Help! Non AP Wedding Distress!

[Metasequoia]

You btdt mama's have to help me out here...

My old friend from grade school, who I haven't hung out with in years, asked me to be her maid of honor (she is clueless about children/parenting, let alone AP. I have two Dd's, 6 & 3 & am expecting a babe in March, this is a Sept. wedding so the baby will have just turned 6 months.

....Well today she took me out for breakfast, kind of a "let's discuss the wedding" thing. So I casually mention that I'll have to bring the baby & she is immediately against it & says that he can't come to the wedding or the reception & that I'll have to bring someone (she suggests my sister!?) to stay in a hotel room with him.

I then say that if I am bringing the baby with me (even if he does have to stay behind the scenes) & she wants Dd1 to be the flower girl, that I won't leave Dd2 at home alone. She sighs about that, meanwhile it is breaking my heart to imagine how Dd2 is going to feel when she sees Dd1 & I all dressed up & heading to the wedding/reception & she has to stay in the hotel room. At least she'll have the baby to stay behind with.

I ask, in a nice way, how long I'll really have to stay, like, what time can I pack up the family & head out & she says 1am - doing what??!!

So then we start to get really detailed, like the fact that Dp would not be the best choice for someone to watch all of the kids & basically chauffeur them around all day & night. So I say that my mom is a better choice, she'd be better with the kids. Okay. Then I say that after the ceremony which would take about 45 minutes (in Fairmount Park) I'll go in our van to the Art Museum for pictures & then onto the hotel for the reception. She says that Dd1 & I *have* to ride in the limo because we're part of the wedding party & I say that by law Dd1 has to be in a car seat & she says that the little boy in the wedding, same exact age as Dd1, will probably *not* be in a car seat - like I'm making up the law! Even if it wasn't the law, there's no way in hell that I'm going to let my child ride down 76 unrestrained! I also said that my mom will *not* drive my van, not that I wouldn't let her, she just has never taken me up on driving any of my cars (I guess it's a self-confidence thing?)

What is the big ^%$&ing deal?? She said that "it's a wedding, you drive around in the limo & get drunk, that's just what you do." I told her that I may have a couple of drinks at the reception, but I can't get loaded because the baby (who will just have turned 6 months) will most likely be living on breastmilk alone (Dd2 didn't eat food until she was 10 months.) She said I can "put the baby up to bed at 7pm & leave him asleep for the night!" OMG!! This was after the "why don't you just give him a bottle?" conversation.

I also told her that I had to ask Dd1 if she *wanted* to be in the wedding & she looked at me like "why would you ask?" Like Dd1 is some accessory for her wedding. LOL, when I came home, Dd1 said she wouldn't do it unless Dd2 could go too - I'm sure she could sense my feelings.

On the way home I half-jokingly said that she still had time to find a new maid of honor if I was too much of a pain - probably shouldn't have said that... She said it wasn't that much trouble, *I* was making it that way. :

To be honest, I don't even want to be in this stupid wedding, it's so much stress that I don't need & the hassle I seem to be causing is just enough to make me want to call her & say how I feel. I know some people want the big wedding & the whole nine yards, but I just don't get how the tiniest details like driving 10 minutes down the road in a separate vehicle really matter.

Should I say that Dd1 doesn't want to be in the wedding? Would that make it easier? Then I could just leave the girls at home with my mom & somehow bring the baby & have *somebody* stay with him. I can just hear Dp bitching about how he has to stay in the room with the baby. Dp isn't even going to be able to come to the wedding! In whatever scenario this falls into, he's going to end up watching children somehow & I don't even want him to come because I know he won't enjoy himself - he is SO anti-social. Maybe that is a good idea, just having Dp stay in the hotel room with the baby & leaving the girls at home with my mom, at least that way, they'd be together & wouldn't feel abandoned.

How do AP, breast-feeding an infant mama's attend formal events? Isn't there a list of rules somewhere?? Grrrrrrrr......

