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weekends.

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 
how do i explain to dp that i kind of hate weekends?

i understand that he works and deals with traffic. i don't begrudge him time to relax.

weekends just aren't relaxing for me. i still have to get up 2-5 times a night with dd. (she woke up at 4am and decided it was morning today. which is what drove me to actually posting this.) i still have to change diapers and deal with naps. he does half the weekend cooking, which i have a feeling he thinks is a great load off, but i don't mind cooking. plus i still do the clean up which is worse when dp cooks because he doesn't clean as he goes so really that wipes out any benefit of not cooking. he helps with dd, but still comes to me if she cries because he thinks that bf-ing solves everything. sometimes it's just not what she wants.

the worsest thing is i'm not sure that he's doing anything wrong wanting to relax. i just want to relax too and it seems that everytime i've tried to bring this up he just tells me how hard his life is, like it's some sort of compition which it isn't and i'm not trying to make it one. i'm not even sure that anything can be done to change the situation. i really just want to be able to tell him without having to hear about traffic on the 520.

what can i do?

tia, kate
post #2 of 29
I completely understand what you mean.

I hate to make DH cook/do laundry/change diapers/etc., etc., etc., on the weekend (or in our case, whenever his day off is), because it's the only time he gets to relax. But then I find myself becoming resentful, because when are my days off???

Luckily he understands and is very helpful. We kind of take turns doing things when he's home, depending on who "needs it more." I'm doing a little more resting than him lately, which makes me feel a little guilty, but I'm also six months pg. We were on "vacation" last week (mostly at my dad's and our own house), and DH did almost everything with DD. I really needed a break, and it was wonderful. But I usually would feel bad about him doing all the work, since it's supposed to be his vacation too, KWIM?

I don't know what to tell you, this is hard for us too!
post #3 of 29
In the evenings and weekends dh has full responsibility for ds and i run away! I did feel a bit guilty about landing him with ds but dh says that he really loves the time he gets to spend with him. On a weekend i study and dh looks after ds and does a little housework - dishes and dinner and maybe some washing. When ds has gone to bed we relax a little together.
I really don't expect him to do any housework - like he doesn't expect me to do any when i look after ds during the week.
Now when we are on holiday or round a friends house its a completely different matter we both spend the time trying to relax or talk to friends and neither of us wants to be the parent in charge!
And on the weekends dh takes ds when he wakes up to let me have a lie in!!
So i don't think your asking to much needing some time to yourself and to relax. Do you have any family that live near who could come and look after your dd while you both chill out for a bit?
post #4 of 29
I'm sorry, but your going to have to break it to your dh that after having kids, no one gets a day off until they are all away at college I think it is completely fair to let your dh know that you need him to participate differently. I would not use the word "more", because it sounds like he's trying some, but putting his energy in the wrong places.

It is a long slow process to train a husband, but well worth it. Try to think of things he can do- like ask him to mate socks while he watches "the game", or tell him you prefer to cook yourself, but it would be such a Huge Help if he would clean up the dishes afterwards- and give lots of praise when he's done. I don't care how difficult someone's job is, if you have kids, you can't come home and be completely off duty. And don't discredit what you are doing- being a mom is a much harder job than you think- you would never take a job that involved 24hr/7days a week work, with random needs during the night, lack of sleep, lack of personal space, constant changing demands, use your body to create food for anothe person and the come home and do ALL the house work???? NO. So don't feel guilty asking for help.

Peace,
Laura
post #5 of 29
Thread Starter 
the thing is, i don't think it's wrong for dp to get a day off. i just want one too!

he likes to cook and is a better one than me. i would never tell him not to. cleaning/housework is just not on his radar. i always end up clenaing up after he's cleaned up. and i'm faster. i also don't let things like laundry or general house keeping need doing on the weekend. i have no problem getting that done during the week.

i wish i had something i needed to do so dp would have to take charge, but i don't and so it slides back to me. dp zones out again, and i'm back dealing with dd because i hate having to ask him to do everything...

thanks for your experiences. at least i'm not alone, right?
post #6 of 29
katebleu, I could have written your posts - right down to the "traffic on 520" bit! And the backsliding is a big thing here too. He says he'll take care of DD, but whose lap does she end up on? Who does she come to for books or snacks or diaper changes? That'd be me. And when I suggest that he take on something, it's "well, she doesn't want me, she wants you - what am I supposed to do?!?" Right this very minute, at my urging, he's changing a diaper, but when she went and hid he started asking me for help to get her. I said "what do you think I do when you're not home?" He said he doesn't know, and I told him to figure it out. Sheesh!

