losing one twin in utero?

[sophmama]

One of my friends is pregnant with twins after 12 years of trying including fertility treatments and finally ivf. She is 22 weeks and has just had some tests done that said that the boy has a 2 part umbilical cord (normally 3), a severe cleft palate, and basically half a heart and a high probability of a genetic disorder. I'm not clear from reading her husband's blog if that is compatible with life or not. It is clear that they are very uncertain if the child will survive or not. The girl twin seems to be doing fine. They are under a lot of stress emotionally after trying for 12 years and wanting children so badly to being shocked that the the IVF treatment took and she's had placenta previa and been on bedrest for months now. She will be such a great mother and he will be such a great dad. They're the kind of people that you can tell were just born to be parents if you know what I mean - sweetest gentlest people, not to mention they plan on co-sleeping and ebf and all that. They're under a lot of financial stress since they had planned on her working through the pregnancy and the constant bleeding through the pregnancy, but now knowing they may be losing their son before they get to meet him - it's a bit agonizing to say the least. Any words of advice or anybody been there? How do those of us that want to support them, be there for them?

[Nickarolaberry]

nak

this happened to me with the pregnancy that gave me my 2nd child (daughter). Ivf pregnancy; I lost the twin at 13 weeks.

they watched me very closely; the deceased twin's sac was right over my cervix and the doc was worried about previa; in fact it didn't resolve til 34 weeks but then everything was fine and I had a normal natural delivery (no drugs). the second sac did come out at birth but very flat, no discernable remains in it.

it was very hard; mixture of feelings, hope and worry and stress for the living baby, sadness for the deceased. just be there for support, let her know you understand the loss but are hopeful for the living babe. pm me or ask me more if you need to.

my 3rd baby was a miracle pregnancy; sometimes i think the soul of the lost twin. my little girl (2nd baby) is a really beautiful soul, very empathetic and empathic.

[JessicaS]

You'll find more information in Pregnancy and Birth Loss, it is under the main Pregnancy section on the forum index.

[abbieandlady]

Just listen. Most people try to help others grieve by expressing and opening their mouths. It seems that as a culture we find silence uncomfortable. Listening is the best thing for grief.

[Kaitnbugsmom]

I lost emmie's twin at about 13 wks. And the rough part for me is that I have a goddaughter two weeks older than Em. I watch her about once a month so her grandma who is raising her {her mom is one of my oldest friends, but going through a regressive phase of teenage stupidity} can have a weekend to herself. And each time, I get both babies in my arms or they are laying on a matress together and I think "this is how it should be all the time" and it's like I grieve again... Honestly, I'm praying about it and thanking God for the babe I have, but even now, it's rough. Sometimes it's day to day, and sometimes, like when the godbaby is here, it slaps me in the face... {{{hugs}}} for you and your friends... I wish I had some advice, but all I can really say is just be there, and understand as best you can that there are cycles to it, just like any other loss...

[Mama8]

I had similiar circumstances. I became pregnant with tripletts one stop developing very early at 6 weeks and was reabsorbed by my body. The other two continued to grow and develope. At 20 weeks we found out by ultrasound that the girl appeared healthy and growing well but our son had a 2 vessel cord, Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (half a heart) and had interuterine growth retardation. It was suspected that he had either trisomony 13 (not compatable with life) or trisomony 21 (Downs). I had an amnio done just on our son. It came back that it was not a genetic problem but a fluke of development. We decided to travel to Ann Arbor MI to have Dr Bove operate on our son and give him his best shot at life. We were also told he could die at any time in utero. Our little fighter born alive on Nov 17 2003. He was only 2lbs 6oz at birth and he was full term. They had told me the smallest they could do the corrective surgery was 3lbs. But Dr Bove came up with a surgery to buy him time until he grew. When he was 3 months old he had the Norwood done. This is an open heart surgery to begin to correct the heart defect. They now do a 3 seperate surgeries to allow these children to live. He came through the surgery with flying colors. He was very small only just over 3 pounds. But he was tough. He earned the name of Mighty Mouse from Dr Bove and it stuck. They were always concerned that he wasn't growing fast enough and thought for most of his life that it was IUGR and then about 9 days before he died they found out he also had Russell Silvers Syndrome (proportional midget) He died at 4 months 1 week old. Not because of Rusell Silvers Syndrome or Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome but because he also had a blood clotting disorder that we didn't discover until he had 5 major blod clotts and one of these blood clots moved. The blood clotting disorder would not have been a big deal except he was constantly being invaded with surgeries and IVs so many blod clotts had a chance to form. There is hope if it is not Trisomony 13. I know of a lady who found out that her baby would be born with Trisomony 13 and elected to have the baby at home. They had a very hard and very beautiful experience of having the baby born at home with the grandparents all their and aunts and uncles. They were all able to hold him before he died and kept him as long as they wanted before calling the mortuary. One of my sons roomates at the hospital was also a twin born with a heart defect, cleft lip and palate he had no genetic disorder was operated on and sent home. I saw many babies with sever heart defects leave the hospital and go home. I send many warm hugs your way. Feel free to email me if you wish. I am sorry this has happened.

[fericito]

I do'nt know what to say but I did just finish reading a book called "Running with Angels" and the mother in that story lost one twin soon after birth and the other twin is alive and healthy.

It was heartbreaking but also a healing story. Maybe you could read it and possibly suggest it to them?

Sending prayers - what a difficult situation.

[rishmommy]

We lost my daughter shortly after birth due to a neural tube defect, anencephaly, which is not consistent with life. We had a very difficult/sad preterm birth with her; but my husband and I want the chance to hold her and let her know she was loved. I have felt good knowing that she is now whole in heaven, when she could not be on earth. The friends that I had that were the most helpful through it all were the ones that just let me talk with them without offering advice. I also really appreciated those who valued her life enough to let me talk about her without just "sweeping the whole thing under the rug". The people who were least helpful were the ones who said things like, "you are young and you can have another", "just think of the one you already have" and other such insensitive things. My mother-in-law even suggested later that her birth was something that I just needed to over with quickly.

Also, ask your friend how you can support her and let her know that you are willing to help her in any way that she needs. PM me anytime if you have other questions or your friend ever wants an ear to listen.