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading & please tell me what you would do/have done.
__________________

[afishwithabike]

This whole thing sounds like a mess. #1. Why does DP have to stay in the hotel? #2. The poor babe. #3 your poor DC and #4 your poor mother.
I was in a wedding when DD was 6 mo. She was in my arms dressed in a matching formal that my mom made. The bride gave her a little bell to ring so she wouldn't get too bored. I toodk DD to three different weddings all within 1 mo of her birth. I wore her nursed her at the table and still looked nice in my attire. Normally there isn't this much problem with a BFing little one. Your friend is the one making the problems. I am not you but I would back out and makre her find a new Maid of honor. Again, that's just me. You have to do what's right for you. Good luck sorting through all the stigmas. I definitely do NOT envy you right now.

[nonnymoose]

I don't think it's necessarily AP parenting that she's clueless about - it sounds like a nice, pre-children universal cluelessness

It really does sound like she needs a single/childless MOH. I don't think there's anything wrong with just telling her that, without going into the details of how clueless she really is. It doesn't sound like any of her ideas are malicious or neglectful, she just doesn't get it. She'll figure it out once she has a child, but I guess that'll be after the wedding.

[LovemyBoo]

You know what, it's not worth it. Call her up and tell her that you are not the kind of maid of honor she wants and you want her wedding to be her special day. Tell her you'd be happy to attend as a guest. At least that way you can come and go on your terms.

She sounds like she is not willing to compromise with you at all, and that she's not that good of a friend to begin with.

I'm a big believer in the bride and groom getting what they want for their wedding day. I'm also a big believer in guests and attendants turning down the honor if their schedule/values clash in a way where no compromise can be found.

If you lose her as a friend over this, she wasn't a friend to begin with. Your family is far more important than the wedding of a friend you don't hang out with and who doesn't respect you as a mother.

Good luck!

[thismama]

I'd back out too. It sounds way too stressful.

[lilyka]

lets go back to the first sentence of your post. . . . . . Why did she ask you to be her maid of honor. It doesn't sound like she even really knows you. Doesn't seem like you two are close in any way.

I certainly wouldn't feel bad telling her no that you just not in a big child free getting plastered dancing 'till dawn wedding sort of place right now and since your not even that close . . . .not to mention how much this is going to cost you!!!

just skip it.

[oceanbaby]

This is starting out badly and it's only going to get worse. She's not going to get up to speed about AP, or even what it means to have kids/a baby in general, so forget about that happening. I'd figure out what would need to happen to make it work for you. This is what it would be for me: Bringing all my kids to both the wedding and reception, with an adult (whomever you feel best about) designated to look after them, step out with them if they cry during the ceremony, whatever. Riding with my kids in the separate van with them all safely in their carseats, or someone else whom you feel comfortable with driving them in their carseats in the van. And, I will have to leave at around bedtime for the kids.

I'd tell her that you'd love to be in the wedding, but that these are the things that you can't really get away from, so you totally understand if she's not comfortable with it and wants to ask someone else. Don't even bother trying to get her to understand why you need to do these things. You're doing her a favor - she's going to be a whole lot miserable if you move forward under all her terms and are totally stressed out, distracted, and running all over the place attending to kids in hotels, etc.

I get really irritated by people's cluelesness about having kids. Before I had kids, I didn't know what was involved, but at least I knew I didn't know what was involved, and never tried to argue a parent out of what they told me they needed to do with their kids.

[Altair]

honestly i'd back out now before it got any further. You don't owe her being in her wedding if she isn't going to be helpful with your concerns.

then again, i've NEVER bought into the "it's HER day" BS. Manners and kindness and consideration are for EVERY day, even "your big day." Nothing makes me more pissy than a woman who thinks the world owes her life on a silver platter just b/c she's getting married.

If someone wants me in their wedding, then they want ME in the wedding, not a pretend woman who can magically erase her other roles in life and responsibilities.

[MiamiMami]

I would back out now if I were you. She is totally clueless. And no offense, but she sounds like the kind of bride who would be ragging on you to lose your baby weight before the wedding!

