Parenting and Rage - Page 46

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma

Someone directed me here and I am so glad. Today while feeding my almost 8 month old her prunes, the dog came in the kitchen and distracted her as usual. I yelled at the dog and refrained from yelling at Abrielle (like normal). I was SO angry inside. JUST EAT, your hungry, so JUST FRIGGIN EAT. I wanted to stuff the prunes in her face (which of course I didn't, wouldn't, and never have. Why am I so impatient. Why am I so stressed. Why am I so anxious. Why does she need so much from me. Why is the dog always needing me too? IS there ever a moment someone doesn't need ANYTHING from me. When Abrielle night wakes, I am so ANGRY. I have actually had to stop preparing the bottles in advance, because by the time I get to the kitchen, slam a few things and make the bottle and tell her to shut up under my breath a few times. I go into her room calmer and feed her lovingly. I love her so much it sickens me, but all this responsibilty is driving me nuts. EVERYTHING sets me off. Why can't she play alone for 5 minutes? Why does she cry and want to be held? Her newest thing is drinking a bottle in incraments and FUSSING AND ARCHING HER BACK, which makes me INSANE... :

Some days I am so depressed about the mother I am that I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I am mad all the time, stressed even more. Why am I so dysfunctional as a parent. I wouldn't have anymore children if you paid me... It's so so sad...

Torre

That sounds like she's maybe developed a dairy allergy or lactose intolerance, or has a silent reflux? She only drinks small amounts because it could possibly hurt to drink more. I am reaching the conclusion that my 4 yo now developed a lactose intolerance (she throws up after consuming too much milk that won't digest properly).

[pele]

ahhhhhh

just needed to post and say this thread really saved me when I was at the end end end of my rope and starting to really want to pinch, slap, hurt my daughter. It is so good to know that I'm not alone in being overwhelmed even while i'm so in love with my children and being a mama. I got some great new mantras to use when those feelings come up and some wonderful questions to ponder. I'm of the belief that some of the strain comes from the isolation we all experience unless we are lucky enough to be in super close communities. I don't have many people i can freely share with about the dark dark side of mothering. So thank you all.
Love
Pele

[caspian's mama]

now how about sharing some of those mantras??

[pele]

one mantra

the one i've been repeating, i wish i could remember on what page i read it, is this. that which is the least important shouldn't overpower that which is the most important.

which i relate to my life as ultimately my daughter IS more important then whether i get a good grade on my next test.

good idea to write them down!

p.s other ones have been coming out of little house in the big woods which we've been reading. Ma says "theres no great loss without some small gain." that has helped me deal with little annoying things like broken plates and spills that can sometimes send me over the edge, freaking out the poor kid who dropped the plate.

[caspian's mama]

sweet! thanks for sharing, mumma.

[erthe_mama]

Originally Posted by Collinsky

It's just strange because he is a very laid-back person in general, I wouldn't say he has rage issues. (Although he said that if he had the kids for a good portion of the day, every day, they would come out like mine have... which I can see.)

See, that's me. I'm like your dh... lol I'm very laid back, but once in a while, ds really stomps on my nerves. Especially when he's being greedy.

We were talking today about the toy I bought for him to bring to school and how it will be given to another child his age whose parents can't afford holiday gifts. He refused. He wanted to keep the toy. He has too many toys right now, including one almost identicle to the one we're giving away. I just cannot understand the greed. I nearly lost it. However, before I started yelling, I gave myself a time out in a different room. I'm getting better I guess....

Originally Posted by Demeter9

I agree about the inner expectations. However I actually find I deal with my inner-demon about expectations better without any other adults around. So if my DH is around, I actually find it WORSE. Like the load of HIS expectations and my own are just too much to bear.

So true. My mom is constantly hanging about and judging my every parenting move, and has been for the last few years. Fortunately, I'm finally moving out next month though. I know you can't really do that with your dh, and I know it can be so frustrating. I'm sorry.

[caspian's mama]

dp, dc, and i lived with my mom for about 7-9 months. it wasn't an eternity, but some weeks (usually (premenstrual) sure felt like it.

[warrior mama]

I've lurked on this thread for a while.
I have a daily battle with rage right now. I have a almost 3 year old and a 9 month old.
I have rage issues and I used to think it was just me. I never see any other out of control moms, I never hear from them. I only see perfection out in the real world.
In my world I am dealing with a lot of stress. And stress is my trigger. I started reading a book by N. Aldort which is great but when my rage hits, reason leaves. I am trying to stay mindful but the emotion takes over.
I wish I was a better mom....and person.

