11yo dd and "the talk"

[DBZ]

I'm just wondering how much information an 11 yo should have about sex and all that. She just started menstration (poor kid) and a friend of mine suggested I tell her how not to get pregnant. She does like boys but she isn't really interacting with them. She looks 15 which worries me, but she has learning disabilites and is pretty immature. She's a good kid and we have a good relationship. I feel so unprepared with this subject. My mom didn't prepare me for anything, so I don't have that to go by.

TIA
Kara

[operamommy]

I used to teach a sex-ed class for pre-teens and teen girls.

What does she know already? Is she familiar with her body and menstruation? I know you've said she's started, but does she really *know* about it? Does she know the basics of sex, or do you need to start at the very beginning?

[DBZ]

basically she knows the basic biology. She knows that women get their period every month except when they are pregnant. I didn't tell her that it's the lining of her uterus slothing off or anything that detailed. She knows that some women use tampons and she expected that she would. I don't think she is ready for those though.

She knows that it takes a man and a woman to make a baby with an egg and sperm. She knows that male parts need to "touch" female parts so the sperm and egg can meet.

[Amy in NH]

Boy, I'd sure have some more conversations with her. My boys learned about the biological mechanics at age 8. Since then we have had extensive conversations (more so with the oldest) about:
birth control
self-control
putting oneself in situations where self-control is not likely to be needed
safe sex
abstinence
respect
homosexuality
emotional maturity
life goals

In the neighborhood where I grew up, most of the girls became sexually active between age 11-13. I have a 3 boys (they started a little later), and we homeschool, so I doubt it will happen that early for my them, but I want to make sure they have all the facts so they can make responsible choices. I have heard horror stories about what the public school kids are doing (bracelets?), and 2 of my sons are basically unsupervised during visitation at their father's house (who would probably encourage such behavior anyway).

[EFmom]

I think that by your dd's age, she needs to have a great deal more information than you have given her. Also, I don't approach it as "the talk," but rather an ongoing conversation. I have an 8 yo and I've covered most of the topics listed by Amy above, and I'm sure we'll discuss them more.

One of the ways I found to get comfortable talking about sex is to buy a book that we can read together. I love "It's so Amazing" and "It's Perfectly Normal," which comes in different editions for boys and girls. I was pretty aprehensive at first, but reading "It's so Amazing" with my dd has been a real bonding experience. I want so much to have a relationship with her where she feels comfortable asking me about sex and relationships, as I had nothing like that with my mother.

[UnschoolnMa]

My 11 year olds knew pretty much what I knew about sex (well, all that you can know without having actually had it I guess. ) They know about the lining of the uterus being menstrual flow, ovulation, ovaries, orgasms, erections, condoms and other various forms of BC, etc.


EFmom recommended some good books that I totally ditto. I believe that giving kids really good, honest information about sex is so important.

[bricorssk]

First off let me say I know how you feel, I have a 11 yo DD who I am just waiting for her period to start! I had the talk with my DD when she was 9 mostly about the basics. But I use every opportunity I can find to bring things up and to see if she has any new questions. I do this when it is just her and I so she is not embarassed. Good Luck!!!
Corina
SAHM to 4

[DBZ]

OMG I am behind?!?! Egads. It was back at 8 that we discussed the very basics and since then it's been an ongoing conversation when she brings it up. My pregnancy gave a good amount of education too, but we still have a lot of catch up to do. I'll look into getting those books as well. I really want my girls to feel like they can talk to me about anything. I'm comforted that she told me when AF came. My sister and I both hid it from our mom.

Thank you so much!
Kara

[MillingNome]

I don't ever remember have "the" talk with dd. It was all done in bits and pieces as she asked questions. I answered whatever she asked but no more. You'd be surprised by how far she pushed it! About three years ago there was a watershed moment brought about by a bus ad that said: 90% of women have lip pretection. Only 10% have HIV protection." The conversation made me squirm a little bit - not that I would let her know it was. She still can't quite believe how a baby fits through that tiny hole thought

[Alkenny]

I have a 12 year old and she knows pretty much everything that I know as a 32 year old woman (except the actual experience!). DS is 10 and knows also. It was done in bits and pieces as questions were asked here, until I got pregnant with the baby (they were 10 and 8 at the time) and we bought some extra books so they could look things up on their own also.

I agree, by 11 alot of girls are already sexually active or sexually curious, so it's best to get with it. Good luck!

[Itlbokay]

In addition to good dialogue between parent and child, I really like the "What's Happening to My Body" books, there's one for girls and one for boys.

[Kirsten]

My 9.5 year old dd1 loves the book "The Care and Keeping of You" - great book! Covers a little bit of everything for the pre-teen, and a really easy, fun read.