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BWing nixed for wedding

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
Another thread almost got hikacked by me concerning BWing at a wedding.

I am matron of honor and DH is groomsman in an out of state wedding end of March. Initially, BWing was okay with bride but now it's not. It's not okay for march down the aisle, or during the ceremony, or in pictures.

Additionally, we do not know anyone in the audience (only know ppl in the wedding party) who could hold DD. And, the wedding is on the beach in early evening. I talked with bride about it but she thinks it's okay for DD to sit on lap of her aunt (the one who breastfed for years, she said). At least that part is thoughtful but I am not real comfortable with a stranger (to me and DD) just holding DD on her lap in an unfamiliar place with me having to stand in place.

Any suggestions?
post #2 of 27
One side of me thinks I would say sorry, package deal, take me and baby, I'll hold her how/when I want. I get really steamed about brides micromanaging the appearance of everything at their wedding - hate it when they don't allow kids at all. I recently skipped a family member's wedding b/c it was adults only.

OTOH, if this is a great friend who you want to accomodate, and/or you've already invested a lot in being in the wedding, I'd say try to negotiate and compromise. Having her aunt or someone else hold babe within sight doesn't sound too bad, even someone you've never met. I see in your sig that your dd will be 5-6 mos? At that age babies are usually getting really social, my six month old will smile and babble to anyone who looks her way. Maybe you can have aunt hold dd nearby for walking down the aisle and pictures, with the understanding that if she gets fussy you will tend to her right away.

Just out of curiosity, did the bride tell you why?
post #3 of 27


you can meet her aunt as well as other people the night of the dress rehearsal right? While I feel for you not wanting her to sit with a stranger - the wedding etc. is not going to last that long and I would not want the baby being worn during the ceremony or pictures too. Why not respect her wishes on her special day - it is such a short amount of time. You can have her aunt hold her near you during the pictures.
post #4 of 27
I guess you will have to decide how important it is to you. If it is deal-breaker, then you would have to bow out from being matron of honor. However, you may be able to convince her gently by asking what she changed her mind. Maybe she doesn't think that you will look fancy enough while wearing the baby (although it is a beach wedding, which I would think would be more casual). Anyway, tell her it's very important to you but it is also important to you for her to have input, so you'd be willing to have her help you pick out the sling/carrier. If she still says no, then that's when you have to decide if you will still be in the wedding. I am thinking since she initially agreed to it, that you may be able to figure out her fear of doing it and address it.

If she doesn't budge and you decide to be in the wedding still, I would just tell her that you want to meet the person who will be holding your baby as soon as possible (like the first day you both arrive) and spend time with her so that your baby will get used to her. And tell her that if your baby cries for you during the ceremony, you will have to go to him/her. Which could be an argument for babywearing, too: which is more disruptive, a baby crying for mama coming down the aisle or mama wearing a happy baby down the aisle?
post #5 of 27
You know I just did this for a wedding and I wouldn't recommend it. My dd is/was 2 at the time of the wedding so that's a little different. She screamed the whole time because she didn't know the person watching her so she had to be taken out and the person watching her missed the whole wedding. Next time I'm going to decline if dh and I are both invited to be in a wedding if I have a small child.
post #6 of 27
It doesn't sound that bad this "aunt" holding the baby, but like pp said what is the plan when (not if) your baby starts crying and your standing up there at the alter? I understand about no baby carrier (even a gorgeous one) in the photos. to me it would be likely too hard for both dh and I to be in a wedding party at the same time. One of us would probably have to bow out if baby was that young.
post #7 of 27
Will the baby sit with this aunt ok, do you think? I know my kids would have gone nuts in a situation like that. If I thought they would be ok with it and not cry, then I would be ok with it--that's usually my rule of thumb, KWIM? If not, I would say to the bride "That was really thoughtful of you to find someone to hold the baby that you knew I'd be uncomfortable with. But unfortunately, ____ (baby) cries whenever strangers come anywhere near her, and I don't want your aunt to miss the whole ceremony because of the baby being hysterical." Then maybe she can help you think of other options.

Any idea why they changed their minds about it? Maybe she would feel more at ease if you showed her that you could get a pretty silk sling that matches your dress or something.
post #8 of 27
Having worn babies to too many weddings to count b'H can say it works out just lovely if you can walk and move around when they need you to walk and move around, IYKWIM. If you've got to stand in place for any length of time, well, there's a problem. (I always go to the back of the room and pace when necessary ).

Your baby's going to be around 5mo at the time of the wedding, right? Old enough to know that it's not mama doing the holding ...

If the bride doesn't want the baby and/or sling in the pictures, well, that's her choice, I guess.

Of course, if you could get a sling/carrier that matched the dress she might change her tune ...
post #9 of 27
I'd let her hold the baby while walking down the isle but then sit down during the ceremony with your little one in the front row. That could be a long time to have your litte one seeing you and not to cry. Mine would have freaked out then and still now if in that posisiton.
post #10 of 27
Thread Starter 


Thanks for the advice and concern! DD is pretty easy-going so far; she likes people fine and lets friends hold her. If she's unhappy, she will let me know but she's a very conent baby. More than anything, I don't want to be away from her...she may be better at seperation than I will! I have put my career on hold to be with her and we are strong APers so it's just weird for me to think of a stranger holding DD and my hands being somewhat tied about attending to her needs. Also, I am just really picky about who touches and handles DD.

Bride said that she would understand if I need to step away from the ceremony for Ezra. But, I think I feel uncomfortable with all eyes on me walking away to tend a crying baby, KWIM? I like to PREVENT crying rather than respond later, if at all possible. Since it will be an unfamiliar place to both of us and after a 12 hour car drive, I am nervous. It feels like I will be on stage...performing and Ezra will have to be on HER best behaviour, too for things to go smoothly.