[harmonymama]

warrior mama--
I'm right there with you. Sensory overload and stress put me over the top. I feel like I go on angry autodrive and that is so not who I am or want to be. I'm such a great mama most of the time, but then its like Jekyl and Hyde over relatively minor things. I'm getting a bit better, but not much... I so want to be a better mama too.

[WuWei]

I just posted this on another thread, but it is what has helped me so many times.

Say "I am the adult. I can control myself." Even if you say it out loud, it will help you to have awareness and self-control.

When you are near that point of frustration, again. And the abject and total "had it" will occur again. Please walk to the sink, fill a large glass of water and drink it. This will help you to gain control and p. a. u. s. e. enough to think before you act. The emotion of overwhelming anger and need to respond can be halted. Please just STOP and take a deep breath. The moment will pass, you can regain your self-control and that WILL help your child to calm and be able to hear you better. Any intense emotion from me is intensely experienced by our son. He loses his rock, his calm in his storm, if I too am amped up. Rescue Remedy helps both of us, if there is anger welling up in me from being close to the edge. I know my triggers are lack of sleep, or low blood sugar. The H.A.L.T (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) triggers apply to both of us.

Often, the pause, drink of water and breathe in, breathe out, is all that is needed for me to calm myself internally, so that I can respond with connection and love. I know that you can do it next time. Please talk about how sometimes we can feel so upset that we can't understand what someone else needs, that you want to help each other to work it out together. Ask them to tell you, "Mom, please don't yell" and that can be your cue to walk to the sink, fill a glass of water and drink it.

It might also help to place a baby picture of the child around to help remind you of their smallness and vulnerability. They are learning. You are learning.

Be gentle with yourself.


Pat

[WuWei]

Sleep deprivation and rage

Another old thread that I found.


My trigger is sleep deprivation. I am not a sane person without sleep. I don't have the patience or self-control that I need. Or at least that is what I have come to/chosen to believe. Interestingly, as a teenager and in my 20's, I could burn both ends of the candle doing things *I* wanted to do and catch up on sleep later. It is harder when the day never gets a respite, like you are describing. What I have found is that when I *tell* myself over and over "I need to sleep!! I need to sleep!! I need to sleep!!", I amp myself up and feel like life is out of control. It is a scary, overwhelmed, vulnerable feeling. However, the reality is that I can survive a day or few with limited actual sleep IF I don't expend my energy on emotional intensity, EAT PROTEIN, drink 6+ glasses of water and get to close my eyes for 15 minutes, somewhere in there while ds is occupied safely. And IF I do those things, my actual experience of going without sleep doesn't feel as disempowering. I have learned there ARE things I can do to feel refreshed; but sometimes, it just seems more "natural" (learned) to just feel angry that ds isn't sleeping.

Me amping up certainly doesn't calm ds down to a relaxed and drowsy state. : So, I am my worst enemy if I am upset that he won't sleep. Instead, if my self-talk is 'I am awake, eat some protein and drink some water, and get ds settled, then I can lay down', I feel much saner, despite not having slept as much as normal. I really can function without my normal sleep for a few days, if I have been taking care of myself as a rule. My needs for sleep (and ability to be patient) are directly related to my self-care. Staying up after ds goes to bed (did it last night myself) is a recipe for getting burned out and drained, if I do it too often, especially since I haven't eaten any protein this morning either.

We have a little tv in ds's room, I can lay down there if he is awake. Is there a way that you can create a little playarea in the sleeping room, while you are laying down and resting? Barricade the door, so that she is contained with you and just know that the 15 minutes here and there are going to be enough WITH going to bed early with her that night. Just break it down into this moment and this day, without telling yourslef "I AM NEVER GOING TO GET TO SLEEP!". Because, you will. And I do. But, how I get through those days and nights with my energy protected, my sanity (nearly) intact and some degree of patience is to focus on 'I will sleep later'.

HTH, Pat

[WuWei]

Sensory seeking activities

Our son is sensory seeking also. I am sensory aversive, mostly due to triggers of feeling trapped when physically punished as a child. Knowing this about myself has helped me to have an observer awareness about my feelings when they are being triggered. Especially, when ds is just wanting to connect and I would feel the fight or flight urgency.

