My sister's boyfriend died - what can I do?

[dlm194]

My mom called me at the lunch the other day to tell me that my sister's bf overdosed on Tuesday night. My sister was on his way to his house so they could go out to dinner. When she showed up, she and his mom had to break down his bedroom door. He was laying on the floor unconcious. My sister tried to do CPR while his mother called 911. They hooked him up to a ventilator that night but the next morning there was no hope so his mother signed the papers to have him taken off. He died Wednesday afternoon. My sister was at the hospital the whole time.

I had no idea he was on drugs until my mom called to tell me he was in rehab back in Nov. My parents had no idea and, apparently, my sister didn't know either.

The thing is, I really didn't care for the guy and I let her know it. Not in a harsh way but the first time I met him was at my parents vacation home over Memorial Day. He spent the entire weekend drinking. He injured his back and his hand at some point so, being a union member, he never planned to work again since the union picked up his salary (he was 25). I'm not sure how he hurt his back though it was not enough to keep him from doing things and he hurt his arm by getting drunk, sleeping on it funny and doing nerve damage. I just used to tell her that I wish she could meet a nice guy who had a job and was motivated about his future b/c I don't think this guy was. At some points, she broke up with him and was interested in seeing other guys but somehow, he always wound up back in the picture. His mother LOVED my sister and begged her to stay with him.

I'm afraid to say too much to her since I wasn't always very nice about him but I am so upset that this happened. I'm sad that he was so troubled and I didn't realize it but I'm also angry that he did this and that it's hurting my sister. I saw him on Christmas Eve (sober and no drugs) - he was amazing a lot more interesting and nice to talk to. I made a comment to my sister right after Christmas that when her bf was not on drugs or drunk, he was a pretty okay guy.


What can I do to support her? I talked to her twice but I think she is just a zombie right now. Everyone keeps telling her how well she is handling it. I have a feeling that comment is really going to bother her soon.

I know I'm rambling and if you read this, thanks!

[moonrosebud]

just love her

There's nothing you can do about what happened to your sister's boyfriend.
There's nothing your sister could have done to save this man (as much as his mother thought your sis might "be the answer").

It is a very tragic thing for a young person to lose their life to an overdose, to succumb to a trail of drug abuse that may have taken their life by 'surprise' even.

Love your sister. Just be you with her. Give her your support, and never mind about what you said you felt about her boyfriend in the past. The future now is what counts, and she will need your support to processs her loss and her feelings for a bloke who had her love, but lacked respect and love for himself.

I wish you well and hope that all of you will get over this loss. I feel very sad for his mother, who probably feels the most helpless and hopeless of all.

[dlm194]

Thank you so much I feel so sad and so mad at the same time. The funeral was yesterday and I think my sister did really well. She and her friends are spending the evening with his mother. I kept asking her friends to take care of her and call me if they needed anything.

[lisamarie]

Such a sad story, I am so sorry. Being there and listening to her, hold her and cry with her. Today and on the one month anniversery, 6 mo. anniversery, valentines day and other days that were special to them. Cards and calls are so important and it sounds like you have such a big heart . She is lucky to have you!

Much Love~

Lisa

[dlm194]

Thank you Lisa! It's so surreal. My little sister should not be dealing with this. Her b-day is next month so I thought I would plan a day at the spa for us.

Someone set up an online guest book linked to his obituary. It's so nice to see all the messages. My sister talked to a guy who was in rehab with her boyfriend and really shaken up by his death.

[KadensMommy]

I am so sorry for your sister's loss....

When I was 19 I was engaged.....my fiance and I argued a lot, and he liked to party (and I was never invited along)....he wasn't always nice to me, but I loved him tremendously. One night he cheated on me at a party while he was wasted....he confessed but I was so angry....I wouldn't talk to him for about 2 weeks.....finally, he showed up at my apartment and refused to leave until I let him in my building....he apologized and told me how he needed to quit drinking, that he felt like he couldn't control himself, etc....anyway, he was a very avid fisherman, the very next day after we had our heart to heart, he drowned in a boating accident......

I was devestated, and to make matters worse, my whole family hated him because they all thought he treated me bad......My reason for posting is just to say that no matter what kind of guy he was, your sister loved him....and even if she "seems" to be handling this well, she probably is not, just be there, you don't have to say anything, just be there, sit with her, listen if she wants to talk.....just be......

Good luck, and know that she will pull through.....time truly does heal....

Smiles,
Rachel