How to approach an expecting mom?

[lisac77]

I have a friend at work who's expecting her first baby in May. I really want to offer her some breastfeeding/pumping advice, and acquaint her with the breastfeeding clauses in our insurance plans (free pump and LC!).

I want to be as supportive and non-threatening as possible. We talked about it a couple of years ago when I was nursing and pumping for my son. She was surprised when I told her he'd never had formula (But you work! And don't all babies have to have formula?). I already feel that I've set a good example, but I don't want this to be the one thing our friendship hinges upon.

I tried to help another mom at work about 1.5 years ago, but she "had to stop breastfeeding because she didn't have any milk" according to her doctor. I really put my foot in my mouth on that one, I said, "But doctors don't know anything about breastfeeding!" and she got really upset. Ouch. After that she kind of avoided me, although I never thought it was her fault at all, just our culture in general.

Anyway, what have moms here done to successfully support BF in a new, working mom? I'd love some direction here.

[dani76]

I need to learn this too. I tried to talk to 2 of my friends and dh says I come off as "militant". It's hard not to act passionate about something you are passionate about. Good luck!

[turtlemama77]

I've had a couple of acquaintances who were pregnant. While gushing and asking how they were doing, I also mentioned that if they had any questions about childbirth or breastfeeding, I'd be happy to try to answer them. I struggle with not wanting to come across as too pushy, so I'm interested too in how others advocate for breastfeeding. I'm considering sending one of my friends an early baby gift, maybe a book, but I haven't decided yet.

I have seen ideas for breastfeeding gift packs on MDC, and I really like those.

[afishwithabike]

I usually just ask how they plan to feed their little one. I can really show where a person stands on the issue. It is so sad that it is even an "issue". I always offer my breast pump for moms to use. My DH's cousin is using it now and I am the one watching her little one. I love knowing that there is breastmilk in that bottle.
You could always play dumb and pull the "Did you know our insurance offers....." Anyhow, good luck. I know some are more open than others.

[Ellien C]

We have a secretary with older children (20s) expecting again.

I gave her my copy of" Nursing Mother, Working Mother" and "So that's what they're for" and let her know how easy and convenient I found pumping. I told her I would show her my Breast Pump. She said she already had one, but it's just a hand pump. I told her she'd really need an electric pump if she was going to nurse at work.

She read the books and said she didn't know any of that stuff - no wonder she had to stop at 1 month with both her sons. She VERY mainstream, so I want to approach delicately and let her know I'm here. I also think mothers who BF for any amount of time should be congratulated. Don't think of it as someone stopping and failing, think of it as someone succeeding for 1 month, 3 months, 5 months etc.

I approach these things very lightly and gently.

[turtlewomyn]

Well, I haven't helped anyone (YET) but I did have a male coworker who annoyed the crap out of me when I was pregnant. He pretty much lectured me about it, about how it only took three days to get the hang of (it took me 8 weeks) and how to talk to my anti-bf in-laws about it, etc. He also gave me advice (unsolicited) on what breastpump to buy. It was annoying and somewhat creepy. Not to mention unneeded because I had decided I was going to breastfeed no matter what (and I did, I went through 8 weeks of hell (tongue tie, mangled nipples, supply issues, etc) to get to having a nice bfing relationship). I have recently mentioned somethign about him "lecturing" me and he got all offended and said he was trying to be supportive.

Based on all that, I would just tell her that you are there if she has questions, you can recommend a good LLL meeting to go to or an LC to see, and that you have information about how your insurance can help her with it. Then let her take the lead and come to you.

[Yulia_R]

my issue goes further...to cloth diapering...

I have the same issue LOL. And, unfortunately, it doesn't stop on breastfeeding, going further to the cloth diapering. I'm trying to not get angry seeing a mom throwing away tons of soiled diapers into the garbage, saying to myself that she just never thought about the issue and the alternative. But I'm getting really angry and annoyed when a mom knows how bad it is for the environment and even for her own baby, but still chooses disposables due to less work. Everything inside me screams "Where do you think all this s***t goes to?!?!?!**********************"
Anyway, that's my issue . I could definitely use some good advice on this one

[Fiercemama]

I would just ask "are you thinking about breastfeeding".