It helps if I connect with him first thing in the morning and create some type of body compression. We have a few sensory games that we have created:

"choo-choo train" is when he lies on the bed and I "row" his feet like a bicycle and we chuga-chuga-choo-choo (he does the train whistle sound) and we repeat that over and over for about 5 minutes. The engagement, physical motion and my participatory resistance/driving of his legs back and forth provides a lot of sensory input in a non-impact way.

Another is "pillow mash"-again he lies on the bed and I place a pillow on top of his chest and firmly "aggitate" the pillow in a jiggling motion and say "pillow mash, pillow mash", repeatedly. This provides input to his chest.

And another one is "salt shaker", again he lies on the bed, and I hold both legs up and "shake salt" out of him. He is sorta upside down (legs up in the air, body on the bed), which gives input of vibrating his head and back on the firm mattress.

Another is "burrito"-where he is wrapped tightly in a blanket and rolled side to side repeatedly.

Another is "sack of potatoes" when he climbs in a pillow case and I lift him up and down from the floor.

We also do "row-row-row-your boat" where we both lie on the trampoline with full body contact and roll across the surface back and forth, singing row-row-row-your boat. The total body compression is very calming for him.

We have his bed mattress and box springs on the floor. So, he'll go up to his room and bounce and jump for sensory input too.

Oh, also he loves to stand in place and jump up to reach my hands above his head. This is helpful when waiting in line, where he is restless, but needs contained activity. It creates jumping, reaching and a goal/game aspect.

Another is where I hold my hands together palm to palm and move them up and down and he tries to clap them with his hands. Again, this is great for when out and about and he has too much energy for the space limitations. A variant of this is where he tries to "give five" while I pull my hands back quickly. These can be used to constructively engage other people in the "game" also, which might free you up for short periods.

He also loves to play in the sink with LOTS of soap, that seems to be very soothing to him (but messy). Some kids really seek multiple baths a day and having that planned before and/or mid-visit may allow a connecting time with you; and a recentering activity, enough to make it a longer night.

So, if we are going to have a lot of sensory stimuli like a cacophony of sounds from a crowded party, we proactively do these games for 15 minutes several times throughout the day. It helps if we are very careful to avoid dairy, HFCS and artificial colors which decrease his ability to hear and consider other's needs. We try to plan activities for earlier in the day, plan some outside play time, especially swinging. Big tight, long hugs help in the midst of chaos to recenter. We also freely use Rescue Remedy (and/or Cherry Plum) Bach flower remedies before (and during) high stress situations.

My frenetic rushing about amps ds up and his sensory needs increase due to the decreased connection with me, as much as anything.

I ran across this other comprehensive list of ideas for sensory activities:http://www.coping.org/intervention/s...nsintegact.htm

It probably helps to practice some of these games so that they are fun, known and can be anticipated. Perhaps, make a list, or place a name of each game on a piece of paper and have her choose one from a jar to play with you or others.

Hope that helps!

Pat

[WuWei]

Activities for physical children, when mama is sensory overloaded

Sensory Activities
Here is a another list of various sensory activities that children may enjoy and benefit from. I am copying this from ShineWithUnschooling. I find that proactively offering and engaging our son with some of these sensory inputs really helps when we have/had a busy day. If we have too much unfamiliar stimuli, he needs a break to recenter with some of these soothing activities. Or else......meltdown!

==========
CALMING ACTIVITIES:
Experiences that may help to relax the nervous system

* Stretches
* Deep pressure massage
* Slow rocking or swinging
* Fidget toys
* Progressive muscle relaxation
* Quite music with a steady beat
* Bear hugs
* Reduced noise and light levels
* Lavender, vanilla or other soothing smells
* Snuggling in a sleeping bag, large pillows or bean bag chair


>>>


ORGANIZING ACTIVITIES:
Experiences that can help an individual become focused and attentive

*Sucking or chewing on hard candy or gum
* Adding rhythm to the activity
* Vibration-toy massager, vibrating pillow, wiggle pen
* 'Heavy work' tasks to include hanging, pushing, pulling or carrying heavy objects

Similarly:

