Help! Non AP Wedding Distress! - Page 4

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by amyjeans

At this point, I would respone with:
No, I cannot be your Maid of Honor. Thank you for the consideration, but I must respectfully decline. I wish you a wonderful day. Don't rehash your reasons, she is well aware of them, even if she thinks they're emotionally driven. (whatever)

She could have been more accomodating to you as well- by letting kids come to the wedding, or a number of other solutions to work with anyone.

Yes, yes, yes

[Attila the Honey]

Metasequoia> You handled that well, and you did the right thing. This is going to avoid alot of heartache for all involved.

And congrats for being off the hook! Do you feel like a weight has been lifted? I know I would!

[Metasequoia]

Originally Posted by Attila the Honey

Metasequoia>
And congrats for being off the hook! Do you feel like a weight has been lifted? I know I would!

Do I ever!!!! Deep breath......

We also seem to have come to an agreement & are still okay as friends - phew! I think she just didn't let it marinate long enough, kwim? She was too quick in feeling like I was being difficult & stubborn.

She asked if she could come over to talk it over & when I replied that that was okay, I mentioned again that I didn't think I was the right person for the job & that hopefully, we'd be able to figure out a way that I could still attend as a guest. I suggested Dp staying behind the scenes with the baby during the ceremony (going for a walk) & then we'd just skip the reception & leave our Dd's at home.

This morning she responded saying that she'd like us to come, children are not invited, but they'd like to make an exception for the baby who is now welcome at the ceremony & the reception . I think that is an excellent compromise, I just hope she is clear about me not being *in* the wedding - I think she is.

Our Dd's will be fine staying home with Nana, together.

Thanks Mama's

[TinkerBelle]

I do not understand why people have such problems with "no children" events. If the bride and groom do not want kids at their wedding/reception, then that is how it should be. I had children in and at our wedding, but that was our decision. You know, it is not a crime to have all-adult events. We, as parents have the choice of not going, or getting a sitter and going. Having children sometimes means we do not always get to do what we might want to do all of the time.

Personally, I would not enjoy taking my very wiggly 1 yr old and my son with Autism, who is 6, to a wedding. Neither would enjoy themselves and would probably cause a ruckus. My 8 yr old would do much better.

Now, to the OP: I am glad you and your friend were able to work things out and still be friends. I would bow out if I could not meet the obligations, and could not get a sitter or whatever.

[Attila the Honey]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

I do not understand why people have such problems with "no children" events.

I didn't see anyone having a problem with the "no children" events in this thread. To me that wasn't even the issue. The issue was that the Bride(zilla) wanted her bridesmaid to make the wedding her ultimate priority in life to the exclusion of her children and that was just not going to work.

And, childfree wedding or not, I think it was pretty insensitive to invite one child from the family and not the others.

Not everyone has access to sitters, or even feels comfortable hiring sitters, and if you have a child free event you should understand that and not get wacky when ppl aren't able to attend your event. I've seen that many times, brides (and grooms) expecting guests from out of town to either leave their children with someone for the weekend or expecting them to bring their child and let someone they barely know watch the child. Then, because they've offered that option they are completely not understanding about parents who decline the invitation.

(as for me, I would no sooner request that no children attend my wedding than I would request that no elderly people attend. But that's already been a thread or two!)

[Treasuremapper]

Metasequoia, you are being way nicer than I would have been.

Regarding child free events, sure, people can decide to have them. But you know, it's funny, I don't enjoy the company of people like that anymore than they enjoy the company of my children. Sometimes people just grow apart, kwim?

[mamachandi]

lurking...

[WuWei]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

I do not understand why people have such problems with "no children" events. If the bride and groom do not want kids at their wedding/reception, then that is how it should be. I had children in and at our wedding, but that was our decision. You know, it is not a crime to have all-adult events. We, as parents have the choice of not going, or getting a sitter and going. Having children sometimes means we do not always get to do what we might want to do all of the time.

Personally, I would not enjoy taking my very wiggly 1 yr old and my son with Autism, who is 6, to a wedding. Neither would enjoy themselves and would probably cause a ruckus. My 8 yr old would do much better.