I prefer to provide the mum with links or phone numbers for a few resources - LLL, Kellymom, local bfing clinic, etc - and perhaps recommend 2 or 3 good books. I don't want to bombard her with information - do you remember being pregnant and getting all that unsolicited advice?

Of course offer that she can come to me for information or support at ANY time. But by directing her to other resources, she's empowered to pursue things on her own if she wants, as she may be uncomfortable in coming to me if she is having problems.

I also pledge NOT to offer up any opinions on strollers, baby carriers, cribs, diapers, etc, unless solicited by the expectant mother!

[zinemama]

Most effective scenario I can think of:

You: (after some cursory pregnancy chat about how she's feeling) "If you're thinking about breastfeeding, I've got a great book that a friend gave to me - it's even funny, too - she asked me to pass it along to someone else when I was done with it. Would you like me to bring it in for you tomorrow?"

Co-worker: "Uh, sure!" (thinking, what can it hurt, I'll say yes and get her off my back).

Later: Co-worker reads "So That's What They're For" in the privacy of her own home. She's interested, but really didn't want what she perceived might be a lecture. And to her surprise, SuperBreastMama co-worker doesn't even ask how she liked the book, but lets her either approach her about it - or not.

[eclipse]

I have let people know that I had a lot of issues breastfeeding my first, and that I wished I'd had some one to ask for help. Then since, I've been through "it all," I let them know that I'm willing to help 24/7 if they need help breastfeeding. I say this assuming they intend to breastfeed, as though there isn't any other choice.

[Quagmire]

Originally Posted by dani76

I need to learn this too. I tried to talk to 2 of my friends and dh says I come off as "militant". It's hard not to act passionate about something you are passionate about. Good luck!

:

I really want to be a LLL leader, but for the above reason I'm afraid to try. I don't want to drive people off with my exuberance

[Quagmire]

Mmm, and actually the OP is still a good question. It's hard to know how to approach someone when you don't know what kind of person they are. I did all my reading on my own and came to the conclusion the bfing was the only way to go. Some people like personal stories, some like factual evidence. There are other "learning styles" I guess the only overall advice is to be gentle and positive.

And Turtlewomyn... ewww, creepy... not to be discriminatory because I think it's important that men understand the importance of breastfeeding, but it's the kind of thing best discussed among those with experience. I wouldn't go and lecture my male coworkers about the need to get an annual colonoscopy either, you know?

[red17]

First, I think you did show her that Yes! It is possible (for many women) to Exlcusively BF and if it is possible that it is THE best for the baby. Other than surprise, do you recall how your friend reacted? Was she receptive to the idea of BFing? If so, I think letting her know about the insurance info and that you're there for her if she has any questions (plus offering the books) is fine. But, I'd also be prepared to have her decline your help or put it off until she has her head wrapped around the issue.
She knows you BF and were successful at it. You may be surprised and find she is really interested in your experience and how you were able to work and BF. If her mom didn't BF her, she may not understand why it's so important nor how much easier it can be, esp at night!!
Good Luck!

[karma_momma]

Here's a spin, my friend has had two children, 9 and 1.5 and is pregnant with her third. Before she was pregnant and I was at her house feeding DS, we chatted a little about BF and she said that she wish she could have but she didn't really think of it as a choice. Well, I made her a little gift bag to celebrate her new pregnancy. I included red raspberry leaf tea, yummy bath gel and lotion, a gift pack from Motherhood, and the pregnancy issue from Mothering. Here are my questions: 1) she is very mainstream, do you think Mothering magazine is too crunchy to start with and 2) should I just give her the bag and wait for her to bring up BF? I agree with a PP, its so hard to not get passionate about this!

ETA: I also wanted to include the 101 reasons to BF from promom.com. Do you think thats too pushy with the magazine?

