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Funny - long, but funny

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 
I got a copy of Babytalk magazine the other day, and this article is just hilarious! I couldn't find it online so I'll have to type it out, but it's so funny:

Surviving your third trimester

How to sit down in a restaurant
1. Request a table
2. Recieve a booth
3. Try to slide your enormous bulk into booth.
4. Note with alarm it's the sort of booth where table is bolted down
5. Lift belly as high as it will go
6. Inch your way into booth
7. Release belly, which lands on table with a plop.
8. Rummage beneath belly for silverware and napkin
9. Place silverware and napkin on belly, and ask waiter to just put your food there too.

How to put on a seat belt
1. Reach blindly beneath your guy, hoping to locate both ends of seat belt.
2. Find one end.
3. Use elbow to push poor, unsuspecting fetus to one side while you find the other end.
4. Exhale fully and attempt to close belt.
5. No dice.
6. Let out belt until long enough to fit an elephant seal.
7. Close and tighten belt.
8. To avoid repeating, spend day in car.

How to avoid unhealthy snacks
1.Retrieve chocolate cake from fridge
2. Close fridge door while reaching behind you to put cake on kitchen counter.
3. Lose balance and flail about like cartoon penguin
4. Drop cake
5. Scrape cake from floor, intending to eat it anyway.
6. Notice frosting is now embroidered with dust bunnies
7. Sigh and throw cake away

How to use a public bathroom
1. Attempt to cram self into stall
2. repeatedly get stuck between door and toilet
3. Exit stall
4. See that handicapped stall is free
5. Glance around furtively
6. Conclude that being in third trimester counts as handicap
7. Dash into hadicapped stall
8. Do your business
9. Discover toilet paper dispenser is empty
10 Shout for help
11. Blush as person in wheelchair hands you TP under door.

How to tie your shoes
1. Sit on a firm, comfortable surface, right shoe in hand
2. Raise right foot and place on left thigh
3. Realize this is impossible
4. Attempt with left shoe and left foot (also impossible)
5. Decide to do this standing up
6. Bend toward floor
7. Observe you have no idea where your feet are
8. Wonder if a hand mirror might help
9. It doesn't
10. Phone neighbor to come over and tie your shoes (or in my case, call oldest dd to come tie shoes )
post #2 of 10
too funny!
post #3 of 10
post #4 of 10
Um ya..
And then there is me trying to climb into my suburban. Thank goodness I have the side steps and those handy dandy handles, otherwise I dont think I'd make it.
And trying to get out of bed(without peeing myself). ugghhh
post #5 of 10
OMG! Too funny! I read it to dh, but, sadly, he just didn't get it. How could he?
post #6 of 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boobiemama
Um ya..
And then there is me trying to climb into my suburban. Thank goodness I have the side steps and those handy dandy handles, otherwise I dont think I'd make it.
And trying to get out of bed(without peeing myself). ugghhh

I'd rather climb in and out of vans & suvs now than lower cars. Hoisting this belly (& rump) up, over and out is just about impossible. I -hate- Dh's Neon right now!! :
post #7 of 10
Too funny! Tying DD shoes for her, then attempting to get my own tied is quite an excersise!
post #8 of 10
Those are too funny!!! Those are all of my complaints. I had to buy the slip on sneakers because I refuse to bend over to put my shoes on.... then tie them.

I also hate when the seatbelt gets caught in the door making it 2 feet shorter... then it doesnt fit around me... and i always get pissed and start yelling "WHAT DID I GROW AGAIN????" hahaha! Good thing my friends have been the pregnant one before so they can laugh at me.
post #9 of 10
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boobiemama
Um ya..
And then there is me trying to climb into my suburban. Thank goodness I have the side steps and those handy dandy handles, otherwise I dont think I'd make it.
And trying to get out of bed(without peeing myself). ugghhh
I don't even have the running boards on my Yukon, and there are no handles on the drivers side so getting into it is one heck of a chore. Of course dh is ever so helpful and stands on the other side of the truck laughing at me : That's ok, my hormones will get even with him
post #10 of 10
Hi Ladies! I'm lurking around the due date clubs reminiscing about pregnancy. It's good birth control for those of us who have already had our babies just a few short 3 months ago. These almost made me choke on my baguette I'm having for dinner! I soooooo remember these days, and I'm experiencing sympathy labor pains for you. Soon you're aches and pains will be replaced by baby smiles and blissful wet diapers. Enjoy your sleep now! Yawn....
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