To organize
*Swinging on a swing or climbing
* Rhythmical sustained movement: marching, washing a table, or bouncing
* Rocking in a rocking chair
* "Squeezie" toys (koosh balls, balloons or rubber gloves filled with flour or cream, soft balls, gak, silly putty)
* Hanging by the arms on the monkey bars (20-30 seconds)
* Pushing/carrying heavy objects
* Carrying back packs weighted with books or bags of dried beans (this should only be worn for 15-20 minutes with an hour or two between)
*A reading corner with a bean bag chair makes a wonderful place for escape when there is too much stimulation. Some children may like the bean bag on top of them.
* Play dough
* Tactile Bins (cornmeal, oatmeal, water, sand, rice, beans)
** A bin full of bird seed (brought outside) is merrily cleaned up by the birdies -- no mess! :')
* Kitchen time (mixing, tasting, smelling, washing up)
* Finger painting


Some children also need extra sensory input in their mouths and hands in order to organize their behavior:

* Drinking from a water bottle
* Chewing (you can use a straw, rubber tubing or coffee stir stick)


>>>


* Being brushed with a corn de-silking brush (in one direction approximately 10 times with pressure brush their arms, back (but not over the spine), legs (on the top, outer parts and underneath, avoid the inner thigh area), top of the feet and the hands)
* Sucking on hard candy, frozen fruit bar, or spoonful of peanut butter or marshmallow fluff
* Licorice tug-of-war, blow pin wheels or various types of blow toys, bubbles and whistles
* Pushing against walls with the hands, shoulders, back, buttocks and head
* Cuddling or back rubbing
* Taking a bath
* Being rolled tightly like a hot dog in a blanket
* Being squished under a therapy ball, mat or couch cushion
* Tug-of-war
* Wheelbarrow walking, jumping games like hop scotch
* Crashing games-run and dive into boxes, bean bags and couch cushions
* Pulling a wagon, carrying a heavy book bag, digging in the yard or carrying groceries
* Sports such as wrestling and football
* Deep pressure (giving a massage) and joint compressions (holding above one joint and under one joint then doing a quick 10 repetitions of compressions, pushing and pulling)
* A mini trampoline
* A sockem bopper or whatever they call those weighted kid-sized things that spring back up after you knock them down

Oh, and going outside to blow bubbles is my cure-all. I always have bubbles in the car for "emergencies" too.


Pat

[WuWei]

Listen to your body.

Listen to your body. I had a counselor ask me to visualize where I felt the anger, watch it as it comes upon me. Where is it? What does it feel like? Heat? Tightness? Clenched teeth? Drawn fists? A huge inhalation of breath? Setting my jaw? Hands on my hips? My ears tingle. My chest feels constricted. I feel hot, etc.

Observe. That is the first step of any Scientific Method. Observe yourself. Don't get caught up in the self-talk of 'oh god here I go again, I wish I could stop myself'. Watch. And when you can start to see the signs earlier and earlier...then you can change the story.

I start to feel my chest expand, I set my jaw and I KNOW: "I need to take a break. I am the Adult. I can control myself." And I walk to the kitchen sink and run a large glass of water (and the house can be falling down around me) and I drink the water and I "infuse" it with the "switch words": "Be. Divine. Love. Together." These are connecting words which help to 'switch the energy'. And sometimes I have to take some Rescue Remedy and Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. And then I can think more clearly. But, I had to trust that I could change the story from that which happens again and again and again and again...

With our thoughts we create our world!

Listen to your body. Trust that it will show you the path to that which you desire: peace.

Pat

[WuWei]

Bach Flower Remedies

You might try some "White Chestnut" or "Honeysuckle" Bach Flower remedies. These can really help anxiety and obsessive thoughts. We use constitutional/classical homeopathy also. Here are several links about Bach Flower remedies. They are all natural, safe remedies for stress, upset, fear, depression, etc. You can select those that are best for you based upon reading about each one or taking the quiz at the remedy finder (first link). You can choose up to 5 or so and mix a few drops of each in water and sip as needed, or take straight in the midst of a stressful situation.

Guaranteed to help. :

http://www.ainsworths.com/remedy/default.aspx

http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/remedies.htm

http://www.bachflower.com/38_Essences.htm

I love Rescue Remedy.


HTH, Pat

[pele]

wisdom words

Thank you WuWei for all those detailed posts! I have been seriously challenged these days by my 4yo. I also have a 21mo old. both girls. elder is just like me in ways i don't like to see. Feels like i'm all wrapped up in whats wrong with her, with me.

baby pictures are a great idea. we are coming up on a mutually agreed upon weaning date of christmas. I feel relief about having a set date. I know it will be hard but don't want to be nursing her anymore and my inner wolf mama has been oh so clear on this for a long time.