Mostly, it just makes me upset that my "best friend" isn't thinking about how I want to care for my babe (babywearing and breastfeeding). It seems that she didn't think it would be a big deal for both DH & I to be in the wedding or that a wedding dress/unfamiliar place/busy wedding stuff/12 hour drive to another state might hamper our BFing reltionship. Plus, she was fine when I said, "Well, if we are both in the wedding then one of us will have to carry Ezra. Ohhhhh, I will get a beautiful silk sling to match the dress." A week or two after Ez was born, bride had changed her mind about that. It's that kind of stuff that upsets me most, I guess. She got engaged when I was preggo so she knew that I would bring Ez with me to the wedding. Maybe she jsut doesn't really get that it's important for me to be available to the babe?
post #11 of 27

I would just bow out...

If it bothers you so much, don't be her matron of honor, attend the wedding as a guest. Not to sound cliche, but it is 'her' day, and you can say no. Weddings are a PITA, regardless of whether or not you have children. I do tend to think that having the aunt sit near you, and you just leaving the altar (or whatever) when DD needs you is a reasonable alternative to you carrying baby down the aisle. It's hardly like she's telling you your baby isn't welcome (as we were told when my DD was 3 months old -- now *that's* unreasonable!).

post #12 of 27
I'm sorry this is hard. With my dd, I would have probably said we are a package deal and if bride is still not ok with you holding baby, then I would just be a guest. My adult friendships are important, but I have made a bigger commitment to my dd and I know she would have never let any stranger hold her at all, I mean she only let grandparents etc hold her for a short time at that point. I hope it works out, she probably just doesn't get it, I don't think I would have understood until I had my own dd. Good Luck.
post #13 of 27
Yeah, people who don't have babies don't really think about that stuff. After all, TV babies are so easy for their parents, lol. I bet that in her mind, this is her day, and anyone who isn't putting her fisrt just doesn't want to, KWIM? That doesn't mean she's selfish, it's just the way we all kind of think when we're childless and clueless.
post #14 of 27
having just been in a wedding, I would definitely bow put. DD was 2.5 and it was a torture, for both of us. It ended up being a LONG time we were apart and usually DD is okay with some time away but it was way too hard. And with a 5month old, no way jose!
post #15 of 27
Since you're the matron of honor and your dh is just a groomsman, could he maybe back out the wedding and hld the baby while you remain as matron of honr? Could that be another option as well?
post #16 of 27
Really, you've hit the nail on the head. Your BF doesn't have a clue what your life is like. Just as most of us didn't before we had kids. SHe probably will, though, in a few years.

I can see both sides. NOW, I'd be fine with it, but before I had kids, I'd have thought it....tacky.

If your dd will be ok with it, do it. It's in her best interests to be able to develop relationships and some kids do it remarkably early. If you think she'll be upset, maybe a compromise?

How about, no sling or carrier. Up the aisle with no babe,(takes only seconds but it's big in the wedding pics!) but you'll stand off to the side with dd while the ceremony is happening. If dd turns out to be enthralled withthe aunt, as my kids would have been once I worried myself sick, you'll stay on the alter. For after the wedding pics, you can nurse and snuggle for awhile, then have either dh or the aunt hold her for the minutes here and there it takes for a shot.

Tell bf that if she's fussy, you'll have to hold her for the pics or step aside for a bit.

Try to remember how incredibly overwhelming plannning a wedding is. Everyone is giving her advice, telling her how it should be, she's probably spending a ton of money. And the you , her best friend, starts whining about whether your baby will be touching you at all times. (Just playing devils advocate!)

After my BF had kids I once repeated something very callous to her that she had once said to me. She said, like I was some sort of idiot, : "I didn't have kids then. What did I know?"
post #17 of 27
How long do you expect the ceremony to take? Ours was 8minutes from walking down the aisle to walking back up it including signing the papers(dh timed it,lol). Friends of ours got married 3 weeks before ours and it was 45minutes long(half the reason we wanted something short,lol) and catholic so alot of stand, sit, stand, sit.

How far way are you going to be from where the aunt will be sitting? You will most likely hear her fussing before the crying starts and can quickly scoot away to get Ezra. If the Bride is okay with it, would she let you bring her back up to the altar if she fusses?
post #18 of 27
Could you bring someone with you that you know?

maybe have the aunt sit on the front row so that if something happens, you could always sit down.

Maybe ask to be something other than the matron of honor?

If she also has a maid of honor, if you had to sit down, the other person could fill in for you, with holding the flowers and such?

I'm sorry this is hard for you, hopefully the bride will understand.
post #19 of 27
It could also be that once she saw your Dc that she decided she didn't want to share the spotlight?

I know that if there was a baby standing beside the wedding party at any wedding I went to, I'd be looking at the baby and not the bride.

At my wedding, someone brought their grandson (without telling me they were going to, and I didn't know the baby existed so I hadn't invited him). Anyways the grandmother ended up showing the baby off to each table and making a big deal over him. They stole some of my spotlight. As a bride I was a little annoyed, but I'm over it now.
post #20 of 27
Does the bride have other bridesmaids? If so, suggest to her that she "promote" one of them to maid/matron of honour and have 2 (you and the other lady). That way, the other woman can take care of things if you need to tend to your daughter. I don't think I would agree to having the aunt hold the baby, because you don't know what your baby will be like at 5 months. At around that point, my DD decided she didn't like anyone but me! Then I'd take the suggestions made by Red, they are really good suggestions.
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