How has a 2nd or more child changed your parenting views??

[Suzetta]

I am curious to know how others feel about this. When I had my first child, I was so opinionated about how things could/should be done. It was very easy to stick to my views, as I never had to balance her needs with anyone elses. My child "never" had to go to bed at a certain time, because I never wanted bedtime to be a struggle or time for fussing, nor did I use any sort of coersion, or other ways to get her to do something. If she was poking around, and I had to go, I would just wait patiently until she decided it was time. If she took her socks and shoes off, no problem, I would patiently put them back on...after all, what was the big deal??? She had unlimited choices for each meal, and I would just hang around and prepare one thing after another for her, as she decided what she wanted.

I am shocked at how different I am now. If I still had some of the same thoughts and philosophies, I think we would spend 2/3 of the day just getting out the door for a short trip to the grocery store. As far a meal goes, the food is put on the plate, and that is what they get. Bedtime? We are currently working on that...and boy is it a priority these days...no more spending3-4 hours a night waiting for little ones to fall asleep.

I really have noticed myself looking at the bottom of people's signature to find out how many kids they have before really reading their advice...it just seems so different these days.

Anybody else lose their idealistic views with the growth of their families????

[sleet76]

I can't say that I was ever nearly as patient as you described in your OP, but yes, I am less inclined to let DD lead the way for as many things as I used to. It isn't just extrememly slow and frustrating to let the days flow that way, it is also unfair to my DS to be expected to wait for an endlessly slow 2-yr-old.

Things that I have noticed are more along the lines of expectations. When my laid-back DS was born after being used to my more intense DD, within the first 24-hrs I remember thinking, "It is true! Some babies can be set down!" Repeat that type of revisionist thinking tens or hundreds of times in his 9 months. Overall I guess I just *know* now that all children are very different, they are born that way, and not the same thing is going to work for all children.

[MsChatsAlot]

Like you, we had to become more structured.

Also, I had to realize that sometimes a baby has to cry for a minute to so until I can get there. I don't think my oldest ever cried much because I was right there and present. But with the second, if I was in the middle of something, he had to just wait until I could get there.

I feel like I'm a better parent though. I think it was unrealistic for me to meet all my child's needs (or for him to think I could as well). I was also way more relaxed with the second and don't put up with as much crap from them either.

[KindRedSpirit]

What a fantastic topic for a thread!!!

This has been on my mind so much lately,as we are growing #4 this very moment.WOW!Has our parenting changed!I managed to keep everything the same with the first two,both are very calm kids.We played,hung out,napped...Then when #3 came along,things changed,and now with #4 comming I find myself feeling it nessecary to do things I never thought I would!We've stuck to homebirth and no vax and intactness and slinging and breastfeeding and co-sleeping.We ventured into alternatives to homeschooling this year(!)I've weaned both my tandemers this pregnancy(!)We work very hard on a basic structure(dh and I are both bad at this)with an optimal bedtime goal,and a bedtime routien.We "hang out" much less with the kids as individuals,but still do mostly all family stuff.I go back and forth with GD(gentle discipline) and mainstream "habits of thought and action" I have grown tremendously!I find that Dh learns from example,and so is about 2 years behind,but comming along! Our base of parenting is solid and the same,but all the moment to moment things happen very differently now!We used to just eat-now we have a meal,It's an event 3 times a day,with preparing,setting the table,all eating together,and clearing up....Everything seems like it must be planned or it will not happen,whereas before,we could just take it as it came...ah,those were the days!But give me 2 years,I'll say the same about now

[USAmma]

I agree with all your feelings. I am less tolerant of certain things with my second dd. I think it's okay for her to learn to play by herself for a few minutes (with dd1 I gave her so much attention I didn't have any time for myself). I don't negotiate as much if we are in a hurry. I expect her to just come along and cooperate. I ask her and if she doesn't, I pick her up and put her shoes on or whatever. So if she wants to do it herself she'd better do it and not have delay tactics. The funny thing is, of the two kids she's the most easygoing, happy one, even though I have more boundaries with her. Or maybe it's *because* I have more boundaries with her. I have rarely felt as frustrated with her behavior or neediness or tantrums as I have with my older one. Maybe I just got lucky this time, maybe personality, maybe both.

[lilyka]

we got more structured and strict with each child and were darn near scheduled with our third.

I too find myslef looking at people signatures.

[`guest`]

It's funny some people say more strutctured; with me I just gave up--and I have three. My mom had five, I don't know how she did it. (she said it was so much easier to raise kids when we were little, could leave us in the car, no carseats, etc. etc. )
I feel less and less like I spend enough quality time with each (and dh), and when I am around people with just one child, we often have radically different ideas about things, although I try to remember with just one, how I felt, and how different it was, and such a different experience overall.
I feel with one child, you just get more time and attention to give the child, you aren't dealing with two personalities, ways of doing things, it's radically different when you go to two, then three. So each child changes your point of view. That's what I would say, and it just wears you (me)down, makes you softer and less judgmental. (at least me) I wish I had more structure, but I have healthy happy kids and I guess that is the most important thing.
I am realizing in some ways I am more structured, ie bedtime...and a routine, but I also think that has to do with the maturity level of the older child and school.