Now, to the OP: I am glad you and your friend were able to work things out and still be friends. I would bow out if I could not meet the obligations, and could not get a sitter or whatever.

I don't agree that it has to be either/or: meet obligations or bow out. Doesn't it seem preferable to discuss the underlying needs and come to a mutually agreeable solution? Bride wants children *in* the wedding, but not *at* the wedding. Bride wants parents at the wedding, but no children at the wedding. These seem to be somewhat mutually exclusive desires as some of us consider our parenting relationship inextricable from our other life choices. And if a *parent* is being requested to participate, her *children's* needs must be considered (by the parent and ostensibly by a friend). Children don't cease to exist just because someone wants them to be unseen and unheard....

I believe that relationships require work and communication about everyone's needs and that is exactly what the OP has endeavored (and requested help here) to do respectfully and with graciousness for the "honor" of the bride's request. I don't believe that one must sacrifice what one wants just because one has children. Sometimes the need to nurture is more pressing and primary than one's other social desires. I don't consider the choice to nurture a sacrifice though.

I believe the OP has modelled respectful consideration of her children's needs and communicated that to a non-mother who may forever remember how to decline social desires with grace in order to meet her dependent children's needs. There certainly isn't much of that happening in our culture and I earnestly feel that OP is an example of compassionate parenting.

Pat

[LovemyBoo]

:

I don't think most people have a problem with child-free events, per se. The problems lies with the clash that can happen when either side takes it personally. Both sides are capable of being unreasonable in this situation.

Bride: I want a completely child-free wedding.
Friend: In that case, I'm very sorry but I won't be able to attend as I can't leave my baby for that long.
Bride: What?!?! You are so selfish! Stop smothering that baby, it won't kill it to be with a babysitter for a few (meaning, all day) hours. I always knew you hated me.

OR

Bride: I want a completely child-free wedding.
Friend: What?!?! I'm supposed to just leave my baby all day? You have NO idea what it's like to be a parent!! You are completely selfish, inconsiderate, and anti-child. I always knew you hated me!!

The point is, if you really want someone to attend your function or if you really want to go - you have to work together to find some common ground. If you're the bride in this situation, you either need to work with your friend if you want her to attend, if you won't budge than you need to be prepared for your friend to back out. If you're the friend you need to be able to ask if an exception can be made and to be prepared to politely decline if one can't.

It's all a matter of each person knowing what their priorities are, how far they are willing to compromise, and being okay with the consequences of standing by their priorities. I think true friends can work it out. If it proves to be a big hassle, it's likely not worth it for either side.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by inezyv

Regarding child free events, sure, people can decide to have them. But you know, it's funny, I don't enjoy the company of people like that anymore than they enjoy the company of my children. Sometimes people just grow apart, kwim?

My best friend asked me to be her Matron of Honour, and didn't want dd at the wedding. She didn't want dd, mostly because I'm the only friend/relative that she has with small children. (My then 10-year-old son was invited.) That was okay, as dd would have been perfectly happy to be left with grandma. Then, grandma ended up going to the wedding, as well (this woman has been my closest female friend for...27 years). So...dd went, and that was fine. My friend was willing to be accommodating.

But, I think I agree with you, in general. I jsut didn't have anything in common with most of the people at that wedding. I like her new husband (had only met him once briefly before the wedding), and her stepchildren seemed really nice. But...one of the other bridesmaids just kept going on about "let's get this (the pictures) over with and get drunk - what else is a wedding for?" and stuff like that. I just can't relate at all. I left pretty early.

Personally - I love kids at weddings. Kids were invited to my first wedding, and the ring-bearer (almost three at the time) actually ended up "cutting in" on our first dance. We carried him around in circles with us...beautiful photo op. When I remarried, my brother acted as Best Man...and his two sons and his daughter spent most of the ceremony tugging on his pantleg.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by Attila the Honey

I didn't see anyone having a problem with the "no children" events in this thread. To me that wasn't even the issue. The issue was that the Bride(zilla) wanted her bridesmaid to make the wedding her ultimate priority in life to the exclusion of her children and that was just not going to work.

And, childfree wedding or not, I think it was pretty insensitive to invite one child from the family and not the others.

