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weekends. - Page 2

post #21 of 29
I definitely know what you mean. I feel so incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to be home with my DD, but it is hard - everyday is the same as the last! I don't really ask my husband to do much either, but he is pretty good at recognizing when I've had about had enough and will offer to help. My suggestion: plan something - anything (a massage, a movie, shopping with a friend) and tell DH that you will be away for 2-3 hours on Saturday. Do it once a month - at least! Acknowledge all that he does for the family, but remind him that he has time to himself and time away from the house and kids everyday. All you need is a few hours to recharge. As far as the housework goes, tell him you want to have more time alone with him in the evenings and that if he helps out it can done in half the time. Anytime I position something to remind DH that he is special and needed I am usually successful. And remember - you can't be a good mother and wife if you are running on empty all the time.
post #22 of 29
We go out alot on the weekends and spend time as a family. I was getting frustrated, as well, with my husband getting online for hours and "checking things" or working. We finally sat down and we agreed that if he needed time online to work (he can work from home) or just wanted some time to do something, he needed to communicate that with me so I wasn't expecting to see him or have him help and would leave him alone. So now he will say "Hey, I need to work for an hour this morning" and I am fine with that, he disppears and I know what to tell the kids when they want to see daddy.

Besides cleaning the kitchen and keeping toys tidy, we rarely do housework on the weekend. Unless we are out of underwear, we hardly ever do laundry and you would never find me scrubbing a floor on the weekend! We go get some coffee and hit the playground, or we run errands together with the kids or make a trip to a kids museum, festival, whatever. My husband hates sitting around at home, he gets restless, so we leave alot on the weekend.

If it gets messy, he is good about chipping in to clean up. And, as long as he is getting his break, too, he is all over me taking a break (and sometimes will kick me out of the house if I am too bitchy or stressing and not taking the break myself ) We also have a "no TV while the kids are awake" policy which is only broken for the occasional football game and for only as long as they want to watch it, once they get restless, he turns it off and we know they want some time.

Weekends are certainly not a day off, or like they were prekids. No one here sleeps in unless they are sick (I am unwilling to allow him to sleep in, so he is unwilling to allow me to and this seems to work for us. ). But what we do works for us and makes it a fun time. I enjoy his days off from work and I take a bit of a day off, too, by skipping most of the housework that can be skipped and just relaxing more with the kids. Us parents usually rent a movie in th evening as well and stay up a little later and veg. We also found a couple reliable, reasonably priced babysitters and go out a couple times a month. We sometimes need to reconnect in order to live in harmony on the weekends without clashing and arguing. A night out can be a wonderful thing. My baby isn't too keen on being left with a 'sitter, so we wait until after they are in bed to go out.
post #23 of 29
Once I figured out that being a SAHM meant every day melted into the next with no "time off" to look forward to, I began to get resentful towards DH when he complain about how he just "wants to relax", or how when I'd ask him to watch DS and he was say "but, I was just about to do X" and I would say "yeah, well, I'm always just about to do something that never happens, so what's your point? I can't even pee by myself!" Like, I'm always supposed to be in charge of DS and he could just pick and choose when it was convenient for him to watch him, when he had taken his shower, eaten, gotten dressed, etc. How the heck did he think I got all that stuff done WHILE watching him? I really think you just have to spell it out for the men, how it really is, as they don't know if they aren't living it.

Let me say, it took constant pointing this stuff out, but he finally *got* it, and now he makes a point of watching DS when he gets home from work, if he's still awake, so I can eat before putting him to bed, or at least get dinner made. And, on weekends now he pretty much is on-duty over half the time, excluding nursing, of course. I also get 2.5 hours to myself each Sunday to go to yoga or visit with a friend or whatever. That is priceless!! A must! I feel like a new person afterwards, and miss DS and can't wait to see him again!

The TV thing would drive me up the wall. Luckily, I put my foot down on TV period when DS was born. I said I don't want him watching TV at ALL for several years, and so we only turn it on after he goes to bed at night. DH can spend all his free time on his computer if he wants, but only watches TV if DS is napping, or I take him out of the house, etc. You could try telling him that it causes ADHD in children, and you don't want it on in the house. It also inhibits language development, just by having it on in the background. Maybe that would work?

Anyway, the men can come around, but only if you make a stink about it and let them know how important it is to you, and therefore should be to them. Also, it will make their lives much better and the lives of their children, if mommy is a happy camper! They are fortunate that mommy wants to SAHM with thier child(ren) instead of leaving them with strangers, so they should be appreciative to you just as much as the other way around! I mean, I fantasize sometimes how much easier my life was when I WOH! I just know I could never leave my DS, but man would it be a break to go to work! Don't let the men get away with their sob stories about work. They get plenty of down time, even if it's just commuting and lunch hours! ha ha! Ohhhh...to eat lunch in peace, or with other adults, having full conversations! Imagine that!
post #24 of 29
I'm right there with you - I used to dread weekends, monday morning was my sigh of relief. I think that the guys forget that home is not only your home, but your workspace, and when another person is there throwing of the vibe it can be very unsettling. A few ideas that have helped us (me):

- as a pp said, go out, by yourself. Even if it's to the grocery store or some other errand, even if for just an hour. Tell your dh ahead of time you need to run some errands and it would be so much quicker on your own.