[GranoLLLy-girl]

ITA with all the other posters. You need to back out NOW. You don't have to tell her that she is clueless about parenting or even be rude in any way. But you do need to back out.
There are lots of things that can happen between now and then--adjusting to another baby for one thing. It's hard with one, you get the hang of it just in time to have another one, that seems hard--and now you are going to have to adjust as a family again with a new baby. Besides, you don't know if you will be blessed with a spirited baby or what that baby will need when the wedding comes.
And I do think that things she is asking of you just for the ceremony itself are unrealistic. Not out of her realm of expectations in her mind, but out of the realm of possibilities for your comfort level.
Like the pp said--this woman does not seem to know you very well.
Back out now and gracefully--tell her your pediatrician/therapist/tarot card reader/anyone/spouse/whatever suggested that you do not put yourself at this level of stress and possibly ruin her big day by the needs of your family. Or something that sounds graceful but does not make her defensive by making it sound like her expectations are unrealistic. Use tact.
You can even tell her that: you would hate to see her special all messed up because of some unexpected need of the new baby to be.
I don't think it's realistic for those of us who have kids to expect those who don't to know what we do/how we live/what having kids is like.
The only thing I can see happening as a result of this is that your friendship with this woman will be over as soon as they go off on their honeymoon.
Might as well save yourself the hassle and cost now--and save yourself the heartache.
just my 2 cents. good luck.

[rozzie'sma]

I would back out too. It doesn't make sense that she would even ask you. Unless she is such a PITA that other people have turned her down already. This just doesn't seem like a good compromise will be reached between you too. She just seems clueless.

[amybw]

I would back out too.
I wouldnt blame it on your DD not wanting to do it though. I would be honest with her and tell her that your children are most important to you right now and there are certain things that you just cant see compromising on.



Good luck with the situation.

Amy

[carla72]

I would back out too. It sounds like she is more of an aquantince than a friend. If she understands great if she doesn't...is it a big loss to you?? I know since I have started my family I have had to weed out some of the aquantinces that take up time and cause stress. My family comes first and I have no guilt about that. I was in a wedding like that but before I had my dd. By the sounds of it she will only get worse as it gets closer. Think about the stress you will be adding to yourself as well as your dc and dp. I wish you the best but I wouldn't feel guilty about putting your family first....its not like she is a close friend.

[coloradomonkeymom]

:
I am having bridal shower drama of a similar kind.
The wedding is in April and I am in it and I didn't even attempt to ask to bring DD because I know how NY weddings are (I had one but I allowed children). MIL will watch DD and I am comfortable with leaving her in her care for the evening. I already pump and bottle feed due to supply issues. But I am not willing to one spend money we don't need to spend to travel to NY for a bridal shower the month before, don't want to travel alone with my DD and I am certainly not leaving a 5 month old behind for a weekend.
I really don't think people understand until they have kids but then they will want the same understanding.

[JamesMama]

I would back out too...I think she's expecting a lot considering you have the babe to think of. A few years from now when she's all grown up and has kids of her own she'll understand.

[Slabobbin]

I would back out and to be perfectly honest, just based on what I am reading, I would probably cool off the friendship as well. The sad thing is, she won't see the light. Even if you explain it to her she is going to think YOU are the problem. :headshake

[Metasequoia]

Thanks mama's, for validating my feelings . With your help I got up the courage to email her & I don't feel the least bit guilty about it! Here's the email I sent her just now.....I even borrowed a line or two from some of you wise mama's :

I’m going to type this so I can get it all out & you can think on it before responding right away…. I don’t fault you for not realizing what being a parent of small children entails, you haven’t gotten to that point in your life yet, so I think we have to help each other understand how it is possible that this is going to work out.

I feel like I should say all of this now because I think you should really, really decide if I am the kind of Maid of Honor that you want for your special day. I am very honored that you asked me, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression, but if you want me to be *in* your wedding, then you want *ME* in the wedding, not some pretend woman who can magically erase her other roles in life & her responsibilities. I don’t want to ruin your big day with the needs of my family.