Not everyone has access to sitters, or even feels comfortable hiring sitters, and if you have a child free event you should understand that and not get wacky when ppl aren't able to attend your event. I've seen that many times, brides (and grooms) expecting guests from out of town to either leave their children with someone for the weekend or expecting them to bring their child and let someone they barely know watch the child. Then, because they've offered that option they are completely not understanding about parents who decline the invitation.

(as for me, I would no sooner request that no children attend my wedding than I would request that no elderly people attend. But that's already been a thread or two!)

You are preaching to the choir, LOL.

I realize that this bride was acting a bit "bridezilla"-ish. I also never said that the OP or anyone else here had a problem with child-free events. I also stated that I am glad she and her friend are able to work things out for the best.

I also stated that I had children in and at my wedding.

I said "people", not anyone in particular. And yes, there are some parents who really have a tizzy over not being allowed to bring their children to every single solitary party or event and get really hostile about it. I do not understand that logic just as much as I do not understand people getting upset over others not being able to come because of kids or mad because the parent will not leave their child with a stranger. THAT is what I have a problem with.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by scubamama

I don't agree that it has to be either/or: meet obligations or bow out. Doesn't it seem preferable to discuss the underlying needs and come to a mutually agreeable solution? Bride wants children *in* the wedding, but not *at* the wedding. Bride wants parents at the wedding, but no children at the wedding. These seem to be somewhat mutually exclusive desires as some of us consider our parenting relationship inextricable from our other life choices. And if a *parent* is being requested to participate, her *children's* needs must be considered (by the parent and ostensibly by a friend). Children don't cease to exist just because someone wants them to be unseen and unheard....

I believe that relationships require work and communication about everyone's needs and that is exactly what the OP has endeavored (and requested help here) to do respectfully and with graciousness for the "honor" of the bride's request. I don't believe that one must sacrifice what one wants just because one has children. Sometimes the need to nurture is more pressing and primary than one's other social desires. I don't consider the choice to nurture a sacrifice though.

I believe the OP has modelled respectful consideration of her children's needs and communicated that to a non-mother who may forever remember how to decline social desires with grace in order to meet her dependent children's needs. There certainly isn't much of that happening in our culture and I earnestly feel that OP is an example of compassionate parenting.

Pat

I agree with you. I was simply stating what I myself would do if a compromise just could not be worked out. I was not telling the OP what to do.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by LovemyBoo

:

I don't think most people have a problem with child-free events, per se. The problems lies with the clash that can happen when either side takes it personally. Both sides are capable of being unreasonable in this situation.

Bride: I want a completely child-free wedding.
Friend: In that case, I'm very sorry but I won't be able to attend as I can't leave my baby for that long.
Bride: What?!?! You are so selfish! Stop smothering that baby, it won't kill it to be with a babysitter for a few (meaning, all day) hours. I always knew you hated me.

OR

Bride: I want a completely child-free wedding.
Friend: What?!?! I'm supposed to just leave my baby all day? You have NO idea what it's like to be a parent!! You are completely selfish, inconsiderate, and anti-child. I always knew you hated me!!

The point is, if you really want someone to attend your function or if you really want to go - you have to work together to find some common ground. If you're the bride in this situation, you either need to work with your friend if you want her to attend, if you won't budge than you need to be prepared for your friend to back out. If you're the friend you need to be able to ask if an exception can be made and to be prepared to politely decline if one can't.

It's all a matter of each person knowing what their priorities are, how far they are willing to compromise, and being okay with the consequences of standing by their priorities. I think true friends can work it out. If it proves to be a big hassle, it's likely not worth it for either side.

Exactly the point I was trying to make. Thank you.

[Hoopin' Mama]

You did a wonderful job and handled it with grace. If it turns into a problem with your friendship, rest assured that you did the right thing, and that's all you have control in.

I can't even imagine what it's like to have three children, much less your childless friend. Seriously, having friends with children really doesn't count.

[Metasequoia]

Originally Posted by scubamama

I believe the OP has modelled respectful consideration of her children's needs and communicated that to a non-mother who may forever remember how to decline social desires with grace in order to meet her dependent children's needs. There certainly isn't much of that happening in our culture and I earnestly feel that OP is an example of compassionate parenting.
Pat

Warm fuzzies, thanks Pat!