- schedule time to be 'in charge'. We occasionally split a weekend day 9-12 and 1-4, each of us takes a shift to handle the meals, clean-up, kids, etc., while the other is free to do whatever in the house or out.

- write it down. My dh functions so much better if we have a list of things to do and a schedule. If I write down a 'honey do' list, he'll do it, and I won't feel like a nag or restenful that he doesn't automatically know what to do. For us, it had to be basic too, like "put pj's on kids before bed" or I'd come home at night to kids sleeping in their clothes.

It's taken a while (like 5 years) for him to realize that getting 5 uninterrupted minutes in the bathroom is a treat, but now he's great at being involved in the routine on the weekends, and understanding that when I get a break everyone feels better.
post #25 of 29
I haven't read all the other posts, so I'm sorry if this was mentioned before, but I say you each get a day off. On your day off, you feed her then pass her off to dh to burp and play with her and do something for yourself. This what dh and I do. On my day off, I run errands, and clean up the house. I don't mind doing chores on my day off because it means they're child-free and interruption free.

And for time for just the two of you..onr word - GRANDPARENTS! Even if it's just for a couple hours. You need time to yourselves to.
post #26 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by joy11
I really think you just have to spell it out for the men, how it really is, as they don't know if they aren't living it.
I was once in the thick of an argument with my husband about something he wasn't doing when I finally yelled "What do I have to do, hit you repeatedly over the head until you get it?" and he shrugged his shoulders and replied "I'm a big dumb guy, I can't read minds or understand how women think, you have to spell it out for me. Not drop hints, not bitch and complain, just tell me." It was a wake up call for me (and him once I started talking ) and has helped our communication alot. They really don't know.
post #27 of 29
I think it is crucially important for SAHMs to get weekly breaks at the very minimum! You should get some time when you aren't responsible for the life of another person besides you. You should know when this time is so you can know it is coming when you are stressed (only one more day til Wednesday!!!)

Things that I do that are SO wonderful for my sanity/happiness:

grocery shop alone, often at night after kids are in bed (and dh is home of course). I can read labels, check prices, even read through the cards to find the ones I need!

work out at the gym. Have just started this a month ago and it is amazing the difference in me! Physically and attitude-wise! I meet a small group of women friends there at 9 p.m. four nights a week. It is just more fun than you should be allowed to have while exercising!

listen to music that isn't Barney or Raffi. Now I like Raffi just as much as the next person (actually I like Red Grammer more but that is beside the point), but listening to Gavin DeGraw or U2 or Alicia Keys.... I can't really describe what it does for me emotionally.

spend some money and time on things that are JUST FOR ME, absolutely NO connection to my kids/parenting at all. So time at the PTA meeting, or scrapbooking pix of the kids doesn't count. Yes, that is time away - but still child focused.

What is for YOU??? Buy yourself a cute new pair of shoes. Take that art class you read about. Meet your sister for lunch. Call a friend who always makes you laugh. Go to the library (alone!) and look through the biographies or mysteries or something OTHER than parenting books and Dr. Suess. Join a book club or bunko group or recipe club - anything that gives you an excuse for a once a month outing just for you.

I am in the local MOMS Club and that has been great for me and my kids. It includes a once a month moms night out which varies from month to month. Sometimes a movie, sometimes game night, sometimes a dinner out at a restaurant, once it was rock climbing! MOMS (Moms Offering Moms Support) is a great SAHM club with yearly dues of only $25 - and it offers SOOO much in the way of playgroups, holiday parties, chances to volunteer civicly (that isn't spelled right, is it?) with your kids, plus the moms night out - it really is the greatest thing I've done to make friends and feel supported as a stay at home mom in my town.

It took me too long to figure out that I REQUIRE time when I am not on call, when I am not the one wiping noses or filling sippy cups. I am a happier person, and therefore a much better mom, when I am not emotionally drained, depleted, stressed.

Take some time (how much will vary with the age of your child, if you are nursing, etc) for yourself and don't feel a lick of guilt! If you can get your dh to understand you need it and he is home with your dc, great! If not, call in a gramma, auntie, trusted friend/neighbor to get your needed time. If you don't take the time you need, it will end up badly eventually. I completely agree with the "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"! Go find some fun stuff for you!!!
post #28 of 29
I *hate* weekends. It is really no different for me than any other day, except that there is really no structure. And I need structure. I just don't function without it. I always breathe a sigh of relief when Monday rolls around again.
post #29 of 29
I feel everyones pain. I really do. I am one of those 'make it happen' kinda of people. And I know that the pcoket book hit closer to home for DH than the begging, pleating, crying, yelling - you get the point. I got a sitter. Then he really watches the time she is here and what he could do to save a buck. I thought I found the hidden language that DH speaks.
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