I can’t get around leaving the baby at 6 months, it’s just not possible for either of us. It makes me really sad to think of including Dd1 in this special day & not even inviting Dd2, our family just never splits up like that.

I know this day is *very* important to you & I truly want it to be special & perfect for you in every way. These are things that I just can’t get away from, things that I don’t *want* to get away from.

I would love to come to your wedding as a guest that could leave unnoticed when I’m needed, but I’m afraid of the hassle that this is becoming. You need to think long & hard about what kind of a Maid of Honor you want for your big day, maybe someone childless is what you’re imagining in your plans. You also have to consider the possibility of one of the kids being sick & me having to back out at the last minute, I know it’s slim, but it’s a risk. There’s also the chance that the baby will need to be with me, that he just won’t be satisfied with me popping in to feed him & leaving, sometimes babies just need to be with their mama’s. Honestly, I don’t feel comfortable leaving him at all.

I’m not backing out, I just want to put everything on the table now & give you the option. I don’t think that I can be the Maid of Honor that you have in mind, I can do it, but you’re going to have to compromise a little. It’s *your* special day & if you don’t feel that compromising would fit your plans that’s *okay*, I understand. Just think about this, talk it over with Marc or your mom or whoever you need to discuss it with & let me know how you feel, I won’t be offended by whatever you choose.

So what do you think was I straight forward yet, friendly?

[bobandjess99]

I think you were honest and polite, and totally did the right thing!! If she does not like the letter/gets mad/offended, etc for any reason, it is completely her...you were very right to stress that it is *her* day and she should pick someone that she really wants as her maid of honor that can fulfill the duties of that role , **as she defines it** and that right now, YOU can not be that person....so either she redefines how she views that role, or she asks someone to do it who can fulfill it the way she is imagining it....again, it is all her choice......you were wonderful in how you expressed yourself!

[pjs]

Ahhh, the wedding day. My due date with ds#2 was my BIL's wedding date. His wife-to-be was a bridezilla. The wedding was 6 hours away and my first son was born 5 weeks early. Bridezilla and BIL wanted DH to be the best man (understandable) and ds #1 to be the ringbearer (understandable); when we told them I was pregnant and what my due date was their response was "well you never know what will happen, it's still early" implying that I could still have a miscarriage and their perfect wedding day would be saved. EVERYONE in DH's family could not understand why he couldn't travel 6 hours away and risk missing the birth of ds#2.

DH had been pretty clear all along that he was not willing to miss the BIRTH of HIS child for his bro's wedding- even DH's grandma said DH didn't NEED to be at the birth? A week before the wedding, BIL called and wanted to know if DH was coming! Anyway, when it comes to weddings, if people have the Martha Stewart mentality there is NOTHING they will allow to come between them and their dream. IMHO, it is the marriage that matters, the wedding not so much, but to each his own. Get out now while you can.

I don't think they've ever gotten over the fact that the appearance of the perfect day didn't happen as they wanted it to, in fact, they've been pretty clear about treating ds#2 much differently than ds#1 (like it's his fault he was conceived when he was). It wouldn't have been so bad if there was even an ounce of understanding, but, alas, when it came to THEIR wedding, anyone who knew they were getting married was expected to give a kidney to ensure the perfect day came to fruition. As the MOH, you can be assured you will be expected to do the same (or maybe in this case you'll be expected to give away one of your kids' kidneys) Ugh.

Oh, and ds#2 was born at 41 weeks 6 days (but it was a precipitous labor so if I had gone and gone into labor on my due date, ds#2 would have definitely been born on the side of the highway, and if I didn't go, DH would have definitely missed the birth).

Let us know what you decide!

[LovemyBoo]

Very well done! I agree with the pp, if she gets her bridal panties in a wad over that.....well I'd say it's a friendship not worth saving. Let us know how it goes!