Sometimes DH asks me on Sunday night if I had a good weekend. I have, on occasion, looked at him and asked "what weekend? Saturday and Sunday are days just like all my other days, but with one more person home to make a mess and hog the remote."

Occasionally I just flee the house. Errands, library, church, whatever - I grab my purse and my keys, kiss them both, and out the door I go. I suggest that option whenever possible.
post #7 of 29
It took a lot of talking to convince my dh that my job was as hard as his and that I needed some alone time, too. I would just keep talking to your dh. He needs to see that your needs are as valuable as his. Could you plan some time away from home for you to do something, like shopping or coffee with a friend or a class? It took my dh some time alone with our dd to realize how hard it is to take care of her. It also took some talk about marriage counseling and reading about communication between partners to get him to understand that my needs are valuable and to get me to explain my needs accurately. I was not threatening him or anything like that just telling him that I was super stressed and tired and that I was feeling like he did not value me at all. I kept bringing up marriage counseling because, as I told him, it seemed like our marriage was suffering and needed help. In the end, we never did go to marriage counseling because he started seeing the situation for what it was and became much more respectful. Now, we try to have alone time each on the weekends as well as family time.

I know another mama who went to counseling herself because she was so stressed out and tired and her counselor convinced her and the hubby that she needed a vacation by herself. She spent a weekend at an inexpensive spa and that was all it took to get her dh to understand that they needed to share relaxation time as well as childcare duties. That is kind of an expensive way to make the point but it worked because she got to tell her dh "the doctor says I need to do this."
post #8 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Madonna
Sometimes DH asks me on Sunday night if I had a good weekend. I have, on occasion, looked at him and asked "what weekend? Saturday and Sunday are days just like all my other days, but with one more person home to make a mess and hog the remote."
i love that!


we did talk this morning. i told him that sometimes i just need to vent and feel like someone else is worrying about me being happy the same way i worry about everybody else. that's what i think a family is. and i got to walk to the grocery store by myself, which is actually something i very much enjoyed.

i like tha tact of just keep reminding him. and i think i will look into saturday yoga.
post #9 of 29
As soon as I saw the title of this thread I said to myself...weekend? What the H*** is that?

I feel you mama. Actually dh and I just got in a tiff about that. He has sat on the couch watching football all day today (which I am envious of because I love me some football!) and I have done 7 loads of laundry, cleaned the cat's litter box, fed everyone and cleaned up twice now, washed the floors etc etc etc.

I get soooo sick of it!
post #10 of 29
Thread Starter 
actually wannabeamamma, this isn't the best weekend for me to be complaining as dp and i spent most of yesterday at the seattle seahawks play off game and i am currently paying more attention to the chicago/carolina game tha dp who fixing dinner. but i'm very tired and dd is extra clingy for my break yesterday.

i do get most of the housework done during the week. dp is no help in this venue. i knew that going in and if i have too much to do on the weekend i go from subtly resentful to openly hostile. but i will be the one who cleans the kitchen when dp's done cooking and was the one who took out the recycling.


it's nice to know i'm not alone in this.
post #11 of 29
...my dh does his own thing on the weekends, and ds and I do ours. I would love to spend our weekends together and doing something, but it just doesn't work that way. He relaxes-naps, watches sports non-stop, sometimes he goes to his friends house for a bit, etc. Unfortunately he doesn't share any chores with me either(cooking, cleaning, or really even watching ds). I feel like I truely never have a "day off," or a moment to myself...and we argue about it from time to time, or I tell him what I want & how I feel, but nothing ever changes. There is always a part of me that feels since I am able to stay at home with ds, that I can't say too much.....
Anyway, it sounds like you're making a little preogress already or at least for this weekend. Good luck to you!
post #12 of 29
Having him home means that I can't get anything around the house done because all he wants to do is watch movies all weekend, so nothing gets done and the house is trashed by monday I don't get any shopping done and end up going out after 11pm on sunday nights because he wants me to watch these movies with him. I like it when he's working on our house (we own a home out of the city that we aren't living in yet) on the weekends because then I have the car as he rode over with my FIL and I can run around town and go to thrift stores and garage sales.
post #13 of 29
Two words: GO OUT. Leave dh with baby, maybe prepare some snacks in advance, give him some idea of fun stuff he can do with her, and leave the house for 3 or so hours. Have a little weekend for yourself.
post #14 of 29
You know, when I was married, my h and I used to split the weekend so we'd both get a break. He would get Saturday morning to do as he pleased. Sleep in, go to home depot, work on projects, whatever.

I would get Sunday morning. I would go out for coffee, shop, meet up for brunch with a girlfriend, walk, whatever.