Heres my big question. SHE gets to freak out and rage whenever she feels like it. My partner and i have been telling her certain things are "not worth crying about" and that she need to calm down, breathe, etc. But we are usually PISSED OFF as we are telling her this. What do you all think? Is is better for kids to fully feel their anger feelings and writhe and scream or learn (at 4?) to get control. my feeling is that she is trying but doesn't have the control. also she has seen me completely freak out enraged many times.

Most recently she was whining crying about picking out a dress and i grabbed her HARD and took her outside in the freezing air and yelled that she needed to stop it. great eh? was awful for us both. For me the rage comed into my arms and hands and i want to slap and shake. Scary i know. I feel like i have so much of it i want to get rid of it but i also WANT to FIGHT. Just not with my kids. I've been thinking about martial arts. Do you think this would help me.

Thanks all of you for this great thread.
Pele

[WuWei]

Pele, it looks like you are a nursing student, finishing your first semester? That was one of the hardest times of my life. I am sure it is very stressful for your whole family.

Have you tried any of the Bach Flower remedies for stress relief? Are you getting enough sleep, protein, exercise? What are your triggers? If you have specific issues in which you and your daughter are struggling, perhaps we could help trouble shoot alternative solutions. Also, the book "The Explosive Child" helped me to choose which issues were more important to me, and which required too much frustration and energy. But, generally, self-care is my trigger and when I feel well, all is well. When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, as the saying goes.

I do validate feelings, rather than say 'it's not a big deal'. Have you read about the Highly Sensitive Child? http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm Are there a lot of changes and transitions, alternative caregivers, new routines, time pressures, etc for your girls? Could you take some concentrated time to reconnect, something fun and indulgent without limits and restrictions, just for the joy of it? The holidays are busy and hectic, perhaps, just simplifying and spending some non-stress time together, doing fun things where the girls have your full attention and are able to direct the play?

Magnesium helps too.


Pat

[jul511riv]

I scored a 20.

Yk, the one thing I realize in reading this is how incredibly intelligent all of us mamas are. It's amazing. It's almost like that's the common denominator.

Well, that and the rage.

And the knowing that it's not okay to be manifesting that rage on/with the children.

I'm just kind of going back to lurking for a bit. I don't really know how to speak on this right now. Things have been good, thank G-d, lately, but there have been times where I just totally lost it. Like some time ago I went to spanking. It was a big wake up call for me. For two reasons. One, because it was actually WORKING!!! And two because I believe that it is WRONG WRONG WRONG and couldn't believe I was doing it. I was totally discusting myself but on the other hand, totally satisfied at (finally) getting to take out my anger, even in small increments.

The irony, of course, is the only time I would spank was when dd attacked either me or ds.

[Jenny Lynne]

I'm about to cry reading this thread. I had never lurked in this forum before, but I stumbled upon it today and this is exactly what I needed. I needed to know that I'm not the only one who experiences rage and that I'm not a bad mother.

I have a 27 month DD and a 5 month DS. I adore my children with all my heart, but they can also make me fly into a rage. I'm generally such a calm, patient, kind person and very gentle and interactive and connected with my children, but sometimes it's like I'm possessed by this rage.

Like many, it usually happens when I want to be doing something, anything, for myself and both of the children are putting demands on me. It's only made worse if DH starts making demands as well. My chest tenses, my jaw tightens, and I just want to scream and run away. Sometimes, when the 2yo is being difficult, I just want to smack her. I would never ever do that, but it just seems like reflex. It's very often when I'm nursing DS to sleep and DD is snuggling closer and closer and closer and I just want to jump out of my skin because I can't have a single bit of personal space. It just infuriates me.

I need to figure out something. I like the mantras and the glass of water. I have to figure out how to change this. I don't want my kids raised to think that they're an inconvenience and can't do anything right like I was.

[harmonymama]

Thank you all for this thread. Pat, thanks for the recent detailed posts, I'm trying to train myself to do the glass of water thing. Also I just got my copy of "Anger" by Thich Nat Hanh and a couple of other little workbooks recommended on this thread, and they are really breathing fresh clean air into my system. I recommend them highly. to everyone! Thank you, mamas!