[Alana]

Ive become less neurotic. Learned to let things go....and have become more structured. Plus I find it SO much easier, because my dc LOVE to play together and be together. Its hard having just one child!

[SuperStar]

I've definitely become less judgmental about how other people raise there kids.

My day has also become more structured. We now have a set bed time and routine.

[muse]

Originally Posted by SuperStar

I've definitely become less judgmental about how other people raise there kids.

:

It's early days for me but definitely I can't give the same amount of attention to either child that I'd like to.
We have probably become much harsher with limit setting with DS, much as I wish that weren't true.
I have to prioritise much better since there is absolutely no down time, between the two of them.
DD is having to a be a bit more independent than DS was at this age; I can't alwyas rush to pick her up/carry her. And likewise for DS; he can't have his needs met instantly all the time.
But i think that's ehalthy and realistic for them, and the flip side is they ahve each other's company, so even if I can't be right there they've got each other.

Now, some more positives; I am even more commited to AP than the first time around and it just seems like common sense. I also feel more at peace with being a full time SAHM; for the first two or three yrs I really struggled with wanting to be back at work.

[witchbaby]

Originally Posted by SuperStar

I've definitely become less judgmental about how other people raise there kids.

My day has also become more structured. We now have a set bed time and routine.

seriously. #2 is only 3 weeks old, but i am totally feeling guilty for the judgements i had of other moms, particularly of 2 or more!

[LovemyBoo]

It's hard to say. I knew when I was pregnant with dd that she would have a more ap babyhood than ds. I was in the beginning stages of ap with ds but man would I do things differently if I could go back.

I think having a second child drove home to me the point that a lot of a child's behavior can be nature over nurture. My kids are very different in some respects. Ds is loud, very physical, is all over the place attention-wise, and is not really happy at rest. Dd is quieter, more observant, I can already see that she can focus more easily than her brother. We can take her to a restaurant and she's not climbing the walls.

On the other hand, ds slept through the night at 9 weeks (and I mean through the night - 9-10 hours at a stretch) and was speaking in sentences at 14 months. Dd finally started doing long stretches at night at 22 months and even now it's not unusual for her to wake up 2-5 times a night. She did not have clear words until 14 or 15 months and, while she speaks in sentences now, she is harder to understand and is not as articulate as ds was. Ds ate anything you put in front of him, dd prefers to skip dinner altogether.

It really made me realize that you can't sneer at the woman chasing her 2 year old down at the grocery store b/c he can't sit still or in the cart since that's likely just the way he is, not the result of her parenting. And don't go bragging about how well your child sleeps - your next child could think sleep is for wimps. Rather than condemn the poor parent with the 18 month old hitter or biter, I remind myself - It coulda been my kid.

The other change is I'm more laidback with dd. We never took ds anywhere that you couldn't drive to and I would've thought it'd be too much hassle to go on real vacations with him. I didn't even want to take him shopping. And then we moved 2,000 miles away from family and if we didn't do stuff with dd our lives would be mind-numbingly boring. This child has flown more airplanes in the first two years of her life than I did in the first 30 years of mine. She goes hiking, we consider a 4 hour drive (one way) to be a "day" trip. While taking their patience and interest levels into account, we pretty do what we want and bring the kids along without even considering any alternative. Any while I still avoid bringing the kids to the grocery store - they stay with Daddy - I take them if I need to without freaking out about it, and family trips to Target are a bi-monthly occurance.

So I'm just more tolerant all the way around.

[NYCVeg]

This is a really interesting thread to me, as the youngest of five. I can say with certainty that my parents got LESS structured as time went on. With the first couple, they had many more rules about things like bedtimes, how often they would go to fast food restaurants, sugar cereals in the house, and so on. By the time they got to me...I think they had just given up. (Not that I'm happy about the dietary legacy that a childhood filled with Froot Loops, pop tarts and McDonald's left me...) Because I had older sisters and wanted to do things like them, my parents let me stay up later than they had at the same age, let me get my ears pierced earlier, etc.

[choli]

Originally Posted by NYCVeg

Because I had older sisters and wanted to do things like them, my parents let me stay up later than they had at the same age, let me get my ears pierced earlier, etc.

Heh. As the oldest of three sisters, I know exactly what you are talking about. I had an older brother, but he was treated differently, being a *boy*. But it infuratiated me that as soon as I was allowed to do anything (hose, heels, clothes, a bra, makeup, being allowed to go out at night), immediately my two years younger sister was allowed to do the same thing. I still remember the sense of unfairness. It always felt as though my mother resented me for growing up, but once she had to accept it, she felt she might as well accept it for both of us. Then, a year later, at 4 years younger than me, my youngest sister would be allowed to do it. So I would be in trouble for trying to wear makeup at 15, allowed (very minimally for special occastions, i'm talking maybe mascara and lipgloss) at 16, and my youngest sister would be allowed at 13.

Which might start a whole new spinoff - do/did you resent your oldest daughter for growing up? I've seen threads that make me wonder about that. Some mothers seem to be really resistant to the idea of their daughters in particular growing up to the point where it seems ostrich-like.