That way we both got a bit of a break, just some total down time for ourselves and it really helped us both feel better about weekends.
post #15 of 29
Have you tried making a list of 4 or 5 things (or 10) that you really want/need from him on the weekends, and asking nicely if he could take care of those things, please? I find that my DH needs very very specific things communicated, and that he is less likely to resent the demands if they are not associated with complaints or explanations on my part. Your list might include some of the following:

1) That he get up with the baby either Saturday or Sunday and allow you to sleep late. (Give a specific time if necessary.)
2) That he take the baby out somewhere for two hours every weekend.
3) That he wash ALL dishes on the weekends.
4) That he vacuum through the house once on weekends.
5) That he give all you time for a hobby or social date on weekends.
6) That you choose a video to watch together each weekend.
post #16 of 29
I am with you. This weekend my dh went to work on the computer after sleeping in on sunday and he dithered there for about 3 hours when I finally blew my stack and DEMANDED he get on with the day (we were supposed to be taking the kids out) then he huffs about how he can "never get anything done" welcome to my world buddy! Meanwhile I spent three hours doing it all!

So I left for ten- I kid you not- ten minutes to lay down in the bedroom since I am feeling sick and after those magic ten minutes dh was coming in to ask in his "nice voice" when I thought I might be getting up. I noted for him how it had only been TEN MINUTES and he had THREE HOURS! Then I just dropped it.

Well the holidays were nice but we are back to life as usual I see.
post #17 of 29
My husband is great, life is great, but I agree completely with you all, weekends aren't all they're cracked up to be. Here's what I don't get about my hubby:

1: How guys can watch so much freakin' tv!!!! I mean don't they already have every single movie memorized to the point of being able to insert lines from said movie into everyday conversation with amazing accuracy and speed (only to be offended when wife does not have clue as to what movie the line came from, even though she's seen* the movie 35 times.) What is the point??? *"Seen the movie" refers to the 2 hours during which the movie was on and wife was folding the laundry, doing the dishes, changing diapers, cleaning up after the toddler, cleaning up after the husband, and making dinner.

2: How come my 28 year old husband is BY FAR messier than my 2 1/2 year old? What's with the inability to take dishes to the kitchen? And every time I say, "Wow, this place is a mess!" he says, "Yup, that's what toddlers do, they are like little tornadoes." The sad thing is I often think he wouldn't really even care if I never cleaned up! He doesn't seem to mind the mess at all. But I mind, it's like a vicious cycle!

I love him DEARLY, don't get me wrong, but sometimes he is just a very perplexing creature. But he is great with taking care of our son by himself, they just play soccer for hours and hours and hours...
post #18 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleAnn
...my dh does his own thing on the weekends, and ds and I do ours. I would love to spend our weekends together and doing something, but it just doesn't work that way. He relaxes-naps, watches sports non-stop, sometimes he goes to his friends house for a bit, etc. Unfortunately he doesn't share any chores with me either(cooking, cleaning, or really even watching ds). I feel like I truely never have a "day off," or a moment to myself...and we argue about it from time to time, or I tell him what I want & how I feel, but nothing ever changes. There is always a part of me that feels since I am able to stay at home with ds, that I can't say too much.....
Anyway, it sounds like you're making a little preogress already or at least for this weekend. Good luck to you!
Okay, cleaning is one thing, but he does not care for his OWN CHILD? (I hate to use "watching"~it sound like he is merely babysitting)

Put your foot down, now. Pick a time on the weekend that is for you and go. Like Saturday mornings. Get up, dress and tell DH you are leaving for a few hours and go. If he whines, tell him to grow up.

I get so tired of this. Just because one has a penis, and just because he might make the money, does not mean the wife at home is the slave, or a subhuman. We need breaks too.

I am so glad I am teaching my sons correctly. Some mothers obviously failed in this area if this is the attitude you get these days. My goal is that my future DILs love me. LOL.
post #19 of 29
I could have written these posts! Saturday we were going out of town for the day after I returned home from babysitting for a friend (it was an emergency for her). Before I left to go babysit, DH said he'd have the house cleaned, kids bathed and dressed, fed lunch, and the car ready to go by the time I got home. I guess I should've known better, but it was just wishful thinking on my part. I got home, he had bathed the kids, but I cleaned the house, fed the kids, dressed the kids and packed the car while he took a shower. He had 4 hours to do this, I did it in 30 minutes. Geesh!!! And he couldn't understand why I was upset, he tried after all! I told him to underpromise, so it always seems like you're overdelivering and then you'll get a lot further than overpromising and underdelivering. I wouldn't have been upset if he hadn't told me he was going to do all that stuff...
post #20 of 29
When's YOUR weekend?????
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