuff. Verbalizing this in a safe space helps.

Allowing yourself to start over. Do I allow dd to start over after she's had a day of wicked tantrums, testing limits, defiance? Of course. Do I still love her? Yes. I sometimes think that if I demonstrate that kind of love to myself she will know and believe I still love her too when she "loses it". When she is grumpy and crying I'll have times of hugging her and saying, "Even if you're mad at me, I love you still. And when I'm mad at you I love you still."

When I cool down, I apologize. I talk about how it was scary or not nice that Mommy did that (freaked out, yelled, whatever). I make amends and let people (dh or dd) tell me how badly they felt when I lost it. I acknowledge (this is important) and actively work to improve. (Fortunately it doesn't happen super often, but when it does, it ain't pretty. )

I'm still working on triggers that come out of nowhere...taking a step back after I've gone loopy. (Just as a side note, dh agreed to a couple of counselling sessions so we can work out a few of our triggers. That's hopeful.)

I try to take better care of myself because, even if it means dd is temporarily frustrated that I need 20 mins to do yoga, it makes me a better mom. I tell her I need a rest and try to come up with ways to play with her from lying down. I tell her I need some quiet, why doesn't she x, y, z to occupy herself?

I try to get help for my outbursts. I try to be open to doing things in my life a different way than I have been until now, if it'll improve things for me and all of us. I've had to be open to change, even if I was very resistant at first.

Usually these things pass. When we get a better night's rest, have a good meal, the weather gets better, things get better. I try to separate being ticked off at dh from treating dd with impatience. This is challenging. I try to keep in perspective that if dd is doing something that annoys me, it may just be a "phase".

If the problem persists and happens every day, all day for two weeks or longer, I'd look in to some counselling. Maybe there's a mood issue? I've gone for counselling (like a PPD support group a couple of times which was helpful) when I felt like things were tipping too far one way. I try to be aware of the mental chatter, what I'm telling myself, and replace the negative ("Oh I'm a terrible mother, see? I'll ruin her. I've really done it now. I'll never get better.") with positive ("Oops that went really badly, didn't it? Well better take a break and take care of myself, then come back more calmly, apologize and try again. I'm just human, we'll have a better afternoon, I am a good mother, etc.")

Just some thoughts.

Forgive yourself, you're human. Take one day at a time. This will pass. Seek to improve but appreciate the journey. Your child will see and learn from your journey too. Take care of yourself, you matter too.
post #752 of 1766
hugs to each and every one of you
post #753 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by tea olive View Post
hugs to each and every one of you
big ditto!

seriously, you guys all rock. your struggles are so sad and so like my own it's uncanny, but your strength in coming here, letting it out, learning from your mistakes, and being more gentle with yourself in the future inspires me to do the same.
post #754 of 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by caspian's mama View Post
your struggles are so sad and so like my own it's uncanny, but your strength in coming here, letting it out, learning from your mistakes, and being more gentle with yourself in the future inspires me to do the same.
Yeah that!
post #755 of 1766
Well, after my last rough day, I've been feeling so good... someone complimented me today on how patient I am with DD and how well I'm dealing with her
post #756 of 1766
Isn't that the greatest thing!!! congrats to you mamma!
post #757 of 1766
subbing to this... having plenty of bads days here but no time to type
post #758 of 1766
Whoa - I'm SO glad I found this thread!!!!

I deal with many of these same issues - I had a VERY angry SAHM mother who would have out of control rages at us until we left home as teenagers. She has gotten better - and we have a pretty good relationship now - but I am still working through the issues it left behind.

Pat, I was SO interested in your comment about "fight or flight" reactions to your child's need for connection - I had no words for that before but totally recognize it in myself. How to overcome that? And where does it come from? I don't know, but have learned through therapy (before children) that just recognizing a problem is the first step....

I am interested in how many women thought they were the "only ones" - it obviously isn't true, is it? It's very common, I think. Mothering is often about giving up the "self" - and the self will fight very hard to be heard.
post #759 of 1766
I've struggled with rage too.

I've found that rage takes over when I am out of balance.

This question is for *everyone* on this thread:
When is the last time you had a break?

Having child-free time is crucial to maintaining sanity and keeping Mom balanced!

Everyday you can do something for yourself such as:

-taking an epsom salt bath (relieves sore muscles and stress!)
-have quiet time (children play while Mom reads a book or rests)
-exercise or go for a walk (fresh air is always good)


Weekly you should have some:

-child-free time in which you get to do something that you choose
-time spent alone with your husband/partner
-time to reflect on your life, what you like and what you want to change
post #760 of 1766
I couldn't read this whole thread. I read the first page and just got too sad, because I see myself in here. I hate that I get angry at my toddler. I have been too rough and so frustrated when she keeps pointing and only communicating incoherent grunts and I don't know what she wants, I ask through an entire list, and just get NO! and she hits me and kicks me and won't let me put a diaper or panties on her and my mom says, well, you just need to spank her and I say, no, and then I end up yelling at Abigail instead, or pushing her away after she has hit, kicked smacked me one too many times because I said, no, you can't have any candy. Sigh.
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