[MarcyC]

Originally Posted by eclipse

I have let people know that I had a lot of issues breastfeeding my first, and that I wished I'd had some one to ask for help. Then since, I've been through "it all," I let them know that I'm willing to help 24/7 if they need help breastfeeding. I say this assuming they intend to breastfeed, as though there isn't any other choice.

:

[zinemama]

Karma momma, you sound like a great friend, but I think your instinct that Mothering Mag may be too crunchy for your pal are right on target. You don't want to turn her off. (Heck, I'm pretty crunchy myself, and I find myself turned off by Mothering's "my way or the highway" vibe). I would definitely NOT give that to someone as "mainstream" as your friend.

Instead, I very highly recommend that you put a copy of Janet Tomaso's book, "So That's What They're For" in your gift bag. If you haven't seen it, it's a wonderful book, full of information but very readable and funny, directed to the woman who really hasn't given bfing much thought. Be sure you get the revised, updated 3rd edition though - it's much better than the original. This is the kind of book that makes mainstreamers think, 'Huh, someone like ME breastfeeds. I guess I can, too."

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Instead, I very highly recommend that you put a copy of Janet Tomaso's book, "So That's What They're For" in your gift bag. If you haven't seen it, it's a wonderful book, full of information but very readable and funny, directed to the woman who really hasn't given bfing much thought. Be sure you get the revised, updated 3rd edition though - it's much better than the original. This is the kind of book that makes mainstreamers think, 'Huh, someone like ME breastfeeds. I guess I can, too."

This went over really well with my older co-worker who has kids in their 20s and is expecting again. We've yet to see what comes of it, but she did say "I was reading that book and I didn't know all that stuff. No wonder I had to stop then they were both a month old."

[lisac77]

Whew! Thanks for all the great ideas. I decided to give her a sling as her shower present, but I may arrange to get her a second hand copy of So That's What They're For!

As to how she reacted when I was pumping - it's hard to say. She was single with no kids at that point. Even though I was a lactivist before I ever had kids, I never thought to push people on it until after I had my son. My mother BFed all of my siblings until they were 3, so I grew up in a lactivist household.

I think the main problem is that people think they want to breastfeed, but they go in with absolutely no information on it. Then the hospital gets their hands on them and derail the relationship from the get go (pacifiers, bottles, taking the baby away to "let the mother rest", etc.), it can set up so many problems. I don't want to scare her, but I think that a new mom that really wants to breastfeed has to be prepared to defend her choice. It's not as simple as saying "I want to breastfeed." If you luck out and get a hospital with great rooming in policies, real LCs, and minimal mother/baby separation then you're in a much better position than in a hospital that doesn't value those things. I thought (incorrectly) that all hospitals actively promoted BFing, and I was fairly well educated on the subject.

Another issue is how subseptible you are to suggestion right after you had the baby. I went in the hospital with one notion, and walked out with a written schedule that I thought I really had to follow. Luckily my mother came over and set me straight, but the things that the nurses and doctors tell you can really stick with you.

Argh, this has gotten long. I will continue thinking about it.

[Queen of Cups]

My standard gift to pregnant friends/relatives is a breastfeeding book and a sling. If they live near me I also start inviting them to LLL a few months before they're due - especially if its the first pregnancy. I don't ask how they're going to feed, I just assume it will be breastfeeding. No one has been offended yet!

[Kira's mom]

When a friend/acquaintance/neighbor mentions that they'd like to nurse i always offer to help. Call me anytime-day or night with any question, and i'll try to help I also write down a few phone numbers.One of an amazing LC that saved me, and also a store in the area that has in staff experts/support groups etc. i usually do wait for them to show interest.I always tell mothers to be about this website all the time even if i don't know them...Sometimes i say that i hope they will nurse.The girl across the street hasn't really spoken to me since i asked her if she was nursing.She curtly replied no she wasn't due to being on medication for severe asthma,and had never intended to...sorry!